Vent warning - why are husbands such jerks!

afitchpatrick

ya know this is not man hating this is called cold hard facts sum men r supportive and sum men r. my ex thought he was a know it all and was constantly telling me how to work out. like i'm goin to listen to the guy that can eat everything drink all kinds of beer and never excersise but can barely pinch his fat and cry about fat. sum men just want to put u down an sum dont i'm with a great guy now who doesnt judge me. if u dont like the posts dont read it. problem solved

mom23nuts

I would say all of this to him, only nicer. Maybe he is just trying to help but doesn't realize how he sounds or how it makes you feel when he does it. My fiance is like that. He can try as much as he can to help, but all it does is irritate me and make me feel bad. I told him that, and he stopped.

Believe me I have talked to him and it just makes him mad. I told him everything I said here and he just storms off.

Tell him, "that's nice honey, but I am not asking for your advice or for you to fix anything so hop on your bike and go for a ride and don't come home until you can start being nicer to me...make sure you pack extra water because knowing how you have been treating me lately it is going to be a hell of a LONG ride"

Elizabeth_C34

Maybe you should talk to him about the way you feel instead of venting on an online forum. Not all husbands are jerks. Mine isn't. I'm so sick of these over-generalized man hating threads on here.

Agreed.

To the OP: Just talk to him about it. Explain how you feel in a calm collected way in clear plain language. Sometimes people say things to help and they don't mean to hurt you.

songbyrdsweet

Men have all the answeres even if your not asking any questions! He will fix your problem even if you dont ask for his advise.

Hehe, SO true!

Men like to fix things. A wife will vent to her husband about something irritating at work, and immediately he will suggest some way to fix it, even if she didn't want any help. Your husband isn't really telling you that you're right...just that he knows what's better for you. Women do it to their hubbies too ("You're not loading the dishwasher right"). Most men really can't stand not 'fixing' a situation. I know my boyfriend is frustrated at times because we're so far apart and he can't fix the situation to make me feel better.

bcbman

I didn't read every post but as a husband I know we try and be overly helpful at times. I can assure you he has your best interest at heart. He is on a different fitness level then you are so doesn't relate to yours as well as he should. Sorry girls we are human also we make mistakes. Please take his comments as intended. He loves you and wants to help.

Sauchie

Personally, I believe that all men in there own way can at times say the "wrong thing". In my experience my ex's didn't learn to think before they spoke. My current boyfriend made that mistake once. When I started planning my weight loss plan he suggested nutrisystem and was willing to pay. Needless to say it upset me. Words were said and now hes very supportive. I'd talk to him. He might have had good intentions just couldn't really put it into the correct words. Best of Luck...

lovejoydavid

Men have all the answeres even if your not asking any questions! He will fix your problem even if you dont ask for his advise.

Hehe, SO true!

Men like to fix things. A wife will vent to her husband about something irritating at work, and immediately he will suggest some way to fix it, even if she didn't want any help. Your husband isn't really telling you that you're right...just that he knows what's better for you. Women do it to their hubbies too ("You're not loading the dishwasher right"). Most men really can't stand not 'fixing' a situation. I know my boyfriend is frustrated at times because we're so far apart and he can't fix the situation to make me feel better.

Now, that just isn't true! Most men aren't listening at all!

lovejoydavid

Personally, I believe that all men in there own way can at times say the "wrong thing". In my experience my ex's didn't learn to think before they spoke. My current boyfriend made that mistake once. When I started planning my weight loss plan he suggested nutrisystem and was willing to pay. Needless to say it upset me. Words were said and now hes very supportive. I'd talk to him. He might have had good intentions just couldn't really put it into the correct words. Best of Luck...

The only significant part of the 'wrong thing', I think, is the degree of effort placed on trying to make it NOT the wrong thing. Most communication theories agree that equal weight has to be placed on decoding the message as is placed on encoding. That is, how the receiver intreprets the content is just as significant as how the sender intended it. Communication is fluid, and occurs simulatenously. I think where men go wrong is when they get to a point where they no longer engage the process, fail to use what they have learned about the communication 'style' of their wife/SO, and talk to her like they would another man. Communication is work, and we get lazy.

bloodbank

I don't know about everyone else, but my husband is awesome... which is why I'm married to him.

Anyway, he's right. Pedaling a stationary bike isn't the same as riding up & down mountains, and yes, if you traded your gym bike for a mountain trail, the results would be different. However, a stationary bike is better than no bike, so you're doing good so far. Maybe one day you'll have him show you the ropes of the mountain and you can bike together - which was probably the intent behind his statement. I'm sure he was trying to be helpful.

songbyrdsweet

Men have all the answeres even if your not asking any questions! He will fix your problem even if you dont ask for his advise.

