Someone close destroying my confidence, the push I needed th

pyrowill

Felt totally broken last night from a comment from someone who I care a lot about, about my weight, sort of a I really like you and you are really handsome, but......
Oh well guess it was enough to knock me into action this morning. Just feel like all the confidence I've been trying to build up has gone!

JenKoz4

God, don't you just hate those off handed comments that aren't meant to hurt but still do? I'm sorry but hey you've made progress right? The way I look at it is you've taken steps in the right direction to improving your health and your body image, and for that you should be proud.

mzprettiekittie

I get this too, and it's awful. Your really good looking,, but.. if it wasnt for.. etc.

sometimes people can be thoughless, or careless on how they say what they're thinking, even if it wasn't ment to offend it still does, it's a compliment that they take back the instant they have said it

pyrowill

Oh yeh, and I don't hate her for it, nor do I want negative comments about her on here. It's true, and she wasn't saying anything I wasn't thinking about myself when I look in the mirror or anything. It's just when you start to try and feel comfortable around someone, especially someone you are sort of getting involved with it's nerve racking as it is, but then to have them say "yeah by the way". It's not nice!

pyrowill

It's just, you know, when one persons opinion of you is everything to you, and if they have their rose tinted spectacles on maybe the rest of the world can too.

Neliel

Hey! At least they said you were handsome! Definitely use this as motivation. As much as that comment bloody hurt. Although I don't think i'd be interested in them if I did lose a bit of chunk and then all of a sudden they DID find me more attractive. Can't be bothered with people who only look skin deep. Save your handsomeness AND fit body for someone who deserves it

av8rblond

Some smart person somewhere once said that other peoples comments impact us to the degree of our insecurities. If someone says that you drive like crap off handed just like it seems this female said her comment, if you don't really feel insecure about your driving, you are able to laugh it off and think nothing of it.
It sounds as though it was just one of those things that was said completely without malice but left a little shrapnel in you.
I am sorry, but maybe that is the kick in the *kitten* you needed?

yellowpear

I very well understand how you feel having experienced it myself. Since it comes from the mouth of someone you love dearly, it hurts even more. I have stopped thinking about what others think. Instead I concentrate on myself. I don't live for them. I know it's tough... But, I remind myself that I am losing weight so that I start looking good, feeling healthy & more confident... Be strong & tough in your heart. When they say that just smile & tell them that you are in the process of losing weight. But DON'T ever let their comment get to you.

pyrowill

I agree yellowpear, but it's hard not to let their comment 'get to you' when their opinion seems to be the only one you care about. ANyway, point taken on chin, using it for more self motivation. Job done I hope!

registers

Felt totally broken last night from a comment from someone who I care a lot about, about my weight, sort of a I really like you and you are really handsome, but......
Oh well guess it was enough to knock me into action this morning. Just feel like all the confidence I've been trying to build up has gone!

If this is a girl you like, it sounds like you do. Girls make decisions and say thing from an emotional perspective. Girls change emotions 1000 times per day. I studied a lot of female psychology, and I know women are going to hate me for saying this. But just ignore it. You can't give a woman an upper hand in this situation. Not talking about being mean or anything, I am talking about letting her control how you feel. ONce they sense they can control your emotions, you're out of the game.

It's very very simple, women want men, who are men, not men who act like women and get emotional. It's very much a status issue. The higher status you have, the more likely a woman will be in to you. Think about the animal kindom, which one gets the girl... the one who is in control. If the female controls him, he's out of the game.

You can rarely take what women say in situations like this at face value. Women are constantly testing men to see how vunerable he is, and the sad thing, women don't even know it. Most women will deny ALL THIS. You can't ask a woman for advice about women, they are women, most women don't even know what they want, they say they want one thing, and they really don't. They say "i want a nice and sweet and caring guy" you seem like that... does she want you off of that? answer is obvious.

I am not saying, be rude or disrespectful or any of that. The most important thing for a woman is respect, you have to respect her.

I know most woman will deny most of what I have said. Because they're not aware of it.

