(VENT) Why do men have to look and lust ALL THE TIME?????

That_Girl

Uh, my husband doesn't even go online so it's not "men", it's your man. My husband doesn't make a point to make me know he's looking at other women. It's rude and he knows it.

If this is how he is, it won't get better. Go find a man that treats you right. But first, work on yourself and get some self-esteem. You will never be treated right until you love yourself first. It shouldn't matter if you weigh 300 or 100 pounds.

yankeefamily05

I have been in your situation before. Granted, I agree that everyone looks. But if he is truly disrespecting you, you have to dump him and move on! You will be surprised how much stronger you get when you do so! It is hard, but do it for you! Do you really want to live your life with uncertainity?

rhodes2b

Roaming eyes shouldn't be really an issue as long as he notices you just as much and even more! Attraction is part of being human.

bigdawg025

I think there's a happy medium somewhere in here. Is he REALLY looking "all the time", or does it just seem that way to you because of your own insecurities?

I agree with the majority here... everyone looks. It's human nature. It doesn't mean we're going to try and get in bed with them... get their numbers... etc. if we (men) are in the relationship with you (women). Granted, there's a fine line here between what's normal and what's truly disrespectful.

I hope you are able to talk it out... and figure things out. If it means ending the relationship then it's probably the best for your own well-being if it heads in that direction.

For the person who said, "My man has NEVER checked out or looked at another woman", you are very naive. My ex-wife used to get jealous over ACTRESSES ON TELEVISION! Hence... we were divorced over 13 years ago!

I could write an entire blog about this stuff I'm reading on the boards tonight...

binary_jester

Sorry...but this seems fairly simple. Talk to him openly and honestly. Leave nothing out. Facebook (whose importance seems to have been blown completely out of proportion in terms of society) and in general. Tell him in no uncertain terms what you expect.
If he says he doesn't want to live with that, then you need to decide if the relationship is worth it. If you decide to stay, you need to deal with it because you made that decision. If he leaves, then was the relationship that meaningful to him?

If you go into a relationship expecting someone to change for any reason, that relationship is doomed to fail. I would never go into one expecting someone to change. Perhaps you though it would change as you got thinner. But as you got thinner, his habits never changed. It is because that is who he is.

Guys look. As many women say, so do they. If I see some girl in tight shorts walking by and my eyes drift, that does not mean I want to sleep with her. It can be the same if someone drives a car by and our eyes follow that also.

These threads amuse me. Not because of the situation, but because you most really know the answer. They may just not like it.

bunchesonothing

For the person who said, "My man has NEVER checked out or looked at another woman", you are very naive. My ex-wife used to get jealous over ACTRESSES ON TELEVISION! Hence... we were divorced over 13 years ago!

I could write an entire blog about this stuff I'm reading on the boards tonight...

Agreed. It is possible that he never looks. It's also VERY possible that you just haven't caught him looking or haven't noticed. I actually prefer to see him looking. It means he's probably the same when I'm around and when I'm not.

If my hubby, or any other man didn't look at attractive women... it would seem strange to me. I'm not talking about gawking and I'm not talking about constantly....

bunchesonothing

Also, facebook is a little different. Is he talking to these girls and crossing other boundaries? Looking at pics is one thing, crossing other boundaries is another. There are PLENTY of free naughty pics online. You do not need to seek them out on facebook.

I do believe that at least 99.99% of people look. It may not be often, but it may take quite a looker(you) to catch their attention.

However, I do not believe that all men will do it to the point of ridiculousness and the point of hurting their wives(if they can help it.) Some people are incredibly sensitive though, and it doesn't take much to set them off.

DeviantDarkwolf2

It is one thing to appreciate a beautiful person it is another thing to add these people on FB. You are in a relationship and I suppose everyone's interpretation of that is different. But to me you are a partnership and respect and love needs to be felt both ways. Guys and girls that knowingly hurt their spouse shows to me that they don't respect or love that person. Also the biggest key in any relationship is communication, if you are not heard don't expect things to change! Another thing I have learnt is if you allow things to happen you cannot expect that person to change either, people will do what you allow them to. Set the boundaries that you are both comfortable with. All of us have issues in one form or another, but you hope that the person closest to you understands those issues and helps you not hurts you more or creates more for you. I say put your foot down tell him you are not going to allow it, but most of all please don't change your appearances for anyone but yourself!!!!

i_love_vinegar

Oh I'm the first to admit...I'm very insecure!!!! and im not bashing all men either...but I'm sure alot are like this.

