Anorexic to overweight and trying to get back to normal agai

comma44

Hi everyone,

Wanted to introduce myself and sort of share my story sorry that it's so long!

I was a pretty regular kid growing up, active and a normal weight. Then in 2004 I started university, had a rough first year and my focus suddenly turned to "eating healthier" I was 5'7" and about 150lbs on a bigger framed body. I started losing weight so quickly all of a sudden and was down to 130 in no time. Within 2 months this spiralled out of control into full out calorie restriction to the tune of under 500 calories. At my worst I was eating 0-500 calories/day and spending approx 2+ hours at the gym doing cardio to burn off calories. At my lowest I got down to 5'7" and 105lbs, my hair was falling out, nails and lips were going blue from poor circulation and being so cold all the time, I was miserable and depressed.

So after a year of anorexia I decided to get help and started an outpatient recovery program. I knew so much about food at that point, I knew exactly what I was supposed to be eating. So I did, I gained weight back to a healthy weight that my doctor's were pleased with. I spent another 4 years in this program mostly working on the emotional and mental side of things in order to deal with the obvious deeper issues that were inside me. Somehow over the course of these 4 years my weight crept up, slowly but surely. I had stopped exercising due to being unable to exercise in appropriate moderation before and was scared to start again in fear of relapsing into old habits. I was also afraid of measuring food or portion sizes again in fear of relapsing since everything felt so triggering at times. I developed more sedentary hobbies and ate emotionally.

Because I had worked on so much body acceptance stuff I figured that this was how my body was when I ate "normally" and that one day I would grow to accept it. Well, I haven't and I don't think I ever will. I hate looking at myself in the mirror and it makes me nostalgic for the days when I could see my hip bones and my ribs. I miss being able to shop in regular stores and wear a small size. I feel like I have lost all control and that my body has betrayed me. The way I see my body is so incredibly skewed, one day I see myself as morbidly obese and probably twice the size that I actually am, the next day I see myself as still being at 130lbs. I have not tried any dieting in these past 4-5 years during recovery out of fear of relapse and being triggered into that deep dark hole again. However, two weeks ago I decided that I needed to do something, but this time in a healthy way and with support. My amazing boyfriend is helping and supporting me and helping to monitor my intake to make sure that things stay healthy and that I don't spiral out of control again. I am able to talk with him about all of the negative and scary eating disorder type thoughts that go through my head which makes it so much more manageable to just get it out there and know that I am still in control.

I have started a calorie restriction diet as of June 6th and am tracking all of my intake. I started at a goal of 1800 for 2 weeks, now doing 1600 for 1 week and then 1500 from then on. I have been averaging around 1500 most days despite setting higher goals, and I know I could easily go lower, but don't want to in case of losing control. I have also started walking and/or doing a fitness yoga video at home 5days/week combined with lots of stretching and situps. I am going to do the C25K program soon, just want to feel a little lighter before I start pressuring my poor shins. I do remember loving running and can't wait to start again.

I don't know how much I weigh unfortunately and will not be buying a scale as that is far too triggering. I don't want my focus to be on a getting to a certain number on the scale, but rather to a body where I am once again comfortable with myself and I know that I am healthy and fit. I am going to take pictures monthly to track progress. I am 5'7" and wear a size 18 in pants and an XL in shirts (I cringe just typing this). I estimate I'm probably anywhere between 200-230lbs based on pictures that I've seen of other people, but not totally sure since my own body image is so incredibly skewed in my eyes.

Just wanted to say hi and I hope to be more active in these forums as it seems like a really supportive place that encourages healthy weight loss!

kcavities

wow. your stats...i'm 5'7 and fluctuate between 104 & 108 (now...i've weighed higher in years past, despite what my ticker says)! don't let it trigger you--it's as empty and frustrating as you probably remember it, and i don't even look good. hah. actually, you've inspired me in light of our similarities. i struggle with food, self image, and control, too, and i know what it's like for your weight to go from (here) to

---

>(here) and back. haha. >.<
since i am not currently exercising healthful habits (relapse) i fear that adding you as a friend would be harmful, but i wanted to welcome you and thank you for being so vulnerable, open and honest with everyone about your journey. it's very encouraging to encounter strong individuals like you. keep it up!! & remember that your mental wellbeing is more important than any number

edit: you might be considerably lighter than you think! my mom is our height too and wears your sizes, but she only weighs 185.

maryloo2011

Hi, and welcome - this is an outstanding community and I'm glad to see you here!