Unsupportive Significant Others

Athena413

So I got married about 4.5 years ago and while we were dating he was one of the nicest, sweetest people. Then we said "I do" and a switch flipped and he gradually started becoming a major douche bag. Here in the last few months is has become progressively worse to where I can hardly stand being around him because he's so negative, rude, selfish, and unappreciative...and I just wasn't raised to treat people like that, so it really bothers me. For example: the other day I FINALLY got under 250, which I've been trying to do for a while now, and the first words out of his mouth were "Yeah, but can you keep it there?" Seriously? Did he really just say that? Needless to say, I was livid, and almost cried. He knows he really upset me and has put forth no effort whatsoever to try and make up for it. He could have at least pretended to be happy for me.

I'm not one of those people who is just divorce-happy, so I'm not considering leaving him or anything (at least not at this point), so I'm just curious as to if anyone else has had to deal with this and, if so, how?

erinoldham19

my husband tells me he thinks i'm fine where i am and eats a tub of ice cream in front of me..i know its not the same as what was said to you but its just another was of being supportive.. sorry you have to hear things like that.. i hope your answer was actually no i'm going to keep going and get even lower.. good luck.. stick with it you can show him!

KourtneyP83

Bless your heart! I can't imagine being married to someone that was unsupportive like that. I think I would have smacked someone if they had said that to me. I think I would have a sit down talk and tell him how hurtful he is and how he can change. Tell him that you need his support to go through this life changing journey. If he continues to be unsupportive I think I'd give some ultimatums. Keep up your great weight loss work and know you are doing an awesome job even if he doesn't validate that for you!

dustyhockeymom

I am sorry that you got that response. I finally got under 250 last week and my husband said Congratulations I am so proud of you. That is what you deserve too. It doesn't sound like you can talk to him about how he is making you feel or how much you need his support. If you think you can, then that would be my suggestion. If you can't have that kind of conversation with him then it will be difficult for you to ever get the support you need and deserve. Your partner should be your biggest cheerleader.

Elzecat

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think it's "divorce-happy" to believe and expect that you deserve better than that. You have GOT to know that you do deserve better, right? I would recommend counseling.

I've been single a very long time...I'm lonely but I also refuse to spend any time with someone who treats me like you just described. I would rather be alone.

4dogmommy

My husband has also been that way. At one point I was down to 155 pounds and he said he would take me to any bakery if I would just eat something different. Eventually I gave in and gained it all back and more. I think maybe he was just afraid that I would change if I lost weight and maybe wouldn't feel the same way about him as that is what happened to his uncle when his uncle's wife lost weight. Good luck and keep doing it for you. I know that's hard but you are worth it!

Shari

bunchesonothing

Ohhh... the things I would say. But then again, my husband would be expecting something back.

Have you asked him what bug crawled up his butt and died lately?

Athena413

I've tried talking to him about his attitude on multiple occasions, but it just seems to go in one ear and out the other. He likes to make excuses for all of his actions, so nothing is ever his fault...somehow it's always "I didn't feel good" or "Well, I wouldn't have done that if you didn't do..." or (my favorite) "I forgot..."

bunchesonothing

Did you ask him how he would feel if you said similar things to him?

Athena413

I'm sorry to hear this. I don't think it's "divorce-happy" to believe and expect that you deserve better than that. You have GOT to know that you do deserve better, right? I would recommend counseling.

I've been single a very long time...I'm lonely but I also refuse to spend any time with someone who treats me like you just described. I would rather be alone.

I KNOW I deserve better than that and he used to treat me better than that...that's what pisses me off so much. I know he CAN be a nice guy...I just don't know why he isn't anymore.

a_q_u_a_lizard

unfortunately, too often in life there is alot of people who have a hard time being happy for someone else, but this means that they themselves are unhappy. the trick is finding people who are supportive and surrounding yourself with them. he is your husband and should be supportive so you should let him know that. keep your positive attitude! if he has a weight problem, then invite him to get healthy with you and find things you can do togeather to include him. you may find that when you start to change through this process, you will want to make some changes.

