how i'm dealing with my self loathing moments...

CeleryStalker

I'm really struggling with the fact that I put on a bunch of weight after gall bladder surgery last year. It didn't seem to bother me as much when I was packing it on, but once I decided it was time to knock off the crap and take this weight back off (not to mention finish what I started and finally make it to goal), the self hatred really kicked in full force.

I'm disgusted with myself, every time I look in the mirror I want to gouge my eyes out. I don't even need a mirror to see how freaking gross and out of shape I am. All I have to do is look down at my stomach, my legs, look over at my arms..it's all there, right in plain view.

Today is apparently an exceptionally hard day for me. I'm down in the dumps, I'm stuck in 'how did I get to this point?' mode, and I'm just having a really hard time giving myself credit for all the good things I've done over the last 5 weeks.....like exercising, watching what I eat, losing 10#, etc.

Well, the going is getting tough, so rather than going for the jar of MnM's upstairs, I'm reaching for my sneakers, HRM, and Chalean Extreme calendar. Today is a 'simple' Burn Circuit 3....an 'easy' 32 minutes with my favorite blonde chick. I know that once I'm all sweaty, muscles shaking, arms bulging, I'll be able to experience a few moments of accomplishment that will hopefully stick around for a few hours.

Just wanted to put this out there for those of you who might also be having an I Hate Me day and looking for some words of encouragement to deal with it. No sense crying like a baby over it, right? Crying doesnt burn as many calories as working out does. LOL

brensig

Dear Celery,

I just want you to know how inspiring your post is. It's very admirable to admit that you're down in the dumps over something but still get up and do something about it.

Have a great day!

FJMilner

Great post.....I have many many self loathing moments and like you, i am turning to exercise to beat them! And it works.....YAY!!! Even on days when im tired, can't be bothered and just wanna eat rubbish.....as soon as the trainers are on it makes me feel so much better! Good for you! xx

Kazimira

I agree, truely inspiring. To see you facing the crap head on and making the right choices I applaud your fearless strength and perserverance. You will get through it.

BigBoneSista

Thats how you do it. Pity parties gets us no where. You are pushing on no matter what that voice in the back of your head is saying and I applaud you. Thank you for sharing with us.

Aesop101

I always told my kids don't beat yourself up, that's why you have friends.

Asking why/how is important. Getting started is more important. Just a couple of pounds lost is highly motivating and spiritually lifting.

I use to blame it on my ex. But the warranty expired. Then I looked real hard at my mom. Then one day I came to the conclusion, after losing 40 lbs. or so, that it was me. I was a gluttonous pig. It was an embarrassing thought and picture. What did others see that I missed for so long. I was ashamed at this revelation.

Then I came to love the idea. It meant I was in control. I determined my fate and now I can determine my future.

When a woman cries, it only means they are steeling their resolve.

Best of luck to you!

willowma

Eight weeks ago I had a brain tumour removed from my cerebellum. It was easily and completely removed by the surgeon, but my weight spiraled out of control following this. Although my recovery is ongoing, I am able to go on the tradmill, but no weight lifting or running as I used to do.
Saturday night I was on my treadmill for an hour at 3.6mph and a 3% incline. Sounds great considering all I've been through. However, I spent the entire hour crying, depressed, thinking how daunting a task it is to lose the 40lbs it will take just to get back to my lowest weight, which isn't even close to my goal weight.
I started back to work this week and I am limited to a few things to wear, my body is so horrible and I am trying so hard to get it back to where it was and then some.
I don't know how to deal with the self loathing moments. . .help

Roxie65

I think you have a lot to be thankful for and you should concentrate on the positive that you are alive and getting healthy instead of focusing on the negative. You have been through alot and it will take your body awhile to respond. Just concentrate on taking life one day at a time and stop beating yourself up.

CeleryStalker

You guys rock. Thank you so much for the kind words. Weird how comments from complete strangers can help improve one's quality of life, even if just for the moment.

Today's workout was a short one. I'm doing the ChaLEAN Extreme program by the calendar which accompanies the DVD set, so it's ok that today's workout was a teeny little 32 minutes as opposed to the 56 minutes yesterday. Tomorrow she will hand me my butt in a 48 minute "Burn it off and Recharge' routine, followed by a rest day, then I start back over on Friday with Burn Circuit 1. It works our perfectly because that lands me on a 'rest' day for Saturday, but I won't be resting....I'll be enduring a 50 mile bike ride with my cycling team.

Willowma: I'm right there with you sweetheart. It's so hard, and I'm so emotional. For instance, I'm welled up with tears right now, but I have a smile on my face. What the hell is that? Heh, to be honest, Chalene does that to me. I have cried every time I worked out with her, LOL! I've got 40# to burn until I get to my presumed goal weight, but based on how much work I still had to do when I got down in the 180's a couple years ago, I really think I'm going to want to re-evaluate the end goal weight once I hit 165 because I don't think at that point, I'll be quite 'there' yet.

You've got some pretty amazing resolve to be working out just 2 months after having a brain tumor removed. I think if I was diagnosed with something like that, the last thing I'd be thinking of is working out. I'd more than likely be thinking about 'living life to its fullest', which, sadly, would mean stuffing my face with whatever I damn well pleased. So try and give yourself credit where credit is due. I know that's way easier said than done. Even as I type this to you, I'm sitting here thinking that my paltry 280 calories burned in this workout today is pathetic. But you know what? This workout was only half as long as my last one, so why should I be comparing the caloric burn to the caloric burn of a workout that is twice as long? Why should I feel pathetic for doing the workout I was scheduled to do today? I can always go attack that pile of mulch in my yard if I want to burn some extra calories today, so why am I feeling down about this workout? It's not like I blew off working out today. I didn't put forth minimal effort in the workout today. I busted my buns and I should be able to say WOOHOO and pat myself on the back for it. But it's hard, so I can understand where you are coming from. It's a matter of thought process. If your current thought process isn't working for you, you have to change that process. Little by little, day by day, give yourself credit where credit is due, and before you know it, you'll be a real conceited, arrogant jerk! LOL Just kidding, but you know what I'm getting at!

We all have just two options in this horrible game we're playing. We can either cry about it and do nothing, or we can cry about it and do SOMETHING. I might not be losing weight at the speed of light, but I'm exercising, I'm eating right, I'm doing SOMETHING....which will eventually lead me to my goal, just as it will for each and every person struggling with their weight.

CeleryStalker

I just wanted to come back and update. I had said earlier today that despite having worked out, I felt like a pathetic idiot because it was only half an hour, it was only less than 300 calories. I just couldn't kick those horrible self-hating thoughts to the curb.

Then I did what I knew I had to do. I put the DVD back in and set myself up for another workout. Now, don't go worrying that I'm a compulsive exerciser, because I'm definitely not that. I was just not satisfied with my paltry 282 calorie burn and knew I could do better than that for myself.

So, that being said, I've now burned 618 calories today in exercise....something I can really feel proud of. That voice in my head had no choice but to shut up.

:bigsmile: