Don't understand insecurities of significant others

brnsgrsbody

I have been in a constant battle with my husband about being trusting and loving. He knows I could be an emotional eater if I gave into his constant questioning of my faithfulness to him. It makes me so mad because I am being faithful. He says all the time that I think I look too good and that I want guys to look at me and say something to me. ARE YOU SERIOUS? So I just walk out the house hoping someone says something to me? This is so high school and juvenille to me. I have been a person my whole life that is very confident in the skin I am in. Didn't matter if I was 215 or 155. I just don't like when people try to beat others down emotionally so I never do it to myself or to anyone else. I am so sad right now because I think that this is too much for me to handle. Spouses are suppose to love and care for you. Most men die to have a beautiful woman on their arm after three kids. I just don't get it. I am trying to force myself to eat today which is the reverse of what normally happens. HELP!!!

37mom

Some of what you said sounds like my life...haha...but not all. I think he must be very insecure of himself. Dont want to make you worry but sometimes the ones acusing are the ones doing. Its great that you have always been confident.(something I lack).Dont lose that. I agree your husband should be supportive. Maybe he needs some counselling...

smithsarahs

Okay, what I'm about to say is only coming from an attempt at empathizing with him to try to see where he might be coming from. I don't know anything about your life or how you handle things within your family. So I'm not making any judgement calls on anything.

It sounds like he's jealous.
How is his physical health? Does he work out? Is he a couch potato? Does he participate with you when you work out? Maybe he just wants you to spend more time with him.
Does he get stuck with the kids all the time while you're working out? I get stressed out just *thinking* about being stuck with kids all the time - and I don't have kids.

I hope this doesn't sound like I think it's your fault or that you're the one who needs to fix something. Often, it takes more people to fix a problem than it took to cause the problem. :flowerforyou:

dsmith31

I can relate with the possibilities that sarah has mentioned... Josh eats, sleeps, and breathes working out. He can spend $250 a month on supplements and gym membership, but if I spend $150 on clothes and shoes it's a problem Alot of times going to the gym for him is more of a priority than things that I may need him to do (like cut the grass). He used to wait until I'd get home from work to go to the gym, so then he'd be gone and I'd have to entertain the baby when I needed to be cooking dinner or doing laundry. In fact, I don't feel like I have time to go to the gym because there's so much that needs to be done at home when I get home from work, and I blame HIM going to the gym for it not getting done!! haha Small things like that can build up over time. I think the best thing to do would probably be to approach him (not defensively) and have him explain what's going on in that male brain... because I'm with you - I would be hurt if my significant other was labeling my confidence as vain or phishing for compliments... especially when you work as hard as you do.

BrownEyedG1rl

Don't let him do that to you. I'm one to talk though. My husband is the same way. We have a history though...

Back in 2009 I found out he was cheating on me for like 4-5 months with my BEST FRIEND. At that time, i was like 200 lbs and had a baby 4 months prior. Come January of this year....I finally had enough of my weight issue. He HATES that I'm losing weight and looking good. He is afraid I'm going to get a lot more attention from men (which I do) and leave him. He gets pissy with me about going to the gym sometimes and he once told me that I'm "leaving him behind". He isn't in the best shape. He could lose a few lbs, but not too bad. I made the choice to get healthy...I can't MAKE him workout and eat better and that's what I told him. He knows I'm looking good and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to wear skirts to work, doesn't want me to wear certain bras except for him, etc. He has become controlling really.

Don't let your situation get to this point.

37mom

Don't let him do that to you. I'm one to talk though. My husband is the same way. We have a history though...

Back in 2009 I found out he was cheating on me for like 4-5 months with my BEST FRIEND. At that time, i was like 200 lbs and had a baby 4 months prior. Come January of this year....I finally had enough of my weight issue. He HATES that I'm losing weight and looking good. He is afraid I'm going to get a lot more attention from men (which I do) and leave him. He gets pissy with me about going to the gym sometimes and he once told me that I'm "leaving him behind". He isn't in the best shape. He could lose a few lbs, but not too bad. I made the choice to get healthy...I can't MAKE him workout and eat better and that's what I told him. He knows I'm looking good and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to wear skirts to work, doesn't want me to wear certain bras except for him, etc. He has become controlling really.

Don't let your situation get to this point.

Wow your very forgiving..i dont know if I could stay with someone after them cheating..never mind that it was with your best friend!!! Thats exactly like what I said earlier. Usually someone is like that because they themselves are the cheating ones.

lisafred24

I used to have a boyfriend like this and my mother said to me "any body that jealous for no reason is the one with something to hide". I didn't believe it at the time but guess what, she was right he was the one cheating. Any chance your husband is being overly flirty with another woman so he thinks you must be doing the same thing when he isn't around?

BrownEyedG1rl

Don't let him do that to you. I'm one to talk though. My husband is the same way. We have a history though...

