I need advice...

jojoworks

Hi,
you certainly have a challenge, two challenges actually. First of all control yourself. To help with that I recommend you work on your mind game. Mindful eating is an approach that can help you get over "mindless" eating. I listen to self-hypnosis weight-loss CD's at night and they really help me a lot! I used the same approach to quit smoking and part of the hypnosis message was that I wouldn't care about other people smoking in my presence and it worked! Its worked for me for eating too, I live alone so that helps, but its helped me in other people's home and restaurants and holiday situations too. I plan ahead and I don't get all tensed up about what I can't eat. I totally enjoy the healthy food choices I make. I believe that the positive self-hypnosis messages I receive are very much a big part of my success.

Second of all the general health of your family is important, but you can't force these changes against your husband's will. The two of you should have an on-going dialogue and agreement in terms of the diet of your children, maybe in this context you and he can come to some compromise about the food choices available in the house.

Be at peace with yourself and your efforts, allow the rest of it to follow at its own pace.

good luck and HAPPY eating!

jojoworks

Another thought about your eating dilemma when you get home from work: I've found that planning ahead really helps. Have your food for dinner planned and even made ahead of time so when you get home there are no decisions to be made, just heating up or dishing up. Also, I have a long commute home from work and I always have a baggie of veggies, some cheese, some sunflower seeds and a bottle of water to eat on my drive home. I've found that it helps immensely to not walk in the door hungry....I call it the MUST EAT NOW syndrome.

Planning ahead, cooking ahead, having back-up food plans in place will help divert your mind when you see junk food or observe other people eating it. Train yourself to go for your bag of prepared fresh veggies when you need to munch.

take care and good luck

Aurelina

Despite you're statement about who is in more danger, the truth is sugar will kill you both. There was a great Dr. Oz show about it. Sugar causes high cholesterol, high blood pressure, of course diabetes. It wrecks your liver, like too much alcohol. I agree, you need to keep it out of the house. Do you expect an alcoholic to continue to go to bars and just say no, or a smoker to hang around the smoking room, and be able to maintain. Self control is certainly required, but why have the temptation around you all the time. Besides, this is a lifestyle change, so keeping it out of the house is a lifetime necessisty. Did you ever notice that fat parents have fat kids, or that most often both spouses are overweight. It's a team effort to create a heathy environment.

This is my favorite!! This is what I'm trying to tell him!!! Both of my parents are full blown diabetic, having to give themselves insulin shots everyday. I am heading down the same path, and my son could end up the same. Our family needs a lifestyle change. and it's going to take both of us working as a team to make it happen. I don't feel like I can do it by myself. I do so good for awhile and then i feel overwhelmed and give in. I've already lost all my baby weight, so I know what works for me and how easy it is when I'm on board. but I only stay on track when I keep the junk out of the house. I need support. We need to do this more for our health than for what we look like. He isn't happy with his weight either. He's on the same roller coaster I'm on. He loses some, he gains. We've been doing this for two years, and it's getting really old. but last year before I got pregnant I was doing so good, and I had lost like 26 lbs and it had motivated him and he was doing great and losing too, so I know if I could just stick with it and be strong, he's not going to let me get too far without him joining in. I guess I'm just feeling defeated b/c everyday this week I have woke up with determination on my mind and by the time I get home, I'm stuffing my face with anything sweet I can find.

I really think that if I can figure out a way to keep away from the junk, and I start losing and feeling better he will get on board. I will def try the hiding the junk and making it off limits and see if that works for me. Thanks everyone for your advice, it was all great!

