Marriage Rut

memaw66

How do you get out of a marriage rut?? My husband and I have been married for 16 years and I love him dearly but lately it just seems like we are in a serious rut and I don't know what to do about it.
It seems like, no it's true, all we do together is eat and sleep and we don't eat healthy at that!!!!
He stays with his mom during the week to cut down on the cost of gas because he works an hour away from home but only 5 mins from his mom's house. So we talk on the phone once a day for maybe 5 minutes. Then on the weekend when he is home, we don't carry on a conversation. It might be a sentence here and there but that's it. And you can forget about intimacy, there's even less of that! When I mentioned this to him yesterday he got upset and asked me what I was trying to get at. I told him I was just making an observation and statement and he said he didn't like that statement. But he doesn't have any suggestions to make it any better. So I cried myself to sleep last night.
Anyone have any suggestions????? Please help.

Thanks for letting me vent!
Memaw

memaw66

How do you get out of a marriage rut?? My husband and I have been married for 16 years and I love him dearly but lately it just seems like we are in a serious rut and I don't know what to do about it.
It seems like, no it's true, all we do together is eat and sleep and we don't eat healthy at that!!!!
He stays with his mom during the week to cut down on the cost of gas because he works an hour away from home but only 5 mins from his mom's house. So we talk on the phone once a day for maybe 5 minutes. Then on the weekend when he is home, we don't carry on a conversation. It might be a sentence here and there but that's it. And you can forget about intimacy, there's even less of that! When I mentioned this to him yesterday he got upset and asked me what I was trying to get at. I told him I was just making an observation and statement and he said he didn't like that statement. But he doesn't have any suggestions to make it any better. So I cried myself to sleep last night.
Anyone have any suggestions????? Please help.

Thanks for letting me vent!
Memaw

kimber607

Hi

((HUGS))
It's tough....and I've 'only' been married 9 years
You get in a rut and you are so exhausted, tired and stressed from kids, work, money etc
I know saving gas is important but I think you guys need to connect more and him being away monday-friday is not a good idea
TRY and forget about what's going on now (easy to hold a grudge, feel sad/sensitive, when he doesn't treat you how you want to be treated)
Instead of walking to him about it (which doesn't always work best for guys) focus on how you want to be treated and how you want your relationship to be...start doing nice things for him and planning a date night or alone/quality time in the house together....hopefully he will reciprocate (well at least that's the plan)

Kim

jojo52610

I went through the same thing - we spoke but only about the kids sports -nothing about us we ate we were together but really not together -

so now we go to lunch once in a while together - I'll say hey wanna go for a walk - you have to re-connect emotionaly and then the intimacy peice will improve on it's own

ericarey85

there is a movie that just came out in theaters called Fireproof, i recommend all couples to go and watch it together, then go to walmart and buy the book called The Love Dare, its like $8. it really is a Love Dare, its a 40 day guide on improving your relationship, it is a christian based book though, but if you are not christian, its okay just ignore the bottom of the pages where it gives bible passages for you to read out of your bible. it is a really good book, Fireproof is actually based on the book.

fatgottago

I am by no means one to give advice, my marriage is on the rocks so bad, but I am working on it and I will tell you about it later...

First off, he must stop staying at his Mom's, just to save gas. If you want your marriage to work, then spend the money on gas, if he is not home then you will get used to being alone and it will continue to drift apart.

Second, GO WATCH FIREPROOF!!!! I went Saturday and was crying the entire movie!!!! It will change your life, it did mind. I bought the book Love Dare and I am currently doing it on my husband (he does not know) I hope it will change our marriage. www.fireproofthemovie.com

I don't know if I helped or not, but it takes two to make it work, if you are the one giving and he is not then you must start COMMUNICATING!!!!!!!\

I hope it gets better :flowerforyou:

tanzmamma

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*!

But that's just what I'd do LMAO!