At (a beautiful mind you )31 years old, I am assuming this is not your first relationship where you haven't received the treatment from a man you had hoped for. Please correct me if my assumption is incorrect.

From a perspective where one is used to the above treatment from most likely the time they were a teenager up until their early thirties, it is understandable to expect experience = reality.

However, I think maybe you are attracting the wrong kind of men. Granted, I am only 21, but I have never experienced a lot of what many women complain about. The men who chase after me typically will jump through hoops and back for me, they tend to be the kind of man most women want.

I think your last statement pointed out exactly WHY you are attracting the wrong kind of men -- You most likely put out an insecure vibe. Insecurity has a negative vibe, and negativity attracts bad.

I recommend working on yourself, then seeing the kind of men you draw, before assuming most men act this way.

_beachgirl_

These threads amuse me. Not because of the situation, but because you most really know the answer. They may just not like it.

I agree totally!

Swimgoddess

I'm all for giving genetic blessings and evidence of hard work an appreciative eye in IRL situations (as I discussed in the men are pigs thread), but...

If you're guy doesn't already know these girls IRL that he's adding on FB, that's just really kinda creepy/sad/weird/loser behavior. Just straight-up pathetic.

LMAO! This thread just reminded me that it's been awhile since I've watched the "Duck Face" YouTube clip!!!

brattyworm

gonna throw in my two cents on this one.

Talking with him heart to heart or whatever is important.

My husband and I have dealt with this before. Mainly for two reasons we dealt with it. One I'm not as attractive to as I used to be due to the weight. Yes this hurts my feelings hearing it. Does it change the fact that we love each other, nope. He's not going anywhere and neither am I (proof is in the 12 years we've been together). The other reason is mine is military and is gone a lot. That's not an excuse, its just a fact.

Now what we agreed on to alleviate the jealousy and the hurt feelings. (and this I know is really personal to be putting on a public forum) But we agreed he is allowed to look at girls clothed or unclothed. He can even chat with them. He can't add them on fb or any other site. He can't call them and he has to let me know about them. And that goes both ways actually. Honesty is where it is. If you trust him and he trusts you and you both respect each other it works, well it works for us.

Mine doesn't usually look at them when we're together, as far as if we are out and some chick walks by, unless there's something to laugh at about her, he doesn't look or comment.

Also, we watch stuff together to assist in mood enhancing (that's as PC as I can make it on here). That helps put him in the mood and gives me an idea on how to respond to him to make things better for us.

You both have to be willing to compromise and work on it. Its not an easy process nor will it fix itself.

So that's my opinion and good luck with your relationship.

brewingaz

Now I'm insecure about being a man because of the complex all the women in MFP are giving me about how bad we are and how piggish we are. Someone please hug me.

brattyworm

Now I'm insecure about being a man because of the complex all the women in MFP are giving me about how bad we are and how piggish we are. Someone please hug me.

hugs... not all women think men are pigs. :flowerforyou:

SunLovin1

For the person who said, "My man has NEVER checked out or looked at another woman", you are very naive.

I just don't believe that men OR women never check out attractive people. We all notice. The difference is that some people act on it and others don't. Some are more overt about it and others try to mask it.

Personally, I agree with the poster that said it's one thing to check out a hottie walking down the street. It's quite another to friend them on Facebook just to ogle (or worse).

SunLovin1

Now I'm insecure about being a man because of the complex all the women in MFP are giving me about how bad we are and how piggish we are. Someone please hug me.

*hugs you*

Men are awesome!

Jennjenn1974

I think this situation depends on what he does after he "adds" these other women. Is he engaging them in any sort of conversation? Guys look. It's what they do. Hell, we do as well. It's what happens after he adds them that counts. If he is having any sort of conversation with them, do you know about it? Or does he say "I talked to so and so" and give you and edited version of the conversation? Or does he hide it all together?

In the grand scheme of things all you can do is make your feelings known in a non-confrontational way. Which means you calmly explain to him how it makes you feel what he does this. It is then up to him to decide wether or not your feeling matter to him. If he continues to do what he has been doing then there is your answer and you may need to re-evaluate your relationship.

sweebum

Uhm, if this is your husband, he has no business doing that. why would he add those women?

