"Play date " issue - Mommy advice needed!

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  • SarahJayRigdon
    SarahJayRigdon Posts: 113 Member
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    Why not arrange to meet the other childs mother/father/caregiver/whoever over coffee at the park or what not? Then you could get to know the parents and open the proverbial door to opening their literal front door. Then you can get a glimpse of the living situation for your self.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
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    Even if you "get to know" these folks over coffee, how can you know whether they are sickos or not? How do you know whether there isn't a scummy uncle that frequents the home? My kid only plays in homes of folks we consider very close friends (and are just as paranoid as us). Just not worth it, in my opinion.
  • kathott
    kathott Posts: 72 Member
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    my children are adults now, but I remember something that my family doctor told me when i was a new parent. "A mother's gut feeling always outweighs anything else in the world...always, always follow your gut!" We didn't follow our gut feeling about a neighbor's
    home situation and our child was hurt by this neighbor's child. We are thankful our child was too young to remember the trauma she went thru but never never again, did i NOT follow my gut feelings.... Please follow your gut instinct when it comes to your daughter. You are
    probably bang on RIGHT!
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
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    It seems to get more cluttered every time I go there. The last time I picked her up there it was before lunch but pitch black inside cuz all the blinds were closed. I asked who was watching them and they said the Dad, but he didn't come to the door because he was asleep.
    DANGER! DANGER! RED FLAGS! SPOOKY! :frown:
  • frogmommy
    frogmommy Posts: 151 Member
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    1. Encourage other friendships with other children for your child.
    2. Do not ever go against your gut feeling!
    3. I didn't allow sleepovers until my daughter was 10. Tell her that you have decided to change the past rules because she needs to get her sleep (or whatever).
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
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    I always follow my instincts in other areas of my life, so you're all right - of course I should follow them here. Even after having met the parents, talked to the mom, been inside the house, I still feel this way. So of course I have to follow it.
  • sam363
    sam363 Posts: 204 Member
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    I have 3 kids - my advice - go with your gut!!!
    Continue to encourage playdates at your house. At 8 years, she's too young to understand why, but just tell her, if she wants to continue to play with this child, it has to be at your house. And who knows, maybe the other child needs a safe place like yours to come to and escape what ever is happening at hers.

    Good luck - being a good parent isn't about being fun mom, it's about doing the right thing for your child!

    Rebecca

    Great advice Rebecca! Always go with your gut!

    I would necessarily feel the need to schedule and mommy/child play date but I would ask my daughter questions about where she was at and what happened while she was at the friends house. Have you asked her why she comes home dirty? Are they playing hide and seek behind furniture that needs to be dusted/vacuumed behind? You can ask questions with out leading her to a conclusion. I would also keep inviting the other girl over - if she very well might need your home more than you think. Have you tried asking the friend about her home life? Have the girls bake something with you - it's easy to ask the friend " Do you bake at your house?" "What kind of fun things do you like to do at your house?" Who lives with you? At 8 - they are more willing to share these things when there is an activity and they don't feel grilled.

    Good luck and remember that if something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
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    DANGER! DANGER! RED FLAGS! SPOOKY! :frown:

    You're too funny! Yes, odd though. Also this kid has an ipod touch she carries around and has complete access to the internet, YouTube, etc. At eight years old?! I'm not ok with that!
  • corieueber
    corieueber Posts: 72 Member
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    my boys are a bit young for me to have these issues yet - but trust your instinct, and while l'd not discourage your child to not play with there friend (poor child might not have other friends) l'd be very encouraging of other friendships
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
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    She may not have a lot of friends, true. But why? The first time my child went over there was for this kid's birthday. She apparently invited tons of kids and it was going to be a huge thing, but then only my child and one other showed up. Um. Kids always go to parties when invited, don't they?!
  • ejmcam
    ejmcam Posts: 533 Member
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    Have you ever been to the house to check out the situation? My kids are younger so its probably different but my son never goes to anyones house unless I have been there and spent time there myself, with the parents. But I have to say, I 100% agree with everyone who said go with your gut....because god forbid something happened you would never ever forgive yourself for not listening to your instincts. Being a parent is so hard sometimes....you want to make them happy, but what makes them happy is not always what is best for them!
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
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    Have you ever been to the house to check out the situation? My kids are younger so its probably different but my son never goes to anyones house unless I have been there and spent time there myself, with the parents. But I have to say, I 100% agree with everyone who said go with your gut....because god forbid something happened you would never ever forgive yourself for not listening to your instincts. Being a parent is so hard sometimes....you want to make them happy, but what makes them happy is not always what is best for them!

