how do you motivate your spouse?

kellieprindle

Recently I have lost a lot of weight and I thought my husband would be motivated by my change. I have been trying to get him to think about his health, but I am doing it all wrong and it is hurting his feelings. Also, I feel disgusted because he has given me his opinions on when to exercise before our vacation while he loads his plate for a night of indulgence...what do I say? How do I keep from hurting his feelings?



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Pebble321

You can only change you. You can't change him or make him want to change unless he is ready for it. Nagging at him or trying to make him feel guilty because he's not losing weight is not going to help.
My best suggestion is to do what you know is good for you and let him do what he wants.
If he is giving you unwanted advice, I'd just tell him "I've got an exercise plan that 's working pretty well at the moment" and change the subject.

bjohs

Read this thread for more feedback: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/270552-when-your-spouse-doesn-t-share-your-fitness-enthusiasm?hl=spouse

Kelly_Wilson1990

My husband comes along kicking and screaming.

Topsking2010

Well said Ruby. It's not worth causing tension in your marriage.

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amymeenieminymo

You can't.....think of yourself, if you're like me you kept saying, "I need to lose weight" over and over, but then one day something just clicked or you reached a point where you were really READY to do it. Wild horses couldn't have made you do it before that point. The same goes for your husband. He'll do something about it when he is ready...

I had the same hopes...I've gained a lot back, but when I first came here I lost 50 pounds, I was hoping my husband would emulate my good eating and exercise habits, but he didn't. Nagging doesn't work. You can ask him to work out with you, or suggest healthy food alternatives, but just that, if he refuses drop it. My husband never ever goes to the gym or for a work out with me, but I still ask, and he politely declines. I'm hoping one day he will want to go.

BethanyCee

The thing is, it has to be his decision. You can't make that choice for him. It might take him more time than it did for you. I know for a long time I hated even discussing weight or eating habits until one day, it just clicked into place for me. I really had to come to that on my own though. The best thing you can do is be supportive and try your best not to judge him.

SueInAz

I haven't been pushing my husband at all, even though he can definitely stand to lose a few pounds. I figure he'll either be motivated by my changes, or he won't. I can cook better, and he'll eat what I make, but he does at least as much of the cooking as I do.

If he tries to give you pointers on when or how to exercise again, say "I have my own plan, unless you were offering to join me?" That should shut him up.

samb

I posted this onto that other board but this is my advice:

My boyfriend is totally uninterested in being healthy, actually he tries not to be to spite me cuz I try to be so healthy. Once in a while he has a few moments of attempting healthy habits though but that is VERY RARE and doesnt last at all. I have talked to him so many times about it because I am worried about him getting diabetes as it runs in his family and he is the only one not diagnosed with it - but he won't go to the doctor so he could already have it mildly possibly. I dont know. But I do know that I have gotten him to go on a few short bike rides as he likes to ride bikes for a short period of time, and I also challenged him to a couple games of tennis, which he ended up sprinting across the court the whole time trying to beat me So all I can say is be healthy yourself, try to influence your habits onto him - make a healthy breakfast/lunch/dinner etc that you both can enjoy together, maybe pack his lunch & snacks, and try to find activities you both enjoy or could potentially get him to do at least, or something competitive that he may end up really getting into.

nascent

How are you hurting his feelings?

I agree "nagging" probably won't work but maybe you can try to turn it into something fun you do together.

27strange

To echo a lot of what has been mentioned... its got to be his/her own choice! Nagging, pushing, etc may just lead to resentment and unhappiness in your relationship. The best thing to do is be an example. When your spouse starts noticing the changes in your health, weight, shape, energy, etc its possible that it will motivate them to do the same.

My wife and I have learned not to nag each other or make comments about each others work out, eating routines to each other. If she is having an off day then she doesn't need me there telling her to get over it and go workout or whatever. We exercise using our own methods and in our own time and it works better for us. Also we have found that while we both enjoy much the same unhealthy meals and foods and snacks, we struggle to enjoy the same healthy foods, meals, and snacks. So while we definitely make the time to eat together at dinner, we often don't eat the same meals. She fixes hers, I fix mine. And it works for us. I guess I am writing all this to say in my own experience the choice all comes down to the individual and they must develop their own methods if they are going to commit long term to the lifestyle change.

