Motivation!

JessicaJune · June 2011

I had a small breakthrough, (well actually, it's pretty big for me), this weekend at a baby shower. The hosts had set out a large table of food, but it was the typical "party" food that many of us know all too well: hamburgers, hotdogs, potato salad, macaroni salad, 7-layer taco dip, meat and cheese platters, cracker towers, eggrolls, meatballs, cream cheese dip, chip dip, buckets of Doritos and Ruffles, deli wraps loaded with mayo, chocolate cake, soda, sugary punch....and that was just half of it. The only healthy options to be had were a fruit tray and veggie tray.

Instead of loading my plate sky-high, gorging and then vomiting, (repeating the cycle about two more times), I sat there drinking water and focused on my cucumber slices and grapes. I held back the urge to take "just one bite" because I knew that "one bite" would lead to several. When I left the party, I came back to my apartment and prepared my homemade sloppy joe with a side salad full of fresh vegetables. I felt good about myself...and that's a mountain definitely not climbed in over a decade.

I have lived with a severe eating disorder for 11 years of my life and it will continue to be a part of my life every day. But that doesn't mean I have to let it control me any longer and I'm slowly (and by slowly, I mean VERY slowly) taking steps to ensure I don't put myself in precarious situations...and this small victory was so much more than just a "hey, look at me". It really gave me some hope and confidence in myself. And knowing that I can control what I eat, how I eat or when I eat in a HEALTHY way is huge. It's a step towards recovery...a really hard one to make. Control for me always meant restricting food or getting rid of it as fast as I could. Control was an intense fear of anything with fat grams. Control was out of control.

So for those who are struggling with motivation, look at the small accomplishments every day. If I can do it, YOU can do it! If I can take even one step towards a healthy me, YOU CAN TOO! Just keep working and for every health-related decision you make, ask yourself beforehand "am I going to love myself after this".

<hug to all>

Jess