Unsupportive wife

Bartleyk11

For a while now, I've thought it was odd that my wife has not really acknowledged my weight loss. I was sort of starting to think that she may resent the fact that I was getting more healthy, and she was not. Tonight, she told me what she really thinks... she said that she thinks I am being too restrictive on my diet, and she cannot support what I am doing.

I am very upset. I don't know what to think right now. I tried to explain it to her, but she isn't receptive.

I know that I am doing the right thing, and I thought I was doing it for her as well as for me. But, I guess just doing it for me will have to be good enough.

get_fit2009

What exactly is she opposed to? The weight loss itself or the method you are using? (I.e., are you going really strict on what you eat or limiting your calories?)

Kathy_Noring

Did she give you any examples or further explanation about what she thinks is too restrictive about your diet? Change is difficult for a lot of people. It would be very difficult to deal with an unsupportive spouse, but I think you may be on to something that sometimes the people who love us are threatened by us changing.

Brandicaloriecountess

What are you restricting? Maybe she feels left out of this part of you life.

SueInAz

I can't see your diary, so can't comment on your wife's statement, but perhaps it's time you reevaluate what you're doing. I'm not saying she's right, but she is your wife. Either she loves you and is legitimately worried about what you're doing to yourself or, your initial assumption is correct and she's just saying she's worried about you when it's really another emotion that's causing her behavior. It's difficult to know the answer without the facts. It's something you may need to decide for yourself.

Schwiggity

I'm not happy to hear about your problem, but this is the first time I've seen the shoe on the other gender's foot in this type of predicament. What else did she say about it? What does an average food day for you look like that she thinks is too restrictive?

aabyrer

My mother was like this with my father. Even though they had been married for 25 years, she was afraid that if he lost all that weight, she would no longer be good enough for him. It sounds petty but it was a real concern to her. Make sure your wife knows you are 100 committed to her and your family, and that weight will never change any of that..

keb80

Is it possible she is just feeling a bit insecure about you losing weight, but instead of admitted to those feelings, she's trying to claim she's worried about you being too "restrictive"?

arw060310

If we could see your diary that would help a lot. She is either actually truly worried about you, or she is jealous of your weight loss and success because A) she hasnt had success or she doesnt want to and is mad that you are. What kind of diet are you on? How much do you exercise? Maybe you can have her join you for exercise or have her try to get involved with your diet and make it a "family thing".

AlsDonkBoxSquat

I can't see your diary, so can't comment on your wife's statement, but perhaps it's time you reevaluate what you're doing. I'm not saying she's right, but she is your wife. Either she loves you and is legitimately worried about what you're doing to yourself or, your initial assumption is correct and she's just saying she's worried about you when it's really another emotion that's causing her behavior. It's difficult to know the answer without the facts. It's something you may need to decide for yourself.

Agreed. At the same time if she doesn't have the motivation to get out and do it she may not want to support you because it's making her face what she's not holding herself accountable for. However, there could be some basis to what she says, I don't know without seeing your diary.

BobertC

yeah my wife doesn't like when I diet because I don't eat her cooking when i do. the calorie counting thing is easier but I like Atkins or the lemonade cleanse but she hates it

and she seldom acknowledges my weight loss, I get more support from strangers

JNick77

For a while now, I've thought it was odd that my wife has not really acknowledged my weight loss. I was sort of starting to think that she may resent the fact that I was getting more healthy, and she was not. Tonight, she told me what she really thinks... she said that she thinks I am being too restrictive on my diet, and she cannot support what I am doing.

I am very upset. I don't know what to think right now. I tried to explain it to her, but she isn't receptive.

I know that I am doing the right thing, and I thought I was doing it for her as well as for me. But, I guess just doing it for me will have to be good enough.

I feel you bro, my wife is the same way. When I'm doing a low-carb diet plan she'll make cookies and all kind of high carb / high sugar foods just to mess with, bring me home candy, etc. I came to the realization that I had to ignore my wife's opinion and just worry about what I thought.

zeeeb

sounds like your wife is in denial mode, she doesn't want to make those changes, so hates it that anyone else can have the strength to do so.

it's very sad that she won't support you. luckily you have a tonne of people on here who will support your new healthy lifestyle.

what does she say when you say that you want to be healthy for a long and happy life! That you'd rather not drop dead of a heart attack or get diet related diabetes or something equally as unpleasant?