Luthorcrow

I can't say I have an answer because when my wife decided she want to lose weight it was any easy choice for me to support her by joining her. One because I have a lot less weight to loss, two because I have been athletic often in my life and had eaten clean before but also because I wanted to support her. The habits she had in her 20s to control her weight were not healthy ones and I knew that it would be hard for her to be successful if I was still eating pizza and chilling while she was eating her greens and sweating on the treadmill.

So as a man I got off my *kitten* jumped in with both feet. It helps her that I have more experience being athletic because I able to share my experience with her etc. but honestly, I don't understand how one spouse can chose not to support another spouse in making a healthy choice. For me that is really the angle that matters.

You would hope that on some point on your journey he would be inspired by your results but like any life change he has to want to change.

The one thing that is clear, he has no place offering advice/critiques unless he starts walking the walking. Couch potato coaches need to zip it.

Ali_TSO

I've lost 12 pounds on MFP in 40 days....I now weigh 341. My husband is all about bologna sandwiches and sour cream and onion chips. I didn't pressure him at all, even though his starting weight was 435! :noway: I just started buying healthy foods for me and continued buying crap for him. I even starting boiling my own chicken and mixing it with Mrs Dash for lunch meat, since pre-packaged has so much sodium.

Then one day, about 10 days ago, he asked me to make the chicken for him too, and to buy grapes and rice cakes and baked chips instead of "real" chips. He also started going to the gym with me, and drinking water and unsweet tea instead of coke. And you know what? He lost 21 lbs in a WEEK. They come around, you just can't pressure them AT ALL. It's gotta be their idea, and trust me, unless THEY want to lose it, they're not gona do it for you --- no matter how much they love you.

Valtishia

I agree that it is a personal choice, but often you can sorta meet them in the middle without them really realizing it lol

I was at my biggest when I met my husband, he was really supportive. He wouldn't exercise with me, but he would keep labels and stuff when he cooked so I would know what was going into my body and could log it.

He still won't exercise with me, but he now eats fruits and veggies (he didn't before), he eats whole wheat/whole grain (refused to eat anything other than white before), but on occasion, he will still eat the tub of icecream lol. Step by step though.

1saat

Definitely their decision - I started in Feb 2011 and got rolling eyes when I measured my food and started making changes. Everything was white, not enough veggies, low motivation for exercise, etc. I had to get off my butt and do something...but no nagging at hubby. I kept at it and the only drastic change I've made is to switch to whole grain bread (only me though !) Everything I eat is the same as before except portion size. Now he's used to it and when he dishes up a plate for me, it's in the amounts I want and that's a great help for me. Lately, I notice he's drinking much less coke and more water. This morning he started to talk about his estimated calorie count from yesterday :happy: - maybe a step onto the bandwagon ?

kellieprindle

To answer nascent, I'll give you an example...last night he was putting butter on his corn and it was like 1/2 a stick...I was disgusted and didn't do a good job of hiding my reaction. Needless to say I hurt his feelings.

For Luthorcrow, it's the whole couch potato coach thing that has pissed me off lately. I was able to talk to him about that and I think he'll quit...but just talking to him about it was like walking on eggshells.

Finally to Ali_TSO, I am soooo guilty of what you were saying...I go to the store and buy healthy stuff for me, and crap for him! How stupid am I? I am cooking him all the comfort foods we use to eat together and maybe that is something I should stop doing...but when it comes down to it, I am cooking those things to keep him happy and probably because I feel guilty for being able to lose the weight while he still struggles.

Thank you all for your comments! They have helped me immensely!!




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amymeenieminymo

Finally to Ali_TSO, I am soooo guilty of what you were saying...I go to the store and buy healthy stuff for me, and crap for him! How stupid am I? I am cooking him all the comfort foods we use to eat together and maybe that is something I should stop doing...but when it comes down to it, I am cooking those things to keep him happy and probably because I feel guilty for being able to lose the weight while he still struggles.




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Not stupid at all, buying it for him doesn't mean you are shoving it in his mouth. Sure you could start cooking healthier things so that he'll eat healthy by default, but honestly if you only start buying all healthy stuff and he isn't on board, he'll get it from somewhere else.

Some tricks I used....For a while I switched to ground turkey instead of ground beef, my husband actually ended up liking it better. When I would pick up subway for us and he asked for extra meat on his, I "accidentally" forgot and he never noticed. Try little tricks like that, and then maybe slowly work on buying less and less junk food. It will help you to, not to be tempted by all kinds of yummy junk in the house.