Advice needed about living with a relative who is bulimic

bluemist248

Hi everyone,

The last few years have been very stressful in my house. My mother (53) suffered from anorexia for a couple of years and then after the death of her mother she developed the signs of bulimia instead.

Previously she was given anti-depressants and sent to a eating disorder counsellor for anorexia, but found both to be unhelpful. She used to be obsessive with her exercise and made sure that if she consumed over exactly 999 calories a day, that she would burn 1000 calories off in that same day. This has of course led to drastic weight loss (she's 5 ft and weighed 6st 4lbs).

Recently, she's lost the energy to exercise (due to restricted diet) so instead she's cut even further back on her calorie intake and limits herself to 700 a day, except weekends, where she'll binge and then take laxatives to purge. Her weight is now 6st 9lbs. She does eat 4 meals a day, but these are very small, consisting of only some salads, and fruit. There's little or no starch, calcium or fats and as a result she complains of confusion, dizziness, tiredness and a lack of energy, yesterday she spend the entire day sleeping despite a good night's sleep .

Today, her work friends drove her home from work has she collapsed twice. She's a cleaner so it's very physical work, it's also a heat wave in England right now so it may be dehydration or heat exhaustion, to make sure I called a paramedic who checked her out and said she was fine except for obviously needing to increase her weight to a healthy BMI and up her calories significantly.

I have no idea how I could help her or what I could say to encourage change for the better. Her GP knows all about this and tells my mum the same advice I do "Drink plenty water, eat more carbs, fats and sodium". She's very educated on weight loss and is fully aware of what she should eat, she just refuses to eat it. I obviously can't force feed a grown woman. Taking her scales away wouldn't work as she'd weigh herself in Boots or in the science labs at the school she cleans at. She also can't use MFP as she has no idea how to use a computer and isn't very willing to learn.

I'm at my wits end, I really am. I live with my father too, however he's retired (they married with a large age difference) he also has his own health concerns (diabetic type 2) He's just as confused and stuck in a rut as I am. I'm also obese (though I'm working on that in a healthy way, though I must admit I'm very scared of turning into my mother some day).

Does anyone else live with an eating disorder sufferer or has recovered themselves and has advice on what can be said or done by relatives that helped them through it?

Mindful_Trent

I've heard this is a very good website - it might be a starting place?
http://www.something-fishy.org/online/familyfriends.php

I have no personal advice/experience here, but wish you well! :flowerforyou:

Picky_nikki

There are support groups for families living with people with eating disorders... similar to ALNON. I suggest checking them out. I am sorry you are having to go through this! HUGS! Eating disorders are confusing, and hard...

Avalonis

You can try being very forceful and saying "Mom, I need you to eat more. I want you to be around to see your grandkids, and I need you to be there for me still. I love you and I hate to see you KILLING yourself over something as stupid as weight!"

If that doesn't work, I don't mean to sound harsh but:

It sounds like you have tried everything you CAN try. Shes tried therapy, you've been giving her helpful advice, her doctor has said that she needs to gain weight... ultimately, it is HER body. It's killing her, and the wrong way to do it, but if she wants to kill herself like that there is nothing more you can do.


The blame does not rest upon your shoulders.

ckmama

like with any addiction the person with it has to want to get better. You can try to get them help, but her issues don't lie with food as you are aware. It is all in her mind and how she percieves herself and the world around her. It really is an illness and when you are sick you get treatment from professionals. She may need in patient treatment. I wouldn't talk about food around her, dieting, weight loss or gain, exercise, etc.

I hope she gets better.

taldie01

You can try an intervention

skinnyhappy

I've dealt with both, (myself and relatives) and the best thing I can tell you is be patient and lead by example. There are absolutely no words you can say to help her. If, however, she sees you eating healthily, working out a reasonable amount and feeling better she may be tempted to ask for help.

TRUST ME, she's stuck inside her own head, she's developed a terrible inner monologue full of negativity and it's an extremely difficult cycle to break. THE BEST thing you can do is remain positive and DO NOT harp on her to eat more it will only make it worse. Be cheery, smile, focus on making YOURSELF as happy and as healthy as you can be and hope she follows suit.

An aside: I've known yoga to help, it teaches you how to respect your body, how to be kind to it, how to relax and realize you're beautiful the way you are. Maybe you two could go to a class together a couple of times a month? It's helped me and others.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU

eillims

I have struggled with bulimia and anorexia for about 10 years...I've been in recovery for about 3 of them, but every day is a battle.

The first time my mom called me out was by barging into the bathroom while I was purging and screaming at me in front of the entire family when I was a sophomore in high school. Do you think that made me want to run over for a hug and cry about my feelings to her? HELL NO.

That is NOT the way to go about it. I agree that tough love is important, but calling her out, or telling her to stop doing it, eat more, blah blah blah is not going to work, it's going to work against you. I felt so ashamed and guilty I began hiding even more, using diet pills, isolating myself, and working out more.

Besides, the eating disorder really isn't about the food, that's just how the issues are manifested. She needs to hit rock bottom mentally and emotionally before she'll realize she wants and needs to get out.

It wasn't until my sophomore year of college that I was so far from home, so controlled by the disorder that I called my mom and said I wanted help. It was that or end my life, and I just had this feeling that my life wasn't supposed to end like that...so I chose to humble myself and get help. My parents helped put me through 6 months of treatment that have helped me get out of the cycle.

Keep loving her and supporting her, but don't talk about her food intake, or eating habits it will make her crawl into her disorder to hide even more. She needs to be the one to say out loud that she needs help.