Children lost for 40 years

rheston

This isn't the usual topic people post about but I need someplace to place my emotions today and I appreciate your just listening.

When I was in Vietnam (1967, 1968 and 1969), I did three tours back-to-back, I had the opportunity to link up with a very sweet farm girl from the Delta region. I was a Forward Air Control (FAC) Airman attached to the 5th Special Forces. Long story short, well before the end of my last tour she was pregnant. I tried to get her to marry me, leave the country and to live at my parents home in the State. She opted to go to her parents little farmette and have the baby it turns out she didn't do that but we never saw each other again because I was posted to a different part of the country where the fighting was getting more intense.

Over the years I'd heard inklings of the possibility she had twins. About 10 years ago my parents received a phone call indicating that it was a girl claiming to know me, there were twins and they were looking for me. My parents thought it was a prank call and cut off the connection and didn't tell me about this until a couple years later. My wife and I did a lengthy on-line search but didn't know the names being used now or where to really go so I posted on all Amerasian sites and Vietnam Vet sites the details I could in the hopes they could find me.

This past Sunday I received a call. I have two 39 year old and beautiful daughters living in LA and their mother is there too. I'm flying out to visit them next weekend. My children of my current marriage are excited and have been communicating with their older sisters. Ive been in contact with them both as well. By the way there's no doubt that they are my children because these paternal twins look just like my two younger sisters and a cousin.

Unfortunately my wife is having very strong misgivings and a foreboding of bad things to come and has completely withdrawn. We no longer communicate but snap at each other. I can understand how threatened she must feel but how does one assure a spouse of 36 years that her Harley riding buddy isn't going to leave her for an old flame for whom there's no affection.

I do feel a strong moral and fatherly tug to see these girls and close a chapter for them and me. I hope that things are opened up to a bigger family environment that includes them and my wife eventually sees that her security and our marriage is not at risk.

There's lots more but I just needed to jot this down to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

rheston

This isn't the usual topic people post about but I need someplace to place my emotions today and I appreciate your just listening.

When I was in Vietnam (1967, 1968 and 1969), I did three tours back-to-back, I had the opportunity to link up with a very sweet farm girl from the Delta region. I was a Forward Air Control (FAC) Airman attached to the 5th Special Forces. Long story short, well before the end of my last tour she was pregnant. I tried to get her to marry me, leave the country and to live at my parents home in the State. She opted to go to her parents little farmette and have the baby it turns out she didn't do that but we never saw each other again because I was posted to a different part of the country where the fighting was getting more intense.

Over the years I'd heard inklings of the possibility she had twins. About 10 years ago my parents received a phone call indicating that it was a girl claiming to know me, there were twins and they were looking for me. My parents thought it was a prank call and cut off the connection and didn't tell me about this until a couple years later. My wife and I did a lengthy on-line search but didn't know the names being used now or where to really go so I posted on all Amerasian sites and Vietnam Vet sites the details I could in the hopes they could find me.

This past Sunday I received a call. I have two 39 year old and beautiful daughters living in LA and their mother is there too. I'm flying out to visit them next weekend. My children of my current marriage are excited and have been communicating with their older sisters. Ive been in contact with them both as well. By the way there's no doubt that they are my children because these paternal twins look just like my two younger sisters and a cousin.

Unfortunately my wife is having very strong misgivings and a foreboding of bad things to come and has completely withdrawn. We no longer communicate but snap at each other. I can understand how threatened she must feel but how does one assure a spouse of 36 years that her Harley riding buddy isn't going to leave her for an old flame for whom there's no affection.

I do feel a strong moral and fatherly tug to see these girls and close a chapter for them and me. I hope that things are opened up to a bigger family environment that includes them and my wife eventually sees that her security and our marriage is not at risk.

There's lots more but I just needed to jot this down to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Shannon023

Wow, what a story. :flowerforyou:

Please let us know the outcome and thank you for your service.

Phoenix_Rising

I can empathize for your wife. Too many made-for-tv movies have the man leaving his current wife to go back to the 'love of his life', who was wrenched away in a tragic way.... just like your situation.

Is your wife going with you to see your daughters? Maybe that would help her, to be present and by your side when you see your past love.

cassangelidy

Wow congrats on finding them...that is amazing.

I'd sit her down look her right in the eyes and tell her how much she means to you and how this new development doesn't change anything about your marriage and your love and committment to each other. Sometimes people don't listen unless you really drill it into them.

MFS27

Wow - I'm so moved by your story - and really glad you found your daughters. No matter how old we are - we always wanted to be claimed and loved by our parents. I can see why your wife might have misgivings - if I were in her shoes, I don't think I would be worried about an old flame, so much, but maybe how our life as we've known it will change. Will the newly found children demand money from us? Will you want to move to be closer, etc.? I think just talking about it between the two of you and agreeing not to do anything until both of you have agreed on a decision would help your wife through this time.