Flossycat100

Hey! At least they said you were handsome! Definitely use this as motivation. As much as that comment bloody hurt. Although I don't think i'd be interested in them if I did lose a bit of chunk and then all of a sudden they DID find me more attractive. Can't be bothered with people who only look skin deep. Save your handsomeness AND fit body for someone who deserves it

Totally agree!

pyrowill

asmcriminal, I think I'm going to duck out of the way of things being thrown at you on this one mate! Thanks all the same, I don't quite agree with anything you've said but I appreciate the effort.

helgamaria1

thank her for being honest and not giving you a false excuse for not wanting to go further with your relationship. This also means you can work on the things that are maybe holding you back in your personal life. It's all good that beauty comes from within and what matters the most is how we treat the people around us but the cold fact is that in the early stages before all the all good qualities start to matter the packaging has a big importance.

I had this problem with my boyfriend and I told him from the start that I thought he was too short, he kept at it for many months and never gave up and since he knew what the problem was on my side he could do all that was in his power to make up for what I didn't like in him. Many years later we have a beautiful son and a happy household, I don't care if he's short anymore, well maybe a little the very few times we go somewhere really fancy together and I wear sky high heels, but I always remind myself how wonderful he is and that makes me proud of him.. Don't make it all about you, even if it's hard because she has a right to not go out with you and she is nice giving you the real reason so you can assess the situation correctly. Good luck in all you take on and be the best YOU that you can be!!

pyrowill

Thank you

MrsMuffinRun

asmcriminal, I think I'm going to duck out of the way of things being thrown at you on this one mate! Thanks all the same, I don't quite agree with anything you've said but I appreciate the effort.

Oh I dunno, maybe you should listen to him. He sounds exactly what woment want ;-)



Like the other posters said, I think you have to get into the mindset that you are doing this for yourself, your health, your confidence etc and take your time with it. If you do it to please other people you will inevitably get disappointed.

pauljsolie

This is a difficult situation to access. I have also heard comments like that and I agree with those who say if that is what you think about me now, why would your opinion change after I lose weight. Then again it could just have been an awkward comment that she would like to be able to take back. Talk to her about it and if she persists in her views, find someone who respects you as a human being not just someone who will look good on her arm walking into a club.

I think it was Martin Luther King Jr. who once said "It's not important what people call you, it is what you answer to"'

pyrowill

Oh she does say more than anything that she wants me to to do it for me, she is actually incredibly supportive, she just says she doesn't want to live a lie to me that she would be happier if I was a slimmer. She freely admits she is shallow, but hey if we aren't attracted to that part of someone we can't help it.

As for the previous comments on is she worth it, she is amazing, despite her comment last night knocking me for six. But now this is food for thought, if down the line I did lose it and she suddenly found me more attractive, what does that say about her? What does it say about me?

pyrowill

Anyway I probably wouldn't be working out today if it wasn't for that comment so I suppose I should thank her

hush7hush

I know most woman will deny most of what I have said. Because they're not aware of it.

Now THAT is a sign of a man that doesn't know how to admit when he's wrong.

hstallings13

me, I would tell her the truth, it was a backhanded compliment. I use to do it all the time without thinking about it. My husband would point it out to me and I would aplogize, but it doesn't change the fact that I hurt his feelings. Tell her you are working on what you can for yourself and NOT for her and if she can't be supportive then she's not worth your time. There are some areas that should be off limits and even I don't go there. If she really cares for YOU and not just how you look then she needs to learn to be senstive about some areas, I mean she wouldn't want you making comments to her like that. Golden rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

registers

asmcriminal, I think I'm going to duck out of the way of things being thrown at you on this one mate! Thanks all the same, I don't quite agree with anything you've said but I appreciate the effort.

