rocky marriage problems

femmerides

so what do you do when you're quickly approaching your 7th wedding anniversary and your husband says he feels like the marriage is a prison? and then how do you NOT go out and buy a gallon of ice cream and stuff your face and cry uncontrollably? i haven't done that yet but i'm thinking about it...


thanks everyone. we've done a lot of the things you all suggested. we have had our good and bad times. most times we work it out because we always realize how much we love each other and genuinely like each other. a few months ago he said he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. we had a trial seperation (only a week or two) and then i came back because he said he really did love me. we both sought counseling as individuals for depression and got on meds. these last 6 weeks i thought were awesome. but apparently he feels like it's a prison. he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

Sunjenk

I have nothing advice wise for you, I hope everything works out, and I am sorry that this is what you are going through.

Melroxsox

Tell him to stop being a wimpy boy and start acting like a real man. Also don't let him or others keep you from your own goals! Good luck girl

HaleyAlli

What the heck is his problem? That's such a mean thing to say!! But don't eat that will just make you feel worse! Listen to music, write in a journal, call a friend--anything but the food!!!

pinkgigi

*hugs*
This is a story we all have to learn - how to nuture ourselves in healthy and respectful ways. Love and best wishes.

GG

Triquetra

You sit down between yourselves or with a counsellor and talk it out and what can be changed or made better in your relationship. You need to find out why he is feeling like this, until then nothing is going to change.

Buying ice cream by the buckets isn't going to help at all :grumble: , but maybe going for a long walk might be a better idea.

Hang in there and keep your chin up.

AllyS7

When my husband and I get into it (arguments I mean), I actually go for a run. I feel so great just thinking it out while running. Plus, the endorphins aren't a bad plus either.

Second, I'd suggest maybe a break from the kids or work for a day? Maybe do something that you and your husband haven't been able to do since you were a young couple?

Third, maybe talking to someone like a counselor would help. I know having a referee can be a huge advantage.

Satya_Ayurveda

WOW! So sorry to hear that... have you two tried couples counseling? It can be so beneficial!!! It's normal for marriages to go through cycles of good times, bad times, amazing times, wretched times and those times that are just at a stand still. It's so vital to find the keys to move forward on a day to day basis to make things marriage focused. I see you have kids, from your profile picture. I have two myself. So frequently, we get stuck in this pattern of focusing on parental demands rather than marital growth and it causes a shift to occur. Therapy can truly help. If not, try dating one another (without kids!)... hang in there

CeejayGee

First, set your boundaries and think about consequences. Why let someone else have influence over your progress, what you eat, etc? That gallon of ice cream will make you feel worse, not better. How about going and kicking a punching bag. Or running really hard. Or some other way to get stress OUT rather than take stress IN.

As for him...how about trying to figure out why? What needs to change for him (and you) to make your relationship better. Why does it feel like a prison? Are there things you can change?

rnprincess

Marriages go through many different stages, particularly early on., Don't resort to food to help your problems. Talk to your hubby and see if you can open the lines of communication and see why he feels this way. Work on it.

SarahR1984

You sit down between yourselves or with a counsellor and talk it out and what can be changed or made better in your relationship. You need to find out why he is feeling like this, until then nothing is going to change.

Exactly what I was going to say. I've been through my share of argument like this. Eating won't help. You need to find out the cause of his unhappiness and do your best to work it out. Good luck. If you keep turning to food for comfort during hard times you'll only end up feeling ashamed and like a failure for breaking down, on top of the marital problems. It'll just make it worse. I really hope you can work it out.

tammyquinnlmt

First, set your boundaries and think about consequences. Why let someone else have influence over your progress, what you eat, etc? That gallon of ice cream will make you feel worse, not better. How about going and kicking a punching bag. Or running really hard. Or some other way to get stress OUT rather than take stress IN.

As for him...how about trying to figure out why? What needs to change for him (and you) to make your relationship better. Why does it feel like a prison? Are there things you can change?

