I have a question, not really about motivation or support, b

registers

I know 2 women, in real life. They both have sons, who are addicts. I have told them, "it's your fault for letting them do it." They both have the same excuse, "they are going to do it anyways, if i do something or not." I think this is a petty excuse. But it's understandable. Is this excuse justifiable? I haven't been in their shoes, so I can't say. But obviously I have my opinions about it.

McKayMachina

Sometimes, yes, that's true. But also look at it this way.

We all know people who are successful IN SPITE OF their parents.

Doesn't mean their parents ought to get the credit.

:ohwell:

TheGoktor

Sometimes, yes, that's true. But also look at it this way.

We all know people who are successful IN SPITE OF their parents.

Doesn't mean their parents ought to get the credit.

:ohwell:

Yep - I'm a prime example of that, McKay.

TheGoktor

I know 2 women, in real life. They both have sons, who are addicts. I have told them, "it's your fault for letting them do it." They both have the same excuse, "they are going to do it anyways, if i do something or not." I think this is a petty excuse. But it's understandable. Is this excuse justifiable? I haven't been in their shoes, so I can't say. But obviously I have my opinions about it.

I don't see how parents are supposed to stop their offspring doing things like drinking and drugs, barring keeping them prisoner 24 hours a day. I would imagine they feel bad enough about what their kids are doing, without having someone behave judgementally toward them. Do you have children? Do you have any idea what it's like to raise children? Do have the slightest inkling of how wilful teenagers can be toward their parents?

Having said that, your post would seem to imply that they may not have tried to do anything to help their sons, which if true, is very sh***y indeed, and yes, sounds lazy and not at all justifiable IMO. However, I don't know these women or their situation, so who knows what really goes on?

cherrieruns

I guess I don't understand what "they let them do it" means. There are so many variables. How old are they boys? Do they live at home or on their own? Are the women providing the money to sustain their addiction? Just to name a few. Many parents do end up enabling their children simply because they don't know what else to do or worry about them if they don't 'help' them. It is a lousy situation to be in regardless.

The only person truly responsible for their addiction is that person. No one forces use to overeat or binge or whatever it is that has brought us to MFP, right? only we did.

Fattack

There are many people on this site who are (or were), despite their parents' best efforts, addicted to food and killing themselves in a similar manner. I note that you do not refer to these women as friends, so it's not really your place to be so judgemental, especially as you've not been in their shoes.

infosynth

Ultimately, we are individuals and are responsible for our own actions. Over time, parents lose the ability to influence the decisions their children make---it's part of growing up.

What makes someone into an addict? Bad parenting? Perhaps. Peers who are addicts? Much more likely. Genetics? Most certainly a contributing factor.

Telling a parent that her child is a "failure" because of her was hurtful and unnecessary.

In your profile, you state that you have struggled with your weight your entire life. According to your version of "logic," that's your mother's fault.

rharris86dc

I don't necessarily agree that it is these ladies' fault. How many times have you ever gone against your parents wishes? I know I did a lot, when I was younger. Thankfully, the bad behaviour mostly didn't stick, lol.

But they may have been a contributing factor, by either setting a bad example in the first place, or not talking about the issues to steer the boys in the right direction. But like another poster said, we don't know the circumstances so it is hard to tell.

nerdyandilikeit

Sometimes, yes, that's true. But also look at it this way.

We all know people who are successful IN SPITE OF their parents.

Doesn't mean their parents ought to get the credit.

:ohwell:

Yep - I'm a prime example of that, McKay.

Oh, me too. So are my brother and sister. Not everything a person does can be credited to the parents. Except I try to be the exact opposite of how my mom handles her money.

realrayne10

Don't you think that they both feel guilty enough without you adding your two cents? How do you think openly blaming them for their children's disease is going to HELP them in any way?

FaerieMoon

My brother is an addict, and my parents have enabled him to stay an addict longer than I think he would have had he been on his own and been forced to hit rock bottom.

My parents point of view is that he may have died before he hit bottom, and they couldn't have that on their conscience.

Now that I have kids of my own I really don't know if I would have the strength to do any different. Turn your back on your child in a life or death situation?

My answer is to stop these behaviours before they begin. Because as I see it addiction is genetic ( I know I have struggled with a fair few of my own demons) Had my parents taken a stronger stance in the beginning when we were younger maybe things wouldn't have progressed so far.

Were your words helpful...no, probably not.
Were you right? Maybe
But Does Being right really mean anything in the end?

Sezmo83

I have several friends who have been or still are drug addicts. Are their parents to blame? Some of them, yes I think they are partly to blame. Others though...no way. Peer pressure got most of the addicts I know started on the slippery slope to addiction in their teen years. Everyone else was doing it so they did it too no matter what they really thought about it or what their parents did or said. And once they're on it it's hellishly difficult for them to get off it and stay off it. I know two who've managed it so far, both had to move out of the area to do so though.

Angiebug1969

Parents fight many battles... and they do NOT start when a child is 13 years old... it starts long before that child is 13 MONTHS old! It is a "Day One and forward" kind of thing with children... guiding and redirecting undesirable behavior, setting a positive example and nurturing their development from Day One!

Sure things are going to get in their way, derail them... derail US... but we MUST continue to provide a strong, positive, helpful example for them to follow & strive for.

(And yes, I have 3 children... 20 yrs, 17 yrs, & 9yrs)

ang16

I know 2 women, in real life. They both have sons, who are addicts. I have told them, "it's your fault for letting them do it." They both have the same excuse, "they are going to do it anyways, if i do something or not." I think this is a petty excuse. But it's understandable. Is this excuse justifiable? I haven't been in their shoes, so I can't say. But obviously I have my opinions about it.

"

" I havent been in their shoes , so I cant say" erm, you already have said.

Telling a "friend" that what has happened is all their fault really isnt of any use at all. Imagine something absolutely dreadful happening in your life, which required you needing a friend to talk to and they turned round with a similar attitude to what you have just displayed to your friend.

You dont know the circumstance of why this person is doing what they do. I work(volunteer) with women for instance who are victims of childhood sexual abuse and they turned to drugs as an escape and then to prostitution. Would you judge them?

Before making such quick assumptions, maybe you should consider that life is not black and white.