He's heard this! He's not dumb! Don't nag him! Girl, I'm so on your side about the sugar and having crap out of the house. BUT, the deeper issue is that you are in a marriage and there are other things going on that must be respected. In the fairy tales marriage is about everyone supporting each other all nicey nice all the time, but marriage is actually a people growing machine and sometimes that means you have to do tough love while looking in the mirror. Ya'll have lots of stress there, new baby, health issues, a move coming up. Honey, that's intense. Create loving stories that make you stronger not weaker. Don't tell yourself stories that are going to make you nag and think your man is letting your down. Your life is asking you to get stronger and be more loving while you are at it. How would it feel to you to choose to admire that he isn't bending to this unless he decides for himself, that he expects you to be clear and strong yourself. If you are so clear that this is the way then stay on the road. How serious are you that this is a huge health issue? Look at your actions. If you believe he SHOULD support you and how exactly he should do that, that he shouldn't bring the crap home, that you are a victim in a nasty set up, then you could intensify your own stress and emotional eating. You'll be feeling let down by your husband, nagging him, eating more, getting more crazy, nagging, feeling worse, etc. It's a lose lose. Change the story. What is there to admire about him in this situation? What do you adore about him overall? Focus on that. Sheesh - do you really want your man sayin' "oh yes, always, whatever you say, yes, always yes". So hot? What can you admire about yourself in this? It doesn't help you or your marriage if you get 50 responses on mfp telling you that he is a dumb *kitten* and he better eat right or do this or that. Internet NAGaTHON!!! Sure the stats are scary about health, but they are also pretty bad when it comes to marriage cause most people think it's about the fairytale, not about digging deep into our own souls.

DianaPowerUp

Wow, Kim. I am so sorry you have to have this battle going on in your house. Of course you expect the man that you love, that you have a child with, to be there and support you in your journey. And it is not only critical for YOUR health, but for the health of your entire family, esp. for your son, who is watching and learning from the two of you.

The problem is that your husband is not on the same page as you are right now, and there is nothing you can do to change his mind, or control his behavior. Doing so will just cause strife b/t the two of you. He is a big boy, and thinks that he can do whatever the h*ll he wants, and that it is YOUR issue that you have to deal with. He doesn't appreciate the bigger picture.

The only advice that I could give would be to have a heart to heart with him one day, at an agreed time, with no finger pointing or blame. Just ask him how would it impact the family, if you became diabetic? How would it impact the family if he did? How would he feel if he saw his boy becoming obese, knowing that it was a result of watching the parents' poor eating habits? If he is still ok with all that, and feels that those outcomes are not realistic (and they most certaintly are), then you are just going to have to step up to the plate, and somehow, find it within yourself, to fight that urge to eat those things that you know will eventually hurt you.

You need to be the role model for your son, in fitness and good eating habits. Your husband may never be that, ever. It's the same in my house. I'm the one who eats cleanly, who piles on the veggies, who forgoes the pasta, the sweets, who exercises....my husband eats whatever he wants (oreos!) and clicks the remote. Personally, I am not tempted with all the junk that is in my house, b/c after eating cleanly and low carb for months now, that stuff actually tastes terrible to me. I'd rather eat a piece of fruit if I want something sweet. Maybe you'll get to that point too, where having temptations around, don't tempt you anymore. But until that time, you will probably have to figure out how you can keep yourself from eating that junk. Maybe if you have lots of other great options handy (like I have hardboiled eggs, jerky, trail mix, nuts, fruit, string cheese available all the time), you can dive into that instead?

I hope you can work it out, b/c this is really quite a battle for you. (((hugs)))

Thriceshy

Sorry, I don't go for the "change your story, but don't expect your man to support you" stuff. Works for some (I suppose), but I expect (and give) more than that in my marriage. She IS trying to change her story, and he's sabotaging her by refusing to budge on an issue that really is huge. Part of being in a relationship is supporting each other, especially in something as important as this. If "screw you, I work hard, it's my house" is the best he can offer, maybe he needs a good talking to. It's not just HIS house, it's HER house. It's not just HIS life, it's HER life. And those aren't just HIS cupboards--if he's going to fill them with crap because it's "HIS HOUSE," then why can't she run the junk right down the disposal because it's also HERS? That "master of the home" crap went out with the 50s, and with good reason. And if he can't keep his junk food to himself, if he can't stow it in the car or keep it to single servings, that's a shamefully selfish message he's sending. It's a message that shouts "I care more about bein' the boss of ME than I care about your health, happiness, or well-being." Sadly, that's almost certainly NOT how he really feels, so he needs to be more careful in what he communicates.


What a stupid, stupid thing for him to use as fodder for a power struggle.