Sound advice. Try seeing things from his point of view...and then make decisions. Sometimes marriage is hard..and 7 years is hard..they don't call it the 7 year itch for nothing! I agree, food isn't a crutch..its nurishment. Punch something, sweat, cry, scream...but try to keep away from the ice cream. Best of luck to you. Pulling for you!

ginakelley

My husband had an affair at about the same point in our marriage... We had lost sight of each other and were focused on work, kids, housework, bills, etc... I know what your husband said to you was incredibly hurtful, but I wish my husband would have been honest with me prior to his infidelity, maybe we could have found each other again before that happened. I can say that I chose to stay after he chose to be honest with me and our marriage is on the right track. It has been over a year since he stopped seeing "her" and confessed... and each day things improve, but that starts with honesty... opening up about how you feel, where things are going right or wrong... this world isn't all sunshine and roses, but we have a choice each day on how to handle what it throws at us! Good luck to you... You will be in my thoughts... I can also say that I was/am a binge eater when times get tough, but all that does is make the problems worse and my butt/thighs bigger...

KayakAngel

When I read your post, I'm thinking he's really pushing your buttons - why is he doing that? Passive aggressive anger? Jealous you're taking care of yourself? Or does he really think that? I'd ponder the why, or find a healthy distraction until you are ready to ponder - skip the gallon of ice cream. Maybe some loud angry music on your headphones? Hope you guys are able to talk it out when you're both ready.

cklbrown

I'm so sorry to hear this. My husband of 17 years just left me. I am revisiting every decision I have made in the last year. I wish we had communicated. I am sad we did not sit and talk and try harder. I wish we went to counseling or a vacation alone or something. Don't ignore your problem, but don't let your stress derail you. You have enough to worry about. Don't double it!

femmerides

thanks everyone. we've done a lot of the things you all suggested. we have had our good and bad times. most times we work it out because we always realize how much we love each other and genuinely like each other. a few months ago he said he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. we had a trial seperation (only a week or two) and then i came back because he said he really did love me. we both sought counseling as individuals for depression and got on meds. these last 6 weeks i thought were awesome. but apparently he feels like it's a prison. he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

ESVABelle

Go for a run. Or a long walk. Or kick-boxing if you start to feel angry. Find a non-frozen dairy outlet! LoL.

SarahR1984

he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

Maybe he needs time to himself? My hubby works full time, takes 2 online classes, watches the kids on the 2 days he's off (I'm working) and he gets really stressed and overwhelmed. It sounds like your husband is working hard for your family with work and school. Maybe all that with having to do what you want him to do on the weekends is too much. I'd give him a nightevery so often to do what he wants, it sounds like maybe he deserves some alone time. idk, I just know my hubby works his butt off to make a better life for our family. I try not to tell him what to do and let him have some free time to unwind.

HaleyAlli

thanks everyone. we've done a lot of the things you all suggested. we have had our good and bad times. most times we work it out because we always realize how much we love each other and genuinely like each other. a few months ago he said he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. we had a trial seperation (only a week or two) and then i came back because he said he really did love me. we both sought counseling as individuals for depression and got on meds. these last 6 weeks i thought were awesome. but apparently he feels like it's a prison. he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

That sounds like my ex-boyfriend. I really hope your husband gets a grip on himself soon because that could easily spiral into soooo many things... Keep an eye out, that's all I can say...

johnstorz

Hi there. Try to understand what it is like to work and go to school all of those hours. When he is isn't working or going to school, he probably has a lot of homework. Try to understand that he probably is very stressed and feels torn trying to find time to fit in his work, his studdies, and you and the kids. From his point of view, he is investing in his family by attending school. The time he spends on his school work is a short term investment that will hopefully lead to a better future for the entire family. That's the way I viewed it when I was going to school, and working, and trying to find time for the familly. From his point of view, your pressure for his time may seem very selfish, given that from his view point he is working very very hard to ensure a better future for the entire family. All of that said, it is important to talk to each other about meaningfull things and make the best of the little time that you do spend together. Sooner or later he will graduate and thing will be better. Try to be understanding and supportive. Summer will be here soon, and I imagine that his schedule won't be as busy, and that there will be more oppertunity for fun family events. Rather than push him to make time for you right now, try to schedule a few fun family eventsy for upcomming summer weekends. Maybe a family camping trip or something. Just my thoughts.........

sweetsarahj

The best advice I can give you is to do what it takes to make yourself happy. Get some fun outside of your marriage- a sports team, a girls night each week, something that is for you. It sounds like your hubby is under a lot of pressure and needs some space. Give it to him- but don't sacrifice your life. Have some fun, take your kids to a water park, or something. When hubby sees how much fun you're having, he will come around on his own. Make him want to join you, not by 'nagging' but by having so much fun with your kids that he wants to spend time with you. I bet when you first met he was falling over himself to spend time with you. Get back to that.