Poison5119

What a fabulous story. I think after the initial shock, your wife will begin to understand that 40 years is a very long time. Go meet your daughters. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Pictured in my ticker is my 26 year old daughter, whom I gave up for adoption. She helped enact legislation in Massachussetts that open sealed documents and enable adoptees to find their birth parents.. She has peace now that she knows where she gets her personal gifts from. (at least part).

God Bless

rheston

I've tried telling my wife that I had no emotional response when I saw the girls mother's picture and that there isn't a threat to us. I've told her how much she means to me. She thinks I'm moving too fast that I'm not thinking clearly.

I can see this from her perspective because she's not quite grasped the whole idea. I'm making sure the will is tightened up so that this new situation doesn't undo all that we've put in place and in case my untimely demise happens while on this business/personal trip then whatever financial concerns there were are staved off.

I didn't anticipate having to face difficulties on two fronts if and when this happened. It's not like she and our kids didn't know they were out there.

metco89

That is so cool. I have an aunt (my dads twin sister, my dad is deceased) who had the same thing happen a few years ago. I remember as a child hearing about when she moved to Florida, i was not born yet. Well come to find out she moved there to "get out of town" cause she was pregnant and i guess back then it just wasn't accepted like it is today. well no one knew but her and my grandparents (who I never knew due to their deaths) She got a call from a lady saying she though my aunt was her birth mother and she was!!! It is so cool to have a new cousin even though i have not met her. She and my aunt are close now and it is a truly wonderful story, they were actually featured in a magazine i wanna say ladies home journal but i can't remember. Anyway I think about how sad it is though that my dad passed away never knowing this or at least not telling anyone about it. I wish u a great future with all of your loved ones!

TamTastic

Wow!! That is an amazing story. I am sure there are a ton of emotions going around for both of you!

I send good thoughts and prayers your way that everything turns out peaceful in the end!

Hang in there and be sure to let us know! And I want to see pics too! I bet they are beautiful! :flowerforyou:

rheston

I will post pictures of both families for you to see. Look for them this weekend. Thanks, Bob

MFS27

I've tried telling my wife that I had no emotional response when I saw the girls mother's picture and that there isn't a threat to us. I've told her how much she means to me. She thinks I'm moving too fast that I'm not thinking clearly.

I can see this from her perspective because she's not quite grasped the whole idea. I'm making sure the will is tightened up so that this new situation doesn't undo all that we've put in place and in case my untimely demise happens while on this business/personal trip then whatever financial concerns there were are staved off.

I didn't anticipate having to face difficulties on two fronts if and when this happened. It's not like she and our kids didn't know they were out there.

Make sure you have a living trust, as items in a will still need to go through probate and can be contested.

And you seem like a kind, caring man with a good heart - I'm touched that you searched for your children all these years (many men would have just written the unknown children off) - your wife will come around; just give her time to get over this shock and keep the loving actions and words flowing.

Maybe, if it has been too difficult to talk face-to-face, write her a letter telling her how you feel about her, and your hope and desire is to have her by your side as you finally meet your daughters, etc.

PrincessLaundry

WOW!!!

First of all, YEY for you for how you are looking at things. That's great for you and your "now" family, and the newly found girls. Your wife will definately will feel threatened and need plenty of love at this time for her place in your life. Although YOU know she is number 1! She is going to need a reminder almost 24/7 for quite some time.

When is the last time you have sat down with just her over flowers and her favorite meal. Maybe this along with a sweet talk about how much you love her would help. I had a tough time in my life a while back with things and my husband TOLD ME (gave me) permission to call him at anytime that I feel insecure. If I feel lonely call him at his cell or work. If I'm sad, send him an e-mail, or if I just need him to tell me that he loves me beyond all he times he already does tell me this...He told me to call him.

Would something like this work for you two?

Heck, we made up a secret signal to be able to say, 'I love you" when others are around. LOL

Give her something new that is special two the both of you.

Anyway...I am so exited and happy for you and your new adventure ahead. You sound like the type of guy who won't forget to bring ALL your family together. YEY YOU!!:flowerforyou:

Eve23

:bigsmile: :bigsmile: Congrats first of all. Second of all remember that you have had a lifetime to prepare for this and if this was sprung on her recently it is going to be difficult to get past. I feel for her. It can be a rough thing to meld two families togethor that have had so many years seperating them but I do wish you all the luck.