Kris

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I am so stressed out right now. I have a very wonderful man, whom I love very much, but I'm about ready to strangle him! We have been getting into it for the past couple of months over the same thing. I am desperately trying to break this sugar addiction/binging problem I have. The only thing I have asked is for him to STOP bringing junk in the house, but he still does. He says I have to be able to just say no, and be accountable to myself. but I don't think I'm asking for too much just for him to not bring it in the house! He has a bad addiction to sweets too, but it's not as dangerous as mine. We have a 7 month old, and I had gestational diabetes with him (was pre-diabetic before him) and now I'm getting really close to the full blown diabetes mark. I am a stress/emotionl binger. Like will eat until I make myself sick. I do great all day at work, but when I get home, if there is sweets in the house I will devour them. No matter how much I tell myself I'm not going to all day. It's a vicious cycle, and this week has been the worst week yet. Last night he told me that he is a grown man and pays bills and will eat what he wants to in his house. and that I need to learn to just be accountable to myself. and have some self control. I agree with that to a point, but at the same time I've tried!!! I feel like such a failure. I don't know what else to do. The madder I get the more motivated I get to just say no to all the junk sitting at home. (powdered donuts, star crunch, little debbies, soda, etc.) but then my will power just goes out the window when i get home and start craving it. I need advice, motivation, anything you can give me!!!

I'm very sad for you, it sounds like he's not being very supportive. While he has a point about being entitled to eat what he wants, eating can be an addiction and until you break your addiction it's really unfair for him to bring temptation into the house like that. Honestly, if you were an alcoholic would he be bringing booze into the house while you were vehemently fighting the addiction? This is no different. You have to find a way to get him to understand that it is an addiction that you can't combat on your own. Food is the most difficult addiction because you can't just say "I'm not doing it anymore" you still need it to survive, you just need to be surrounded by the right foods. You haven't told him what he can and cannot eat, you are just asking him to be respectful of your needs instead of his wants. This isn't a joke, this is your health he's playing with and taking so lightly.

Thriceshy

I am so stressed out right now. I have a very wonderful man, whom I love very much, but I'm about ready to strangle him! We have been getting into it for the past couple of months over the same thing. I am desperately trying to break this sugar addiction/binging problem I have. The only thing I have asked is for him to STOP bringing junk in the house, but he still does. He says I have to be able to just say no, and be accountable to myself. but I don't think I'm asking for too much just for him to not bring it in the house! He has a bad addiction to sweets too, but it's not as dangerous as mine. We have a 7 month old, and I had gestational diabetes with him (was pre-diabetic before him) and now I'm getting really close to the full blown diabetes mark. I am a stress/emotionl binger. Like will eat until I make myself sick. I do great all day at work, but when I get home, if there is sweets in the house I will devour them. No matter how much I tell myself I'm not going to all day. It's a vicious cycle, and this week has been the worst week yet. Last night he told me that he is a grown man and pays bills and will eat what he wants to in his house. and that I need to learn to just be accountable to myself. and have some self control. I agree with that to a point, but at the same time I've tried!!! I feel like such a failure. I don't know what else to do. The madder I get the more motivated I get to just say no to all the junk sitting at home. (powdered donuts, star crunch, little debbies, soda, etc.) but then my will power just goes out the window when i get home and start craving it. I need advice, motivation, anything you can give me!!!

I'm very sad for you, it sounds like he's not being very supportive. While he has a point about being entitled to eat what he wants, eating can be an addiction and until you break your addiction it's really unfair for him to bring temptation into the house like that. Honestly, if you were an alcoholic would he be bringing booze into the house while you were vehemently fighting the addiction? This is no different. You have to find a way to get him to understand that it is an addiction that you can't combat on your own. Food is the most difficult addiction because you can't just say "I'm not doing it anymore" you still need it to survive, you just need to be surrounded by the right foods. You haven't told him what he can and cannot eat, you are just asking him to be respectful of your needs instead of his wants. This isn't a joke, this is your health he's playing with and taking so lightly.

Exactly. At the very least, he needs to do his snacking away from her, maybe at work or in the car, or even at home, if he can keep it to single servings so the cupboards arent full of crap. It doesn't have to be all or nothing for him, but he needs to make concessions here, even if he is afraid to change. The sad thing is, I'm sure he's a really nice man. Sometimes we latch onto one stupid thing and decide that's where we're going to make our "I'M THE BOSS OF ME" stand. I just hope this is resolved in a way that neither winds up with a lot of hard feelings. Maybe there is some way that some of the junk food could be "improved upon," i.e., healthier snacks, lower cal versions, or maybe she could start her own munchy cabinet with fun but less calorific/sugary treats. But he's got to give something, he's got to show some support here, especially if his motive is insecurity or self-doubt.

