Worried about my Dad

jasmin1310

Hi Guys

Need some advice, my dad is very very overweight, he has high blood pressure and has his mother and brother both suffered from a stroke, I am extremely worried about his health.

He however is not worried, he eats what he likes and does nothing all day, just sits in front of the TV and sometimes may go out for a bit.

I asked him a few weeks ago to do a charity bike ride with me in September, hoping he would start training, however for about a week he rode a bike for about 10 minutes and has now stopped.

My sister then decided that she would pay for his gym membership and called him yesterday afternoon to remind him to be ready for 7pm to start at the gym, and he started making excuses that he was out looking for a van, she then said that's fine but we are going in the evening so you will have time, he then said he needed to sort out insurance on the van (despite not having actually bought one yet).

Everytime we sit down to talk to him, about his health (he currently weighs 16 stones, about 224 llbs and he is only 5'7 in height) he says 'i will change' but acutally does nothing about it.

I am so worried now, he has no motivation, no desire to lose weight and sometimes if we try he gets very angry with us and we then just leave it.

Does anyone have any advice?

Really need to help him

Pebble321

Unfortunately the only person who can make the decision to change is him.
All you can do is tell him that you are worried and that you love him and want him around for a long time. That you will do anything to help once he asks for help. I know it's hard but nagging and making him feel guilty is only likely to aggravate him.
Be a good example, don't nag and hope that he will decide to change.

xraychick77

as sad as it is...there really is nothing you can do..he is an adult and has made his own choices. my parents are the same way and i used to get on them about it, but at last i finally realized nothing i do or say is going to change them..so instead of nagging them i just try to enjoy them while i have them..i am so afraid their lives will be cut short..but its their decision. and we all know as adults we cant change people, they have to want to change.

jasmin1310

You are so right, but its so frustrating that he doesn't want to change.
He is only 50 and I'm yet to have kids, I want him to be around and be able to play with my children. I just can't see how he is happy being the way he is.

kaylemartin

Unfortunately the only person who can make the decision to change is him.
All you can do is tell him that you are worried and that you love him and want him around for a long time. That you will do anything to help once he asks for help. I know it's hard but nagging and making him feel guilty is only likely to aggravate him.
Be a good example, don't nag and hope that he will decide to change.

I agree. He will only change if he truly wants to! I wish you all the best x

sharonsue

Just about the only thing you can do is lead by example and hope he changes. When and if he decides to change he will. It is possible the more you talk the more resistant he is going to be. I have been in a similar position and I know it hurts. I wish the best for you and your family.

lisab1969

Hi

My dad was the same. I have my little girl now but I wanted him to be around when I had children. He now goes bowling at the local club which gets him out and about. It's not everybody's cup of tea but it's worth a try. It's a way of making friends and will get him out and about. My local council run gym also does an over 50's class during the day. It may be he doesn't want to go with younger people being there. Look into those type of classes and get some leaflets and leave them with him - it's up to him from there on.

Good luck.

Lx

jasmin1310

Just about the only thing you can do is lead by example and hope he changes. When and if he decides to change he will. It is possible the more you talk the more resistant he is going to be. I have been in a similar position and I know it hurts. I wish the best for you and your family.

I wish leading by example was the case, I am slightly overweight, but I have never lacked motivation to lose it and have lost it in the past, my mother is very slim (she's very active) and so is my brother and sister... I just wish he could see what he is doing to his body.

lil_pulp

After reading your post, my first reaction is that maybe you're pushing too hard and asking for too drastic a change. A charity bike ride and a gym membership may be too intimidating and too much presure for someone who is not used to being active. Maybe you could just let him know that you're worried about his health and you want him to be healthy and stick around to see his grandchildren. Then offer to go for a short walk with him a few times a week.

As everyone else has said, though, if he's not into it, nagging will only make him more resistant.

Good luck!

-LP

Fr4z

My dad was not over weight but has had a stroke and his life is now severely restricted. Maybe If you knew of anyone who had had a stroke and get him to meet them it might bring the message home. Like many others have said it is down to him to change.

Crazyjoe11

Tricky one - gym membership can be quite daunting so maybe try starting small and just going for a stroll and then building from there. Any movement is better than sitting on the couch and he will soon feel the benefit. Good luck!

PhoenixRising11

I'm in a similar position with my dad's health. He's diabetic, overweight (but not by too much) and still drinks and eats junk. He used to be on metformin tablets and the docs told him he could change all that and even stop being diabetic if he tried. That was about 15-18 years ago. They warned him about his eye sight and said if he does nothing to help out his diet he could be blind within 5 years. 2 years ago they told him the metformin tablets are now not strong enough to deal with his diabeties and have moved him to insulin injection. He has trouble with his eye sight and has started getting swollen ankles and aches and pains everywhere.

I'm worried he won't be around to see me get married or have children. I know he would love to have grandchildren but the way he carries on you might find it hard to believe.
As much as me and my sisters and mum try and try to get him to see that he needs to change he just cant stop the lifestyle he leads. I guess he doesn't want to miss out. He's not doing anything to help himself and there is nothing any of us can say either.