I met my dad after 22 years and that was a very hard trip. I also met 2 siblings that were adopted out of the family for other reasons. We aren't close but it is nice to have a face to them.

Good luck:flowerforyou:

AJCM

Can you take your wife with you? Introducing her to your daughters and their mother might help your wife understand how important she is in your current life. Is that possible?

The whole story is so whirlwind and romantic, that your wife may be nervous about how you will be feeling seeing everyone (including the mother of your two daughters - with whom you once shared a romance).

Best of luck on your journey, and what a gift for those two women to find their father after all these years (and they really seemed to luck out - you seem like such a gentleman).
:flowerforyou:

lotusfromthemud

Wow.

As an adult woman, whose father left my family when I was a young child, I think it's very important that you see your children. There's still a "hole" in my life (which is a great one, by the way) because I don't know him.

I would second AJ's suggestion to take your wife along, if she'll go. This is obviously somewhat of a shock to your wife, and it's not exactly an easy situation. . .but if I were her I'd rather be there than not. . .just my opinion.

Every situation is unique, but I just thought I'd contribute this life experience to yours . . .I think seeing the children is the right thing.:flowerforyou:

Vans

That is absolutely AMAZING of you to reach out.
I am 24 years of age and do not know my biological father, he has never tried to contact me whatsoever. I was told him name at the age of 16 and have wondered about him all this time......part of me is resentful seeing as my mother was 18 years of age and he was in his early 30's and his wife had just left him (this is what my mother has told me).....yet part of me also feels incomplete..upon graduating high school (before leaving for University) my mother attempted to contact him and he acknowledged her, and yet NOT I. She then sent him a photo album with all my school pictures finishing it with my graduation picture explaining to him I was going to University........
Reading YOUR story really touched me and made me smile.....I know in my heart he will never want to meet me....Now that I am a University AND College graduate I am curious to know what type of DNA I've got, I feel that I need to know for MY future children...
anyhow before MY story ends up longer then yours
THANK YOU FOR SHARING!!!!!!:flowerforyou:

GoGetterMom

Wow! I am so glad you get a chance to see your daughters. My dad spent his tour over in Italy and about 3 years ago. I was always raised as the oldest of 2 girls. I was told a few years ago (after my parents had an ugly divorce) that I have an older sister somewhere in Italy. My grandparents cut her off from my dad and I have no way to contact or find her.... It is so sad. I think it was a big reason my dad was never truly happy. He just won't talk about it.

I hope you have a wonderful trip. I wish you wife would/could go with you. It would be a wonderful time to share a big part of who you are - she could give these girls (my age) such insight to their father. Who knows you better than her?

Prayers for you & your family!!!

LAPETITERUSE

what a heart warming story.... to know that they've been thinking of you as much as you've been thinking of them and to finally have found each other.

Your wife's concerns are completely understandable and expected in such a situation. All you can do is continue to support her coping process by telling her how much you love her and how loyal you are to her. However, don't expect her anxiety to loosen any until after the trip. She will possibly be on edge until the first contact visit is over and her husband has returned to her. Then she'll be able to have a huge sigh of relief that all her worries were in vain and all is well... and to boot, she will gain two step daughters.

The initial learning phase will be up and down as there are so many emotions involved with such a situation, but the expansion of family is well worth it. I wish you all the best with your new found daughters!!!

rheston

I did take the time to write about everything to my wife from the time I was in Vietnam to the present day. About 10 years ago when the mother of these two girls, I posted their pictures on my page along with my other children, failed to connect with me through my parents my wife and I both went on the internet at that time and searched many, many databases. My wife and children have been kept abreast of my searches and I was just confused by my wife's action when it all came together.

The 6 page letter to her seemed to help. She won't go with me to LA because she thinks that I'm moving too fast and its way too soon for her. I agree it may be too soon for her and doing this on my own initially is probably best so that any of the very personal things that need to be discussed are dealt with before the family formally meets as a bigger group.

I'm pleased that my son and daughter are very heavily into emailing their sisters already and I believe that my daughter in Colorado is in telephone contact with one of the daughters in LA.

I can't thank you all enough for your insight and observations, particularly those who have been in the position of "lost child." It has helped tremendously to step back and look at things in so many different perspectives and for that I'm grateful that the MFP community exists.

I am taking all the necessary steps to make my wife comfortable by having the legal documents drawn up to ensure that all that we've worked for together is not vulnerable to any loss if something were to happen to me as this is taking place.

I'll probably write again next weekend (Sunday morning most likely) when I'm in LA and bump this to the top of the pile so that you can see whether it was a good initial meeting or not.

peej76

I'm so excited for you!!! As for your wife, I'm sure once she meets them and realizes there is no threat, she will be very happy for you!