are you divorced?

36jessica

First of all, suicide is not the act of a brave person. It's the act of a weak and selfish person. The brave person is the one who confronts their problems and won't back down no matter what.

Secondly, if you even have thoughts about embracing death, please please go see a counselor to talk about it. A divorce is a traumatic event. I'm going through my own now. It rocks your world and reality and can send people to mental and emotional places they've never been before. Let a professional help you sort those things out.

I wish you the absolute best and hope that you find the happiness that ever person deserves.

Good advice from a guy that clearly cares.

I'm also in the middle of the hell that is splitting up with someone when you're tied to them with children. It's no fun. It hurts unbearably. Finding someone new isn't the right thing (though it's the thing that would make you feel the best), for your kids most certainly...but probably not for you either. Finding SOMETHING new on the other hand...might help. Hopefully your ex isn't like mine...where lies and a total disconnection with reality are the normals of your existence. If you were 800 miles away from each other now...and in the middle of a nasty custody battle...it would be even worse. If he starts putting his new girlfriend (when you've only been split up a couple months) before your kids 24/7, while claiming that the kids are all that matter and telling everyone you never let him talk to them to cover for it...you're really in for some pain.

In the end...trust me, it can always be worse. I try not to think about it at all when I can (which is unfortunately a very rare occasion). My sanity is recovered by days where I'm able to just disconnect and not think about it. If I can get one of those in a week...I'm ok.

Cris

Very wise and well said! I got married at 19 to the 'man of my dreams' (he was 21), had two children and gained lots of baby weight, went through a very bad divorce almost 10 years later -- he actually cited my weight as his main reason for wanting a divorce (and still I never suspected he had a sexy little brazilian babe on the side -- how dumb, but that's another story:grumble: ). Anyway, the only good thing that came out of those almost ten years were my kids. In fact, I'm convinced that marriage happend because those kids -- today 16 and 18 years old -- needed to be born! It's tough now, but BELIEVE ME, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I swear! Today, I have a wonderful husband -- who didn't even blink when I gained loads of weight during my pregnancy with our child (today 5 years old). Today, I'm losing weight because I need to, because I want to but NOT because I want to prove something to my ex-husband (who occasionlly pops up like an unwanted fungus). I've already proved everything I needed to by SURVIVING him, cutting him out and moving on! Concentrate on yourself and your kids and good luck!:flowerforyou:

anrev42

You'd be surprised how strong a woman can be! I've been there 7 years ago....it was a pretty dark place. Just remember, while you're feeling depress...you're still making him control you emotionally. While we are in our wallowing times, they've already moved on. So think of it that as if it's a waste of your energy. Divert your time and focus on becoming healthy for you and for your kids. One day at a time! Surround yourself with friends and family who will be there for you. Forget him! It's time for you now and that's what's important...you and the kids!

cherod70

I have been separated from my husband for 4 years now and we still live in the same house becasue of financial difficuty. At first I was devistated and suffered from severe depression that contributed to my marital problems. One thing that helped me is to realize there are things in my control and that is what I needed to focus on, not things I could do nothing about. I am not a victum. I made a decision to wake up each moring and decide I would be happy no matter what the day brings. I now focus on what is best for myself and my 2 boys. I now focus on my well being and health and spend more time with friends. I found out that eating badly and not exercising conrtibuted to my depression. I have been working out for a while now and joined MFP a couple of weeks ago and already lost 10 pounds! You can do it, just make the decision and run with it

HollyLLillis

I'm on my second divorce... I clearly don't know how to pick a man! I am concentrating on ME now, as you should too! Try to forget the sadness, it's hard but you can do it and be happy again! Work out and lose the weight for YOU and show him what you got!
You can add me if you like! good luck! :flowerforyou:

weedlover

First of all, suicide is not the act of a brave person. It's the act of a weak and selfish person. The brave person is the one who confronts their problems and won't back down no matter what.

