My spouse does not want to be intimate

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jade3599
jade3599 Posts: 22
in Health and Weight Loss
Hello all
I know this subject is very personal.. but is a major wall in my wanting to get thin.
My husband is not interestd as i am in bedroom activities as much as i am.. no matter
what size i am
I have lost all ambition to be sexy and attractive becuz I feel like what is the point?
I have gotten comfortable overweight. He makes negative comments but really
he wasn't interested when I was thinner.
Any encouragement or comments apprecieated.

Replies

  • bunchesonothing
    bunchesonothing Posts: 1,015 Member
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    I wish I had a better story for you, but my ex husband was the same. I wanted to go to counseling for that and some other issues. Honestly, anything that is important to you, should be important to both of you. Maybe try that....
  • NikkisNewStart
    NikkisNewStart Posts: 1,100 Member
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    I have lost all ambition to be sexy and attractive becuz I feel like what is the point?

    You have to find the strength to love yourself and care about your own health before anyone else can fully appreciate you. The point is that you have one life and should live it as healthy and happily as possible.

    I don't have any words of encouragement for your marriage... but you have to love yourself before you can expect others to love you in return.
  • Mad_Dog_Muscle
    Mad_Dog_Muscle Posts: 1,251 Member
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    It makes it very difficult when one has different goals and reasons for motivation. If couples therapy doesn't work, some serious soul searching may be in order....although I am sure you have been doing that already. Good luck
  • jbqueen
    jbqueen Posts: 89 Member
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    I'm sorry to hear that, and I know how you feel. That was a big issue in my marriage, as well; it's so devastating and makes you feel incredibly lonely. The best advice is Dear Abby's: try to get him to see a counselor with you, and if he won't go, go by yourself.

    Best of luck!!!!
  • DanaKinzer
    DanaKinzer Posts: 72
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    His lack of intimacy may have absolutely nothing to do with you. I am very lucky that I have a husband who understands I just am not sexual. Seriously. It's a chore. I'd rather fold laundry, clean the bathroom, scrub floors with a toothbrush and it has not one single thing to do with him. I love him dearly and show him that in many other ways.

    Ask him why he doesn't want to be intimate. See what he says. It may have nothing to do with you or your weight. It may just possibly be him!
  • ChantalGG
    ChantalGG Posts: 2,404 Member
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    Are you coming on to him or are you waiting for him to start it up? Try buying yourself a sexy new night gown, buy a sexy toy , and when it is bedtime give him a show. lol bet you might get him interested, unless he is a prude or something else is going on with him.. Have you openly talk about it or are you just holding on to this?

    I have been there.
  • kelsully
    kelsully Posts: 1,008 Member
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    is HE depressed? I have my own intimacy issues but they are not at all related to my husband...it has everything to do with me and tied into my own self esteem and a scary pregnancy etc.
  • beccau_20
    beccau_20 Posts: 191 Member
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    Perhaps he should see a doctor? I would rule out any medical/emotional issues before you assume it's a problem with your weight.
  • christine24t
    christine24t Posts: 6,063 Member
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    Perhaps he should see a doctor? I would rule out any medical/emotional issues before you assume it's a problem with your weight.

    Just what I was gonna say, especially because you said it's always been like that.
  • adamswife01
    adamswife01 Posts: 95 Member
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    firstly you should lose weight for you. The most sexy beautiful thing is Confidence. You could have the most perfect body on earth but with out confidence and self love it doesnt matter. Also is there any extra stress in your hubbys life. And like one of the other posters mentioned, some people are not as sexual.... So when you do get to make love, remember QUALITY trumps Quantity. If you only do it once a month, but is it so satisfying and wonderful, then you can look forward to it. If your are just doing it to make a quota, then you wont be satisfied whether you do it ten or 100 times that month. Early in my marriage I was hung up on making sure we did it often so I could meet the national average (I was young okay.... I know its silly) that I was missing the point of the intimacy, fun, and joy. Now (especially since I have two kids) I enjoy it as much as I can when get together because I know I and my hubby can enjoy the quality. I hope this helps.
  • northstar699
    northstar699 Posts: 99 Member
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    I agree with both groups. First and foremost, try to have open communication with him. Hopefully you feel comfortable enough with him to ask him these kinds of questions, but I'm sure it's awkward no matter what. Be strong and really try to get straight answers.

    If I were you I would ask if he has always had a low sex drive/intimacy issues. If he says yes, get him an appointment with a doctor. If the problems started more recently, encourage him to attend therapy or take sex classes or one of the hundreds of options available for couples having the same problems. I'd be willing to bet that either way, you have very little or nothing to do with his lack of urge, at least not in terms of your personal appearance. Make sure that you get him to understand that his lack of intimacy is hurting you and causing you to doubt yourself. Sex is such an important part of expressing intimacy and I totally believe lack of sex can kill a relationship. This is definitely one of those "you will do this if you care about me/our relationship" situations.

