Confidence

MissConfidence

Not sure if some people are doomed to have low self esteem and no confidence or if it's something that can be worked on...

I'm definitely making changes in my life to be healthier and lose weight, but even as I lose the weight and am getting healthier, I don't feel very confident when I go out in public. My hubby tells me I look great all the time and says I simply need to lose weight to be healthier, not because I look "fat" or "gross." I'm short (5'1) and about 160#. And frankly, while I know I'm over-weight, I don't "feel gross" or think I look THAT bad - it's just when I go out the way I act is so self conscious: I'm constantly feeling like people are starring at me and are disgusted or are laughing at me or talking about me, or when I go shopping I feel like people are looking and judging whether or not I should be buying that... Or when I eat in public, I get really nervous and shy and look around to see who's watching me because I feel someone is...

I really want to stop feeling like this. I'm envious of people who are oblivious to others and just do their thing without caring what people think or are looking at. I don't know how to get out of this dumpy feeling. Not sure that losing weight will necessarily make me feel more confident, I think it's just my messed up personality that's uber-sensitive.

Anyway, any advice is welcome. I really would love some insights to help me get through this. While I am sensitive, I guess some harsh feedback would be good for me because as I write this I'm feeling like the reason I am so self conscious is because I'm self-involved... Does that make sense?

chevy88grl

Honestly? I think you're worrying too much. Most people are too involved in what they are eating, buying, etc to care about what you're doing. Trust me. Humans are, as a rule, pretty self involved and most people don't give a hoot about what others do - unless they're drawing attention to themselves.

Try not to worry so much. If someone happens to glance at you or looks at you - it may not be in judgment at all. They may like your shirt, hair or maybe they even wish they were thin like you, or whatever.

Try and relax. You'll drive yourself crazy with the anxiety.

cpratt55

It makes complete sense to me and I would love to hear the responses. I am 55 years old and have been overweight since my late 20's. I have gone through the low self esteem thing all my life. I, too, feel like I am being laughed at or looked at by everyone.

MrBrown72

Confidence is built through achievement and rebounding from failure. When it comes to eating or just being in public just tell yourself that they are checking out your chest, not judging you.

kelika71

Everyone is different but I'd say keep working on yourself and just trying. That's what I did. When I started on MFP a little over a year ago, I wouldn't even put up a photo of myself. God forbid, I wrote in the forums!! I almost never posted. I hated going places because I felt like all eyes were on me and scrutinizing me. Everyone told me not to worry and such...doesn't work for someone who's extremely shy and a hermit.
But, with losing weight and getting in better shape, friends helping to build my esteem with their compliments, I've come a long way. Yeah, I still revert back to being a shy hermit but not as much.

Keep at this, keep trying with baby steps and you'll get there. It took me some months (like 8?) to start coming out of my shell. You'll get there, too.

photorific

I think confidence comes as you break more out of your shell and try things that *gasp* you might not succeed at or get your desired outcome from. I say this because I've always been self-conscious, and struggle with confidence - and (for me) most of it stems from a fear of failure or perfectionist mentality (I'm hyper-critical of most everything). A good example of this is that I hate hearing myself speak, and I hate being the center of attention (it means people are looking at my imperfect body). I was asked last minute by a good friend to get up and speak (pre-written script). *SAY WHA?!?* But, I'm also one who will sacrifice self in the name of service, so OK... I'll do it. I did it, and had about half a dozen people come up and tell me what a fantastic speaking voice I have. Same thing with a client who told me I have a great phone presence... I HATE the phone!

Anyways - the [shorter] moral of these stories is to break out of your shell - it will suck and you'll be really uncomfortable - but when the outcome (whether it's the one you wanted or not) is not so horrible after all, you'll be really proud that you did it, and the more times you're able to do this, the more your confidence will grow! Now go get 'em, tiger! :bigsmile:

justavoice1989

i know that its hard to change the way you feel about yourself in public. i can be soooo comfortable at home then i go out and i constantly compare myself to the thinner girls or comment to my bf "oh look at her... i want her body" he hates when i do that.....
BUT FOR STARTERS maybe change your username? i know miss loser is probably meant by "losing weight" but it has more than one meaning. maybe try something a bit more cheery with the same meaning? like... miss success. or miss lookin' good! lol=] might help when you see that and have a constant reminder.

as far as public goes....... i can only think of saying, know that you are beautiful. KNOW THIS. your man knows it. you need to also. =]
hope i sorta helped.... even if its a little =]

