How Do I support friends with Eating Disorders?

Lizzy_Sunflower

I love all my friends !!

And with all this talk about ED I have come to realize that some of my friends suffer EDs (and IMO we ALL suffer ED to a certain extent. I mean they run the spectrum)

Some of my friends are identified ED but I think some may either be at risk or just Don't know they have ED.
I worry about saying the Wrong thing! I mean I don't want to tell someone they aren't eating enough or to not be so cruel to themselves Even if that is exactly what I am thinking.

So, how do I encourage friends, without putting my foot in my mouth, and without just Blatantly ignoring their posts.

(sorry if this subject has already been discussed, I don't have time to go back through the boards)
Thanks Everyone for your reply
:flowerforyou:

DancinSMartiPants

I struggle with the same thing. I even have heldback from telling my friends with diagnosed ED that I've decided to lose weight. I'm curious to see what people here will say,

kimmerroze

Kinda got to put it this way...


If you had an over weight friend would you even consider telling them that they are eating too much? or that they need to work out and get healthy?

If not then you probably shouldn't tell your skinny friend who needs to eat more that she needs to eat more...

If you are willing to tell either side of the spectrum that you are concerned about there wellbeing and that you want them around for a long time, then you can certainly do that.

Although, because I am guessing, you don't have psychology degree, it is going to be hard for you to help them with their problems considering that their problem stems deeper than just what they are putting in thier mouth.

My best bet would be for you to just be a good friend, a good example of health and fitness and share healthy recipes with them, invite them out for exercise with you, etc. Because chances are, they aren't going to change until they are darn ready and willing to change.

cem2168

The most you can do for them is support them with encouraging words. The root of eating disorders are much deeper than just the desire to be "skinny". A lot of times eating disorders are about having "control" in an otherwise frazzled life, or are a negative way of coping with other things (like cutters use self harm to cope with unhappiness). As someone with an eating disorder, what I find is most helpful is not when people say things like "you know, you NEED to eat more" but more so things on the lines of "keep strong, you can do it, maybe add some extra protein in tomorrow" or ask how their day was. A lot of times, symptoms of my ED come out most when I am under the most stress. What someone with an ED needs is a friend and emotional support to help them. Its very hard to help someone with an eating disorder many times because the food isn't necessarily the main "issue" at hand...its something deeper that you may not necessarily be able to help them with. Just encouraging them to "de-stress" and relax and be calm and get help is the most that you can really do.

GreatSetOfBrains

I was hoping I would not be the first to post a reply on this very sensitive topic. How do I say this nicely. Eating Disorders are DANGEROUS! Eating too much, as we all know, causes weight and a whole load of extra problems. On the other hand, the eating disorders that are ever more dangerous need to be addressed! Women and men who don't eat can end up dieing! I don't know the situation. I don't know how bad it is or your relationship to her but I would say tell her you are worried about her health. Invite her to cook with you maybe. I don't know how to be honest without being somewhat blunt. Are there family members that might be able to help you talk to her, a boyfriend. . . I wish I could help, Good Luck!

VeganInTraining

I don't know that my advice is "right" but I tend to not hold back. I say what I'm thinking but I say it tactfully. Regardless of if your comment makes a difference, at least your friend will know that you care. I especially work on telling these friends that they are beautiful just the way they are. There is nothing wrong with telling you friend they need to gain a few pounds and that their weight loss is not a healthy way of going about things. On the same tokin there is nothing wrong with telling someone that perhaps they are an overeater/have a food addiction. How sad would it be for someone not to even know that there are resources like OA (over eaters anonymous) out there but to feel like they have a food addiction.
Let's put it this way. I am an alcoholic, when I was an active alcoholic a few people noticed and told me I need to cut back but I disregarded it. But after enough of my friends said "Em you need help." I finally got help and I'm very glad I did. I dunno if that helps but I hope it did

LorinaLynn

Lizzy, you're a mind reader. I asked the same question in thread that was closed yesterday.

My question was on page 5, but the answers start on page 6: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/253806-who-is-mfp-for?page=6

My heart aches for people who think that being thin will make things better. And I know it's about controlling some aspect of their lives. So maybe the thing is to encourage taking control in healthier ways... like training for a 5k, or taking a self-defense course, even taking up painting or a musical instrument, or volunteering at an animal shelter. Something where the focus is somewhere else.

I don't believe I've ever had a real eating disorder, but there's been times when I had depression that I either didn't eat, or overate. There's been times when I wanted to lose weight that I didn't eat nearly enough, too. This time around, I know I wouldn't have stuck with my plan if it had just been about losing weight. Instead, I focused on getting stronger. At first, it was just training for the Warrior Dash, but now I'm hooked on running. And I like seeing muscles starting to pop out on my arms and legs, and feeling obliques on my sides instead of ribs (when I was skinny) or muffin top (when I wasn't). And I'm happy! :happy: I'm still someone who suffers from depression, but I feel wonderful, and I know I wouldn't feel this way or have the strength I have now, if I wasn't eating well.

So even though I don't know what to say to someone all the time, I figure I can at least "lead by example." I'm someone who has problems and has had some traumatic things happen in the last few years. I'm someone who's had insecurities and self-esteem issues. But I'm also someone who's having a fantastic time (just look at my photos!), feels great, and is strong and healthy.

tmacs

I'm not shy, I will come right out and tell them that they are not eating enough or that I hope they're taking vitamins due to total lack of nutrition! I guess my friends know me enough not to be offended (at least I think). I think it's more important for me to speak up whether they listen or not. Good post!

DarkAngel864

My biggest suggestions would be:

1. Don't be shy. Ask them how they would be most comfortable being supported. Some are dying to talk with no one to listen, while some may be just to divulge certain things until there is a trust built.

2. ED friendships aren't for the queasy/short-term. There is tough stuff to starvation, binging, purging, body dismorphics, etc. If you are there to support a friend, just know there will be things that are probably out of your comfort level to hear. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you're unsure what they're referring to.

3. Balance! It's a tricky thing to support yet not condone. You have a right to your opinion and to voice it to someone you care about. On the flip side, if they are ED, they know it, and may need you to just listen and be patient with them instead of lecturing or trying to 'fix' them.

You my Lizzy, are a wonderful person and friend. It is a very brave and selfless thing to take on friendships that can be tough, and I'm lucky I have you as my friend!

time2runnn

This is a very delicate thing no doubt. I am NO expert (and even with my BA in psychology I'm not a counselor) I would not ever claim to totally understand nor know exactly what to do for sure. Ok, with that said....As others have noted eating disorders usually lie much deeper than food itself and could be seen as their way of "coping" during a difficult time in their life. From my personal experience, what I would do is do my very best to point out their strengths. "Oh I really like the variety of fruits or veggies you've had today" or "Way to go on the protein"... If you can't find something positive to honestly say and feel extremely worried, in private, because you are their loving friend, simply ask how are they are doing and that you are happy to lend an ear anytime. Let them know want to make sure they are okay because they mean so much to you.

As sad as it is, other than being there for them there is not much more you can do. However, if you are involved with this person in day to day life, you could certainly share concerns with others close to them and see if they may consider counseling. But be patient and do know even the best intentions can go awry, and that does NOT make you any less of an amazing friend