Secondly, if you even have thoughts about embracing death, please please go see a counselor to talk about it. A divorce is a traumatic event. I'm going through my own now. It rocks your world and reality and can send people to mental and emotional places they've never been before. Let a professional help you sort those things out.

I wish you the absolute best and hope that you find the happiness that ever person deserves.

Good advice from a guy that clearly cares.

I'm also in the middle of the hell that is splitting up with someone when you're tied to them with children. It's no fun. It hurts unbearably. Finding someone new isn't the right thing (though it's the thing that would make you feel the best), for your kids most certainly...but probably not for you either. Finding SOMETHING new on the other hand...might help. Hopefully your ex isn't like mine...where lies and a total disconnection with reality are the normals of your existence. If you were 800 miles away from each other now...and in the middle of a nasty custody battle...it would be even worse. If he starts putting his new girlfriend (when you've only been split up a couple months) before your kids 24/7, while claiming that the kids are all that matter and telling everyone you never let him talk to them to cover for it...you're really in for some pain.

In the end...trust me, it can always be worse. I try not to think about it at all when I can (which is unfortunately a very rare occasion). My sanity is recovered by days where I'm able to just disconnect and not think about it. If I can get one of those in a week...I'm ok.

Cris

Very wise and well said! I got married at 19 to the 'man of my dreams' (he was 21), had two children and gained lots of baby weight, went through a very bad divorce almost 10 years later -- he actually cited my weight as his main reason for wanting a divorce (and still I never suspected he had a sexy little brazilian babe on the side -- how dumb, but that's another story:grumble: ). Anyway, the only good thing that came out of those almost ten years were my kids. In fact, I'm convinced that marriage happend because those kids -- today 16 and 18 years old -- needed to be born! It's tough now, but BELIEVE ME, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I swear! Today, I have a wonderful husband -- who didn't even blink when I gained loads of weight during my pregnancy with our child (today 5 years old). Today, I'm losing weight because I need to, because I want to but NOT because I want to prove something to my ex-husband (who occasionlly pops up like an unwanted fungus). I've already proved everything I needed to by SURVIVING him, cutting him out and moving on! Concentrate on yourself and your kids and good luck!:flowerforyou:

a fungus,,haha loving this!! thank you all, each of you!! everyworrd help!!!!

weedlover

Been there. Use his words are fuel to fire your motivation! Maybe it's not emotionally healthy, but get your behind on a treadmill and get to running. Think about that crap and get mad. Run. Take up boxing and get it out of you. Tell yourself that you're better than him BECAUSE YOU ARE! Use it as jet fuel to a whole new life, a new you!

I've been to the point where you want to die, but don't want to kill yourself. It's not that you're suicidal, but you won't mind not living anymore. It's a rough, lonely place to be. Exercise will help lift you mood a bit. Changing your diet will help a bit too. There is NO shame in needing to talk to a third person (counselor) about stuff.

Starting over was hard, but it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Keep yourself busy and try to keep your mind off of everything that going on. Just hop on the treadmill and walk it all away. It'll all be over before you know it!

you got exactly how i feel,,,,, i am considering help from work, i guess we have a counselling line for problems, and ****,,,, maybe i should comsider,, i ve been depressed for 10 year, since i lost my dad from 1 day to the other, and this, well this is the last drop i can handle,,,

sushisuzi2

Depression SUCKS. Keep talking. Talk to us...talk to anyone who will listen. There are plenty of things to be thankful for.
Give yourself time to grief, to get pissy, throw some stuff, punch some pillows..whatever it is. Then move along....

Divorce? I was HAPPY to be divorced. No more angst. No more wondering. No more being told my shoes are in the way or that my butt was too big or that my boobs were too big. No more faking that I was happy. When it's wrong, it's wrong. For either one of you. Move on. There are sunny skies ahead. We had little ones, and it was hell for the first month not seeing them every day, but as long as remain friendly and don't argue, they will be okay. Listen to them though...and each decision you make in the future, keep kids in mind...and it will fall into place. I walked away with joint custody of two girls, and a couch. No support payments...just the satisfaction knowing a giant load of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders.