Back in 2009 I found out he was cheating on me for like 4-5 months with my BEST FRIEND. At that time, i was like 200 lbs and had a baby 4 months prior. Come January of this year....I finally had enough of my weight issue. He HATES that I'm losing weight and looking good. He is afraid I'm going to get a lot more attention from men (which I do) and leave him. He gets pissy with me about going to the gym sometimes and he once told me that I'm "leaving him behind". He isn't in the best shape. He could lose a few lbs, but not too bad. I made the choice to get healthy...I can't MAKE him workout and eat better and that's what I told him. He knows I'm looking good and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to wear skirts to work, doesn't want me to wear certain bras except for him, etc. He has become controlling really.

Don't let your situation get to this point.

Wow your very forgiving..i dont know if I could stay with someone after them cheating..never mind that it was with your best friend!!! Thats exactly like what I said earlier. Usually someone is like that because they themselves are the cheating ones.

I didn't say I forgave him. I haven't.

keb80

Sorry that he's being like that. I think its normal for SOs to be a little insecure when their mate starts paying special attention to their looks. (I know many of us are doing it for health over looks but they see it as us just wanting to look better). I don't think you're alone in having to deal with that. (I deal with it too but my husband and I have had recent problems that have contributed to it, otherwise I think it would be a non issue). BUT, I don't think its okay that he's constantly questioning your faithfulness to him!! Like the others have said, if he's acting like that, it could be that he has something to hide. Just remember to stay strong and stick to what you are doing, even though it sounds like you're getting no support.

bouldert

use reverse psyhcology on him,when he starts start questioning him back but in a polit way and ask alot of question let him do the talking and have another question ready sometimes you will get your answer.keep a eye on him to see if he only questions you faithfullness at certain times like before bed and he wants lovin or as sson as he gets home from being gone and your busy and not giving the attention he wants because he might be guilty.

angryguy77

I say we get a mob together and exterminate men from the planet...except for me of course

TXHunny84

I have a smiliar situation. My husband will act like a jealous jerk when I'm losing weight and looking good. I know he's insecure because he himself has some skin problems and he's got a skinney guy's body type so he can't really bulk up in muscle. He think's some better looking guy will come sweep me off my feet. When he's acting like a jerk-so do I!- but under normal circumstances I'd never leave. I am losing weight for my health and so I can stop struggling with my weight and show my daughters how to eat right and exercise so they won't have weight issues as I have ALWAYS had. My husband definitely likes how I look slimmer. He's seen me at 124 all the way up to 210! I can tell a difference!! He says he doesn't care about the weight and likes fat on a girl...(of course he only checks out slimmer girls) but I think he just wants me to stay chubby or fat so other men won't be interested. My weight loss is for me not other men. Having other guys notice is a total confidence booster but that's it. I'm happy with my husband I'd just like to be at the weight I was before our two kids.

Try to make your husband go on walks with you and to work out videos with you.....and cook fancy healthy meals with you... He'll feel better, will get attention from you and security that you aren't losing weight for other men.
That is what my husband and I started doing and it helped a LOT!! He still gets insecure but he's much better.

pandaeye

i know exactly where you are coming from! my husband is pleased i am loosing weight but feels i am only doing it to leave him/run off with someone else. i try to be strong (my mum has been very supportive) but when i go out he makes jokes like if you're not in bed by 10 come home or remember you are my wife and belong to me!! it is hard but keep going, we are doing this to be healthier and to feel more positive and more confident about ourselves (and my kids), well i am anyway. my husband has many issues and it would take forever to explain, he never excercises and just watches telly all evening and weekend, but dont let it get you down. together we can be strong lol. i wouldnt mind but i have never been chatted up since we met and we have been married 17 years! chance would be a fine thing! :laugh:

brnsgrsbody

Don't let him do that to you. I'm one to talk though. My husband is the same way. We have a history though...

Back in 2009 I found out he was cheating on me for like 4-5 months with my BEST FRIEND. At that time, i was like 200 lbs and had a baby 4 months prior. Come January of this year....I finally had enough of my weight issue. He HATES that I'm losing weight and looking good. He is afraid I'm going to get a lot more attention from men (which I do) and leave him. He gets pissy with me about going to the gym sometimes and he once told me that I'm "leaving him behind". He isn't in the best shape. He could lose a few lbs, but not too bad. I made the choice to get healthy...I can't MAKE him workout and eat better and that's what I told him. He knows I'm looking good and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to wear skirts to work, doesn't want me to wear certain bras except for him, etc. He has become controlling really.

Don't let your situation get to this point.

Wow your very forgiving..i dont know if I could stay with someone after them cheating..never mind that it was with your best friend!!! Thats exactly like what I said earlier. Usually someone is like that because they themselves are the cheating ones.

I didn't say I forgave him. I haven't.