I hope things get better for you!

johnsscarlett

I'm kind of in a similar situation in as far as my husbands' job is in another city and he is gone from M-F. We have been married for over 36 years and most of our marriage has been like this with him traveling for work. We talk to each other once a day for just a few minute too. My problem is I get used to not having to fix dinner and when he comes home on the weekend I really don't feel like cooking. I'd like to go out to eat but he has been eating out all week and the last thing he wants to do is go out but we do at least one of the days he is home. I have to admit though he kind of spoils me. We really enjoy watching movies or tv shows together. Since we don't have the same taste if we find something we both like I call it a date night! Friday night he watched "P.S I love you" with me. He actually liked it.

Marriage is hard work! :grumble: I always like to say the first 12 years were the hardest. :drinker: My advice would be to just communicate. I have found that this is at the top of my list of importance in a marriage. It is huge. Also life comes in cycles and this to shall pass. Good luck!

gmpearse

Going on 13 years and can appreciate whats going on. My suggestion would be to have him drive the hour at least half the week so he can be home with you the majority of the time. Maybe trade in your vehicle for a fuel efficient one. Ask him on a date. Money is a big issue in any marriage. Try having a picinic on the living room floor with candles and cheesy music. Speaking from personal experience having gone through a very familiar rut recently myself, my hubby was so stressed about finances that he couldn't think about anything else. I cried, I yelled, I threatened, I blamed myself, and I blamed him. In the end I emailed him. I asked him if his friend complained that he had a wife who wouldn't talk to him or have sex with him what advice would he give that friend. What advice would he give me. It no longer was about me complaining that he wasn't doing one more thing right it became about me, his friend, wanting to talk to him again. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

Anna_Banana

You need to make sure you guys plan time for yourself, No Kids. Also during the week you could send him a "suggestive" love note telling him what you would like to have done or would like to do to him, then on the weekend make sure to set up some time to do that. It could be some thing as simple as a back rub. You could also plan some special meals for when he is home.

I've been married for 15 years and we try to work on our marriage first and then the kids come second, because if all you worry about is the kids, when they are gone you won't have a marriage left.

memaw66

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

memaw66

Our kids are grown, so no need to find a sitter. I like sitting outside listening to the birds and watching the deer in our yard, he likes sitting in front of the t.v. with a bag a chips! We just don't seem to have anything in common any more and I am really really sad about it. I know he loves me but I just don't feel like he is IN LOVE any more. I feel like I am more like a comfy pair of shoes, just to be worn around the house and no where else because I'm not all bright and shiny! Does that make sense?

Memaw

yoginimary

You know how we all have our "goals"? Working out 6x a week, breakfast every day, etc? One of our goals is 30 minutes of "couch time" every night. We spend 30 minutes on the couch together each night, just talking. We also eat dinner together - with no other distractions.
While, I don't presume to know anything about your private life - the bedroom should be used for only two things - sleeping and sex. If you have a tv. in there, get rid of it.
My 2 cents worth.

memaw66

You know how we all have our "goals"? Working out 6x a week, breakfast every day, etc? One of our goals is 30 minutes of "couch time" every night. We spend 30 minutes on the couch together each night, just talking. We also eat dinner together - with no other distractions.
While, I don't presume to know anything about your private life - the bedroom should be used for only two things - sleeping and sex. If you have a tv. in there, get rid of it.
My 2 cents worth.