Athena413

Did you ask him how he would feel if you said similar things to him?

My husband looks like Johnny Depp...literally...so I would have no reason to say things like that to him as he has NEVER struggled with weight.

bunchesonothing

Nobody is nit-pick proof. Nobody human is perfect on every front. I don't care what they look like. If he is so confident that he doesn't realize his flaws, he is over-confident.

bunchesonothing

Johnny Depp is a sexy human, but still human.

Athena413

I think he's just oblivious (or just doesn't care) about how he comes off to people. It's just so weird because, like I said, he used to be REALLY sweet...and now he's just so different.

pipthegirl

My husband's a complete butt if he doesn't get his eight hours.

I was home for one night and one day after having my baby, and he started whining that the house was a mess and I should get out of bed and clean it. So I got out of bed, collected all the stuff he left lying around and dumped it on his side and said "I did my half, this is all yours!" He apologized, and cleaned up his stuff, then gave me a back rub.

The other night, he was running on four hours sleep, and our daughter woke up crying at three AM, and I didn't throw off the covers, climb over him, and grab her a bottle fast enough, so he yelled at her to shut up, and told me to quit being so lazy. Next morning, he asked me where his work clothes were, and I told him I didn't know, maybe he should quit being so lazy and find them. He asked me why I was being so mean, and I told him what he'd done the night before, and he said "I'm sorry, I was asleep, I hadn't realized, and I didn't mean to be such a ****." So I walked over to the basket of laundry I hadn't yet put away and pulled out his clothes for him

When I was whining to him about how my belly skin is so wrinkly and covered in stretchmarks and my boobs are so big they enter a room twenty minutes before the rest of me, he was like "Well, it's because you're fat, what do you expect, you just had a baby, though I have no idea how you managed to gain 80 lbs when she was only five. Your *kitten* is probably going to look like cottage cheese forever. It's a good thing you wear swim trunks when we go to the pool." I told him that I could at least do something about being overweight, he couldn't do squat about his face, and that really was a shame. He stuck his tongue out at me, and said "I didn't mean it like that, you're still hot to me, and that's all that matters"

Usually after I bring things to his attention with sarcastic and snide comments, he realizes what he'd said or done and apologizes. I wouldn't suggest doing this with your husband, but he tells me rather frequently that he married me because I'm mean, sarcastic, and brutally honest and it entertains him. I also have the benefit of having skin thicker than steel, so it's pretty hard to hurt my feelings.

As for your husband looking like Johnny Depp, well, mine's not exactly bad looking himself -- 6'1, 175 lbs, all muscle. I swear I catch myself drooling while staring at his butt rather frequently, and I now have a reputation with the inlaws for being sex crazed as a result. Girls stare at him when we go grocery shopping, and I always have this silly desire to grab his nuts, beat my chest, and grunt while telling them "THIS IS MINE." And the best part? I got him with my mind, not with my boobs.

Edited to add: I hadn't realized how hard it was to find the point in this message, being talk to him, in whatever way he understands best, for mine, it's sarcasm, for yours, it might be just gentle talking too. Adjust your approach for his personality and mood.

Athena413

LOL....nice. But at least he realizes he's been a douche and apologizes. Nick just makes excuses and go back to whatever he was doing.

Athena413

And I'm really not that high maintenance...a simple "thank you" or "you look cute today" would hold me over for a pretty long time. I think that's why I like MFP so much...everyone on here is so supportive and nice...it's a nice change for me.

pipthegirl

He might just not realize how much it hurt you, or that he's really being a douche, or be afraid to admit that he messed up. Maybe he's insecure about losing you, and afraid if he doesn't appear the manly man who never apologizes that you won't want him any more.