    Yep, been in the house, met the parents, talked to the mom but not the dad, even met the grandma (she seems the least creepy out of the lot). Still feel icky about it.
  • angp7711
    angp7711 Posts: 324 Member
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    One thing you can do to make it a bit easier is just make your house the fun house. Almost all sleep overs and playdates are at my house or REALLY close friends. My boys are 9 and 10. I do have some say over their friends still but they do have a couple of friends that aren't my faves but they still come over. I put effort in being the house that the kids like to hang out at. That way I always know what is going on and I can influence the situations. I have two boys so part of that is keeping the house stocked and feeding these boys and having lots entertainment ideas. The fun house and the "safe" house is my goal :)
  • Swimgoddess
    Swimgoddess Posts: 711 Member
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    I would necessarily feel the need to schedule and mommy/child play date but I would ask my daughter questions about where she was at and what happened while she was at the friends house. Have you asked her why she comes home dirty? Are they playing hide and seek behind furniture that needs to be dusted/vacuumed behind? You can ask questions with out leading her to a conclusion. I would also keep inviting the other girl over - if she very well might need your home more than you think. Have you tried asking the friend about her home life? Have the girls bake something with you - it's easy to ask the friend " Do you bake at your house?" "What kind of fun things do you like to do at your house?" Who lives with you? At 8 - they are more willing to share these things when there is an activity and they don't feel grilled.

    Good luck and remember that if something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.

    When I was 8, I loved going to my BF "Jenna's" house. I liked it because her parents showed her plenty of "material love" and were never hovering, etc. They seemed to move around a great deal and Jenna basically said they were "house flippers". One day Jenna's stepdad was hanging out with us and he and Jenna jokingly gave each other "butterfly kisses", "Eskimo kisses" and finally "tongue wagging kisses". Yeah... I told my parents about that as soon as I got home and from then on, Jenna was only allowed to come over to our house. I didn't see my mom as the un-fun mom at all and was thankful to be rescued from an awkward situation. Jenna seemed to really enjoy my Mom's more "hands-on" approach too. So yeah, another vote for trust your gut and I'll add in don't underestimate your child's sense of "weird awareness" either; even if it does take a little casual prompting.
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
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    Ugh, that creeps me out - the material things. I was just thinking about how they don't live ina great place but they have all these new gadgets, etc., and the kids are left unsupervised, I think that's part of what my child likes: the ipod touch, the ipad, and the fact they can do whatever they want. :(
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    I have a similar issue with our neighbors. Theyre right next door so kind of unavoidable. My daughter tells me their house has dog poop all over it and that they never have any food. The kids are unruly at my house and come knocking on our door at dinner time and well after bedtime quite often. Theres no parents at home most of the time. From the outside, their home is impeccable - I was SHOCKED when I found out how it was over there. I feel terrible for those kids but I wont let my kids go back over there anymore. They can play at my house and ONLY my house.
    I think your gut is your biggest ally. Sounds like you have reason to be concerned. Maybe go over with a plate of cookies and try to invite yourself in to chat with mom while the kids play? Or call ahead and just say you have limited time for the kids to play because you have an appointment so youll be staying with her today.
  • Reisse62
    Reisse62 Posts: 71 Member
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    Trust your gut. Oh and not to sound harsh but you are the mom you don't need an excuse to say no to a child.:smile:
  • Reisse62
    Reisse62 Posts: 71 Member
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    It seems to get more cluttered every time I go there. The last time I picked her up there it was before lunch but pitch black inside cuz all the blinds were closed. I asked who was watching them and they said the Dad, but he didn't come to the door because he was asleep.
    DANGER! DANGER! RED FLAGS! SPOOKY! :frown:

    Runaway!!!
  • JennsLosing
    JennsLosing Posts: 1,026
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    I have 3 kids - my advice - go with your gut!!!
    Continue to encourage playdates at your house. At 8 years, she's too young to understand why, but just tell her, if she wants to continue to play with this child, it has to be at your house. And who knows, maybe the other child needs a safe place like yours to come to and escape what ever is happening at hers.

    Good luck - being a good parent isn't about being fun mom, it's about doing the right thing for your child!

    Rebecca
    this is what i was going to suggest. This and get to know the parents if shes going to be over there.
  • JennsLosing
    JennsLosing Posts: 1,026
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    I have 3 kids - my advice - go with your gut!!!
    Continue to encourage playdates at your house. At 8 years, she's too young to understand why, but just tell her, if she wants to continue to play with this child, it has to be at your house. And who knows, maybe the other child needs a safe place like yours to come to and escape what ever is happening at hers.

    Good luck - being a good parent isn't about being fun mom, it's about doing the right thing for your child!

    Rebecca
    this is what i was going to suggest. This and get to know the parents if shes going to be over there.

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