I seriously hate myself!!!

grits317

Why do I not love myself or respect myself enough to be good to my body? I've been online tonight searching for drugs not even caring what 3rd world country they come from out of desperation to lose weight. I love my kids, husband, job and everything else in life, but I hate that I can't control myself and stay committed to exercise and healthy eating. I even drink way more than I ever thought of doing!!! Back in my Weight Watcher days (in my 20s, no kids and husband was just a boyfriend), I wouldn't have been caught dead drinking my points (now calories). Now I find when I actually do account for my food/drink consumption, I that I actually will have less than a hunderd calories for dinner so that I can spend the rest on alchohol. I want to feel good in my skin and feel healthy but putting forth the effort is so daunting....I stress when I just think about preparing foods and God knows the food bill will be through the roof! I'm just depressed as crap right now and wish I could get out of this funk that I've been in for the last 8 or so years. If my insurance covered lap-band, I'd probably look into that, but it won't.

MayMaydoesntrun

I'm sorry you are so down! Been there, promise. I don't know what else to say. Friend me if you'd like, I'll be there.

makmyra

I kinda share the same issues with u...friend me if u like...i'll be there for u! :flowerforyou:

aria21

I think we all sort of know how you feel. Exercising and trying to eat right isn't an enjoyable hobby to take up. But you have to keep in mind that as much as you hate it, the happiness of weighing less (or whatever your goal is) will make you much happier! it will out way the bad! you will be able to wear what you what, and feel great in your own skin! another thing i tell myself is to be thankful that i can change the things i don't like about myself. Some people can't change things, like how short or tall they are. But i CAN change how much I way. You just have to decide how much you want it-- once you get determined, nothing will be able to stop you! Just know that we ALL feel this way. You're not alone

roylawrence87

No hate needed! It takes some getting use to but it's time for a lifestyle change! Time to rid of the alcohol or at least cut back. Take up a new hobby like walking or running. By new running shoes! A journey starts with one step.

Missevanston

Take some deep breaths and think about the fact that you do have children. You must be strong and there for them. You may need some help deciding how to proceed...so feel free to friend me...

shirlpapaian

Oh my gosh, you are SO beautiful! Small baby steps are what you need. Get it out of your head that this will happen overnight. One day at a time. Commit to adding a step each day. Maybe tomorrow eat a healthy breakfast, the next day drink 64 oz of water, the next day no alcohol, the next 8 hours of sleep, the next eat 6 times throughout the day etc. Instead of trying to lose weight, try to live healthy and work on figuring out why you are so unhappy. Once you do these things the weight will start coming off with hardly trying. You need to get to the root of the problem before it can be fixed.

l3ugjuice

As someone who has had a history of depression and substance abuse (15 years sober as a broke **** dog)...those may be the cause of your lack of willpower rather than the result of it.

I have no idea how much alcohol you drink, and I certainly do not mean anything by these statements. I dont know if this is your problem, or not. You know how much you drink, I dont. I'd just recommend you think about it honestly, and speak to your doctor about your depression. For many alcoholics, my own past included, alcohol is a form of self medication that is very counter productive.

kristarablue

First of all I sepect that you adore your children and husband and since they are an extenuation of yourself, you must love some part of yourself, lets focus on that for right now. The more we focus on the negative the worse the cycle is, the more depressed and self-loathing we have, then we do distructive things to ourself in order to kill the pain of our negativity and the cycle repeats over and over.

I am sure you are aware, but alchol is a depressent and it can actually effect you mood for days after consumption which also leads to a cycle. If you are indeed depressed, I would talk to your physician and cut out alchol completly as it is exasperating your depression. I could give you a list of issues alchol can cause, but I refuse to lectrure you, you need to do what you know is right in this cercomstance.

Now beyond the alchol. I think the biggest problem most people have with weight loss regims is that they take on everything at once and try to change everything, it is like steping into a cold shower and each drop of water feels as if it is cutting into your skin and the first instinct is to jump back out. "Dieting" can be much of the same, if we try everything, we want to jump back into our comfort zone.