It took me 15 years of serious relationships to fall completely in love again though. As I got older, I got pickier and was NOT gonna settle on just anyone after realizing that even though I'm broke-*kitten*, I am happy!!!!!

Take care. Don't be bitter. It doesn't help....Believe me, I know...

kimmy_72

My mom told me something, a long time ago...I'd had a rough time of things, and she said to me what had been said to her, when she'd had a rough time of things.

"That's sad. Now, what are you going to do about it?"

a) Start talking. To someone. Find the support you need, be it professional or otherwise. Every woman needs support. This is often the difference between success and failure - or at least the feelings of success or failure.

b) I was once told that every woman needs five things in her life, to be happy and healthy. These five are:
1. a healthy diet
2. adequate sleep
3. a form of spirituality, that they engage in daily - be it meditation, prayer, reading, etc.
4. at least half an hour of excersize per day (for me, bump that to an hour, half isn't enough)
5. a creative outlet

I find it to be truthful, because when I even get THREE of these, I'm pretty perky!

c) You have value. Now, you have to find that value within yourself, so that you believe it.

d) Any man who is willing to walk from his family, because his wife has gained weight, has no concept of commitment. Not in my eyes. His approach is certainly not helping the issue - I'm fairly certain it's making things worse for you. A divorce is hard on children. Living in an unhappy, confused home where seeing their mother hurt regularily - be it verbal or otherwise - is far more damaging. You're their role model. So is he. If he's not the best one, then you need to be.

I'm glad your'e talking. I'm glad people are responding. And I really do hope you continue to reach out, and I think you're in the right place . We all have to begin somewhere - I think you should start with loving you.

crisanderson27

Any man who is willing to walk from his family, because his wife has gained weight, has no concept of commitment. Not in my eyes. His approach is certainly not helping the issue - I'm fairly certain it's making things worse for you. A divorce is hard on children. Living in an unhappy, confused home where seeing their mother hurt regularily - be it verbal or otherwise - is far more damaging. You're their role model. So is he. If he's not the best one, then you need to be.

The only thing I could or would change in that statement is the 'man' part. It's not a gender thing. My wife left April 2nd of this year...and moved 821 miles away (even though I kept the kids), for even less reason than that.

Other than that...I couldn't agree with you more hun. Honestly.

aegira

I have been joyfully single and happily divorced for 14 years, yes it is tough, yes I cried buckets of tears, yes it was hard...BUT...it got better :happy:
My ex constantly told me I was fat (2 days after having a baby!) and told the kids I was a fat b***h, he was verbally and occasionally physically abusive and boy oh boy could he drink! So, one day the kids asked me to promise that we wouldn't be here "when that man" came back. We weren't, we were packed and gone fast, we took what we could fit in the car and left. He got everything else, it was safer that way and he never paid a cent in child support, life was tough, very tough being homeless sucked with 2 children...
Now, I have a job, we have 'stuff', a car and do you know what.... I even appreciate the bills :laugh:
I have 2 wonderful adult children now, I have had 14 years to look at my excess baggage (emotional) and have learnt what to keep and more importantly what to throw away. I am now embarking (slowly) on a relationship and I'll see where this adventure takes me.
You are in a spot that is dark at the moment but it gets so much brighter once the decision is made. Give yourself the time you need to heal, deal with the baggage, and move forward don't ever go backwards :flowerforyou:
On a sillier note, it was the fastest way to loose 100kg (his weight) the extra 20kg I have to get rid of looks nothing in comparison :bigsmile:

pmorgan813

Any man who is willing to walk from his family, because his wife has gained weight, has no concept of commitment. Not in my eyes. His approach is certainly not helping the issue - I'm fairly certain it's making things worse for you. A divorce is hard on children. Living in an unhappy, confused home where seeing their mother hurt regularily - be it verbal or otherwise - is far more damaging. You're their role model. So is he. If he's not the best one, then you need to be.

