Rarrrr, feeling rubbish!

natajane

Thought I'd come on here for a big old moan! Better than eating to comfort myself.

Just feeling a bit rubbish really. Perhaps tiredness as I've just spent a couple of days away with work.

These days away have been hard really - whilst I probably appear quite outgoing to my colleagues, I actually find it quite an effort to be so sociable and to be 'on show' for long hours.

Had a bit of a bummer on Wednesday as well - myself and 60 colleagues were at a centre that holds camps for children with cancer.

Its a great place - its a fun happy place for kids to go and have fun and forget that they're ill (as far as they can). Thats another topic though, i could talk about that place for days!

We'd done some painting in the stables to help maintain the place anyhow, and afterwards we were rewarded with some team activities - archery lessons and a play on a zip wire thing.

I didn't want to go on the zip wire to begin with - I was worried that the harness wouldn't fit or that they wouldn't be able to push my off hard enough and so I'd get stuck half way or something fat related like that!

To be honest that was a bit of a daft worry on my part because I'm not ridiculously large.There were other people at the camp larger than me.

Anyhow, the gear did fit (Hurray!) and I decided I'd stop being a wuss and have a go on the thing - if sick kids could do it, then I could certainly at least face my fears in their honour!

So I did it - I went across the wire and back no problem! I was elated, it was such good fun and I was proud I pushed myself. I was proud that I didn't let being self concious hold me back and that I'd set a bit of an example to my other colleagues who were afraid too.

But when they were un harnessing me, I overheard a colleague who was due to go on the zip wire after me comment on how it'd be much different for him because I was so much larger than him.

He said it in quite a nasty snide way, as though he thought he was being funny. He must have known I heard him as well, because I looked straight at him after he said it.

I was gutted at first, my workplace is full of really nice people so I was shocked and disappointed really. I don't really know this man well, so then I decided it was his problem not mine (he's not thin himself!!!!). I ignored it and said nothing to him or my friends. Seemed that quite a few of my other colleagues avoided him after that so I felt supported at least.

I'm home now though and I think really it did upset me a little and I should get it off my chest.

I feel a bit deflated in all honesty, I've lost 11lbs so far and felt like I was making progress. His silly comment just reminded me that I've got far to go still. Teaming that with not being able to follow my diet for 3 days and I'm feeling low now, like a failure.

And angry too also! How dare he think its ok to comment on my size so publically in a work situation - it was rather uncalled for.

And why can't I partake in a physical activity without having my appearance judged? I'm quite fit these days, and I dress well for my size. Its not like I was doing anything that should have drawn negative attention to myself really. I was just taking part like everyone else.

It left me feeling a bit exposed for the rest of the trip away to be honest, like I should be more reserved because I'm not thin!!! I didn't go on the rodeo bull at the evening do (I would have, multiple times), I didn't stand up and chat to colleagues as much as I would have usually either.

I feel peeved with myself for letting this daft man bother me!

x

froglegjack

I can totally understand how you are feeling. I am glad you came on here to release some of those feelings and not to comfort food like I am quite noted for too. So good on ya! I stole that from somewhere but I really like saying it.
Look, That man had a problem and it was not you. He has self esteem issues that he needs to deal with. I am proud of your co-workers who shunned him a bit afterward. I am surprised and in awe of you that you had enough self control not to push him off a cliff. I knew you were going away for a few days to work and that was hard enough with trying to choose healthy food choices.
I say well done and the kids were another matter all together. So all in all you are overwhelmed with emotions and being tired from travel.
In a day or two you will regain your perspective and feel better and well rested. Really nice rant not even any swear words!

lottee1000

He sounds like a *kitten*!! Just think how unhappy he must really be if he gets his kicks from being cruel about other people. And, think about how amazing it'll be when you've met your goals and are super skinny and mock him!! (ok joking really)

natajane

Thanks ladies for your kindness, you really cheered me up!

Yeah it was an emotional couple of days thinking about it - highs, lows, tears, laughter, silly bits, serious bits. It was quite active as well, and I've not seen my husband yet as he's been away too so I'm missing him.

It was very tempting to push him in the lake, lol. If I wasn't in a work situation I'd have probably had it out with him. But like you say froglegjack in the back of my mind I was aware he was probably pushing his own insecurities onto me.

I am feeling in a much better frame of mind today though - I've started my healthy eating again this morning (my energy is much more balanced) and you know what, there are many other worse things I could be other than fat!

I confided in a friend this morning and she gave me a hug and said 'you can lose weight easily if you concentrate on your meals, but he can't shed his attitude problem in the same way. I'd rather be fat than be a massive d*ckhead.....'.

She made me laugh. We have another meeting in October, and I'll be well on my way to meeting my goal by that point, so I can't wait to rub it in Lottee!

Thanks for the therapy ladies, i feel so much better now I've talked about it even if it was a bit trivial.

x