My fight with an eating disorder

lucylou9701

Darkness all around me is all I ever seem to see. I fear having to sleep at night because I know that before I fall asleep I have all the time in the world to think. What do I think about? I think about how great it would be if I could slide into a bikini or fit into a size 0. I think about what it would be like to be loved for who I am. But I don't just think about what I would like to be I think about what I am now. I see a fat girl with no self confidence who her whole life strives to be who everyone else wants her to be. I see a girl who struggles every morning whether to eat or not to eat because if she does eat she feels guilty. My entire life has been a whirl wind of hurtful words. Everyday hearing how fat I was, how I looked weird or disgusting. The words stung to the most inward parts of me. I still remember the first time I was told I was fat. It was my first year of school, kindergarten. I remember seeing a huge slide and thinking I cannot wait to go on that, until it got ruined by a horrible person who thought it would be funny to make my life a living hell. I climbed the stairs, my pudgy little legs climbing as fast as they could. I got to the top and looked down and thought I was like a princess at the top of her castle but the next thing I knew I felt worse than a worm in the dirt. I was about to sit down and slide down that incredible slide when “he” decided to ruin it. He struck his arm out and told me that I was too fat to ride the slide. He told me that it would break underneath me and that it would ruin it for all the other kids. I ran away crying believing that I was the most fattest girl ever. Still to that day I can remember running off to the forest where I climbed a tree and sat down, fresh hot tears streaming down my face. It did not stop after that either. Grade 8 I thought would be the best year of my life. I thought I would remember it forever but all I think of when I think of grade 8 is how glad I am that it is over. Grade 8 is when I really realized that I was fat so I started starving myself. I did not do it because I thought I looked bad but I was tired of walking down the hallways hearing the snickers and the whispers. I was tired of being sent messages to formspring about how fat I am and how I looked like a whale. I lost weight but I also lost a lot more. I lost hair, dignity and respect. It started with just eating less and less. Eating 1000 calories a day instead of 2000 but after 5 months I went from eating 2000 calories a day to eating 200. My body started to show it too. Though I was still overweight I had lost 45 pounds and looked pretty good. Not good enough for me though. I kept starving myself to the point where my hair started falling out because my body was not receiving proper nutrition. Dark bags appeared under my eyes and bones started to show in my neck. I liked the weight loss though I was finally becoming skinny. But after being admitted to the hospital twice for being severely dehydrated I finally realized what i was doing, I was practically killing myself. So I want this to be a message to anyone and everyone who will listen DO NOT STARVE yourself not only did my eating disorder take away two years of my life but i am left with the emotional scars. I still struggle with it to this day but i know what is healthy and what is not now. Keep fighting to be healthy but never starve yourself because whoever you are YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! No matter what idiot tells you otherwise blow it off. Change because you want to change. Be yourself and love who you are like I have learned to love myself Listen too your heart and be who you are and want to be
Love always. BeAuTiFuL

doublechinny

You are so strong! I am so happy you overcame that eating disorder!

ashlinmarie

Great post and one that hits close to home for me. Luckily for me, my friends saw what I was doing to myself and told my mom and got me help before I was hospitalized, but at 103 lbs, I was still a C cup and size 3 and I hated my body. Now I'd kill for a size 6 (but will work my butt off the right way this time as opposed to eating 300 calories a day)

susyseq

Your story almost made me cry
I suffered from an eating disorder too when I was in H.S. and even though I lost the weight in my eyes, I was still fat.
When I look at the pictures back when I was skinny I tell myself how crazy sick I was to believe I was fat when I was so skinny. It's sad that some kids in school make you feel that way.
I'm sorry some idiot made you feel miserable sweaty, you are a beautiful girl, don't ever let anyone put you down. You are worth a lot always remember that. God bless you :flowerforyou:

LauraMarie37

You will beat this! It's a hard battle to fight, but there are lots of women who have successfully fought that demon and emerged stronger, healthier, and loving/understanding themselves better. Find people who love you for who you are and learn from that love! You are beautiful and you can do this!