The only thing I could or would change in that statement is the 'man' part. It's not a gender thing. My wife left April 2nd of this year...and moved 821 miles away (even though I kept the kids), for even less reason than that.

Other than that...I couldn't agree with you more hun. Honestly.

Totally agree that there are some pretty pitiful women out there too! Any PARENT who can walk away from children they've actively raised for any period of time, has some serious issues to sort through, especially if the children are young.

crisanderson27

Any man who is willing to walk from his family, because his wife has gained weight, has no concept of commitment. Not in my eyes. His approach is certainly not helping the issue - I'm fairly certain it's making things worse for you. A divorce is hard on children. Living in an unhappy, confused home where seeing their mother hurt regularily - be it verbal or otherwise - is far more damaging. You're their role model. So is he. If he's not the best one, then you need to be.

The only thing I could or would change in that statement is the 'man' part. It's not a gender thing. My wife left April 2nd of this year...and moved 821 miles away (even though I kept the kids), for even less reason than that.

Other than that...I couldn't agree with you more hun. Honestly.

Totally agree that there are some pretty pitiful women out there too! Any PARENT who can walk away from children they've actively raised for any period of time, has some serious issues to sort through, especially if the children are young.

Amen...

Ours are 4 and 5...and she's been the mother to my 13yr old daughter since she was barely 7. There are circumstances...emotional/mental issues from her childhood...but even still, the person I loved could never have done that.

I don't know who this person is anymore.

hill2302

There are circumstances...emotional/mental issues from her childhood...but even still, the person I loved could never have done that.

I don't know who this person is anymore.

Cris, you and I must be living parallel lives. I don't know who the hell this person is who is my children's mother. Either I was bilnd as a bat, or she was a really good liar. or maybe a little of both.

Any guy can be a father. It takes a REAL MAN to be a dad!!

crisanderson27

There are circumstances...emotional/mental issues from her childhood...but even still, the person I loved could never have done that.

I don't know who this person is anymore.

Cris, you and I must be living parallel lives. I don't know who the hell this person is who is my children's mother. Either I was bilnd as a bat, or she was a really good liar. or maybe a little of both.

Any guy can be a father. It takes a REAL MAN to be a dad!!

I couldn't agree more man...I couldn't agree more.

cklbrown

I'm reading all of this and sitting here crying. March 1st my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He had already been to a lawyer. We had been together 25 years, 17 of them married. We have 4 kids ages 7-16. I knew he was unhappy. He stayed out of the house as much as possible. When he was home he hid in the bedroom playing on the computer and drinking. For the past year or more he virtually ignored the kids. Suddenly he has tried to become "superdad". He has tried to establish a relationship with the kids. When he moved out in April, he broke my youngest son's heart. Had he continued his non relationship with him, I think my son wouldn't be in therapy now. I found MFP in March. I was 193 lbs. I couldn't eat anyway so I began losing weight. It had been 15 years since I worked and I am terrified of having to get a job being overweight. This site has helped me shed pounds, but it has also helped me have a place to go, to occupy my time, keep me from calling him and begging. I still don't have a job, but it's not quite as scary looking for one. When my husband recently lost his job, he suggested moving back in. I was proud when I told him I wouldn't do that to myself or our kids. I know things are hard at first and as time goes on, but you become a stronger person.

Scarletblue

Divorcee here and never been better, I am the exact opposite from most I guess I loved my divorce through all the horror, tears, stalkings, attacks, ambushes even my coworkers were in the line of fire from the *kitten* I had three children with, they transfered me to the airport so he would actually have to buy a plane ticket to get to me (I love my job), but I knew there was going to be an end I just had to survive the process. So as I said divorcing him was the best thing ever and here it is 1 yr later divorced, 3 years seperated and now I only have to deal with him for five mins. every Sunday when I pick the kids back up from their weekend visit with him. Things get better you have to get stronger we all have to deal with heartache, setbacks, and personal demons, you came to a great place for help with wieghtloss that is a beginning and when you start to feel better about yourself you will start to feel better about your life. Hang in there I know it is hard but you will have a great network of help here so don't be afraid to rant or vent.

