I have a question, not really about motivation or support, b

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registers
registers Posts: 782 Member
in Motivation and Support
I know 2 women, in real life. They both have sons, who are addicts. I have told them, "it's your fault for letting them do it." They both have the same excuse, "they are going to do it anyways, if i do something or not." I think this is a petty excuse. But it's understandable. Is this excuse justifiable? I haven't been in their shoes, so I can't say. But obviously I have my opinions about it.

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  • fteale
    fteale Posts: 5,311 Member
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    I think telling someone who is going through the trauma of their child being an addict that it is their fault is completely heartless and beyond judgemental.
  • curleesam
    curleesam Posts: 462 Member
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    Agree with above. You have to stay out of it. As a parent the last thing she will want is someone telling her how to raise her children.
  • CassieLEO
    CassieLEO Posts: 757 Member
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    I think telling someone who is going through the trauma of their child being an addict that it is their fault is completely heartless and beyond judgemental.

    Yep- and no friend that I would want would ever say something like that to me.
  • Kirsty_UK
    Kirsty_UK Posts: 965 Member
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    You dont say how old their children are, or what they are addicted too.

    But I'd most likely agree with the other posts
  • registers
    registers Posts: 782 Member
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    Maybe I had my own addictions and maybe one of these person is my mom, and another one my aunt, and i am looking out for my family??? and maybe one of these people give drugs to their kids.
  • CassieLEO
    CassieLEO Posts: 757 Member
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    Maybe I had my own addictions and maybe one of these person is my mom, and another one my aunt, and i am looking out for my family???

    Then you should know how hurtful addictions can be and how much it can hurt the people around them. Believe me I know all about those.
  • registers
    registers Posts: 782 Member
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    I guess it boils down to complaining verses action. Just tired of hearing them complain about it, yet they do nothing about it.

    In some post above, you don't want to be told the truth? you just want to live in a world of illusion. That's fine.
  • anubis609
    anubis609 Posts: 3,966 Member
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    Being a recovering addict, I'll speak on the fact that my parents blamed themselves for the actions that I willingly took on my own accord. No one else blamed them, and neither did I. It wasn't their fault. No one "let me" do anything... I did it out of my own personal choice. So, their responses were appropriate and not a cop out or excuse.

    True, you haven't been in their shoes, so I would have to agree that it's unfair to speak on a subject you're unfamiliar with. Whether you were passing judgment or not, placing blame is a judgmental act in itself. As someone who knows them personally, it might be better on your part to support them through their crises because that kind of scenario damages family values and structure. Trust issues run deep and last for years, sometimes unresolved and continual. Allow them to deal with it accordingly and either remain neutral about it, or be supportive. Otherwise, if it's a burden that you're taking upon yourself [which isn't recommended], allow them to decide whether you are welcome to do so, or the relationship you have with these women may just be jeopardized.

    That's just my opinion, so I leave the decision to you.

    Edit: If they happen to be relatives, I'll definitely leave that decision up to you... no one really has a place to dictate how you want to handle family.
  • Hernandezedw
    Hernandezedw Posts: 284
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    Sometimes people need to be told about the issue that is staring straight into their face. But you need to offer suggestions, not just comments. Offer to help, if you really care.
  • oxFaithxo
    oxFaithxo Posts: 160 Member
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    to play devil's advocate here... i think YES it was very harsh for someone to say it is a mothers fault that their child is an addict. From the little information we got it came off BAD.

    NOW IF you are the addict and YOU are telling ur mother or aunt or whoever that it is their fault you are an addict sounds like you are looking for an excuse for your addiction, I think the fact you can say you have a problem and you are looking to blame someone is one step to finding a solution. i think IF you are the addict you should seek help rather than playing the blame game... you can blame your mom your aunt hell you can blame me... but at the end of the day you are still and addict...

    IF these people are giving you drugs then you need to seperate urself from them, but ask urself are they giving you the drugs because without them you steal, lie, or become violent without the drugs.... will you cause harm to urself trying to gain that drug.

    Sweetie i dont know the situation but anyone who is an addict should just seek help especially if they looking to blame someone i think they are ready for the help
  • registers
    registers Posts: 782 Member
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    anubis, i guess you're right, looks like we have a lot of stuff in common. and guess what? yes i am mad!
  • MissConfidence
    MissConfidence Posts: 441
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    I'm sorry you're going through this.

    I'm not going to judge who's right who's wrong - I simply don't have enough information and even if I did I'm not involved in this and can't assess the situation from a distance. I suggest if you know someone is giving their child or other family member drugs or whatever it is you're talking about, that you seek some professional help to help that family member. If you can be part of the solution and do something positive to help someone, please do! This will help you in the long run, too.
  • sicembears
    sicembears Posts: 77 Member
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    Being a recovering addict, I'll speak on the fact that my parents blamed themselves for the actions that I willingly took on my own accord. No one else blamed them, and neither did I. It wasn't their fault. No one "let me" do anything... I did it out of my own personal choice. So, their responses were appropriate and not a cop out or excuse.

    True, you haven't been in their shoes, so I would have to agree that it's unfair to speak on a subject you're unfamiliar with. Whether you were passing judgment or not, placing blame is a judgmental act in itself. As someone who knows them personally, it might be better on your part to support them through their crises because that kind of scenario damages family values and structure. Trust issues run deep and last for years, sometimes unresolved and continual. Allow them to deal with it accordingly and either remain neutral about it, or be supportive. Otherwise, if it's a burden that you're taking upon yourself [which isn't recommended], allow them to decide whether you are welcome to do so, or the relationship you have with these women may just be jeopardized.

    That's just my opinion, so I leave the decision to you.

    Edit: If they happen to be relatives, I'll definitely leave that decision up to you... no one really has a place to dictate how you want to handle family.

    My husband and I always blamed ourselves for our son's addictions, depleted our savings to get him help, exhausted every form of rehab/counsel available in our community, and in the end still blamed ourselves. He was 17. We couldn't physically keep him home, and it broke our hearts watching him walk out the door knowing what he was going to do. It was pure anguish for 2 years straight. Our friends (and our faith) were our saving grace. They listened, invited us over for meals, and were just there. Now on the other side of the crisis (as my son is doing well), I know how to love another friend through it. Sometimes it takes the pain of experience to really know how to care.

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