is this my battle to fight?

CeleryStalker

I'm getting married soon (yay!) and along with that comes two step kids (even more yay!). I'm very excited to have a bigger family, even if the step kids are only with us a third of the month. Here's the dilemma:

My two (6 and 8) will eat veggies and healthy, normal food because they grew up eating that way. His kids (9 and 11) won't touch a veggie if their life depended on it (sadly, it DOES). They get little to no physical activity, like many kids of this era, trading in the outdoor play for computers and video games. It pains me to see his son, who I feel is malnourished. I'm guessing he's not medically malnourished, given that the pediatrician hasn't put the parents on notice, but in two years, this kid has not grown an inch, he has zero muscle tone, pale skin, just a perfect picture of what you'd expect to see after eating nothing but processed crap for 9 years.

We have them every other weekend, and some days during the week each week, so as the 'mom' and chef for the family, it's my duty to feed us all. I enjoy this duty, and do it well. While I do sort of have honey's support (kind of), he'd sooner get his kids mcdonalds and let my kids eat what I've cooked, than fight the battle of 'eat your veggies'.

This drives me bonkers. I want these kids to eat properly. If they aren't going to do it at home, so be it, but on MY watch, when I'M cooking, I want them to at least be exposed to veggies, to at least TRY them. It's just not healthy to live on PB&J (not even whole wheat or natural PB and good preserves), 'kids cuisine' and fast food, but that is how these kids eat. It breaks my heart.

So.....is it my battle? Do I put up a big stink about 'eat your veggies', or do I let him continue on with his aiding and abetting of their terrible eating habits? I'm torn here. Like I said, I sort of have his support, but not completely. Like tonight, I'm grilling some chicken. Usually we'd eat that with a side of veggies. He said I'd need to make some 'rice or something' because his kids 'wont eat those veggies'. So fine, I'll make rice....with onions and chopped bell peppers. LOL But I can tell you now, if he comes in before I mix it all together, he's going to scoop some out for his kids, or worse, he will pick out the peppers and onions before serving it to them.

We get along great and we resolve our differences well, but when it comes to his kids, I don't know what the acceptable boundaries are. As far as I'm concerned, I feel like I'm the only responsible adult in their lives when it comes to nutrition, and it's a heavy load to carry.

Whatcha think?

SimplyDeLish

The best thing you can do is lead by example. When you have his kids try to plan so activities that can burn some energy. Pack a picnic to take with you so they basically have to eat what you pack. Most kids will eat carrot sticks, apple slices, bananas, string cheese, etc. If you can get his support not to allow them to eat junk after dinner - they will soon eat what you cook.

Good luck!

BTW, I love your ring.

crackerjack345

I wouldn't make it your battle. Serve them a variety of healthy stuff but don't make them eat it. The more you get it in front of them , the better chance they'll eat it. Will they eat fresh fruit? Maybe offer up some fruit with each meal as well as veggies? At least then they are still getting some good nutrients from the fruit. They may open up to is more as they see your kids eating it and realize that your not going to require it.

maureendonahue

We have always used the rule of "my house, my rules" and "you eat what is made or not-your choice-but there is nothing else". I have used this on my own kids, grandchildren and step grandchildren along with various extended family members. (My siblings are quite a bit younger than I am.) Once they realized I meant business (and you need support for this one!) they actually ate what there was.

I have picky eaters, so I try to incorporate at least something they like (such as the rice), and it works. Of course, if there are medical reasons not to eat something (one of my kids has dietary restrictions and my niece has food allergies) that has to be taken into consideration too.

Good luck with this one!

knyholm

Jerry Seinfeld's wife (Jessica) has a book called "Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food." I've been meaning to get it because I have trouble with veggies myself. She has a bunch of recipies with veggies hidden in them.

Check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Deceptively-Delicious-Simple-Secrets-Eating/dp/006176793X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308785739&sr=1-1

~Kristen

mom_2_girls

I come from a blended family. (my mom had me and my "dad" had my "brother") If you are going to truely going to be a family and share the discipline and supporting roles with your new husband, you have every right to insist the child eats what y'all eat. Your husband should support you on this. You cannot control the way the child eats when he is with his mother, but you can when he is with you. My mom once made my step-brother sit at the table for over an hour until he ate at least a few bites of green beans. It is a rule in our house that you must at least try the food, you cannot just say you don't like it. If the child gets hungry enough, he will eat. Once I was hungry and hated green beans, so my step dad told me if I was truely hungry and not just looking for a snack, I would eat the green beans. And, I did. I ate the whole can. Good luck with everything.