Sounds like she needs a good old dose of the cold hard truth... It hurts, but sometimes it's necessary. my partner had to give me the cold hard and unpleasant truth many times before i decided that i didn't want to be a fat sloth anymore enough to make the change. But at least she could be encouraging and envious, and in awe of your hot new bod...

UltraRunnerGale

Change can be difficult and scary for people, even if it's for the best. When we change, we cause others in our lives to question what they are or are not doing in their own lives. You are doing something amazing and difficult and she may be feeling jealous or scared. Without seeing your food diary it's hard to tell whether her worries are founded. Good luck in your journey!! :drinker:

NancyAnne1960

It might be that she is trying to find an excuse for not eating healthier like you are. She likes the old bad stuff, and it's just hard for her to change, and she doesn't want to be forced into doing it??? Just a thought.

celestedavis

First of all, good job on losing 48 pounds!

Second, maybe she just wants to be heard. Usually food is the "wife job" and you eating something different and actually becoming healthy may be somewhat of an insult to her, without her even knowing it. Think about what she said, see if there is ANYTHING you can validate and let her know you appreciate her concern.

Thirdly, when you make a major change in your life it affects everyone in your circle and requires them to change also. You may not know of inner battles your change has created in her mind, heart, schedule or life. People usually resent change when it affects them or makes them feel threatened. Again, listen, what was she really saying?

Lastly, you have lost 48 pounds and are still alive so you must be doing something right. If she is concerned that you are eating a lot of fake diet food you should listen to that and start incorporating more real food. We had a client who drank 16 cups of coffee a day. When he quit is entire personality changed. He went from being high energy hyper to easy going and relaxed. His wife actually told him she didn't like him that way. His parents told him he must be going through some kind of mid life change. The truth is, for the first time since college, over 20 years, he was not drugged up with too much caffeine! Even HE didn't know his real personality. Now he is a different person in a wonderful way and his family has come along side and embraced his new life, teaching others how to live and eat healthy! It took his wife about a year to make the transition. Best wishes!

fatboypup

she thinks your gonna get looking good and leave her

mikeyken

I have to say I was that woman. I wasn't very supportive of my husband trying to lose wt, even though I know he needed to. Part of it was selfish, that I wasn't getting healthier and I wanted not to feel bad about my wanting to go out to eat. Part of it was that I thought he wasn't eating enough and depriving himself. He would fix a meal for me and the kids, then fix vegetables for him. I didn't want him to feel like he was being cheated and be in a bad mood. Then I realized he was happier when he was eating better foods for him and less amounts and was losing wt. I wanted to be part of it and have finally joined him in his journey. Hang in there. Maybe she will get it. I have lost 16 lbs, he has lost 26. We are both eating better and choosing better foods for our children, eating healthy together. Hope things get better for you.

Bartleyk11

Thank you all for the supportive comments. I made my diary public, if you care to look. I typically consume about 2000 calories per day, which is right where I should be. I have been losing 2 or 3 lbs per week.

zebulonap

I am also at a 2,000 calorie goal per day. It seems to be working so far. Congrats on the weight loss & whatever you do, keep it up!

Schwiggity

It does seem like you're just eating less of normal food (which isn't necessarily a horrible thing), but I wouldn't say you're deprived. Especially since you have an entire area on your tracker for beer. lol

barbiex3

haha nice state stuff.

anyways-- I definately do not know the situation enough to judge it, but based on what you are saying, it sounds like she may be upset because she is secretly self-concious or envious of your new found willpower to lose weight.

If she is overweight even a little bit, she may be envious of your ability to be losing weight. She may be upset with herself for not taking the inciative to lose her weight.

If she is super in shape or skinny or something maybe she is nervous that once you lose weight & get in good shape, you will get more attention from other women, and she is scared you will like the new attention more than you like her.


My boyfriend sometimes gets upset with my weight loss stuff when i say things like "ahh I wish I could have that" or "that looks so good" because he doesn't think I need to 'restrict' myself from eating DQ or Mcdonalds like he does because we both ate like that before and I was never even over weight at my highest.

So maybe she is just concerned that you want to lose weight because you were not super big to begin with! I donno, there could be a lot of reasons.

Once you get advice from this post, you should try to figure out what it could be then confront her about it.