jewelryholic

Divorce was the best and worst diet I have ever been on! God hates divorce and I do feel that is why it is so hard, it's not meant to happen. I am divorced and was heartbroken and miserable for quite some time. Like grief, divorce goes thru stages and the saying time heals everything isn't true but it does take away the sting. I have felt every emotion known to man, just know you are not alone. I'm completely single and have enjoyed dating throughout the years, been seperated 3, divorced over 2, but I also really enjoy being single. I question if I will ever trust someone again with my whole heart, I had a really close call but not my whole heart WHEW.

ShrinkinMel

I've been separated for about 4 years. We have a daughter but its pretty much me with all responsibility which sadly has been shared with family since her father doesn't do as much as he should financially.

Life will go on and get better. You will be happy again, probably even more so. Any man that would try to even say it was your weight is a ahole that doesn't deserve you. Concentrate on YOU and move on. It will be hard but one day at a time then you just wake up one day and realize you are just fine. My separation wasn't that hard to face. But I had a relationship that ended almost 2 years ago that really knocked me off socks. It was far worse than the split with my husband.

aegira

The no job thing is scary, when you become a single parent.
When it happened to me all those years ago I sat down and made a list:

a) What I am qualified at (short list back then)
I went to unemployment and luckily they had assistance for single parents, I was able to update my bookkeeping skills to computer bookkeeping and have been able to gain work. It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life but I am thankful it has put a roof over our head and food on the table.

b) Is there something I do as a hobby that I could sell
I started with a little market stall selling the teddy bears, toys and needlework I've always loved doing. It bridged the gap (a little) whilst I retrained.

c) What would I like to do
Okay I'm still working on this...I want to be able to "love' my work not just tolerate it as I currently do, with bookkeeping.

So, get a pen and paper out start thinking, make a list and see where it leads you...good luck :flowerforyou:

aegira

I'm reading all of this and sitting here crying. March 1st my husband told me he wanted a divorce. He had already been to a lawyer. We had been together 25 years, 17 of them married. We have 4 kids ages 7-16. I knew he was unhappy. He stayed out of the house as much as possible. When he was home he hid in the bedroom playing on the computer and drinking. For the past year or more he virtually ignored the kids. Suddenly he has tried to become "superdad". He has tried to establish a relationship with the kids. When he moved out in April, he broke my youngest son's heart. Had he continued his non relationship with him, I think my son wouldn't be in therapy now. I found MFP in March. I was 193 lbs. I couldn't eat anyway so I began losing weight. It had been 15 years since I worked and I am terrified of having to get a job being overweight. This site has helped me shed pounds, but it has also helped me have a place to go, to occupy my time, keep me from calling him and begging. I still don't have a job, but it's not quite as scary looking for one. When my husband recently lost his job, he suggested moving back in. I was proud when I told him I wouldn't do that to myself or our kids. I know things are hard at first and as time goes on, but you become a stronger person.

Oops pressed reply instead of this, so am reposting, a real blonde moment :laugh: .
The no job thing is scary, when you become a single parent.
When it happened to me all those years ago I sat down and made a list:

a) What I am qualified at (short list back then)
I went to unemployment and luckily they had assistance for single parents, I was able to update my bookkeeping skills to computer bookkeeping and have been able to gain work. It's not what I want to do for the rest of my life but I am thankful it has put a roof over our head and food on the table.

b) Is there something I do as a hobby that I could sell
I started with a little market stall selling the teddy bears, toys and needlework I've always loved doing. It bridged the gap (a little) whilst I retrained.

c) What would I like to do
Okay I'm still working on this...I want to be able to "love' my work not just tolerate it as I currently do, with bookkeeping.

So, get a pen and paper out start thinking, make a list and see where it leads you...good luck