Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $

Thriceshy

This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

So sorry for your loss. I promise you'd feel a bit differently if you'd spent a decade or more being financially manipulated by that mother, scraping money out of your retirement for loans that are actually lies and being publically humiliated when you try to protect yourself. No reason for the OP to feel guilty for not wanting to be manipulated and stolen from anymore. Me? My mother cleared out my life insurance's cash value as a "loan" and not only didn't pay back, but sometimes insists she did in order to garner sympathy at my expense.

Not all mothers are hearts and butterflies. Some of them are breathtakingly manipulative emotional and financial extortionists.

Kris

zenchild

I'm actually trying to avoid a similar situation. Here's the plan:
- She has to give you control of her finances. If she refuses, walk away. You've done what you can.
- Set up a separate bank account for her finances. Her income gets direct deposited into this account.
- You figure out a payment plan for her house, utilities, etc and a bit of savings. Don't forget repayment of any loans you've given her. Any extra is moved into an account that she has access to as an allowance.
- Cut up any credit cards.
- Write the rules down. If she breaks the rules, walk away.
It's harsh but that's how it is. If she won't agree, that's it. She can dig herself out.

Kolohe71

Thank you all for the advice... You all have pretty much confirmed what I was already thinking.

Mom and I have had a few e-mails back and forth today, and most of them have been pretty nasty on her end.

In the end, I told her the ONLY way I would consider another loan is if I can sit down and review every bill she has. As I want to know EXACTLY how far behind things are and that this could also include me talking to her lenders if I feel it necessary. Then, IF, I decide to loan her money after this review. It will be a one time offer, and it will NEVER happen again. Additionally, I am to be added to her bank accounts in such a manner that it is unrevocable unless one of us dies or we both agree in writing. Plus I will be establishing a very strict budget for her that if she violates will also mean that any further assistance will be denied.

She has not responded to these conditions yet.

Kolohe71

This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

I understand this sentiment, but there is a BIG difference between love and business. I do love my mother and I want to help her, but from a business point of view this situation is akin to taking $10K and lighting it on fire.

freerange

Tell her, like others have said, you will only help if you take over ALL her finances. Let the bank have the house, put her in an apartment and have her money deposited in your account. DO NOT LET HER HAVE ACCESS TO THE MONEY. Then you pay her bills, and you give her an allowance, each week, don’t trust her with a months worth of allowance money go shopping for her if you have to. This is just my opinion, but your mother has a problem, drugs, or alcohol or maybe something else, but there is something going on here.

freerange

This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

I understand this sentiment, but there is a BIG difference between love and business. I do love my mother and I want to help her, but from a business point of view this situation is akin to taking $10K and lighting it on fire.

I posted my first comment before I read this. I hope you didn’t mean this. She is your mother, and you should be wanting to help her because she is your mother, not because it makes business sense or not. And taking over her finances will be helping.

Kolohe71

This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

I understand this sentiment, but there is a BIG difference between love and business. I do love my mother and I want to help her, but from a business point of view this situation is akin to taking $10K and lighting it on fire.

I posted my first comment before I read this. I hope you didn’t mean this. She is your mother, and you should be wanting to help her because she is your mother, not because it makes business sense or not. And taking over her finances will be helping.

As cruel as it sounds, the business perspective is going to factor very heavily in my descision to assist her this time or not. I went with my emotions the last few times and look where it got me. In the end, I have to put my family's (wife and I) needs ahead of others. And taken from a purely financial perspective, a family is run EXACTLY like a business.

Elizabeth_C34

I think you are best off refusing the loan but telling her you will be there to help her with financial advice if she wants it. I think you've done more than enough.

I have given loans to my aunt, cousin, and my father with the same outcome as you. They tend to expect it at some point, and as uncomfortable as it is, just say no and find other ways to support them.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean they have the right to take advantage of you.

Taking over her finances may end up biting you and your family in the butt as well if things go awry. I think you should let her figure it out on her own and be there in as many other non-financial ways as possible.

Elizabeth_C34

This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.

Same here. I haven't seen my mom in 11 years come January. That being said, sometimes family aren't the best people in your life sadly.

TourThePast

Additionally, I am to be added to her bank accounts in such a manner that it is unrevocable unless one of us dies or we both agree in writing.

Not sure about the system in the US, if that's where you're from, but in the U.K. if you are "financially linked" e.g. share a joint account with someone with an appalling financial history, you can wreck your own credit rating. That might mean never bring able to get another mortgage yourself, so please do look into this aspect of it before making that step.

Though, if you do all that, what's to stop her from going into a store and buying stuff on their credit? Or worse, borrowing money from elsewhere.

She is living beyond her means, and she will never be out of trouble if that does not change. Unless she demonstrates clear commitment to reducing her outgoings, instead of her preferred solution (ie getting someone more financially responsible to bail her out which had always been a successful solution for her in the past) you will be paying and paying and paying.

Then when you retire, your kids will be posting something similar!

AshinAms

Wow, this situation sounds familiar to me. The emotional blackmail that she is trying is really not on, and I suspect that if she were in real financial straits she wouldn't be doing stuff like that.

I recommend that you get her to go to one of those debt management companies who will consolidate her loans and give her an amount to live on every month. If she won't do that or let you manage her finances, then just gracefully tell her that you can't help, but that your door is open if she is in such dire straits that she would homeless.

Also, remember - deciding not to help financially does NOT mean that you don't love your mom.

I sympathise with you.

Sarah_uk

She's your mother, ofcourse you have to help her!!

But you do need to find out what the problem is. What is she spending the money on? Is she just very bad at budgeting? Tell her it's a good idea to make a list of where the money is going every month. That way you can see where the money is going and find a solution to whatever is causing it.

I would suggest helping her,but on the condition of her doing this. Tell her you want to help her get things sorted.

TourThePast

I would suggest helping her,but on the condition of her doing this.

I understand your motives, and agree that it's temping for the OP to keep digging into his retirement savings to bail her out yet again, but I really don't think that throwing any more money into the black hole of her finances is helping her in the slightest.

Far from it, it's just teaching her that she does not need to take responsibility for her spending. In my view, giving her even more money would be totally counter-productive and unhelpful in the long term.

As someone said, give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you'll feed him forever.

I think she's been thrown one too many fish already...

Yes, the OP should help his mother with her finances, IF she wants his help, but that help does not have to be in the form of handing over his hard earned cash.