What do you do when your spouse is not supportive?

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  • charliebird
    charliebird Posts: 168 Member
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    Its a tricky one - but just keep reminding yourself who you're doing this for. Its not him! Its YOU!

    Use this site as your support .

    If he says something sarcastic or "*****y" just smile - waggle your Butt in front of him and say "but think of what this would look like with some pounds off - wouldn't you like to get your hands on that??!!" or something. Don't let him see that his comments are getting to you.

    Come on here and vent!!!!
  • clash98
    clash98 Posts: 32 Member
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    I'M IN THE SAME SITUATION :( MY HUSBAND MAKES SNIDE COMMENTS ALL THE TIME AND ITS ALL I CAN DO TO IGNORE HIM AND STAY FOCUSED ON WHATS BEST FOR ME AND MY KIDS. I USE EVERYONE ON MFP, PRAYER AND MY BEST FRIEND AS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM. IT'S NOT EASY BUT YOU CAN DO IT..GOOD LUCK SWEETIE !!!
  • charliebird
    charliebird Posts: 168 Member
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    I would encourage you to say very little about your plans- and what your goals are- and just let the results speak for themselves. I wouldn't categorize my hubby as being not supportive- but apathetic- OH YEAH... comes from years of hearing me do a LOT of talking and little action...I get the "yeah yeah, heard that before..."
    so when I started on this journey, I decided to do it "in secret" per se. Obviously he noticed at dinner time, just said I am watching what I'm eating and didn't get into a discussion about it.
    He watched me go for walks after dinner, and after about 2 weeks, got a little curious. Just matter-of-factly said I'm taking control of my health, that's all.
    10 weeks into this and he's starting to ask questions. He's been trying my low cal snacks- and I've been sharing them. I'm now sharing what I'm learning about food choices and he's starting to make positive comments.

    I am sorry this is happening to you- and I really hope things change for you. It's really hard, but please don't let it discourage you from doing what you NEED to do for your own health.
    I just would encourage you to say little, and just keep your eyes on your goals.

    I'd love to cheer you on- feel free to add me to your list of friends if you wish.
    :smile:

    This is exactly what has happened to me! Now my other half has joined! Because he's seen the results and he's feeling left out!
  • alex063287
    alex063287 Posts: 61 Member
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    I have family that are not supportive at times as well. It does make it difficult at times but I work around it. That's what makes me stronger. That's why I have all of you to support me. I go on here knowing people will support me because on here everyone wants to lose weight.
  • mustangmags
    mustangmags Posts: 2
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    It can be pretty difficult to argue and question good rationale and cold, hard facts. My I suggest you start with making him aware of the reasons why you are doing what you are doing. I am going to take a wild guess but I am sure your reasons for doing it are health and wellness reasons. Ie. you want to feel better, look better, live longer for yourself, for you kids, family, etc. You can't argue that.

    Secondly, I would then give him one or two eye dropping facts about where his life, your life might be headed if you continue on this path of not so healthy eating habits.

    You could give him the COLD, hard facts. People who live a healthy lifestyle that includes a balance of exercise, proper diet live a happier, longer life. Secondly, you could live a really good life and eat pretty much most of the same stuff on a diet. You just need to watch portions, calories and mix in some exercise. It is that easy.

    Then you ask him for this support. Say it in a calm, rationale way that he would feel like a total idiot if he didn't apologize and say YES, I will support you 100%.

    Then invite him to join you or issue him a challenge. He may say no, but you've planted the seed....he'll need to come to the same realization that you did before he starts on the road to a healthy life style. If he says yes, get going set each of your targets and track in on this program, cheer each other on and away you go.

    If this sounds like total nonsense...don't try it. All I could say is keep motivating yourself, set your targets and hang around family, friends and co-workers who support everything you do.

    Keep on Rocking!

