I Need Advice

BamBam1113

So, I work full time for the school system, part-time for an ambulance company, and under the table for a moving company. I used to be full time with the moving company until I needed to move on, but I still help them with big projects from time to time for some cash $$$. Anyways, my full-time job is a 9-6 job. I make ok money for the lifestyle me and my girlfriend live. I have state benefits, all that. She moved down here from Virginia on the spur of the moment to get out of a bad relationship and into and good one (with me). She had to take the first job that came her way which was for a maid service. She enjoys it because she is usually off by about noon or 2:00. The good thing is that she is able to run errands and start dinner...things like that. The bad thing is that the money she makes, I can make working weekends at my part-time job. I have tried hinting at her that she needs to be looking for something else. I don't want to be living in an apartment forever. My goal is to be in a house in about 18 months. I would just love it if I came home one night and she said, "Guess where all i put in applications at?" Just to show me she's making an effort ya know? But i get text messages at like 2 in the afternoon, "I'm bored and there's nothing on TV." Well then get off your *kitten* and go find a better job!!! Help!!! What do I do?!?!? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she's not really taking the hints!!!

BamBam1113

Please?

Stooooo

Have you told her what your plans are?

vyvrhovat

dude, you are too nice. drop the bomb. sit down and have a serious, non-argumentative, adult conversation about it. lay out your goals and tell her that you want her to be a part of them, like you want her to be a part of your future. no relationship is a one-way street, unless it's a ****ty one. if she's a good woman, she'll see that, even if it takes a little time to get over being butthurt at the confrontational aspect of it. I've had conversations exactly like this with my man, and it definitely hurts his pride, but he knows I am not being unreasonable. one time I even put together a little graph type thing of exactly what I contribute, what he contributes, and what that adds up to for us both. that way, there isnt any wiggle room and he could see that what I was saying was true, even if he didnt want to acknowledge it.
just be polite but firm. dont get pushed over. your requirements of your significant other are not out of the ordinary, everybody has these problems. some people just do not confront the issue very well and it ends up being a way bigger deal than it has to be.

koosdel

Probly time to sit her down with the check book, not that it would help. Truly sorry dude. I've been there.

kimber607

I think you guys should have a heart to heart
Tell her, like u did us, that you want a better life for both of them ...and aspire to buy a house soon
that It would make sense if she could start looking for a Full-time better paying position sooner than later...if she gets pissed or refuses, you'll have other issues to take on and better to know sooner than later
BUT i think all u need right now is a little honesty..she might need the nudge and hopefully will completely agree and be on board..and u will feel so much better

good luck!

ladybug1620

Definitely time for a sit down. My husband is self-employed. One of his other friends is also self-employed, but makes a ton of money. After we had our first baby, my husband took to hanging out with this friend and trying to live his lifestyle. Golfing instead of working, going out for expensive lunches, etc. Which is fine, if you have money like this dude but we do NOT. I sat him down and showed him in black and white that he was not pulling his weight with the bills and we were about to go under money wise. I don't think he had a clue how much more I was contributing financially than him. I'm happy to say that he's straightened up considerably. Sometimes people just need it put right there in front of their face to "get it."

Aesop101

No one will probably like my answer. So please don't take offense. This wouldn't be an issue if she wasn't living with you. I've lived with a woman before, my ex. So yes I'm a hypocrite.

Here it is you have a goal of buying a home and you expect her, not your wife, to contribute to your goal. There's no commitment there and I sure wouldn't expect it.

Now I wouldn't tell her my goals up front. I would ask for her's first. To see if you are on the same page.

I do understand about working more than one job. You feel you are being taken advantage of and also you are probably exhausted. Many folks are not that driven. I applaud that.

There's quite a bit here and way more than I have answers. One thing for sure, don't let it fester.

All the best!

Jizes318

No one will probably like my answer. So please don't take offense. This wouldn't be an issue if she wasn't living with you. I've lived with a woman before, my ex. So yes I'm a hypocrite.

Here it is you have a goal of buying a home and you expect her, not your wife, to contribute to your goal. There's no commitment there and I sure wouldn't expect it.

Now I wouldn't tell her my goals up front. I would ask for her's first. To see if you are on the same page.

I do understand about working more than one job. You feel you are being taken advantage of and also you are probably exhausted. Many folks are not that driven. I applaud that.

There's quite a bit here and way more than I have answers. One thing for sure, don't let it fester.

All the best!

I AGREE WITH THIS. YOU WANT HER TO TAKE PART OF YOUR FUTURE PLAN BUT YOU HAVEN'T DISCUSSED A PLAN YET IS WHAT I AM GETTING. DO YOU SEE A FUTURE WITH HER? DOES SHE SEE A FUTURE WITH YOU? IF YOU BOTH AGREE ON MUTUAL THINGS (MARRIAGE, HOUSE, KIDS ETC) A TALK IS IN ORDER AND MAY REALLY HELP YOU BOTH IN MANY ASPECTS! IF YOU WORK ON A GOAL TOGETHER AND VOICE THEM YOU CAN WORK AS A TEAM NOT A ONE SIDED TEAM

cbratthauer

No one will probably like my answer. So please don't take offense. This wouldn't be an issue if she wasn't living with you. I've lived with a woman before, my ex. So yes I'm a hypocrite.

Here it is you have a goal of buying a home and you expect her, not your wife, to contribute to your goal. There's no commitment there and I sure wouldn't expect it.

Now I wouldn't tell her my goals up front. I would ask for her's first. To see if you are on the same page.

I do understand about working more than one job. You feel you are being taken advantage of and also you are probably exhausted. Many folks are not that driven. I applaud that.

There's quite a bit here and way more than I have answers. One thing for sure, don't let it fester.

All the best!

I kind of agree with this. My fiance and I both want to eventually get into a bigger house so we are both saving our money for it, but it is our joint goal. Something we want so that when we have kids we have the space. I think first you should ask yourself how serious your relationship is right now, do you see yourself with this girl in a year from now? Then sit down and talk to her about where your relationship is at and where she would like it to go in the future.

vxmittyxv

This is exactly why my husband and I do his/her money. We never have those "why am I putting out more then you" arguements. All our bill money goes into one account and we each know how much we are expected to contribute to that account. Whatever is left over is our spending money. However, we do know what each others family goals are: i.e we want to move into 2013. So the funds for these goal are also going into that account.

With all that said. First you need to make sure that your goals are also her goals. I mean who knows maybe her goals is to ultimately have you 100% financially support her one day. However, if she is on the same page. Sit down and do the math with her. Gaurantee you when she realizes that her percentage of the bills is all her money. She will find a better job.

BamBam1113

I should have probably given a little bit more information. We have talked about getting married and yes I do see myself settling down with her and I know she feels the same way about me. We have discussed the goals together and we both agree on them. The problem is that I am giving 150% and she is giving 50%. I don't care what she does for a living (within reason of course), but I just want to feel like both of us are contributing equally.

alex215

If you are planing on marrying her some day you really need to be open with her and bring your concerns to the table and discuss them.

if you feel like you are giving 150% and she is giving 50% there is something wrong. i feel you need to let her know exactly how you feel and mutually come up with a way both of you can work on this. I say "both" because in a relationship both people have to be on board with change in order for it to work.

Like most people i am sure you might have experienced past relationships where one person hopes for change in the other and it never comes and it can have a negative toll on your relationship. The cliche saying people never change applies to most relationships and people, but i do believe people can change in a relationship but its not easy. It also takes 100% effort on both parts. my simple advice to you is be completely honest with her and if you love her and see your self marrying her i would hope she would understand and also give 100% to your relationship and future goals.