Supportive Spouse - A for Effort

JWeaser

Let me start by saying years ago I tried to loose weight the wrong way of course and had been struggling with probably way too few calories which always makes me crabby/emotional. I decided at my families Christmas dinner to splurge and have a small slice of the homemade rum cheesecake I had made. He walks in, sees this, shakes his head and says, all that hard work totally gone. Needless to say, the rest of the slice went into the trash and I cried in the bathroom for 20 minutes. I love my husband dearly but he is also over weight and makes no effort to change anything so this comment from him stung twice as bad.

So fast forward to today. I lost 7 pounds before I joined MFP and 19 since. While I am certainly not "thin" I am thinNER. I walk into the room wearing jeans that haven't been worn in years and a T-Shirt. He says, " Is that a new shirt?" "No" I tell him, "Had it for years, shouldn't have been wearing it for the past 2." He says, "I really like your outfit." I scrunched my eyebrows at him and clarify, "It's jeans and a T-shirt" with a clearly confused look on my face. He says, "I didn't say it was fancy, I just like it." (FYI, he is not a complimentor it's something I've adjusted to after 12 years of marriage.) I said, "It isn't the outfit you like, it's that I am thinner in it." The realization showed on his face but he tried to cover, "No, I am pretty sure it's the outfit.... Well I have to go to work. Bye" I laughed for 10 minutes after he left.
I am hoping he will see the difference in me and want to make changes himself but I am not holding my breath...

ItsTerriC

Awww, that is so sweet. I love it when a man who is uncomfortable giving compliments does so without even realizing it. I bet his face stayed red for hours. But, I bet he's been smiling a lot more today too.

mom111997

You know the old saying "Clothes don't make the man"? Well, honey - you are living proof of that! You've lost that weight and are feeling better about yourself, so you are wearing your clothes differently now. Your chin is up, your head is held high, and you are proud of the fact that your shirt is too big now. Of course it shows! Men are a different beast - he knows it isn't the clothes that are different, but he doesn't want to admit that he needs to lose weight as well, so he'd just going to say the clothes are the reason, not your weight loss.

I know I went all Dr. Phil on you, but take it for what it is. It's a compliment and you should be proud!

netgirl224

I think our husbands might very well be twins - but I say revel in that compliment! You've earned it!

stangma

If he thinks the jeans and t-shirt look good - just wait till he gets a load of you in a new NIGHTIE !!!

cskalaj

Yeah, it can be frustrating on both fronts. My boyfriend and I both had lost some weight shortly before meeting, and that was an awesome commonality we had when we met. We both have more we want to lose (I have about 25 before I'm no longer "overweight" and he wants to lose 30, but will still be a good 10 pounds into the "obese" category...if you really go by BMI). Anyway, we both kind of leveled out for the first few months we were dating, but recently decided to lose weight "together"...each with a goal of 30 pounds. I know that guys can eat more than girls and that he naturally has more calories to burn just to live, but I get SO frustrated when I see/hear about him consuming a ton more in senseless calories (beit from a drink with sugar or just a bad food choice) if I've been trying hard and I also get frustrated trying to eat in front of him (he eats more in the morning and I eat more at night, so since we only see each other at night, he always sees me eating the more or the same portion-wise as him) and even though I understand the frustration and struggle with weight loss, for some reason, I feel like I hold him to a higher standard. Maybe because he has more to lose to be "healthy"...maybe because so far, I'm losing more than he is (we've been really at this for about 6 weeks now) but either way, I don't know how to deal. Neither of us actually SAY anything to one another and we love each other as we are, but I don't know how to be supportive without also being critical. Help!

JWeaser

Thanks everyone! Netgirl, your post really made me laugh. I am sure our two are not the only ones.

Cj, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I am still fighting that battle myself. If I make a casserole or something (usually tatertot casserole is the biggest offender) he will bury his dinner plate with "one" helping, which is really more like 4-5 servings. When he gets up to get more I have to take a deep breath and all I can manage to say that I know wont hurt his feelings is "You eat more and you will make yourself sick" to which he usually responds with, "Yeah I know but it tastes so good." My ears will actually burn red this makes me so mad for several reasons. 1. It's disgusting. 2. A casserole that should've fed the whole family for days is going to last one. 3. He KNOWS he will regret it and does it anyways.
I have to remind myself that the reason I am successful this time in my weight loss journey is because I was ready, mentally, physically, emotionally to make whatever changes were necessary. He isn't there yet and I can only hope that he will get there soon. Unfortunately, I have to treat this situation with him like I would my kids. The more I push one way, the more he pulls the other.

JWeaser

If he thinks the jeans and t-shirt look good - just wait till he gets a load of you in a new NIGHTIE !!!

I am fighting the temptation to buy new clothes just yet. I want to loose a minimum of another 15 pounds. I am hoping for an eyepopping response. haha! Love your name too. My first car was a 68 Mustang I rebuilt with my dad. I miss that car but now I have a 68 GTO that is my baby.