    Michael

    I think this calls for a good old fashion challenge.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    Girl stand up for yourself and go "***** mode" and let him have it next time he does it. That is unacceptable behavior for him. Tell him to take his insecurities and chew on it himself. Not cool at all.
  • BigBoneSista
    BigBoneSista Posts: 2,389 Member
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    My advice is to not say nothing. My guess is that you have spoken to him in the past and it hasn't changed a thing. You have to now rely on yourself for your man support and motivation period. You have to find that inner strength to take on all the snide remarks and brush them off like dust. I know its easier said than done. I know this. You will have to work at this everyday. Come on this site to for extra support. Find a local weight loss group in your area for some additional support. Remember those that are closes to us can hurt us the most but how long do you think he will keep at it as long as you ignore it? A week...two weeks...a month? You know how our mother's use to tell us to ignore the bully because he will eventually get bored...never let them see you sweat....well when he starts up sing your favorite song in your head...put a little smile on your face and remember why you are doing this...its for you. Not him. Don't let him see you upset because then he knows he is in your head. Find ways to ignore him without letting him know what you are doing. When he says something change the subject. Him: Oh you are counting the shredded wheats again? You: Oh shoot I forgot to call *insert name* yesterday? Gotta make sure I do that today. So are you doing to do *insert something here* today?

    This is just a tactic that I've learned over the years because I have some arguementive people in my family. Instead of entertaining them I just brush it off. Its taken some time to learn but its effective.
  • alifer
    alifer Posts: 387 Member
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    My husband is not supportive either. He insists on keeping chips and such in the house, and gets irritated when I go to the gym. He can do this with me if he wants, but I really don't care. I keep hoping that as he sees me get more fit and less fat he might decided to join me in this battle, but if not that is his choice. For me the motivation and support from my friends on MFP and a couple of co-workers helps keep my going. I know my husband knows what he should do, but isn't ready or willing to do anything about it yet. Best wishes!
  • mrmarius
    mrmarius Posts: 1,802 Member
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    as im in a similiar situation id say the best thing to do is lead by example. I know its counter intuitive but dont expect support from your spouse in this. Alot of times when others have not changed their mindset about something its hard for them to understand and they resist change. But you keep pushing and making changes and after while he will come on board. My wife is same wah doesnt help me at all doesnt get my addiction to working out but i keep going and slowly shes coming this way :)
  • CorydonCutie
    CorydonCutie Posts: 185 Member
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    I have read every response to this thread, and I am shocked at how many of you are not supported by your husband and family. My heart really breaks for you. I have a wonderful husband who is my biggest cheerleader. He checks with me often to see what weight I'm currently at, often texts me just to say how proud he is of me for making a healthy choice for me and our family, and is just all around my biggest fan.

    One thing I think you are going to have to do is something I did for a very different reason. I wrote a letter (because I am much better with writing than talking) explaining to my husband and 3 children WHY I was making these changes, WHY I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle and how much they meant to me. I focused on the positive trait of each of my children...who I have had the biggest trouble getting on board with this and asked them to join me on this journey. With them being kids they really didn't have a choice, but they didn't know that.

    Here is an excerpt of the letter:
    "It is no secret that I have drastically changed the way I have been eating and preparing our meals. This goes way beyond food. I consider everything I put in my mouth whether it is food or drink. I did this because I love each and every one of you so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving any of you earlier than God needs me due to my unhealthy style of living. Kyle, I want to be your wife for a very long time. I want us to be that little old couple that still holds hands and sits outside on nice days in a rocker enjoying the weather and waving to people who pass by. Emily, Jonathan & Jesse, I want to be your mom, and enjoy what childhood you have left. I want to be that energetic mom that can keep up with you and have a lot of fun with you. I want to be around until you are parents of your own children, and be that grandma that does cool things with their grandkids. I want to sit in a rocker and rock my grandbabies because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to because I have lived such an unhealthy lifestyle. "

    I think this really comes down to how bad you want this. If you want it bad enough there is nothing and no one in this world that can stop you. Yes, it would be better with the support of your husband and family, and you CAN do this without them. You have an awesome support system here that you can use. In the words of my therapist, "People can feed you poision on a paper plate...it doesn't mean you have to eat it. And please, for the sake of your own sanity, stop going to the desert for a drink of water." Basically if you are thirsty for water, go to where you know there is a teeming stream, not the to the middle of the Saharah. Take back your power and control. I have all the confidence in the world that you can do this!!!