May I suggest you change one thing at a time and force yourself not to change anything else at that moment. For instance, maybe you want to cut alchol out completly, do that for a couple weeks, when you become aclimated to that, add in the elimination of sweets then soda...ect...ect...ect. Please trust yourself that you can do this, that your children are worth it (although I advocate doing it only for yourself, if you adore your childen and practice self-loathing, lets do it for people that matter). Stay on MFP to gather encouragement and support. There are the most supportive people I have ever had the pleasure of coming in contact with on MFP. Use this to your advantage.

HollyTsiaussis

I'm only sixteen years old, but I hope you listen to this. You need to stop drinking. My father was an alcoholic for twenty-five years. What caused him to put down the bottle was liver failure. He almost died. Don't get into the habit of drinking. It truly isn't worth it. If you love your husband and your children, you will stop. You only have sixty-eight pounds left to go. I wish I had only that much. Be grateful that you are alive, quit drinking, and eat healthier/exercise. It's as simple as that. Stop while you can; don't let this turn into an addiction.

ItsTerriC

I can relate so easily to how you feel. You are battling depression. Sure, you keep all the balls in the air. You still go to work, take care of everyone and even laugh and seem happy. That's all outside stuff. The stuff you have to do. The stuff you even love to do. Inside is a whole different story. There aren't really words to describe the heaviness and hopelessness. I battle the same thing every day. It isn't about the weight. That's a symptom, not the cause. The same with the alcohol. That certainly doesn't help. I know. So does my liver, according to my doctor. I'm working on cutting back on the alcohol - none since Saturday. That's a record for me. The only words of advice I can offer is that you just have to do it anyway. Just like you go ahead and do what every one else needs. Treat yourself the same way. Don't wait until you feel like it. Just do it. Make healthier choices. So, you don't want to cook. Order salads and grilled chicken most of the time. You don't want to exercise? So what. Do it anyway. Will you feel any better? Maybe, maybe not. Will you feel worse? I doubt it. If you're going to feel like crap anyway, feel like crap after you've done the right things. Who knows, little by little you might even start to feel better. At least I hope so. For you and for me.

FitJoani

Friend me...I have been there. I have felt the doomed feeling that I was destined to be unhealthy forever and then I started working out..as much as I could handle at first, and started eating cleanly..then once all the crap ran out of my body and I increased my working out..I felt amazing and light was at the end of the tunnel. If it helps sign up for a race even if it is a 1 mile fun walk. preferably for charity. It will give you something to work towards and look forward too. Plus the commaraderie of fellow walkers/runners WILL INSPIRE YOU:flowerforyou:

grits317

Holly, thank you so much for your sweet post and for sharing your painful experience in hopes that it would help me. I will certainly make "no alcohol" as my first step in a healthier me.

hazelnutflav

im sorry that you are feeling down right now, but you need to get off of your pitty pot, put down that drink and be a shinning example for your children, weather you realize it or not "MOM CAN DO NO WRONG" in the eyes of your children,so if for no one else do it for them!!!

one day at at time, one step at a time but do it for them.

children will always do what you do, and very rarely do what you say, so be aware that they are watching you, where are they right now, have you locked yourself in your room or den just to get online and vent about your depression, we all have had those days and believe me it wont get better if you dont seek help, treatment or friends, so make me a friend if you like but you have got to change your attitude it is the strongest form of motivation any human has, YOU have to be the one to drive this thing, so put on your big girl panties, put down that drink, dry your eyes and SHUT UP AND DRIVE!!!.

gatorgirl7

I understand how you feel. Every day is a battle, a struggle, and a choice. I think it comes down to choosing that you are worth it. That you deserve it. That you CAN do it.

And yes--the food bill will be higher--but here is how I think about it--if I eat all of the food I prepare (or freeze it) it doesn't go to waste and it was worth it, because it is nourishing and fueling my body, allowing me to live longer and healthier. (Also, where I live, we have farmer's markets that are much cheaper than your regular grocery store--you may want to check out something like that.)

You need to take a second to breathe and focus and get your head on straight (easier said than done, I know.) Then put one foot in front of the other, and start with baby steps. Maybe you walk a little more so you can have a cocktail with dinner. It's a balance--and everyone's is different. Find yours.

GOOD LUCK!