Perhaps suggest she can join in with you if she wants or something! idk

hope this helped!! & congrats on making and sticking with a decision without support!

mikeyken

Your diary looks great, you don't seem to be depriving yourself and 2000 calories is great. a 2-3 lb wt loss a week for your size is perfect too. Just keep doin what your doin. I'm sure she'll come around

Bartleyk11

It does seem like you're just eating less of normal food (which isn't necessarily a horrible thing), but I wouldn't say you're deprived. Especially since you have an entire area on your tracker for beer. lol

I do love my beer.

EricInArlington

my heart goes out to you brother, I know how you feel my wife told me the same thing not to long ago and to top it my wife said " you are starting to act very arrogant " and then just a few day latter my mom said the exact same thing, that's a double blow.

I told my wife the reason why I wanted to change my life, Its because Nov 30 me and my middle daughter went to the doctor and I seen her weight 198, then I seen the look on her face, I almost wanted to cry right there, then I weighed in at 302 and right then and there I knew I needed to change the way I looked so my kids would want to do the same.

we are doing the right thing my friend and we also know the reasons why were doing it, keep your head up brother.

bethvandenberg

I'm so sorry to read this post and see the hurt in the words that you've posted....

Maybe it's time for some active listening.... You know where you say to her what you heard her say and tell her how you feel.

Maybe it's time for a date and some "cheat" meal to talk it over with her.... Maybe she's feeling left out or that her menu ideas are limited etc.

It's very difficult to try and figure it out. But in reality, I'm very sorry you're experiencing it and had your feelings hurt....

hang in there.

hroush

I agree with some others that it appears that you are just eating less than "normal", which is a good place to start.

My wife likes to make little comments as well. She doesn't care for my "protein" diet, or that I'm eating a lot more fiber (I can see that one due to the "effects", but I'm not stopping). Truthfully my wife doesn't even know everything that I do because I know she wouldn't like it. My wife also knows and exploits little ways to get me to eat more, such as "sharing" a snack, getting me to take her out to eat, threatening to throw something away (I don't waste food), etc. I will say that my wife is back on the weight loss band wagon, but who knows whether she'll stick with it this time.

skinnylegs1

You are definitely doing the right thing - is your wife maybe a little overweight and feels bad that she cannot do what you are doing ?

SueInAz

I love that you're fitting beer into your daily calories and while still losing weight! Congrats on what you've lost so far. While you've got the cutting calories part down, you're still eating a lot of fast foods and processed meals. When it comes to the point that you need to eat less calories to continue to lose weight (and I promise you, that point will come!) that will be the easiest area to cut some extra fat and calories out. At that point, if not sooner, you'll want to start adding in fruits and vegetables to replace those higher calorie foods. That's the only thing that's really lacking from your diet right now.

Having looked at your diary, your wife doesn't have a legitimate concern for your weight loss. You are eating probably the same things you were before but less of them. I have a feeling that your wife is probably feeling insecure and perhaps a bit jealous. There's nothing like a loved one losing weight when we know we really need to make us jealous, insecure and guilty.

It may be time to sit down with her and have a really serious talk. First, remind her that you are currently eating the recommended 2000 calories a day for an adult. You are not under-eating and she shouldn't be worried about that aspect of your eating habits. Then let her know that your weight loss is not going to make you love her less. If she chooses not to lose weight with you, that's her decision. If and when she's ever ready to make that leap, let her know that you'll support her all the way. In the meantime, don't push what you are doing on her and don't flaunt it. I'm sure you aren't, but it would only make the situation worse. Keep doing what you're doing and more than likely she'll eventually decide it's time for her to do the same.

Good luck to you!

kelika71

I'm sorry she's not being supportive. I don't know her reasons or why and I'm not going to speculate.

I can tell you this, if you were my husband, after looking at your diary, I'd be concerned!! You may be meeting a calorie goal but it's with high calorie items that don't amount to much. Looking at numbers, sure you're meeting about 1800 calories (not 2000)...I checked. Looking at the food, it isn't much to eat. Sorry, but even I would be starving!!

Just my 2 cents.

Good luck!!

faithgin

i would say she is feeling down on herself because you have the willpower and perhaps she does not.
or if she is the one cooking she could be upset that she has to cook all different meals for everyone because of food restrictions, kids likes/dislkes etc.