sculley

so what do you do when you're quickly approaching your 7th wedding anniversary and your husband says he feels like the marriage is a prison? and then how do you NOT go out and buy a gallon of ice cream and stuff your face and cry uncontrollably? i haven't done that yet but i'm thinking about it...


thanks everyone. we've done a lot of the things you all suggested. we have had our good and bad times. most times we work it out because we always realize how much we love each other and genuinely like each other. a few months ago he said he loved me but wasn't IN LOVE with me. we had a trial seperation (only a week or two) and then i came back because he said he really did love me. we both sought counseling as individuals for depression and got on meds. these last 6 weeks i thought were awesome. but apparently he feels like it's a prison. he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

I have been going through this on and off for alittle bit with my husband. I think it has alot to do with his disorder though. Sometimes men say things they don't mean and also sometimes they say things that does not mean what you take it as. Find out what makes him feel that way. I have seen with my husband if he is exhuasted he gets moody like that. So with him working and going to school maybe give him a couple of hours to himself to relax on the weekend. I know how your feeling love because I only want to spend time with my husband as well and as a family. I hope this helps

Atlantique

Sorry if this sounds mean, but it sounds as though your husband just needs to grow up. He's got pretty unrealistic, childish expectations if he thinks that people feel infatuated with any long-term romantic partner every day of the relationship. (And when people say they're not 'in love', what they mean is that they are no longer infatuated. They accidentally stepped into maturity and didn't recognize it.)

And how could he not feel overwhelmed and confined if he's chosen to work full-time AND go to school full time WHILE raising a young family? That's not a 'marriage' problem, that's a problem of not forseeing the consequences of his own choices and then whining like a petulant child instead of resolving the issues he created for himself.

If this schedule is too much for him, he needs to find a way to adjust it. Jettisoning the family is not the choice an adult would make, but it is the one a man-child would make. He needs to adjust either his courseload or his work schedule and ease up the pressure he created for himself. He needs to grow up already, but he just doesn't want to do it.

HaleyAlli

Sorry if this sounds mean, but it sounds as though your husband just needs to grow up. He's got pretty unrealistic, childish expectations if he thinks that people feel infatuated with any long-term romantic partner every day of the relationship. (And when people say they're not 'in love', what they mean is that they are no longer infatuated. They accidentally stepped into maturity and didn't recognize it.)

And how could he not feel overwhelmed and confined if he's chosen to work full-time AND go to school full time WHILE raising a young family? That's not a 'marriage' problem, that's a problem of not forseeing the consequences of his own choices and then whining like a petulant child instead of resolving the issues he created for himself.

If this schedule is too much for him, he needs to find a way to adjust it. Jettisoning the family is not the choice an adult would make, but it is the one a man-child would make. He needs to adjust either his courseload or his work schedule and ease up the pressure he created for himself. He needs to grow up already, but he just doesn't want to do it.

^Amen to this, exactly what I was thinking.

femmerides

he works from 7am until 4pm then has school from 5pm until 10pm. we rarely see each other and i always try to get him to spend time with the kids and i on weekends. apparently all my "nagging" for time together makes him feel like a prisoner.

Maybe he needs time to himself? My hubby works full time, takes 2 online classes, watches the kids on the 2 days he's off (I'm working) and he gets really stressed and overwhelmed. It sounds like your husband is working hard for your family with work and school. Maybe all that with having to do what you want him to do on the weekends is too much. I'd give him a nightevery so often to do what he wants, it sounds like maybe he deserves some alone time. idk, I just know my hubby works his butt off to make a better life for our family. I try not to tell him what to do and let him have some free time to unwind.

so here's the thing. he has a lot of time to himself. his class doesn't start til 6:30pm so he spends 5pm until 6:30pm hanging out with his shop buddies at school. then he gets out at 10pm and goes out until 11pm almost every night to hang out with his buddies. then on weekends i ALWAYS let him sleep in til 10 and usually he always has plans to hang out with his friends. i totally understand how hard he works and i appreciate it but i hate the fact that he chooses to spend his free time with his friends instead of his family...