We just have to watch him make his own decisions. It is so so so painful to watch someone NOT help themselves when there is so much they could do but that's the way it is.
I wish you all the best with you and your dad and family. One day he may decide enough is enough and you will be there to help him.

jasmin1310

After reading your post, my first reaction is that maybe you're pushing too hard and asking for too drastic a change. A charity bike ride and a gym membership may be too intimidating and too much presure for someone who is not used to being active. Maybe you could just let him know that you're worried about his health and you want him to be healthy and stick around to see his grandchildren. Then offer to go for a short walk with him a few times a week.

As everyone else has said, though, if he's not into it, nagging will only make him more resistant.

Good luck!

-LP

We've tried everything - from asking him to come with walks with us, to hoping that if he does join the gym he'll feel he has to go as it is being paid for, even if it is just for a swim - but he always says he will get active when he starts getting busy (work wise) but we've told him that now is the time to get active as he has the time because when he starts to work he will not get the chance. He seems to use an excuse for everything... We've all had an emotional heart to heart and that we want him to be around for our children, he may be motivated for a day, then he's back in front of the tv :frown:

JunkFoodJane

I feel similarly but about my sister. She is younger than me, shorter than me by 4-5" and outweighs me by about 13 pounds. She is sad and complains about it sometimes, but trying to help her out has never helped. I even offered her allowance a few years back if she walked 20 minutes a day on the treadmill, but she would do 2 days and quit.

She has a lot of habits that worry and even offend me, but I am not her keeper.


All I can really think of to suggest is when you make healthy, tasty meals to pack some up for him. Freeze it maybe and deliver it to him on a weekend? I know it's not ideal, just the only thing I could think of that could actually help. : /

You could also try to get him to go to events that involve walking (fairs, farmers markets, flea markets) and like a mommy take healthy snacks for him :P just don't tell him you're going for exercise!

jasmin1310

87sarah - why are dad's so stubborn?

I really hope everything works out for the best. I was hoping that someone could give me some miraculous advice, but i guess i just have to let him make his decisions.

all the best

jasmin1310

My dad was not over weight but has had a stroke and his life is now severely restricted. Maybe If you knew of anyone who had had a stroke and get him to meet them it might bring the message home. Like many others have said it is down to him to change.

My grandmother had a stroke just after turnin 50, she was blinded and disabled on her right side down. His eldest brother also had a stroke after turnin 50, he has speech problems now - its sad because its happened to his own family, yet he's not worried about it happening to him.

jasmin1310

I just had another heart to heart with my dad, he said he does want to lose weight but has other pressures on him at the moment.
I really hope everything is resolved soon, as I don't want it to be all too late

fteale

You can't change other people. It may be he does have a stroke, and it gives him the shock he needs to sort out his health.

PhoenixRising11

I don't know but sometimes I'd love to shout as loud as I can at him in anger and frustration. He's hurting his girls by being so stubborn and it's unfair to himself and everyone around him.

My bofyriend's dad passed away when he was just 13. He had the same diabetes as my dad and lived the same lifestyle as my dad does. He passed away from a heart attack when he was in his early 40's

I kind of thought that telling my dad about my boyfriends dad would give him a short sharp shock and push him into doing something about it. The cases are the same but my dad has been lucky enough to live for another 10 years. All it's done is make him say "aww that's such a shame" and carry on with what he's doing. It makes me so angry that he can be so ungrateful for the life that he's got, the years that he's lived. It's done nothing to change him, all it's done is made me terrified that I'm going to lose my dad in the same way.

But anyway, there's no point in dwelling on why they won't get into gear.
They are who they are, they do what they want to. Just like me and you with our life decisions.
All you can do is wait patiently and be there for him in case he ever has that epiphany and changes his life for the better.
xx

Niveous

Unfortunately the only person who can make the decision to change is him.
All you can do is tell him that you are worried and that you love him and want him around for a long time. That you will do anything to help once he asks for help. I know it's hard but nagging and making him feel guilty is only likely to aggravate him.
Be a good example, don't nag and hope that he will decide to change.

Rubybelle said it perfectly. Unfortunately I'm in the exact same situation with my mother. It's hard to watch them go through it, so my heart goes out to you - the best that we can do is support them and be there for them if they need us.

R_is_for_Rachel

you've done all you can, and as other posters have said -it's your Dads life.
The thing i've found with parents(my included) is that no matter how old you are-you are still their children thus your opinion isn't as important!
All you can do know is lead by example and don't nag -men in particular don't respond to nagging!

teresaq1

Am having the same issues with my dad. He sits all day and had a mild stroke due to his inactivity and poor diet last year. I got him into a seniors card group in his community. At least he goes out know. I also spoke to his doctor on the sly and the doctor prescribed an antidepressant that seems to motivate him a little to at least occassionally do something. I also had to learn to just let some of it go. Worrying is not healthy for you.

dlaplume2

Sometimes when things are too close to home people get scared. Maybe with his mother and his brother he is afraid it will happen to him, but is more affraid that he can't do anything about it anyways. Maybe he thinks it is inevitable so why bother. Do you have people on your dads side that are living healthy that didn't have a stroke. Maybe you could point out the differences in their life after 50.

It is so hard becasue you can't do it for them. Maybe he needs shorter goals or more immediate rewards. Say like if he walks 3-4 times a week for a month you can get his new van detailed. (don't know if you are talking brand new or new used) Be creative. Does he have any other hobbies you could help with a reward system.

You could also offer to grocery shop for him, or with him so he is making better choiced there too.

jasmin1310

Thank you everyone for your wonderfull suggestions. xx