Koalaboo

I agree with the first response -- we are ALL pretty self-involved. However, I've experienced a LOT of what you've described. As cliche as it sounds, I think it just takes time... lots of it. I am way better today about this sort of thing than I was about ten years ago. It's really difficult, and the anxiety it creates is unreal. Try to just distract yourself with what you're doing (grocery shopping, etc) and try not to even pay attention to the people around you when you're in public (except for when you're driving or something like that, haha)... It's easier said than done, but like most anything else, the more you do it the easier it gets.

pauterson

I pulled myself away from being self-conscious by changing my thoughts. It takes some practice forsure but when you realize you're feeling a certain way or telling (thinking) something that is sabatoging, stop your thoughts and think of somethign else. Think of where you want to be and pretend you're already there. If you're uncomfortable with eating, dig deep and try to figure out where that feeling is coming from and change it. Practice going out into public and being proud of eating something... start with a salad and work your way up to a "reward" meal of a frozen yogurt after a workout.

I also started taking photos of myself on days that I feel good. That way when I'm having a day that I'm particularly being hard on myself and can't seem to switch it to "off" I pull out the photos and remind myself the things I've accomplished.

Be nice to yourself, it's really the only thing that matters. Besides - what's the point in beating yourself? It's pure sabatoge - there's plenty of people out there to do that for you.

lbetancourt

Honestly, I get where you are coming from... but... you are going to have to get yourself out of this negative bull$**** and maybe quit feeling sorry for yourself. Change that negative profile name... really?? "missloser". F' that! Yeah, you may have not taken care of yourself in the past but you are now. So be proud about that. GIve yourself some credit!!

You really have to focus on the positive things in your life. It's no easy task, believe me I know. I have been there. But, sometimes, I think we like being miserable for some ridiculous reason. Spend some time in a self-help aisle at your bookstore and pick up some books about confidence, try talking to a counselor or friends that are positive, sign up for a daily email that delivers positive messages to remind you to get out of that negative rut, stick positive post-its about yourself on your bathroom mirror to remind yourself to LOVE YOU for YOU!! Do it because you are worth it! And, do it now!

And, sorry, people will always criticize you.. that's a fact of life. Get over it.

Peace!

"Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control." -Richard Kline

"When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt." -Honore de Balzac

Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend." -Lao Tzu

getnfitn2011

I think you need to to know that your life is a treasure and the very breath you breathe is a gift! You are an amazing creation and worthy of every good thing!!! People will think what they will and say what they want but it shouldn't change your inner belief of who you are!!! I hope I don't sound harsh only wanted to stress that your life is a beautiful gift and you matter!!!
Blessings,
Misty

MissConfidence

Thank you. It wasn't easy writing this post and I really appreciate everyone for reaching out like this. Maybe it's self pity like someone said, maybe it's something many of us feel - whatever it is, it's a crap feeling but I know it can be better if I try. For starters, I'll follow one easy enough criticism and change my username. I'm a believer in baby steps...

Jessica5000

Hi, I can relate a bit. I"m always worring about what other people think or I did. But you know what, no one cares about you and what you are doing. Everyone is so worried about themselves, they don't have the time to think about you, a total stranger. If you just relax, you will enjoy life more. Take a breath and enjoy your life, you only get one.

MrBrown72

Thank you. It wasn't easy writing this post and I really appreciate everyone for reaching out like this. Maybe it's self pity like someone said, maybe it's something many of us feel - whatever it is, it's a crap feeling but I know it can be better if I try. For starters, I'll follow one easy enough criticism and change my username. I'm a believer in baby steps...

You'll do fine.
I can understand some of where you're coming from. When I gained weight I felt I had failed myself and that everyone who saw me could see my failure and shame. Part of moving forward was being willing to show off my progress, determination, and success. I hope some of us here have helped you with yours.

helenium

From my experience. Self-esteem is not inversely proportional to weight, it's completely independent of it. Some people get the wrong idea and think self-esteem gets better as they lose weight - and try to drop to unhealthy levels when it doesn't attack the route of the problem.

Self-esteem is attainable but it takes a positive change in the mind rather than an actual bodily change. Some people naturally get that confidence when they lose weight, others have to work for it.

I had CBT for anxiety-related issues a while back and - although it wasn't tremendously successful - I have learned some anxiety coping mechanisms. The first thing I had to realise was that it IS a valid, natural response to what I perceived to be a threatening situation (e.g. dance class with 10 other thin girls). I was taught that the worst thing I could possibly do from the situation is walk out or avoid it altogether. This compounds the fear in exchange for short-term relief and it gets worse next time (this is how phobias develop, for example). The more I expose myself to anxiety-inducing situations, and the more times I ride out the anxiety all the way through, the easier it'll get the next time.

Hope that helps... my therapist put it better...