I sent you a request but honestly if you haven't forgiven anyone you must move on. It''s not fair to both of you. And that ***** would be six feet under . Not literally but I would have come close.

brnsgrsbody

i know exactly where you are coming from! my husband is pleased i am loosing weight but feels i am only doing it to leave him/run off with someone else. i try to be strong (my mum has been very supportive) but when i go out he makes jokes like if you're not in bed by 10 come home or remember you are my wife and belong to me!! it is hard but keep going, we are doing this to be healthier and to feel more positive and more confident about ourselves (and my kids), well i am anyway. my husband has many issues and it would take forever to explain, he never excercises and just watches telly all evening and weekend, but dont let it get you down. together we can be strong lol. i wouldnt mind but i have never been chatted up since we met and we have been married 17 years! chance would be a fine thing! :laugh:

Wow I am glad to know I am not in this alone! It's weird I just don't get it.

brnsgrsbody

I have a smiliar situation. My husband will act like a jealous jerk when I'm losing weight and looking good. I know he's insecure because he himself has some skin problems and he's got a skinney guy's body type so he can't really bulk up in muscle. He think's some better looking guy will come sweep me off my feet. When he's acting like a jerk-so do I!- but under normal circumstances I'd never leave. I am losing weight for my health and so I can stop struggling with my weight and show my daughters how to eat right and exercise so they won't have weight issues as I have ALWAYS had. My husband definitely likes how I look slimmer. He's seen me at 124 all the way up to 210! I can tell a difference!! He says he doesn't care about the weight and likes fat on a girl...(of course he only checks out slimmer girls) but I think he just wants me to stay chubby or fat so other men won't be interested. My weight loss is for me not other men. Having other guys notice is a total confidence booster but that's it. I'm happy with my husband I'd just like to be at the weight I was before our two kids.

Try to make your husband go on walks with you and to work out videos with you.....and cook fancy healthy meals with you... He'll feel better, will get attention from you and security that you aren't losing weight for other men.
That is what my husband and I started doing and it helped a LOT!! He still gets insecure but he's much better.

Thank you so much! I did do the cooking thing tonight and I also had him do my pushup-situp routine. He like Tony Horton so some days we do P90X together. I think I have been slacking on being home and showing him attention.

ChantalGG

Is it perhaps that you are now out of his league? It happens when only one spouse makes the leap and changes. they grow apart because of it.

KBjimAZ

Allow me to interject a male, uninterested third party point of view. Your husband is not only insecure, jealous, etc. but also fearful. Unless you have serious reason to believe he is unfaithful, don't go down that road. I have been there, and it does your relationship aboslutely no good to point that finger if that is not going on. I know...."but he says..." BE THE BIGGER PERSON. Men are jerky idiots that get scared easily (though we won't admit it) and we have no idea how to communicate that fear without showing our *kitten* (figuratively). As others have said, try to involve him, try to get him interested. Most of all, sit him down and talk it all out, without making it a drama scene (and don't let him turn it into that either). Make him understand that it's self improvement you seek, invite him to join the fight. Serious reassurance from you will go a long way. Just my 2 cents, take it for what it's worth.

BrownEyedG1rl

Don't let him do that to you. I'm one to talk though. My husband is the same way. We have a history though...

Back in 2009 I found out he was cheating on me for like 4-5 months with my BEST FRIEND. At that time, i was like 200 lbs and had a baby 4 months prior. Come January of this year....I finally had enough of my weight issue. He HATES that I'm losing weight and looking good. He is afraid I'm going to get a lot more attention from men (which I do) and leave him. He gets pissy with me about going to the gym sometimes and he once told me that I'm "leaving him behind". He isn't in the best shape. He could lose a few lbs, but not too bad. I made the choice to get healthy...I can't MAKE him workout and eat better and that's what I told him. He knows I'm looking good and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want me to wear skirts to work, doesn't want me to wear certain bras except for him, etc. He has become controlling really.

Don't let your situation get to this point.

Wow your very forgiving..i dont know if I could stay with someone after them cheating..never mind that it was with your best friend!!! Thats exactly like what I said earlier. Usually someone is like that because they themselves are the cheating ones.

I didn't say I forgave him. I haven't.

I sent you a request but honestly if you haven't forgiven anyone you must move on. It''s not fair to both of you. And that ***** would be six feet under . Not literally but I would have come close.

I know, I know. How long do I give myself to learn to forgive him though??? It's been almost 2 years.

JNick77

I have been in a constant battle with my husband about being trusting and loving. He knows I could be an emotional eater if I gave into his constant questioning of my faithfulness to him. It makes me so mad because I am being faithful. He says all the time that I think I look too good and that I want guys to look at me and say something to me. ARE YOU SERIOUS? So I just walk out the house hoping someone says something to me? This is so high school and juvenille to me. I have been a person my whole life that is very confident in the skin I am in. Didn't matter if I was 215 or 155. I just don't like when people try to beat others down emotionally so I never do it to myself or to anyone else. I am so sad right now because I think that this is too much for me to handle. Spouses are suppose to love and care for you. Most men die to have a beautiful woman on their arm after three kids. I just don't get it. I am trying to force myself to eat today which is the reverse of what normally happens. HELP!!!

My signifcant other has major insecurities. I can't look at other women and definitely no strip clubs. She gets mad when some random walks buy and shoots me a smile or checks me out. Me on the other hand, I so don't even care. I wish she would look at comment on other men, at least I'd know she had a pulse. Jeez... She told me she was going ot a bachelorette party a few weeks ago and wasn't happy about, I told her to go and make sure she had enough singles. LOL