Kris

starzluv94

You are right he should support you and what you are trying to do to get healthy. I dont know if this will work but if you find the treats in the house try taking all you can see and throw them away in the outside garbage so you arent tempted and maybe he will get the idea it will just be a waste of money from now on. And that you are serious about this.

AlsDonkBoxSquat

If he's really ready to die on this hill no matter the consequences can you just assign a cabinet that is only his and put this on it:
http://www.amazon.com/Cabinet-Locks-Magnetic-Tot-Starter/dp/B000HKVVH4

and let him hide the "key." I know it's only a magnet, and you could probably find a magnet off of your fridge that would open it, but just knowing that "lock" is in place may help you stay away. (sometimes we need physical barriers to help us build mental strength).

MissKim

I really appreciate everyone's advice and input. I think I need to do a little of both. Work on my own self control and my own self motivation, and get him to compromise about the junk in the house. Hiding them and locking them away. I need to make my mind up to do this for myself and for my son, and do it regardless of what's going on around me. and hopefully he will be influenced to join in. He's usually pretty good about seeing the err of his ways and making things right. Thanks again, I will keep y'all updated.

kiffypooh

Hey Kim,

So I'm not sure if your story is similar to mine, but I will share. When my hubby (Chris) and I met eating was something we had in common. We both loved food, going out and often things we did together revolved around food and not healthy food. YEARS later, after we had our daughter I decided to change. I decided I wanted to be a good example for our daughter and I didn't want her to struggle with her weight like I did. I hope by raising her around healthy foods and healthy ideas around foods she will know how to have a better balance with healthy foods, sweets, junk etc then I've ever had. When I start changing the way I eat and the way I think about food, Chris didn't like it very much and he would resist. He had no desire to change how or what he ate (I know your situation is a little different then that) and he fought it and fought it hard. He finally admitted ( 2 1/2 years later) that on some level he was trying to sabotage me because he felt like he was going to lose me and I wouldn't want to be with him any more. After all, it was the main thing we had in common for a long time and honestly, food was a big part of our lives for a long time. He now knows that isn't the case and gotten a lot better and has stopped supporting me.

Ok, so I wanted to share that just to give you something to think about, if it relates to you. As far as junk in the house? It's not allowed. Yeah, I get that I should have self control and if I'm making "real" changes it should be something I work on, etc. but I work on it all day, I work on it while I'm at my parents, at the park with friends, at work, walking through the grocery store, ordering a drink at Starbucks, every where I go through out every day. I feel like I should have a safe place where I don't have to be in total control over it and where I can relax and let down my guard. Honestly, I'm still controlling my food issues even when I'm home without junk in the house. It takes control to not say yes to more bread, or even more chicken or rice, even if it's healthy doesn't mean I don't want 4 plates of it or that I won't eat 1200 calories at one meal :grumble: . I use our daughter as an excuse mostly. I don't want her to have the junk food and it's not fair to her that she sees the cookies, the candy, the chips, etc all the time and she can't have it all the time and he agrees. So he keeps it in his truck (it makes me laugh that I can know a huge bag of halloween candy is in his truck, which is parked right next to my car and I won't go out and get it) or eats while he's at work. He's gone 11 hours a day, 5 days a week so he has plenty of time to eat all the junk he wants. I've seen this topic around a lot of places, it was discussed at a Weight Watcher meeting not that long ago and most people seem to say that we should change, but I remember Chris saying he loved me and he will support me in sickness and in health and so many other ways, this is his way of showing me that. Nothing hurst more then when you ask someone you love and trust for help and they shoot you down.
I know this will workout Kim, just remember he feels stressed too and it's probably scary for both of you to move away. I'm here if you need to talk or text

kiffypooh

Ask him what his compromise would be?

LOVE this suggestion!

I agree great suggestion!

nseuell

Sorry for your situation, a couple of quick ideas for you:

*try "parallel" eating. Provide snacks for yourself that are satisfying while he is eating junk. For example, if he is eating Reeses, have some natural peanut butter. Something sweet? Try a piece of fruit or sugar-free jello. While you are tyring to lose weight, my personal opinion is that artificial sweeteners are okay in moderation - you can add the other stuff back in once you hit your goal weight!

*try asking him to bring in foods that you CAN stay out of, at first, if he can't give you some time without those things in the house.

*Good luck - we are all behind you!