blink1021

Unfortunately this is a hard one my sisters relationship broke up over something similar to this. I would think that if you do not have his support completely this could be very touchy ground. I do not know how you and his ex get along but it could turn into a war if not careful. I am a firm believer in you put your children in my care than I take care of your child this includes they eat what I fix or they go hungry. That is how I rule my house I am not Burger KIng and they cannot have it their way. I agree with you the children need to be exposed to better quality of food so they make better choices as they get older and not face weight issues later in life. You should probably talk to him about this and tell him how you feel and if we will not make an effort unfortunately you look like the bad guy. Good luck

JekJekums

aaaaahhhhH!!! this story kills me. i would feel EXACTLY the same way. i'm a diabetes researcher and the way our children eat right now is the most important step for ensuring they don't develop diabetes at the age of 30 (or younger!)

i can't help you on the relationship thing. i don't know anything about having children, let alone having other peoples' children, but i DO believe in feeding them properly and taking responsibility for your part, as the adult, in their health. my best advice for getting your soon-to-be husband on board is to show him some of the real facts about kids and nutrition (diabetes, heart disease, the here-and-now impacts of poor nutrition on attention span and development) and hope that he will start a new routine with the kids to (possibly) get them excited about healthier foods.

AdorablePanda

I don't have kids yet, let alone step-kids...but it does seem to be a difficult question.
I would say keep working on your honey. Because without his support, it will not work.
If it is going to cause a lot of strife in your relationship though, I wouldn't necessarily fight too hard.
But when the kids come to the table, they can take it or go to bed hungry, would be my policy. If they don't like the healthy food you made them, then they obviously weren't hungry enough to eat. (it is bad that your husband gets them McDonalds instead though--(and it seems to me) not just because it's unhealthy for them, but it adds a division between your kids and his).

It is really sad that their mother doesn't seem to want to feed them healthy meals, but maybe it's because she doesn't know much better. Perhaps next holiday you could send her a cook book filled with healthy recipes? (Unless of course this would cause more problems)...
Best of luck to you

ekburnet

I was brought up on processed food too. My Mom got clever and made casseroles with tons of veggies in them. She also would put shredded carrots in my PB cookies. I hope this helps ~ Elaine

SiltyPigeon

I say BABY STEPS. Try making the veggies more palatable for them. Smother it in cheese, gravy, or peanut butter. Mix it in with casseroles. Introduce them to the veggies by masking them in foods they recognize. If someone put a bowl of snails in front of you and told you "It's yummy and good for you! Eat it!" Would you dive right in? Probably not. But if there were a few in with your creamy garlic alfredo pasta smothered in mozzarella cheese you might try it, right? AND you might decided you like it! BABY STEPS!
Good luck!

bloodbank

I think the bigger issue is your kids "having" to be healthy and the step kids getting what will look like "special treatment" to your bio kids. You & your hubby need to get on the same page. If it were me, I'd make it my battle, not just out of love for the step kids, but out of love for ALL of your kids.

adagolden

Jerry Seinfeld's wife (Jessica) has a book called "Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food." I've been meaning to get it because I have trouble with veggies myself. She has a bunch of recipies with veggies hidden in them.

Check it out: http://www.amazon.com/Deceptively-Delicious-Simple-Secrets-Eating/dp/006176793X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1308785739&sr=1-1

~Kristen

Great book, great idea.

eamconnor

You can't make them eat right, but you certainly don't have to buy junk. If they are hungry enough, they will choose from among the VAST supply of really good, healthy food on this planet.

When I was growing up, we were served hot cereal every morning. Some mornings, I didn't want it. Not a problem for my mother at all. She just put what I didn't eat in the refrigerator and that's what I got when I walked home for lunch. So I learned that if I wanted something other than cold cream of wheat for lunch, I'd better finish my breakfast.

angp7711

I think you need dads support 100% or you will just be the bad guy. If he is enabling these unhealthy habits you aren't going to be able to break their habits. I have one extremely picky eater in my house and he does have some go-to foods that I have taught him to make for himself if I make something he doesn't like (he is ten). But overall I try to make options available to him. I won't pick veggies out of a dish. I make him do that himself and I usually just try to have healthy leftovers available to him if I'm knowingly making something he hates. For example If we are eating ginger veggie chicken with brown rice (I cook it all together so he can't just eat the rice) He will usually eat a scrambled egg with whole wheat toast and a side salad. And yes I don't have to lift a finger for that he will do it himself. It isn't the best answer but it's what we have come up with.

rocky282

Sadly, I think it is your battle and this battle will define a good part of your relationship. My first marriage ended very badly and some of that was due to how he treated others who I treated differently. Long story short, if the two of you can't stand united on this one small front, it will only get worse as the kids get older and it will become you punish YOUR kids your way and he punishes HIS kids his way and suddenly your not a family but two people sharing a house.