    In the meantime, explore your sexuality on your own! Pamper yourself, wear something sexy around the house, get a toy (and USE it!), push your boundaries and have fun. And don't hide it from him either! I know that my man appreciates hearing about my "alone time" when he's on a business trip or other little stories like that. It's good to be reminded that your partner is a sexual creature from time to time and reminds him that you have needs.

    By the way, that was officially the weirdest rant to a stranger... Good luck, I hope everything works out for you both!
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
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    Divorce was created for a reason...Of course I don't know either of you, but it doesn't sound like your husband is a very loving or supportive partner. From what I can tell you are young and pretty...not sure what your husband sees, but I can bet ya that there are plenty of men who see you the way I do!
  • crisanderson27
    crisanderson27 Posts: 5,343 Member
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    Did you say he makes negative comments??

    I will never, ever recommend divorce...not that somtimes it isn't the only option...but honestly, that's for you two to decide...not for some internet jockey to suggest based on only a few paragraphs (or even PAGES) of the story...coming from one half of the relationship.

    Know what I mean?

    Anyway though, if he's making negative comments about your weight...and you two aren't sleeping together...you guys need to get some help. I could never have attacked even my ex's insecurities like that (and trust me...there were times she earned it and more...)...it's not right and it should hurt the person doing the saying as much as the person it's being said to if there's love involved. To me the sexual part of it is secondary to the verbal part...by ten miles. Sometimes people just don't have the drive for sex...but never is there an excuse for belittling your partners appearance.

    I think that you guys definitely need to seek some help...if your relationship is at all important to the both of you.

    Good luck hun...you're in a tough position =(.

    Cris
  • cherubcrnp
    cherubcrnp Posts: 730 Member
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    My heart goes out to you, but I agree....couples counseling. If he won't go, then go yourself.

    Pam
  • mike_littlerock
    mike_littlerock Posts: 296 Member
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    there is no detail about your husband, but he might be facing challenges of his own. Some of the questions that pop to mind are:
    a) recent loss of interest, or did his interest fall off over time.
    b) is he overweight?
    c) any signs of depression?

    The two big things that would be unrelated to you would be clinical depression, and low testosterone levels, which can both zap your libido. excess fat has an estrogenic effect in men, and higher estrogen levels and lower testosterone can make a HUGE difference in libido. I can understand if he is not openly communicating about these topics as sex drive and masculinity are tightly associated for a guy. Changes in hormone levels is pretty common as we get older, or fatter, but i think that these changes are more socially "comfortable" for women than men, and as a result many of the men that suffer from Low testosterone are suffering in silence. Many women will tell you freely if they are on hormone therapy but I cant think of a single guy to ever even mention that he has low testosterone levels, even though they are known to be very widely prescribed. If your husband gets a full physical, it is easy for the doctor to request testosterone tests to be added to his blood work and you will then get a better understanding if that is a factor. I dont mind being the first guy to have the balls to admit that I faced this issue myself. I was really down, not even feeling like myself. i always felt tired, and never felt like I had enough sleep. My wife is VERY hot, but I just did not feel my "normal" levels of libido. I was embarrassed as hell to bring this up with my doctor. I honestly did feel like it made me less of a man, but I knew it was something i needed to change. Even as I write this, I worry that others will judge me but overall I just dont give a crap if someone snickers. I was prescribed a testerone gel, and it has helped. dropping weight was a struggle because I had zero energy and had a hard time getting through the day. I have been eating right and working out hard since about March and I feel better each and every day. It is my hope that I can drop enough lard from my carcass that i can reduce or eliminate the testosterone gel as I get back in shape but if it is something I need to do for for the rest of my life for my well being, then I am ok with that. There might be other 47 year old men that are still as frisky as when they were teenagers, but I can say that my body did not like it when I was over 40% bodyfat and it felt like things were shutting down. This was something that made a big change for me and I love that I am feeling more like the old me every day.

    I will also note that there are big health concerns with low testosterone, several studies indicate links with a decreased life expectancy, loss of bone mass, etc..

    I think divorce might be quite drastic, especially if it is a medical issue combined with the ever powerful male ego.

    I will add one last comment. If anyone has questions about this, but does not want to ask them in the forum, please feel free to shoot me a private message..
  • sandyfeet10
    sandyfeet10 Posts: 280 Member
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    My best friend was having some similar trouble with her husband (they are both overweight). My friends asked her OBGyn about it and the Dr. recommended a sex therapist.

    It has literally saved their marriage. It is expensive, but it may help.

    Good luck mama!! Until you're both ready to get down, there's always the Rabbit!!! :happy:
  • rainbowbuggy
    rainbowbuggy Posts: 320
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    Yes I would suggest help as well. It might be hard to get him to agree to it but if he wants to save the marriage and make you happy he will do it. Good luck!

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