Rocky Marriage Vs. Stress Eating

j_fattler

Hi guys!
I am coming to my "MFP FAMILY" for support/advice. I would not say that I have a "bad" marriage, but it's rocky. We have been married 8 years and have 2 kids. He is a nice enough guy, but @ 37, he still hasn't made a decision to "grow up." (I'm only 29) He is totally unmotivated- unemployed, doesnt' help (much) around the house, we butt heads about parenting all the time (disciplining the children -he threatens endlessly w/out action - which leaves me being the "bad guy" all the time). I am only working a part-time job & we are trying to survive on my minimal income alone. The financial stress alone is hard enough. I am solely responsible for paying the bills, keeping the accts current, etc. I am currently looking for a 2nd job - but wonder about the repercussions of not being with my kids much - as far as not wanting to see them turn into total brats when they figure out they can get away with doing "whatever they want."
This week, I will be working, coming home to mow grass (push mow 3.5 acres), cook dinner, clean house, do laundry, bath/bed kids, and standing in line @ 2 food give-a-ways because after paying the bills, I am left with $40 for 2 weeks to get by...all while he does next to nothing to help....stress much? uh yeah!

anyhow...MFP is for being healthy - and under all the stress, I tend to stress eat - either I don't eat much at all, or I "graze" at whatever comfort foods/junk foods I find. Can anyone give me suggestions for things to do to distract myself from the bad eating habits I revert to when stressed?

And as far as my husband is concerned, I am not ready to divorce him yet - cuz I know that will be suggested...my heart isn't quite ready to give up on what I know can be better in our marriage...

hoosiermama1977

Wow - I could have wrote this!! I am 34 and my husband is 44. We do love each other, I do not consider divorce, but I am pretty darn unhappy and talking about it, nagging, yelling, making deals, begging and pleading have all not worked. I feel like I'm holding things together all by myself with no support at all and when I feel like it's hopeless I tend to turn to food. I am working so hard on it - on realizing that will NOT make anything better. It won't make my husband help around the house, it won't make him actually pick up our 4 year old and put him in time out rather then sitting there yelling back and fourth at each other, it won't make him more affectionate and it won't pay our bills. It will make me feel weak and further damage my self-esteem. I've made up my mind very recently that I'm just going to have to start being more selfish and it's hard when you have two children - ONE of you have to do the parenting if both wont'...I feel for you. Wish I had some words of wisdom but I am looking for them myself! And for the record I have threatened divorce and even called a lawyer once, but deep in my heart I'm just not ready to leave...I'm just not. (We've been married 7 years)

rockinbettygrl

Don't keep any junk in the house at all! Let the kids snack on apples, carrots, cheese, dried fruit ect.... If he wants something let him find some money to go get it himself. If it's not around, you wont be tempted. This is what I do. When I want to give my kids a treat I take them out to icecream or buy them a small treat at the gas station, that way I am only buying 1 serving and it is not going to sit in my pantry and taunt me. Also, every time you want to eat junk think of how hot you're gonna be after you've lost all this weight and then you can " drop the zero and get with a hero!" with all your newfound hottness and confidence!! Good luck girl! You can make it!

iKchuuuu

Just read this, and i find it heartbreaking. If i were in your shoes, personally, I would tell your husband he needs to help or get out!
Have you told him how you feel?! Cause having a good heart to heart and getting to the stage where you're telling him everything and you cry may be more cleansing for you then you think.
Having a good ol' cry is a great stress reliever!
And just remind your husband what a marriage is about.
Maybe he needs to be re-told, re-told his vows and how he needs to help you or he'll loose you.

And.
Have you ever thought of investing into a punch bag!
They're great if you stress is anger, when you want to eat something, go punch the living daylights out of this punchbag, you feel good, it doesn't hurt anyone and its an exercise all in one.

Good luck! x

haulinbuns

I agree don't keep it on hand. It's so much harder when it's on hand. Good luck

maddymama

Is he trying to find a job?
When DH was out of a job for a bit (a few months) his job became twofold, a)finding a new job and b) caring for the house- inside and out. I was responsible for working and bringing in the money. Your DH NEEDS to help out- no ifs and or buts. He needs to get the food, cook, clean, mow, and look for a job.
That way, when you are home, you can focus on being present with your children.
If he won't pull his fair weight, don't pull it for him.

hyper_stitch

So sorry to hear you're under such stress. I respect your decision to stay with your marriage but please don't lose yourself in this situation. My ex and I are great friends, we have a 6 year old together but he sounds just like your husband and after 6 years I wasn't prepared to be devalued any longer, that was over 2 years ago and now my daughter and I have a much happier life for my decision to leave.

I think you'e had some good suggestions, the punch bag in particular lol

Plan for your stress, shop well and choose stuff to graze/stress eat on in advance.

