teen with low self confidence....

jackeh

So my daughter is 13 and last night i found a pair of nice pants that i had that were mine from YEARS ago. They are size 9 but a small size 9... anyways i gave them to my daughter and she came in my room this morning in tears because they dont fit her, and started going on about how fat she is. Of course i tried to reassure her its just the pants because she normally fits into a size 5/6 and she is not fat in any way!!! She was saying "your not the one who has to change in front of everyone for gym class at school and all her friends are skinnier than her!!!" and i explained to her that sometimes how we view ourselves is different than how others view us, and im sure EVERY girl in that changing room is concerned about how they look!! I told her she is beautiful the way she is and she has no need to worry about her body!!!

Its so hard because i want her to be confident and know she is beautiful and perfect the way she is but im not sure how to get her to UNDERSTAND that .... Im her mom and i dont know anything right??? (or so she tells me) any ideas on how to make her understand that she is beautiful???

this is Sarah

jackeh

So my daughter is 13 and last night i found a pair of nice pants that i had that were mine from YEARS ago. They are size 9 but a small size 9... anyways i gave them to my daughter and she came in my room this morning in tears because they dont fit her, and started going on about how fat she is. Of course i tried to reassure her its just the pants because she normally fits into a size 5/6 and she is not fat in any way!!! She was saying "your not the one who has to change in front of everyone for gym class at school and all her friends are skinnier than her!!!" and i explained to her that sometimes how we view ourselves is different than how others view us, and im sure EVERY girl in that changing room is concerned about how they look!! I told her she is beautiful the way she is and she has no need to worry about her body!!!

Its so hard because i want her to be confident and know she is beautiful and perfect the way she is but im not sure how to get her to UNDERSTAND that .... Im her mom and i dont know anything right??? (or so she tells me) any ideas on how to make her understand that she is beautiful???

this is Sarah

laine23

oh my god this is so sad cuz ur daughter is in no way fat!! and she's beautiful!
off course I can remember teen pressure to be the tinnest, the prettiest and how important it seemed in a world that glorifies external "beauty".
Moreover she should understand that this so called beauty preached by the medias, the movies, the fashion world won't last. I mean Marylin Monroe was beautiful and she was not slim (and she wasn't fat) and it was forty/fifty years ago...
In the eighties the most succesful models (Claudia Shiffer and all) were woman with breast and hips and it was 20 years ago!
Industries wins tons of money with your insatisfaction so keeping u with low self esteem makes you buy more stuff.

you should explain all that to ur daugher maybe she won't get it right on but the thoughts of it will surely make their way!

Juliebean

It's so hard to accept our bodies at that age (umm... I'm still having trouble accepting mine 10 years later...) and I remember being exactly where your daughter is now. The only thing I can tell you is to make sure that you reinforce how you feel about her and how beautiful you think she is. Eventually, it will start to rub off on her. Tell her to pick one thing about her body that she likes and one thing that she doesn't like. Tell her to focus on the things that she does like and try to change the things that she doesn't like, but in a healthy way. Maybe you guys could take walks together. That would give you both some easy exercise and some great mother-daughter time.

You could also let her know that clothes are being made much differently these days! I have a pair of size 14 pants that still fit me comfortably that I bought about 5 years ago... and I'm a size 20. Need I say more?

dewpearl

Point 1 (right, I'm the one with the points - maths girl here): you made very good points to her. That very few are happy (if any) with what they are. That she IS very pretty. That it's all about how we feel.

Point 2: I agree to the stupid media pressure. But those people have nothing better to do! I mean, they just live to be admired and in the center of attention, no matter what. Maybe there are better looking girls, but maybe their mums aren't as supportive as hers, or their voices are horrible :laugh: .

Point 3: You have to point out to your girl that looks is just not everything. A perfect body who'd always be crying, complaining and a pain in the neck is going to put her looks in shadow and make people avoid her. The more she's happy with what she is and at peace with herself, the more the odds are she's gonna be lovely. Isn't there anyone she likes a lot, though they are not Miss/Mr America?

Point 4: the ugly get married just as good as the beauty queens. So finding a partner is not about looks (attraction functions in surprising ways and we mind find someone just right for us who's not really Brad Pitt or that Technoviking).

Point 5: it's great that she comes to you. Crying, if it has to be. Just be there for her anytime, and tell her how well you understand her feelings. My mum was there for me always, and even when it was clear I was not convinced by her arguments and thought she was biased, I knew I could always run to her. Btw, if mum knew I was here and what goal I set, she'd kick my *excuse me*. :laugh:

sweetpea03b

As silly as it may seem..... one episode of "what not to wear" they encountered a young girl that had alot of body image issues.... so they put a piece of paper taped on the wall (or layed on the floor... whatever works) and had her draw with a marker how she thought her body looked. Then they had her lay against the paper and they actually drew her body outline. This helped her to see that in her mind she was ALOT larger than she actually was! I have been there... it is a hard battle with self image... especially when the media portrays that you have to be so thin to be beautiful. Good luck!

lina1131

As silly as it may seem..... one episode of "what not to wear" they encountered a young girl that had alot of body image issues.... so they put a piece of paper taped on the wall (or layed on the floor... whatever works) and had her draw with a marker how she thought her body looked. Then they had her lay against the paper and they actually drew her body outline. This helped her to see that in her mind she was ALOT larger than she actually was! I have been there... it is a hard battle with self image... especially when the media portrays that you have to be so thin to be beautiful. Good luck!

That is a damn good idea.

mholmes

I wish I'd had someone to talk to when I was that age to tell all those exact same things to. I didn't have anyone to go to personally, so she's incredibly lucky to have you as a mother and a friend. I skipped gym as often as possible until somehow I got a free pass out of it for the same reasons she hates it. I was mortified of having people see my rolls during sit-ups, or being fat keeping me from running as fast as others or them seeing me panting, changing? I don't even like to change in front of my husband! I'm one of 5 girls and I was the only one who would lock the bathroom door, hop in, close the curtain, then undress and throw the clothes over the rod lol.... But now I'm almost 10 sizes bigger than I was in highschool and WISH I was "that fat" again! Assure her that what she feels is typical and that, just what you said, no one is completely comfortable in their skin... it takes time to appreciate the body we're given. The best quote I heard that made me smile and feel pretty good about myself was "I know I'm not perfect, but parts of me are incredible!" Teach her to love her qualities she does love more and more and they'll begin to outweigh the things she doesn't like... yet :flowerforyou:

jackeh

As silly as it may seem..... one episode of "what not to wear" they encountered a young girl that had alot of body image issues.... so they put a piece of paper taped on the wall (or layed on the floor... whatever works) and had her draw with a marker how she thought her body looked. Then they had her lay against the paper and they actually drew her body outline. This helped her to see that in her mind she was ALOT larger than she actually was! I have been there... it is a hard battle with self image... especially when the media portrays that you have to be so thin to be beautiful. Good luck!

maybe ill try that one .... I dont have a big piece of paper so maybe ill do a chalk outline on the fence....

jamerz3294

There is no super power in the world that can compare to the attitude of a 13 year old girl! :mad:
they truly are amazing that way! Only advice I could offer is to just try and keep the lines of communicatin open, and show her that she really is as beautiful as she seems.