On a different note I have watched other peoples kids especially some who eat terribly. I made it a big adventure with my kids to make our own pizzas and to bake snacks from scratch, if those kids didn't want to help I offered them a couch in the living room and some books to look at. I didn't make a big deal of it just told them if they didn't want to participate they didn't have to. Now my kids are super big sneakers so they try and taste just about every ingredient that goes into something and then we try tasting them together and so on. So I can get them to try a bite of pizza sauce (I use crushed tomatoes and garlic) with a bite of say pepper or onion, maybe mushroom. When the other kids have seen how much fun my kids and I are having they want to join in. I am very careful about how I let them play as well. here is the rule I give them "You do what we are doing and taste what we are tasting, if you can't play nicely you can go back to the couch" One or two kids have acted up and been put on the couch, but for the most part they have all wanted to be a part of the fun. My kids are very little 5, 3, 2 but I am sure something like that would work for older kids. And if you love cooking and playing with food as much as we do, you will be able to think of hundreds of ways to make games of cooking. I babysat my friends 10 year old and we had a race cutting veggies. It was the slow and perfect race. Whoever made the most same size pieces won and we had 10 minutes to do it. She was so proud that she cut the fruit into the same size pieces that she ate all of it and asked her mom to go buy her more. Her mother and I laugh about it now because whenever we visit, it doesn't matter what I cook, her daughter will declare that it is good because I made it and she will eat her fair share. Even Broccoli and Scallops without batting an eye...

Good luck and make sure whatever you decide that it makes you happy and that you can live with it!

Elizabeth_C34

I think the bigger issue is your kids "having" to be healthy and the step kids getting what will look like "special treatment" to your bio kids. You & your hubby need to get on the same page. If it were me, I'd make it my battle, not just out of love for the step kids, but out of love for ALL of your kids.

THIS.

Sit down with the future hubby and get on the same page.

lajuice24

Having had to blend a family ( his three girls and my one) I do not think you should make it "your" battle. But like someone else said lead by example. Healthier snacks around the house, when they are with you guys, plan outdoor activities or things to get them moving! Now your kids are gonna have a issue ( if they do not already) about having to eat the veggies and his kids get "special" treatment. I was and am the cook in our house. And I made the same dinner for everyone. If you did not eat what was cooked, you got nothing else. Period. My step daughters quickly adapted.

Purplefly

Mmm I agree with everyone who said to get on the same page with your husband. Having different rules for his kids and your kids is asking for a disaster at some point IMHO. YOUR home has to be a united front. If they wont eat what you give them because dad provides what they want, why would they listen when you ask them to do their homework or chores?

CeleryStalker

Hey gang.....first off, THANK YOU! Thank you for not getting all high and mighty or judgmental. The internet is such a weird place and that kind of crap can work its way into the best of threads, so I really and truly am appreciative that this thread hasn't taken that turn :flowerforyou:

Secondly, check this out! I made the rice with bell peppers and onions, I made the veggies (just a mixed bag of steamfresh with broccoli, carrots, water chestnuts and snap peas), and some marinated chicken on the grill. I put one piece of each veggie on their plates, a heaping tablespoon of rice (peppers and onions IN TACT), and served up din din for the kiddies.

My hunbun says 'heh, he's not going to eat that...' I said, 'he will if his daddy backs me up on this " Yes, the smile is there in my quote because I said it with a smile, not like a beeotch, LOL.

I told my little girl to set a good example and show his kids that kids can eat veggies and even if they aren't spectacular, they can still eat them and nobody is going to choke to death on them, LOL

Dinner was served. Kids ate their veggies, even the bell peppers. Badda bing, badda bang!

And to top it all off, after dinner, I went for a run with the girls (his 11 year old and my 6 year old). His girl JUST learned to ride a bike this Sunday. (See, i told you they don't go outside!) To see her transform from crying on the front lawn as she mounted the bike, completely in fear, into this 80% capable bike rider today was amazing. I'm so proud of her for eating her veggies, telling me she didn't like the broccoli but that she was ok with not liking it since it wasnt flat out disgusting, and for getting on that bike and riding down the road. She did so good, no boo boos, and couldn't wait to get home to tell her dad.

It's a great day!

