1.5 years (+/-) and what I've learned about ME

muth3rluvx2

I'm putting this here because I'm hoping it'll help someone else - even if it's just one person.

When I was an early teen, I struggled with weight. Then, someone too close to me made fun of me. I stopped eating. For 2 weeks. I was 13. I lost 20 lbs. But I still saw myself as fat. Any confidence I might have had was destroyed and never rebuilt. I was out on my own at 15 and had my own place before I graduated high school. I'm sure you can imagine how much money a 17 year old kid has. Food was an unnecessary expense. I worked at a restaurant so I ate okay at least once a day, a few days a week. I also worked at a gas station to access to those crappy deli-sandwiches was right there. I survived. Down side, I probably burned twice what I consumed. My life was like this all the way through my late 20's when I finally started to settle down just a little. Needless to say, I stayed thin... very thin (not quite emaciated though) all that time.

I gained an obscene amount of weight with my first child, but after his dad and I broke up 10 months after his birth, of course I couldn't eat and quickly lost all that weight. With my younger, I never gained much - 10 lbs. As a single mother of a toddler, an infant, working and going to school and surviving on 4 hours of sleep for 3 years, I'm sure you can imagine... That was 5 years ago. Then I met my S.O., was into my 30's and headed towards 40's way too fast.

The last decade of my life has been spent primarily in sedentary jobs. Desk work. I stayed thin but didn't work out other than what I did with my kids in playing or in my yard in the warmer weather. It wasn't enough. With 2 growing boys, I started to eat a little more and a little healthier. But I wasn't so active. Still thin...... but I suspect now that my muscle mass was steadily declining.

I just turned 38, I've been here for about a year and a half and have lost a whoppin' 5 lbs. How? Why? When so many people have lost so much more so much more quickly?

Easy - my metabolism is naturally slow; add to that that my fat percentages are very high (around 30%), which means my body is working inefficiently, I smoked for over 20 years so my heart and lungs have been in such shape that even if I had the physical stamina, those organs have not. So many battles to fight!! In order to get anywhere, I've had to address all these underlying issues FIRST - lung and heart health, gaining sufficient muscle mass to be able to "keep going", adjusting to a whole new lifestyle without totally denying myself the things I genuinely enjoy (but may not be so healthy) - and I think after so much time, I'm finally on the brink of break-through.

Even after talking to a fitness professional, it was agreed that in order to lose weight, my calories would have to be seriously restricted (ending on about 850-900) because my body just couldn't process that fast with the shape its in. I haven't really been able to consistently maintain that because my heart, lungs and lack of muscle mass wouldn't allow me to work out that much and to only eat that little would leave me unsatisfied and unhappy which is also no good. So, stuck I've been and have slowly been learning to live with it until such time that I'm able to move onward.

Every time I see a marginal loss on the scale, I hope I'm there - as I am today. Thusfar, it hasn't happened. In any case, I just wanted to share this so that if there's anyone else out there with even close to the same situation and wondering why things aren't progressing, here's what I've learned about myself and what my stops have been. It's been a case of negative foundations and I have to get to the positive foundations before I can build.

My biggest message for everyone who's struggling -even if not like me - don't give up. There's a ligitimate reason and you just need to find out why and what to do about it. In my case, all I can do is not give up and wait. Frustrating but not impossible. For everyone who's young, even in your mid-20's - don't do this. It's SO hard to bounce back and appreciate your youth and your ability to function fully and do everything you do with ambition, drive, appreciation and compassion. Value where you are right now and do your best not to squander it. In many ways, I feel like I did - i didn't spend enough time appreciating who I was. I didn't know how to and I lost alot because of it; including the motivation to take care of myself and learning it 15-20 years later is alot harder. I have alot more responsibility now; I don't have the time to focus on me and my needs solely.

Keep going... everyone. YOU are worth it. You know that or you wouldn't be here.