I don't blame you. I understand. A lot of people don't agree with science. It's fine. But honestly, focus on bettering yourself, and improving yourself, that's what really matters.

registers

Oh I dunno, maybe you should listen to him. He sounds exactly what woment want ;-)

Not every woman, but every woman I wanted... i pretty much had a good positive relationship with them. Trying to think of the women who I have been attracted to, but it lead to nothing... I guess it would be the woman i never approached. But honestly, Once I get to know them, I am really not interested anymore.

suzitkd

Sounds to me like you have a special lady who is brave enough to actually tell you how she feels. All too often people can never do that! Has she said she doesn't want to continue the relationship with you? Has she given you an ultimatum? Or did she just say that she would fancy you more if you shed the pounds? There's a big difference there! My own husband has been overweight since we met - and is now working very hard to shed the pounds, and I personally can't wait to see the result! Is that wrong? It didn't stop me wanting to get together with him in the first place, or falling totally in love with him, but yes, at the back of my mind I always knew I would have preferred him to be slimmer - but that certainly wasn't my top priority. I never actually came out and said it - because he has always made it clear that he wants to be slimmer, and I think we both knew that I would want it too - doesn't it go without saying? I mean, overweight or slim and ripped - really? Is anyone going to say, no I'm sorry, you're too slim and ripped for me, I want you to put on a few stone... sorry.!!!! Tell me - did you ask her what she felt about your figure or did she just come out and say it? Either way, I think you should use this as motivation and not let it be the big deciding factor in your relationship - ultimately you both have to love each other for who you are and look past skin deep.

msminyon

Tell her she could use a little toning up also and then ask her what time she's like to hit the gym...lol. If she would like you slimmer , make her aprt of the work out process so she can see how hard you are working. my hubby runs with me sometimes and understands how hard my runs can be.

pyrowill

Sounds to me like you have a special lady who is brave enough to actually tell you how she feels. All too often people can never do that! Has she said she doesn't want to continue the relationship with you? Has she given you an ultimatum? Or did she just say that she would fancy you more if you shed the pounds? There's a big difference there!

She is special, and no she didnt give me an ultimatum, she said how great we are that she loves me, have amazing chemistry, and thinks I'm gorgeous, BUT doesnt know how much she fancies me in that way cos of body. Im glad she said how she felt, really I am. She said she hadn't said anything cos a few months ago I was really into getting back into shape, but since I hit a low and stopped I guess she thought enough is enough, gotta tell him. And I don't know if its the biggest priority, she says she can 'often' look past that. But its a big priority still. I don't blame her, physical attractiveness is a huge deal.

KariAmbriz

She is special, and no she didnt give me an ultimatum, she said how great we are that she loves me, have amazing chemistry, and thinks I'm gorgeous, BUT doesnt know how much she fancies me in that way cos of body. Im glad she said how she felt, really I am. She said she hadn't said anything cos a few months ago I was really into getting back into shape, but since I hit a low and stopped I guess she thought enough is enough, gotta tell him. And I don't know if its the biggest priority, she says she can 'often' look past that. But its a big priority still. I don't blame her, physical attractiveness is a huge deal.

Maybe it was just the push you needed?

suzitkd

Yeah, physical attractiveness can be a big deal - but don't forget the mental state of mind that goes with it - confidence. If you had given up on yourself that also speaks a little of your state of mind doesn't it? Maybe it's not just the change in your body shape she's wanting to see, but she also wants to see the more motivated you - the one who is up there and ready to make a change, the one who is proud of the way he looks - I think this can be the biggest change we make, bigger even than the physical one, and it's effect on who we are should not be underestimated. I agree that encouraging her to join you on your journey is a good idea - bring her along on your workouts, cook and eat healthy meals together - become a team! That way you can both be proud of your progress. Good luck.

msminyon

also I suggest, keep a list of little things you can do for yourself to feel better. I have a couple of outfits I wear that always make me feel better...I'm sure there are tons of things people do for themselves to feel better......

pyrowill

Suzitkd you are so right

yellowpear

I agree yellowpear, but it's hard not to let their comment 'get to you' when their opinion seems to be the only one you care about. ANyway, point taken on chin, using it for more self motivation. Job done I hope!

Yeah.. that's right take it as a self-motivation.
I know it's hard. I had struggled with it. It will make you so depressed. But then I thought why should I allow it to effect me. They say that because they have a problem with treating their loved one. Not because we have a problem. So take it as a 'challenge' & don't ever let it stop you from reaching your goal.
You can also tell her to give you all the push you require that will help you in the process. Tell her that soon you will eventually reach the goal weight and she is going to be proud of you. But till then ask her to give you all the support & to avoid all the negative stuff. If that doesn't work, then don't be bothered about it.
Take care & wish you all the luck in the world.