I want my old self back

redheadmommy

Hi,
I have just joined MFP yesterday, and I hope it help me to get out of the rut where I am right now in life. I have never been skinny Minnie, but I managed my weight at a normal range until my late 20's.

At that point my husband and I bought a house and started to discuss our future family. I quit smoking cold turkey, and gained 25 lb in a year. As I was approaching 30, we started to trying to conceive. Time passed by and nothing happened, which made me very stressed, desperate, and I am a stress eater... A year later I find myself another 10lb heavier sitting in a fertility doctor office. They run some tests, and the results were not promising, so we started to do fertility treatments. Well, the crazy hormones and an extreme amount of stress leaded additional weight gain.

Finally in 2008 I got pregnant. I was so scared to lose the pregnancy that I literally didn't lift a finger during my pregnancy.Well, I ended up gaining 70 lb with my son, and at least 30lb of that was pure fat. I was breastfeeding him almost 2 yr, during which time I was afraid of doing harsh diets / exercise. After I stopped nursing him last fall, we started to try for a sibling and I have done 4 more fertility treatments and no pregnancy. We spent a sickening amount of money on this, I now have hot flashes, my period became irregular and started to have facial hair where never used to be. After our last failed in-vitro in May, my husband and I decided, we need a break from this.

I haven't told my husband this, but this is not a just a bit of break, I am done. I have enough! My last 7-8 years was all about getting pregnant, keeping the pregnancy, and I still do not have the big family I wanted, and I may never have it. Now i am 220 lb for my 5'8" height and my husband clearly do not find me attractive anymore. I just can not take this anymore.
I want to stop this misery. I want my life back . I want my old self back, the positive , energetic , cheerful person i was before all this.

2 weeks ago I started to bike to work twice a week. It is a 9 km ride one way, so I am quite exhausted by the time I get into my office, but it is getting better. Probably from next week, I'll able to increase it to 3 times a week. It takes me 40 minutes one way, which is not bad since my alternative transportation would also take 30 minutes.

I also started the couch to 5K program last week, but I am not sure I'll able to stick to that one. My lung is not that strong, and I end up gasping after air very quickly. Also that actually need to make time for, which I find it very hard. We will see. I got myself a new phone and dowloaded MFP 2 days ago, and I try to eat better. I hope I 'll get the support I need here.

heatherseona

Good Luck on your journey. I have been here for a little over a month and spend alot more time reading and chatting with friends than on Facebook. I am cheering you on.:drinker:

Cherese1983

Sounds like you have been through a lot. I agree it is time to focus on you! MFP offers GREAT support! Good luck on everything and take it one day at a time!

LessMe2B

You're in the right place for the support and positive feedback you need. Surround yourself with dedicated MFP'ers and you'll have a cheering section for your successes and support system for your stumbles. Good luck and welcome. :flowerforyou:

traceymccune

I think you will find the motivation and encouragement you need here. I know when I start losing my motivation, I get it back when I see that my friends did complete their goals for the day. Feel free to add me if you like...I could use more buddies!

BRANDYLYNETTE

It is hard to get back to your REAL self.....I found this site in April. I am on it EVERYDAY....logging on everything I eat. Even when I cheat. I am now finding myself looking at foods a different way because I NOW know how bad food can be! I am also 5 8......was up to 214 ....and now down to 187. I KNOW imy progress is because of this site. I am in it for myself.....I want to feel better.....look better....and I am tired of turning the other way when I see an old classmate....because of how I feel about myself. I want to be happier.....and feeling good about oneself is the key to happiness. I have not EVER been able to lose weight on my own. I joined Physicians weight loss in my late 20's and early 30's ....and would lose weight.....feel good about myself for a few months and then went back to my old eating habits. I knew it was because I was no longer logging my food....and getting weighed in. I work in the school system and was eating school lunches everyday....and let me tell you...that packed the weight on! Now, I eat the weight watchers smart ones....for lunch.....and usually grill fish or chicken for dinner. I do little things like not put half and half in my coffee etc. I am hoping this site never leaves me. It has made a big impact on my life. I also just started! I am sorry you have had to go through so much. Life throws us curve balls sometimes. It never ends up the way we think it should. I have high hopes that you do well.....and get back to your old self. Wishing you lots of luck on your journey!!!!

redheadmommy

Wow, thank you guys! I already feel the positive vibes coming right at me.
I desperately need this help to get through this.

kkidd621

Hey! I am 26 and I just had my daughter in Jan. Im sorry for all you have been through, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have never been through fertility treatments but I have suffered two miscarriages due to complications with myself. Please talk to your husband about how you are feeling, this is something that I did not do and it almost ruined my marriage, not only once but twice. Get your focus back on you and your husband and focus "special time" with your child. God is good and no matter the unfor curcumstance he will see you through! Feel free to add me! I hope this is what works for you, I know I signed up yesterday and I am already overwhelmed by the friendships from others!

PandaFit450

Hi
Welcome to MFP
Well done - you've already achieved so much already - a 10lb loss with all you've endured is amazing!
I've sent a friend req if you'd like some support during your journey.
Good luck

Jules x
:flowerforyou:

vlc1979

Infertility is so stressfull!!! Stress + food + weight = misery!! I feel for you!!

My DH and I wanted a lil one together.... it didn't work out so we bought motorcycles instead

I understand the not feeling attractive anymore!! I am on this journey for myself too. I want to know that when I go somewhere I can feel ok w/ myself and not feel like I need to hide.

I will send you a friend request. We can work on this journey together!!!

cwb1017

I could use some online support also. I told my Weight Watchers leader yesterday that I am not stopping until I get to goal. This week I am going to get my two servings of healthy oils in.

MattAxtell

I bike to work 5 days a week, but its only 4 miles each way lol.

Biking to work is so satisfying.

And you save a TON on gas / parking.

Good luck!!!