Thanks again, you guys!


oh ya, and ps, i have that Deceptively Delicious book. I used it on my two when they were little, LOL. Maybe I should bring it back out. Hell, I had everyone in the house drinking spinach the other day and nobody knew there was anything in those smoothies other than blueberries, banana, and yogurt. :bigsmile:

CeleryStalker

ooh ooh, AND she said she hopes I dont have any meetings tomorrow (I work from home) because she wants to go out on another bike ride. Her brother wants to come too. SUCCESS!

Ah, I'm so happy. 80 days til I can call them mine'ish! LOL


And hey, to the lady who complimented my ring....THANK YOU *blush*

MisterDubs303

Maybe only feed them real food, nutritious food, but then give them dessert later. Even though dessert is not necessarily nutritious, that is the rightful place for treats that may not be nutritious. Processed fake food as a meal is NOT the rightful place for non-nutritious consumption. This way they will be trained to expect real food for real meals, and understand that splurge food only has its place outside of normal feeding (even if you give it to them frequently). They can't complain that they never get any junk food, and they get trained to eat healthfully at the same time.

blink1021

I hid turkey from my family for a year they thought it was red meat the whole time. I got busted when I made a meatloaf because the turkey didn't form like ground beef does. That shows you that no one goes into the freezer unless I feed them and I am sure their arteries thank me.

bloodbank

Hey gang.....first off, THANK YOU! Thank you for not getting all high and mighty or judgmental. The internet is such a weird place and that kind of crap can work its way into the best of threads, so I really and truly am appreciative that this thread hasn't taken that turn :flowerforyou:

Secondly, check this out! I made the rice with bell peppers and onions, I made the veggies (just a mixed bag of steamfresh with broccoli, carrots, water chestnuts and snap peas), and some marinated chicken on the grill. I put one piece of each veggie on their plates, a heaping tablespoon of rice (peppers and onions IN TACT), and served up din din for the kiddies.

My hunbun says 'heh, he's not going to eat that...' I said, 'he will if his daddy backs me up on this " Yes, the smile is there in my quote because I said it with a smile, not like a beeotch, LOL.

I told my little girl to set a good example and show his kids that kids can eat veggies and even if they aren't spectacular, they can still eat them and nobody is going to choke to death on them, LOL

Dinner was served. Kids ate their veggies, even the bell peppers. Badda bing, badda bang!

And to top it all off, after dinner, I went for a run with the girls (his 11 year old and my 6 year old). His girl JUST learned to ride a bike this Sunday. (See, i told you they don't go outside!) To see her transform from crying on the front lawn as she mounted the bike, completely in fear, into this 80% capable bike rider today was amazing. I'm so proud of her for eating her veggies, telling me she didn't like the broccoli but that she was ok with not liking it since it wasnt flat out disgusting, and for getting on that bike and riding down the road. She did so good, no boo boos, and couldn't wait to get home to tell her dad.

It's a great day!

Thanks again, you guys!


oh ya, and ps, i have that Deceptively Delicious book. I used it on my two when they were little, LOL. Maybe I should bring it back out. Hell, I had everyone in the house drinking spinach the other day and nobody knew there was anything in those smoothies other than blueberries, banana, and yogurt. :bigsmile:

ALL of this is awesome! Great job, mama!

akashicisis

Without your husband-to-be supporting you anything you do will fail. So you talk to him and explain what's going to happen. Like "i was thinking that we could try .........is that ok with you?"

As for the actual process. With my stepson (exact same situation) I said "Vegetables are necessary so I thought what if we put them on his plate, like everyone else gets, but he doesn't have to eat them. What do you think?" He agreed. First year or so, I made food that wasn't "mixed up" 2 meals out of 3, like a chicken leg, a baked potato and some carrots and peas. He doesn't have to eat anything. He doesn't have to finish anything. He doesn't get dessert unless he tries everything though (and dessert usually has fruit in it as well). The 3rd meal of 3 I started as having pasta with bacon and cheese. Then next time was bacon cheese and onion. Then bacon cheese and onion with chopped tomato to add if you want it. Then with tomato and peas to add if you want. Then the tomato mixed in and your choice of peas. Then tomato and peas mixed in and chopped capsicum to add. Or a ragout loaded with grated veges that he couldn't detect. Then let him see me put the veges in. Now the only thing we struggle with is lettuce and mushrooms. He comes and goes on them. He still doesn't have to eat anything if he doesn't want it. No battle, no drama, my partner is happy because there's no fight, I'm happy cos there are veges on every plate so none of the kids feel like there's special treatment going on and he's really proud of himself and has had a massive growth spurt since he started eating vegies. It took 2 years. He was 7 when we started. Good luck. Mainly....take the battle out of it and it should work out.

akashicisis

hehe i was too late and you pretty much did exactly what I did. With INSTANT results! Well done!