femmerides

Hi there. Try to understand what it is like to work and go to school all of those hours. When he is isn't working or going to school, he probably has a lot of homework. Try to understand that he probably is very stressed and feels torn trying to find time to fit in his work, his studdies, and you and the kids. From his point of view, he is investing in his family by attending school. The time he spends on his school work is a short term investment that will hopefully lead to a better future for the entire family. That's the way I viewed it when I was going to school, and working, and trying to find time for the familly. From his point of view, your pressure for his time may seem very selfish, given that from his view point he is working very very hard to ensure a better future for the entire family. All of that said, it is important to talk to each other about meaningfull things and make the best of the little time that you do spend together. Sooner or later he will graduate and thing will be better. Try to be understanding and supportive. Summer will be here soon, and I imagine that his schedule won't be as busy, and that there will be more oppertunity for fun family events. Rather than push him to make time for you right now, try to schedule a few fun family eventsy for upcomming summer weekends. Maybe a family camping trip or something. Just my thoughts.........

i definitely agree with you about his point of view. he's voiced it to me. but you have to understand my point of view too. i work 24/7. i have 2 kids under 3 and i work all day every day and i wake up 3 to 4 times a night to take care of my little one. i haven't slept more than 4 hours straight in over 3 years. i am exhausted. at least he gets adult interaction at work and at school. and every day from 5 to 6:30 he gets that time to hang out with his buddies at school. and after school every day he goes out to the bar with his buddies for a beer or two. and then some days he ditches school and goes driving with his friends. and weekends he always has a jam packed schedule of things he's doing with his friends. i get upset not because i want him to spend every second with me. no. i couldn't handle that. i get upset because he uses ALL his free time on his friends instead of his family.

femmerides

The best advice I can give you is to do what it takes to make yourself happy. Get some fun outside of your marriage- a sports team, a girls night each week, something that is for you. It sounds like your hubby is under a lot of pressure and needs some space. Give it to him- but don't sacrifice your life. Have some fun, take your kids to a water park, or something. When hubby sees how much fun you're having, he will come around on his own. Make him want to join you, not by 'nagging' but by having so much fun with your kids that he wants to spend time with you. I bet when you first met he was falling over himself to spend time with you. Get back to that.

i love this! i spend so much time being a wife and a mom and a housekeeper, etc that i never do anything for me. so it's time for me to put me first and do the things i like to do. thank you! maybe once i make myself happy he'll actually WANT to spend time with me.

femmerides

Sorry if this sounds mean, but it sounds as though your husband just needs to grow up. He's got pretty unrealistic, childish expectations if he thinks that people feel infatuated with any long-term romantic partner every day of the relationship. (And when people say they're not 'in love', what they mean is that they are no longer infatuated. They accidentally stepped into maturity and didn't recognize it.)

And how could he not feel overwhelmed and confined if he's chosen to work full-time AND go to school full time WHILE raising a young family? That's not a 'marriage' problem, that's a problem of not forseeing the consequences of his own choices and then whining like a petulant child instead of resolving the issues he created for himself.

If this schedule is too much for him, he needs to find a way to adjust it. Jettisoning the family is not the choice an adult would make, but it is the one a man-child would make. He needs to adjust either his courseload or his work schedule and ease up the pressure he created for himself. He needs to grow up already, but he just doesn't want to do it.

unfortunately he HAS to work full time and he HAS to go to school monday thru thursday because his work requires the school. and he has to work full time because he fully supports our family financially so that i can stay home with the babies. so i am so proud that he works so hard for us and rarely complains but i just wish that he would make time for us every once in a while.

sweetsarahj

The best advice I can give you is to do what it takes to make yourself happy. Get some fun outside of your marriage- a sports team, a girls night each week, something that is for you. It sounds like your hubby is under a lot of pressure and needs some space. Give it to him- but don't sacrifice your life. Have some fun, take your kids to a water park, or something. When hubby sees how much fun you're having, he will come around on his own. Make him want to join you, not by 'nagging' but by having so much fun with your kids that he wants to spend time with you. I bet when you first met he was falling over himself to spend time with you. Get back to that.

i love this! i spend so much time being a wife and a mom and a housekeeper, etc that i never do anything for me. so it's time for me to put me first and do the things i like to do. thank you! maybe once i make myself happy he'll actually WANT to spend time with me.

Good, I'm glad what I said resonanted with you. I've been married, the whole 7-year-itch thing does exist. I really think that for a marriage to last, each person has take their own happiness into their own hands, and that helps the attraction stay alive.

I hope you do start making some plans to have fun, and hubby starts asking you to spend more time with him!

Take care