We do have a tv in the bedroom but it's only turned on during the week when he is gone. Trust me, our bed is only used for one thing, SLEEPING! That's all we do together, eat and sleep!

ericarey85

I am TELLING you WATCH Fireproof. it will HELP then buy the book called the Love Dare and do it on him. :flowerforyou:

ericarey85

Second, GO WATCH FIREPROOF!!!! I went Saturday and was crying the entire movie!!!! It will change your life, it did mind. I bought the book Love Dare and I am currently doing it on my husband (he does not know) I hope it will change our marriage. www.fireproofthemovie.com

what day are you on :flowerforyou:

JennyBanker

Have you looked into moving closer to his job? You both have to reconnect. Find someone to watch the kids and maybe surprise him at his moms and take him out for dinner, even if it is wendys. lol Tell him how much you love him, how much you appriciate everything he does. Hug him, keep close and give him lot of kisses. My husband is oblivious to when we get into a rut and it takes me to get us put of it. Good luck!

memaw66

Have you looked into moving closer to his job? You both have to reconnect. Find someone to watch the kids and maybe surprise him at his moms and take him out for dinner, even if it is wendys. lol Tell him how much you love him, how much you appriciate everything he does. Hug him, keep close and give him lot of kisses. My husband is oblivious to when we get into a rut and it takes me to get us put of it. Good luck!

We just had our house built, moving is not an option. I am thinking of writing him a letter. That's usually the only way to get through to him because he hates it when I cry and I know I can't talk about this with him without the water works. I don't know if I should give him time and see if he tries to work on it since I have told him how I feel already.

eyescatchfire

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. But I firmly believe that is all it is--a rough patch. Everybody goes through it, whether you've been married one year or fifty. I think that you do have to make each other a priority--what about, instead of spending 5 days a week at his mom, he spends 3--he stays home Monday and Friday? Still saves gas, but still has time to spend with you during the week as well.

I'm not sure of the situation when you brought up your feelings--was it tense already? I always bring up my problems at the wrong times, like when he's just worked a 12 hour day or whatever. Maybe ask him to come home ready to talk about the relationship--but make it clear that your marriage isn't in danger (that's what it sounded like to me, when he said "what are you getting at?") Tell him you love him so much, but the way you spend your time together isn't as fulfilling as it could be. I bet he'll be willing to try whatever you suggest to keep you happy.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

memaw66

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch. But I firmly believe that is all it is--a rough patch. Everybody goes through it, whether you've been married one year or fifty. I think that you do have to make each other a priority--what about, instead of spending 5 days a week at his mom, he spends 3--he stays home Monday and Friday? Still saves gas, but still has time to spend with you during the week as well.

I'm not sure of the situation when you brought up your feelings--was it tense already? I always bring up my problems at the wrong times, like when he's just worked a 12 hour day or whatever. Maybe ask him to come home ready to talk about the relationship--but make it clear that your marriage isn't in danger (that's what it sounded like to me, when he said "what are you getting at?") Tell him you love him so much, but the way you spend your time together isn't as fulfilling as it could be. I bet he'll be willing to try whatever you suggest to keep you happy.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

I brought it up when we were out eating AGAIN. I saw all the couples there just talking away and we were sitting in silence. I said "You know, all we do together is Eat and Sleep and we never talk any more" I don't know of a "right" time to bring it up.

dothompson

Surprise him on the weekend home with some ummmmmmmmmm ................. SPICE

Find a sitter for the kids for the evening, make a romantic dinner, and attack his *kitten*! I tried that, and it didn't work, literally! :sad:

This is very serious.

Honestly, the last thing men want to do is talk about these things, and that's often why it takes so long to improve things because that's what women want, but if he's got a wall built against ummmmm then there is a problem and you need to find out what it is. He's mad, has his feelings hurt, is depressed or something and if you're truly honest maybe you already know what it is,??? If not you're going to have to play Nancy Drew girl detective and find out what's bugging him.

This weekend try to take as much pressure off the two of you as possible. Try to get as many chores out of the way as possible this week. Don't attack him with whatever problems are going on as soon as he gets home. Try to plan some relaxing fun time, that he will enjoy. Make sure you're touching. Sleep close, sit next to him on the couch, grab his hand when you're walking, kiss before either of you leave the house, soon you'll be doing other close touching. Give him 3 sincere complements every day.

Don't set your expectations too high, this didn't get messed up overnight and it won't get fixed overnight either.