gingerfoxxx

It's something you will fight for the rest of your life, but you seem to be on the upswing. Keep healing and thinking positively and know that you are never alone, and there are always people who have been there as well and can help support you

susyseq

Your story almost made me cry
I suffered from an eating disorder too when I was in H.S. and even though I lost the weight in my eyes, I was still fat.
When I look at the pictures back when I was skinny I tell myself how crazy sick I was to believe I was fat when I was so skinny. It's sad that some kids in school make you feel that way.
I'm sorry some idiot made you feel miserable sweaty, you are a beautiful girl, don't ever let anyone put you down. You are worth a lot always remember that. God bless you :flowerforyou:

Omg typo! I meant sweetie sorry!

starboardzor

Powerful stuff. Thank you for sharing. I'm 26 years old and I've spent many years feeding my self hate. I landed myself in terrible situations over and over again thanks to it.

Just to piggyback on what you said...

My life didn't get better until I found a reason to live. I found goals that were bigger than myself. Bigger than my physical SELF. I had to get out of my head otherwise I was going to go crazy.

For me it was college and the military. But goals are goals. Find a reason to keep going that has nothing to do with whatever you're self conscious about. Everything else will fall into place as a result and loving yourself will get easier.

Life happens when you get scared and nervous and decide to jump anyway.

queen_bea

a terrible story but a beautiful message.

YOU are amazing my dear. It takes alot of guts and strength to see red and come back out of that downward spiral.

All the best to you, and your journey to healthy-ness. You deserve the world! xoxoxox

RozeGod

Thank you for sharing your life - you are a sacred being and it shows

tgh1914

I admire you for your courage and what you've overcome/continue to overcome. You've got a great attitude and I wish others here could hear your message too - it needs to be heard. Thanks for sharing and feel free to add me if you want my support.

sla0814

First off, you are BEAUTIFUL! You are amazing, you WILL find a man that loves you for you...I think confidence comes in time...I'm still trying to figure that part out!!

Anywho, feel free to add me for encouragement or support! God bless

Jackie_Snape80

I wish I could have heard this around 7 months ago when I first started my "diet" and losing weight. Then again, I probably wouldn't have listened or would have shrugged it off.

I can't agree more on the nature of an ED. It takes away things..slowly, before you even notice. Being unable to walk by a scale without hopping on(regardless of the last time you weighed), Being unable to eat anything without knowing the calories in every bite(often afraid of items 100 cal plus), slowly eliminating "bad" foods(even all the things you once enjoyed so much, no longer being able to eat around others or go out anywhere), being if you can "beat" yesterday's low...all of these things. It eventually cuts into your relationships with others...family, friends, spouses/. I'm getting help(yet, fighting it) before this takes years away from me. I'm trying so hard to get better, yet I don't want to much of the time. It's terrifying.

I'm so glad that you were able to share your story. It brings awareness to those who no little about ppl with ED, and makes those who do feel less alone. Thank you! ^_^

Twister19

Thank you so much for sharing this! Last year when I first started losing weight, it was great. I lost 15 pounds naturally and quickly, but then I hit a wall. No matter what I did, I just couldn't seem to lose any more. So around February I started making myself throw up. At first,it was exciting. I could eat whatever I wanted and not feel guilty about it. I told myself I would only do it sometimes, like if I overate or something. But I started doing it more and more, I would get so upset if I couldn't! I would hate myself if I couldn't get to a bathroom after I ate. In the few months that I did this, I only lost about 7 pounds (which I have since gained back), it was never worth it. Then, about a month ago, my brother's best friend passed away from cancer. He was 19. This made me realize how precious life is and not to take it for granted. Since then, I have mostly stopped, but every once in a while I feel like I can't help myself. I just wish it hadn't taken this to realize what I was doing to myself.

Thank you for making me feel less alone.