And it doesn't matter how skinny, pretty, nice, whatever. A cheater is a cheater. If looks mattered that much, hollywood people would stay married forever People who cheat do so to try and fix THEIR insecurity, not yours.

:flowerforyou:

ceebs9

1) Not all men are pigs. In fact, most aren't.

2) Yes, people usually check out attractive members of the opposite sex. I sure as hell do, and I have no problems when my husband notices an attractive woman. Sometimes I'll point them out to him.

3) One's own insecurities may blow things out of proportion.

4) Adding only scantily clad women to FB is just creepy.

binary_jester

Uhm, if this is your husband, he has no business doing that. why would he add those women?

And it doesn't matter how skinny, pretty, nice, whatever. A cheater is a cheater. If looks mattered that much, hollywood people would stay married forever People who cheat do so to try and fix THEIR insecurity, not yours.

:flowerforyou:

I have TONS of attractive friends on FB and my SO is completely ok with it. So perhaps your husband has no "business" doing that within the confines of your marriage, but to say what's right or wrong in other relationships is really not your place.

skinnywithin

this just made me think of something someone said to me years ago and this came from a very old wise person whom I adored....

Grampa said.....Men are like dogs so remember the term " HAVE NUTS ..WILL TRAVEL" LOL he had a way with words !

Sorry to hear of the wondering eyes but its normal, just make sure the hands dont wonder ! MAYBE he is getting jealous of your weight loss and MAYBE your are getting the attention from someone else so he is going to make you jealous ! Men do wierd **** sometimes, thier brain simply doesnt function like ours ! Girl live for yourself and love will follow ! It may not be him but when you are true and secure with who you are love will follow its like magnet ! Good luck sweetie !

LaDiablesse

I was in the same type of situation. It is true that we all look. It didn't seem to matter how much I said it hurt me, nothing changed. It took him talking to a friend of his for him to understand. All the friend said to him was, "Do you love her?" He responded with "Yes". "Does it hurt her?" Again, he responded with "Yes." "Then you need to stop doing it regardless of your thoughts or feelings on it." It took a little bit of time, but it did stop.

PeachyKeene

Whether your boyfriend or husband is right or wrong by looking or being friends with these girls really isn't the issue. The issue is you are hurt by what he does. A person that loves you will not want to hurt you and would definately respect your wish to delete or not accept friend request or request these girls as friends. You have told him it hurts, right?! My husband use to stare other women down right in my face, walking by my side. I understand we all look, but he looked with hungry eyes and he never looked at me with those hungry eyes anymore. If you know what I mean. It took 15 years for me to tell him exactly how I felt about it. But, after I did he has stopped or at least when I am around. You should let him know exactly how you feel.

binary_jester

I was in the same type of situation. It is true that we all look. It didn't seem to matter how much I said it hurt me, nothing changed. It took him talking to a friend of his for him to understand. All the friend said to him was, "Do you love her?" He responded with "Yes". "Does it hurt her?" Again, he responded with "Yes." "Then you need to stop doing it regardless of your thoughts or feelings on it." It took a little bit of time, but it did stop.

That's awesome. The skeptic in me says he is more careful. The other side of me says it is unfair to make assumptions. Regardless it is gratifying to hear someone make an effort for the sake of a relationship.

mikeyrp

Firstly - I know not all men are pigs because I know I'm not. I've never cheated on anyone, ever, through choice and through good times and bad... and I'm 35 years old so I've had enough experience to know this isn't just youthful optimism.

Secondly - there is a big difference between looking and lusting... It is normal to notice attractive men/women - its basic human instinct. And you know what - its normal to flirt with people you find attractive too - most of us have moments of insecurity and its nice to have the occasional ego boost. What's important is knowing up front that you have a line you don't want to cross - for me that line is any kind of (sexual) physical contact. Its also very important that that line is drawn up early in a conversation/relationship.

Most importantly - no double standards - if I felt I would be uncomfortable with my wife doing anything I did - I shouldn't be doing it!


Finally - if your partner is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable there is a correct way to approach it... use the following form: "When you behave like XXXX it makes me feel like YYYY because ZZZZ".

This is not as simple as it sounds. XXXX is about a behaviour - its never a criticism of a person. YYYY is simple - you know how it makes you feel, but ZZZZ you need to think about. Sometimes you realise that the reasoning is irrational. Sometimes you realise it makes perfect sense - but only because of who you are and your experiences - and the only way your partner will understand is if you tell them. And sometimes you are being completely reasonable and your partner should know better

The only expectation of your partner should be that they listen to what you say and understand it. Don't ask them to modify their behaviour - just to acknowledge how it makes you feel and why. get them to rephrase it in their own words.