Guys -- even the perfect ones -- are just as insecure as we are. I mean, my husband could get any girl he wants -- ones that are infinitely more attractive than me (and I've met a few of his ex's, to this day I have no idea how he went from supermodel hot to someone who can't be bothered to wear makeup or brush her hair half the time). He's still paranoid that he's not good enough for me, and worries that I'll leave him, even though I've never once given him the impression that I love him any less than the day I married him, and if anything, I love him more. He thinks he's stupid compared to me, because I did amazingly in school and got scouted by Hopkins for med school. It's silly, because this boy knows more about history, philosophy, physics, and life than I could ever hope too. I might know the mammalian brain like the back of my hand, but I'm 24 and only just realized how to work the microwave three days ago. It's easy, you hit either one through six, for one minute through six minutes, or you hit start for 30 seconds, but it took me four months to figure it out.

I might speak four languages, and do math for fun, but I can barely drive and I always end up putting my clothes on backwards, and the last time I tried to comb my hair, I got distracted and spent the day walking around with a comb stuck in the rat's nest that is the back of my head.

It doesn't matter to him though, because to him, he's still not good enough.

Does that make sense?

Athena413

He apologizes for things all the time...but I don't think he really knows the definition of the word "sorry". I was taught that when you're sorry for something, you apologize then at least TRY not to repeat the very action you were supposedly sorry for. With him, he apologizes, then turns right around and does it again. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry". I want to SEE "I'm sorry".

jenbusick

Just a thought, but have you ever looked up "passive aggression"? 'cause that's what that sounds like. If you google it, you can find strategies for dealing with people who behave that way.

I am sorry he said that to you; that was very hurtful and unkind. You've done a fantastic job to get below that benchmark! Good work!

pipthegirl

That I don't have an answer too yet. My husband's always saying he's standing up to my MIL on my behalf, and then not doing so, and then getting mad at me when I complain to him about it. Tomorrow, I intend on confronting her if she asks me to step out of the way so she can get a family photo of my husband and daughter, or if she forgets to introduce me, or introduces me as the "woman taking care of [her] grandkid."

I'll let you know which strategy ends up working best.

xraychick77

well sounds like you either put up with it or divorce him. might as well use and abuse those rights you have..and be happy you have them.

Athena413

Just a thought, but have you ever looked up "passive aggression"? 'cause that's what that sounds like. If you google it, you can find strategies for dealing with people who behave that way.

I am sorry he said that to you; that was very hurtful and unkind. You've done a fantastic job to get below that benchmark! Good work!

Thanks...I'll have to check that out!

jenbusick

He apologizes for things all the time...but I don't think he really knows the definition of the word "sorry". I was taught that when you're sorry for something, you apologize then at least TRY not to repeat the very action you were supposedly sorry for. With him, he apologizes, then turns right around and does it again. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry". I want to SEE "I'm sorry".

Ya. Definitely look up 'passive-aggression' or 'passive-aggressive.' There are ways of coping. You need 'em.

Spedden

We're all here for you, and I think it's fantastic that you got under 250! Yes, you will be able to keep it under 250, because you are a wonderful human being and a strong person. Sorry you don't have support at home, but the MFP members will always be cheering you on, and will be very proud of you!:flowerforyou:

Athena413

I think I found a strategy...

So we're off work today for the holiday and as we're lying in bed snuggling, one thing leads to another, then....well...you can be the author here. ANYWAY...afterwards, as we're post-snuggling, he says "Is your tummy getting flatter?"...

So...I may have to test this theory...but maybe the key to getting what I want is giving him more of what every man wants...which isn't exactly a bad trade-off I suppose. :blushing:

jenbusick

I think I found a strategy...

So we're off work today for the holiday and as we're lying in bed snuggling, one thing leads to another, then....well...you can be the author here. ANYWAY...afterwards, as we're post-snuggling, he says "Is your tummy getting flatter?"...

So...I may have to test this theory...but maybe the key to getting what I want is giving him more of what every man wants...which isn't exactly a bad trade-off I suppose. :blushing:

LOL sounds like a win-win to me! Good for you!