    Good luck and huggs
  • dawnw30
    dawnw30 Posts: 270
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    I feel your pain. My hubby is a jerk. He is constantly making fun of me when I work out and making negative comments about my "diet". He even told me I couldn't do it so I should just quit. You know what? I have taken all that crap and stored it in my mind. Whenever I am doing a workout and it is kicking my butt and I feel like quitting I pull out all of his negative comments and they make me mad - and it gives me the extra oomph I need to finish! I don't need his permission to do this and I am not forcing anything on him or my kids...this is for me. So I am going to keep going no matter what he says or does. You go girl and you just store or ignore the negative!!! Good luck on your journey!! Feel free to add me!! The only support I get is from my MFP friends and it makes a huge difference to have someone be positive about what you're doing!! :flowerforyou:
  • dia77
    dia77 Posts: 410 Member
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    In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".

    I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...

    I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?

    Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.

    ignore him and do your thing. My husband is the same . I cook separate food for him because he want's the fat and the meat:) As a result he looks like he is pregnant .
    I tried to explain way I want to lose weight but he had the same reaction like your husband. Well , I lose weight and if he doesn't want to be supportive ,I really don't care . I stick with my thing regardless all the comments from him and my friends. I focus on what I want and I choose to ignore the fact that he is not supportive . I got it . He doesn't understand this. That doesn't stop me though..
    And you know what? By the end of this summer I am going to look spectacular!
  • dia77
    dia77 Posts: 410 Member
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    In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".

    I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...

    I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?

    Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.

    ignore him and do your thing. My husband is the same . I cook separate food for him because he want's the fat and the meat:) As a result he looks like he is pregnant .
    I tried to explain way I want to lose weight but he had the same reaction like your husband. Well , I lose weight and if he doesn't want to be supportive ,I really don't care . I stick with my thing regardless all the comments from him and my friends. I focus on what I want and I choose to ignore the fact that he is not supportive . I got it . He doesn't understand this. That doesn't stop me though..
    And you know what? By the end of this summer I am going to look spectacular!
    ignore him and do your thing. My husband is the same . I cook separate food for him because he want's the fat and the meat:) As a result he looks like he is pregnant .
    I tried to explain way I want to lose weight but he had the same reaction like your husband. Well , I lose weight and if he doesn't want to be supportive ,I really don't care . I stick with my thing regardless all the comments from him and my friends. I focus on what I want and I choose to ignore the fact that he is not supportive . I got it . He doesn't understand this. That doesn't stop me though..
    And you know what? By the end of this summer I am going to look spectacular!
  • skinnymeinaz
    skinnymeinaz Posts: 384 Member
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    It is hard but you have to remember that this is for you and your health (or other reasons). I found having a support system is very helpful and my biggest support comes from my sisters who are over 2,000 miles away and my mfp friends! So use us as a support system and get on here anytime you need us!!!! !:flowerforyou:
  • Maureen_R
    Maureen_R Posts: 7
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    first let me say congrats for taking the first step into making life changes. you came to a great place for support.

    I've been on mfp since march 1st and have lost 29 pounds with great support from people on this site. I must say I'm luck as my husband is very supportive as I've never dieted before in my life. Gaining 100 plus pounds since we got married has been very hard on me. however when I said i was making a change he was all for supporting me.

    Keep up the hard work and you can do it. Feel free to add me
  • irishblonde2011
    irishblonde2011 Posts: 618 Member
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    I honestly cant believe there are so many people out there who partners do not support them.
    All i can say is do what is best for you. The letter is a GREAT idea.

    Hugs xxxx
  • brityn
    brityn Posts: 443 Member
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    Its a tricky one - but just keep reminding yourself who you're doing this for. Its not him! Its YOU!

    Use this site as your support .

    If he says something sarcastic or "*****y" just smile - waggle your Butt in front of him and say "but think of what this would look like with some pounds off - wouldn't you like to get your hands on that??!!" or something. Don't let him see that his comments are getting to you.

    Come on here and vent!!!!


    This is great advice that works!! I recently hit one of my mini weight loss goals and pulled out some lingerie that I haven't worn in a while. My husband is now on the band wagon with me and is down 18 lbs in 5 weeks :) I just keep telling him itll only get better

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