The desired result is that you understand each other better, and, because you love each other, that drives the changes in your behaviour. Maybe you wouldn't care about him looking if he paid you more attention? Maybe he wouldn't be friending people on facebook if when you (both) saw on attractive girl on the street you were able to talk together about how attractive she was - (and this is his way of rebelling against repressing this). Maybe he really is a **** and you are better off out? Only talking about things in this way will help you discover the answer.


And - at the risk of being accused of looking and lusting - you look lovely in your pictures - he's a lucky guy to have you and don't you forget it,

LorinaLynn

Adding them on FB to check out their pics is squicky. Not to mention a big time virus risk. (Computer, not venereal. :laugh: )

I have no issue at all with my husband checking out Maxim or Playboy (I got him a free subscription, but he hasn't even opened them. Doesn't like the magazine!) or Hawtness.com or whatever other goofy sites he likes. I'm not going to be intimidated by pixels. I see no difference between him gawking at hot chicks vs gawking at, for example, a sports car. He can appreciate it without feeling a need to possess it. Same as me lusting over a Victorian mansion. I appreciate the craftsmanship, but I'm not going to ditch my house for it.

People will look at things they find visually appealing. Period. Doesn't matter if it's a woman, a man, a sculpture, a painting, a car, a house or a pair of shoes.

But on the other hand, my ex was disrespectful and sleazy in the way he checked out and flirted with other women around me. And that's why he's an EX.

amberlee2011

I’m sorry to hear that!! I have been with my husband since 2004 and married since 2007. When we met, I weighed 128 lbs. I now weigh 192 lbs and he tells me everyday that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. He actually gets razzed from his friends when they go out because he’s not checking out every woman in the bar like they do. His family is very close and his mom and dad pretty much do everything together and were high school sweethearts, so maybe that has something to do with it. It sounds like your guy is just downright disrespectful. I know a lot of guys and girls look around when they are out and about, but to do it in front of you on a regular basis is just hurtful. I’m no relationship expert, but I doubt there is anything you can do to change his behavior. If you give him an ultimatum, he might change for a minute, but people are who they are and he will revert back. I think you need someone in your life who is going to encourage and compliment you. Good luck!

LaPistolaSexola

Does your husband/SO compliment you and show you how much he loves you? Do you have any doubt about the way he feels for you? ....or are you looking for a reason to upset?

people look, it's normal. I agree with others who have said that if you think your man (or woman) don't check out people in front of you, it's probably bc they're good at doing it so it's not so obvious. there's nothing wrong with appreciating beauty.

I would say this: You can spend all your time being pissed about something that is pretty normal and waste your energy by making yourself more insecure, or you can choose to trust that he loves you. Choice is yours.

And confidence is sexy. Just sayin'

RoadDog

Ya we all look but he gets pissed at me for doing something like that yet its ok for him?? wth??

Whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

I find that how a person treats me is how they want to be treated by me. Conversely, he is judging your motivation to add firends by his own motivation. He is wrong in this one. Can't have it both ways.

ItsCasey

No matter how skinny/pretty I get I still feel sometimes like I'm never gonna be good enough to plz him. He is always adding other girls to his friend list on facebook. Their the type of girls that dont wear hardly anything. he only adds them to see hot pics when they post them. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Are all men like this?
I have also confronted him about this yet he still does it and it really hurts my feelings!!!
He's telling me he doesnt care if i gain or lose he'll always love me and find me attractive yet he's only looking at these size 0 fake boob girls!!!!! :grumble: :brokenheart:

I'm not going to sugarcoat this ... you are responsible for the way other people treat you. You said you've already confronted him about it, and he still does it, so obviously he is not going to change. Knowing that, if you don't have enough inner strength and self-respect to walk out, then it's pretty obvious why he doesn't respect you.

And really, enough with the "Everyone looks; we're all human" stuff. We're not talking about noticing an attractive man or woman walking down the street. We're talking about scoping out sluts on Facebook. Huge, huge difference. Any straight man is going to notice a beautiful woman. But a real man is not going to be actively searching for photos of cheap women on the internet, especially not when the woman in his life has made it clear that she's not comfortable with it. "Everyone looks" is a cop-out.