Hehe, SO true!

Men like to fix things. A wife will vent to her husband about something irritating at work, and immediately he will suggest some way to fix it, even if she didn't want any help. Your husband isn't really telling you that you're right...just that he knows what's better for you. Women do it to their hubbies too ("You're not loading the dishwasher right"). Most men really can't stand not 'fixing' a situation. I know my boyfriend is frustrated at times because we're so far apart and he can't fix the situation to make me feel better.

Now, that just isn't true! Most men aren't listening at all!

LOL :laugh:

That's why you do the "What do you think about it?" test. It's really funny when you catch them unawares and they have no idea what to say! The thing is not to get upset at them for it. Although my boyfriend is really good at hearing even when he's not listening...he can be like, "Oh, you said x and y," even when he was watching TV or looking at a book! I'm a little jealous of his ability.

millerll

I'm afraid I don't have much relationship advice for you, except to suggest that this was his way of saying he wants to spend more time with you and actually wants you to go riding with him? Some people use the indirect route, ya know?

I'm not taking sides here, but I have to say he may have a point. The article below is an excellent argument against steady-state cardio, unless you're training for an endurance event. Check out the rest of the site for great info on exercise and nutrition.

Whatever you decide, try to remember that he means well, even if his delivery needs some work. Good luck!

http://graemethomasonline.com/ladies-cardio-sucks-for-weight-loss/

Katie3784

He definitely should be more supportive and open minded. I see where's he's coming from as long bouts of moderate cardio mainly improves heart health, but there are certainly other ways of getting in shape besides mountain biking. Have you thought to try HIIT or weights? Also, you can't say whether or not somebody is fit just based on their weight. Even overweight people can be fit, just as average weight people can be very unfit.

mynameisnutz

To be fair and from a totally unbiased perspective, the recumbent bike is probably the most useless piece of equipment in the gym.

hemlock2010

If he's a serious road biker, he may have some deep-seated prejudices against spinning which you are never going to be able to change. So, fair enough, that's his sport, and he's entitled to be an avid supporter. And the more he loves you, the more he wants to see you do the sport "right"(i.e. his way).

So maybe instead of using the bike at the gym, you could use the elliptical or take kickboxing. That way, you could do fitness on your terms without activating his prejudices. And if you have some other kind of fitness to talk about (like your kickboxing class) when you get home from the gym, you don't have to mention the 45 minutes you also spent on the recumbent bike.

My sister is like that--if you're doing one of the things she's serious about, she's the world's expert on it, and you can only do it HER way. It drives me crazy, but it's also really pushed me to develop different interests of my own.

RozeGod

Maybe you should talk to him about the way you feel instead of venting on an online forum. Not all husbands are jerks. Mine isn't. I'm so sick of these over-generalized man hating threads on here.

Wow, where did that come from?

Take it easy will ya?

myofibril

To be fair and from a totally unbiased perspective, the recumbent bike is probably the most useless piece of equipment in the gym.

This guy has a point...

Atlantique

So my loving husband tells me today that riding the recumbent bike at the gym for 65 minutes will never give me the results I need. He said I should push myself harder if I want to be fit! He is an avid bike rider and thinks that only riding the bike up and down mountain passes is how people get fit. He can be such a jerk! I said I was doing great with my fitness plan and he said don't argue fitness with me, I know fitness. He weighs 250 and is 6'1 I don't consider that fit, do you? Yes he can ride his bike over mountain passes and bench his weight but I am not unfit riding a bike at the gym. He wants me outside riding the bike in 95 degree weather - maybe he is just after my life insurance policy!!

Grrrrr I do not know how to handle this!! He makes me so mad why can't he be supportive and say how nice it is to see me going to the gym, but no nothing is good enough unless it was his idea and his plan!

I'm assuming that with 90 pounds to lose, you were pretty sedentary prior to embarking on this journey. Being able to ride the recumbent bike at the gym for 65 minutes is a great accomplishment for a formerly sedentary person and is quite possibly sufficient cardio for you at this point in your plan. It also protects your joints and your back.

Your husband has a point that 65 minutes on the recumbent bike with no other exercise isn't likely to get you on the cover of a fitness magazine, but that doesn't mean it isn't a challenging workout for you TODAY. As it becomes easier, you'll find ways to challenge yourself again.