Stay strong x

silveryflutterby

I, too, have a problem with stress eating and know how hard it is. The easiest way to overcome it really is to keep anything that you tend to overeat out of the house. With that being said, I do realize that since you are getting donated food, you don't really have a say in what you receive and probably can't afford to throw out any food at this point. So, that will make it more difficult, but you can still control it. For me, whenever I stress eat, I end up feeling worse after eating than I did before! It's a vicious cycle because then I stress about the fact that I went over and I feel like it's hopeless and I might as well just keep eating because I already ruined the day. But I have decided that it just isn't worth it. I am learning to control it by reminding myself why I am doing this. I feel so great after exercising, eating healthy and meeting my goals for the day. I feel awful after binging. So I'm trying to make sure to do other productive things when I am stressed. The thing that has finally made a break-through for me this month (finally) is that I realized there are many things in my life that cause me stress that I truly can't control...but my weight loss is one thing I CAN control. It is solely on me and yours is on you. You cannot control your husband or your kids, or even you financial situation always, but you do have full control of how much exercise you do, or how many calories you put in your mouth. All you have to do is say, I am not going to eat this stuff...I don't need it, I'm not eating because I'm hungry, I'm going to do some laundry instead, or workout, or play with my kids. It's so much easier said than done, I know...but it's all about the mindset. No one can make you do it. You have to decide that it's what you truly want, remember the reasons why you want to do it, and do it. I still struggle and cave once in a while and I don't think anyone is perfect, but the key is that you realize what you are doing and stop. Don't feel like you failed so you might as well keep going. Say you slipped and nip it in the bud. Don't let it continue the rest of the day or the rest of the week. Have that snack/junk food and then move on and make better choices. Hope this helps a little. I have been where you have been...unhappy with the marriage, but you love them and want to stay committed and try to make it better. it's hard, but it can be done. I know from personal experience...it's not easy. I hope things get better for you!

TourThePast

By trying to learn how to control stress eating, you're trying to treat the symptom without sorting out the cause. You're enabling the situation to continue.

You NEED to sort your husband out. You NEED to reduce the stress in your life.

Thinking of getting a SECOND job? Just stop and listen to yourself for a minute!

No you might not be ready to leave him, but if you're left with all the burdens and all the stress, you're likely to leave him through no choice of your own, through ill health or worse.

You know what I suggest? Tell him bluntly that he is not being fair to you or the children and that you have had enough of his childish behaviour. Before you go to work tomorrow, give him a couple of things to do (eg mow the lawn) and tell him that he can either get off his sorry *kitten* and do them or get out, because you've had enough.

Better still, suggest he goes and stays with a friend for a couple of weeks, and thinks about whether he's being reasonable. You won't notice the difference, except you won't have the stress of dealing with him as well. It sounds like he's contributing nothing to the household or your life.

Don't you DARE mow that grass!!!
Don't you DARE cook him food if he's been sat on his *kitten* all day!!
Don't you DARE wash or iron his clothes!!

Time for him to grow up. And time for you to stop enabling him to be so lazy.

Sorry, but I've seen this "immature boy" behaviour so often, I see it as a form of abuse towards you and the children.

EDITED TO ADD: And yes I've been in this situation, though not as bad as you, but yes I got him up off his lazy immature butt. He told me a long time afterwards that when he lost his job he really felt unfocussed and didn't really have any shape to his day any more, and that me saying "Right, I'm going to work, I need you to do X today" helped him get motivated.

P.S. If you're showing every sign of coping, he has no incentive to take action. Does he know just how this is affecting you? Let him know that you're at the end of your tether and he stands to lose everything. Including his slave. Even if you have no intention of actually kicking him out, he needs to realise that it's a possibility.

P.P.S. To the lady who suggested a punchbag, maybe... No, that would be immature and deeply wrong. :bigsmile:

zumbasalsera

I agree with the poster who mentioned enabling his behavior. I too have been guilty of this with my husband and it was just recently in talking with a chaplain that I came to really be aware of it. It doesn't sound like you have the means financially, but if there is anyway for you two to get some marriage counseling I would suggest it (perhaps it might help)...even maybe your pastor or church group may have something that can help and is free or cheap. Another suggestion might be reading a book on healing a marriage (I just read "Desperate Marriages" by Gary Chapman). If you can't afford to buy a book, perhaps you could try looking on freecycle.org and post a request for one. There are lots of options by lots of authors.

I am in no way trying to say I have the answers. My heart goes out to you. I am going through a very bad time in my marriage too and not sure if I'm going to leave him or not. I found out just two months ago that he has cheated on me with multiple partners since the very beginning of our relationship (been together 4yrs)...in fact, that is what caused me to drastically lose 10lbs in an unhealthy way, I lost my appetite, but I'm making lemonade from these lemons and have taken it as a motivation to become serious about my health. When those junk foods call your name, call a friend, go outside with your kid, or simply try to remind yourself that the food is not going to fill that hole inside you. Good luck to you!

j_fattler

thank you all for the advice & encouragement!! MFP is the best site on the web!

You have inspired me to quit being an enabler & start holding my head up high while my feet stay cemented to the ground! I don't know where things will go - but I know I'm not going ANYWHERE away from MFP !!

to all my "new friends" -- I am looking forward to the rest of this journey with you and applaud your successes!

rosieflo

Jaime...
I feel so badly that I missed this post. You are a strong, amazing woman. You are capable of anything you put your mind to. I have no idea how to motivate B into the man you need him to be...but this I DO know. YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF THE KING. You deserve to be loved, and cherished. I also know that I love you. And I want to support you anyway I can! Love, Sarah