No, most men who are 6'1" and 250 are not terribly fit. Most of them could lose 35-60 pounds. A few of them are professional bodybuilders and that weight is fine on them, but I suspect you'd know if you were married to one of those.

My guess about this argument is that it has nothing to do with the recumbent bike. It has to do with his insecurity about the changes youa re making in your life, health and appearance. Most men get uneasy when their wives start spending a lot of time working on their health and appearance, and they get even more uneasy when the results can be seen.

clancie518

I didn't read everyones advice (being as they are to many), but remember you are doing this for you, and if you feel and see results, try not to let him get to you... explaining to him how you feel may help, but i find that men want you to solve problems (hence, him telling you how to do it) and women just listen (we just want to be heard), so.. this is for "you" first, so listen to you and when those pounds come off, he will have a different attitude about it... good luck and keep it up, your doing great!!!!

denverdeb1

Thanks for all the advice. I really do love my husband and did feel much better after I went and rode and then did my weight routine. Great stress relief. I think maybe he just wants me to ride more with him outside which I do on Saturday mornings when it is cooler but not over any mountain passes - LOL! When I got home, he didn't say a word and either did I. Thought it was better to just drop it than fight. Sad thing is the only time we argue is when it comes to working out. I know it just wants what is best for me. I just have one of those personalities where you tell me to do something I get mad and do the complete opposite. My sister even told him that cause she is the same way. Not a good personality trait!

I use to do the ellipitical until I had partial knee replacement (need a full on the other one but putting off until weight is off) and then sometimes it just hurts my knees, when I do the upright bike my partially replaced knee pops the whole time which I am not sure is normal. I do the random level on the bike so I am not just spinning my wheels but I know outside riding is better! I also do weights three times a week which I love - can't wait to be able to see the muscles coming out when the fat is gone!

Again, thanks so much for the advise and encouragement. It is nice to have some place to vent and have people offer constructive advice. Sometimes it is hard to do that with people you know in real like and who also know my husband ! With a site like this, I really feel I can succeed on my goal. Have a great and healthy day!

BeeElMarvin

Fit?? According to BMI he is OBESE! Do your own thing! But, please don't put all husbands in the same category...

ilookthetype

So my loving husband tells me today that riding the recumbent bike at the gym for 65 minutes will never give me the results I need. He said I should push myself harder if I want to be fit! He is an avid bike rider and thinks that only riding the bike up and down mountain passes is how people get fit. He can be such a jerk! I said I was doing great with my fitness plan and he said don't argue fitness with me, I know fitness. He weighs 250 and is 6'1 I don't consider that fit, do you? Yes he can ride his bike over mountain passes and bench his weight but I am not unfit riding a bike at the gym. He wants me outside riding the bike in 95 degree weather - maybe he is just after my life insurance policy!!

Grrrrr I do not know how to handle this!! He makes me so mad why can't he be supportive and say how nice it is to see me going to the gym, but no nothing is good enough unless it was his idea and his plan!

Any chance he just REALLY sucks at asking to spend time with you doing something he likes? Also, men, in my experience, like to fix things faster and tend to think they're right. (*I really like men and I find this annoying but terribly endearing and adorable*) Is he particularly good at communicating otherwise? I'd hear what he said as a 'communication flop' he's trying to be helpful, he's suggesting something he likes and finds a reward in, and something he feels he's benefitted from and is trying to share that with you. Sure, he sucked at the communication, but he tried. Also, did you explain the programs on the bike at the gym? I know my program is hills and resistance and it freaking kills me, regularly, and I love it for that, especially since i can do it in a/c and not 95 degree heat!

My suggestion, since you do seemed concerned with his fitness come to an agreement, maybe once a week bike with him and in exchange he can give the gym a chance, or eat healthier with you.

heatherdoll40

Some one always know whats better for you. It could be your friend, mother, brother, father, sister, husband, or wife. At one point or another some one close to you will give hurtfull and unsolicited advice. Be a duck with rain and let it all slide off your back.
Your problem seems pretty easy, shake your head saddly and say "maybe when the weather is cooler, but I don't think I'm ready for that right now." or even in the heat of an argument about this all you need to do is let him know you heard what he had to say.

And wow they have laying down bike thingies at a gym, I haven't been to a gym, there are a couple of guys that ride those up and down the highway here in my neck of the woods they look cool. I'm sure the one in the gym isn't as cool.

Hugh Jackman was 200 pounds filming his wolverine role and he is 6'1" guys with bigger mucles weigh more. I can't say wether or not your hubby is fit or not, but he can't be too bad to mountain bike in crummy hot weather