3/4 rant, 1/4 moral
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whiskyzee
Posts: 102 Member
Last week, I had plans to grab a bite to eat with my dear friend, Lea. I knew she had declared herself “on a diet,” so I told her to pick whatever restaurant suited her fancy, and then I prepped myself with a 7 mile hike. Thoroughly exhausted in the best way, and ready to eat my own shoe, I called Lea to find out where we were meeting. We settled on a nearby café specializing in local, organic food (real food, not chemically engineered food-product). She had saved her calories for a splurge, but we both wanted pure deliciousness, not grade d beef and limp fries. Completely stoked, I ran home and jumped in the shower, envisioning the fresh guacamole and tomatoes.
When I got out, Lea was on the phone again, saying that her new hubby wanted to join us (no problem), and that he wanted to go to pub X instead, even though he was on a diet too and this particular pub really only served fried things covered in cream sauce (still, no big deal). I met Lea and her hubby at the aforementioned pub, totally ravenous by this point. I was still riding the exhilaration of my stellar hike, but then we sat down and cracked open the menus. With barely a glance at his menu, Lea’s husband declared that he would only order a side of fruit and a diet Pepsi. Then, instead of waiting while Lea and I made our selections, he began to grill Lea about what she was thinking of ordering, to recite the probable calories and carbs in each dish, and to make sure she knew exactly how fat each thing would make her. It was a demeaning, judgmental conga line of inaccurate information. Lea interrupted several times to remind him that he picked the restaurant, that she knew how many calories she had saved for this meal, and that she was going to step aerobics later that day. He kept pushing, which left me a little embarrassed and a lot cranky. Finally, we ordered. I hoped that the diet monologue would end when we’d made our decisions, but I was wrong.
When the food came, Lea’s husband nibbled self-righteously as his (rather mushy) fruit, and then picked up his diatribe where he’d left off. His comments, such as “Well, at least don’t eat the bread. You don’t need so many carbs,” accompanied every bite Lea took of her sandwich. She didn’t eat much, and when the waiter asked if she’d like a takeaway box, her husband jumped in to say no. She looked thoroughly miserable. When I left, I hugged Lea, invited her to join me on the next hike, and told her how glad I was to spend time with her.
She didn’t ask for my opinion on her husband’s diet advice, so I didn’t give it. I figured the very last thing she needed right then was to have yet another person’s criticism. Instead, I’m posting my thoughts here (take what’s useful, leave the rest): There is a difference between motivation and deprecation. There is a reason why, ultimately, each of us has to choose, on our own every day, to be healthy. We can’t change others; we can only inspire and encourage. A person should never be made to feel bad or guilty about taking control of his or her well-being. Negativity and resentment cannot create a healthy individual (physically or mentally). Enlist friends, relatives, and trainers to push you and challenge you and drag your lazy *kitten* out of bed for that 5am run, but always insist on controlling your own self and fighting your own fight. Nobody can do this for you, and by trying, they rob you of your opportunity to grow and succeed. Be your own damn person to the fullest and love every second of it. You are strong, beautiful, and capable.
When I got out, Lea was on the phone again, saying that her new hubby wanted to join us (no problem), and that he wanted to go to pub X instead, even though he was on a diet too and this particular pub really only served fried things covered in cream sauce (still, no big deal). I met Lea and her hubby at the aforementioned pub, totally ravenous by this point. I was still riding the exhilaration of my stellar hike, but then we sat down and cracked open the menus. With barely a glance at his menu, Lea’s husband declared that he would only order a side of fruit and a diet Pepsi. Then, instead of waiting while Lea and I made our selections, he began to grill Lea about what she was thinking of ordering, to recite the probable calories and carbs in each dish, and to make sure she knew exactly how fat each thing would make her. It was a demeaning, judgmental conga line of inaccurate information. Lea interrupted several times to remind him that he picked the restaurant, that she knew how many calories she had saved for this meal, and that she was going to step aerobics later that day. He kept pushing, which left me a little embarrassed and a lot cranky. Finally, we ordered. I hoped that the diet monologue would end when we’d made our decisions, but I was wrong.
When the food came, Lea’s husband nibbled self-righteously as his (rather mushy) fruit, and then picked up his diatribe where he’d left off. His comments, such as “Well, at least don’t eat the bread. You don’t need so many carbs,” accompanied every bite Lea took of her sandwich. She didn’t eat much, and when the waiter asked if she’d like a takeaway box, her husband jumped in to say no. She looked thoroughly miserable. When I left, I hugged Lea, invited her to join me on the next hike, and told her how glad I was to spend time with her.
She didn’t ask for my opinion on her husband’s diet advice, so I didn’t give it. I figured the very last thing she needed right then was to have yet another person’s criticism. Instead, I’m posting my thoughts here (take what’s useful, leave the rest): There is a difference between motivation and deprecation. There is a reason why, ultimately, each of us has to choose, on our own every day, to be healthy. We can’t change others; we can only inspire and encourage. A person should never be made to feel bad or guilty about taking control of his or her well-being. Negativity and resentment cannot create a healthy individual (physically or mentally). Enlist friends, relatives, and trainers to push you and challenge you and drag your lazy *kitten* out of bed for that 5am run, but always insist on controlling your own self and fighting your own fight. Nobody can do this for you, and by trying, they rob you of your opportunity to grow and succeed. Be your own damn person to the fullest and love every second of it. You are strong, beautiful, and capable.
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Replies
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Yeah, that's not good...I'd be worried about her. Hopefully he's not always like that, maybe he was just cranky b/c he hasn't eaten anything. Who goes out to a Pub and orders only fruit? I would be cranky too
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Ewe. Why would he pick a pub? What a sack of a-holes.... Poor girl.
Talk to her in private.0 -
This breaks my heart; I feel so bad for Lea. I don't understand why her husband would specifically pick that place if he was going to berate her about anything she ordered there. I don't know the couple, but if his behavior is typical, then that seems like emotional abuse to me. If your friend seems to be having success with her diet, make sure that you are a source of positive support and motivation, since that is obviously not coming from her spouse.0
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What an a-hole! It sounds to me like he's trying to sabotage her! First he picks a restaurant with nothing but fatty food, then derides her for all her choices. That's not healthy at all. I want to slap that guy upside the head!0
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I'm hoping the key there is "new husband". He may be thinking he's helping and talking "at" her life he'd talk w/ a buddy of his. Hopefully they'll discuss it privately and learn how to improve their communication.
My Sailor sometimes talks to me like I'm one of this sailor buddies, but as soon as I point it out and let him know that it hurt my feelings, he changes his tune. I don't know if they did any couples counseling beforehand, but I highly recommend it! The first year or so of marriages people are still figuring out how they truly deal w/ conflict (even when living together prior to marriage, marriage DOES change things).0 -
Seriously? I would want to punch the guy! He picks a restraunt with rediculously bad food just to do that to her! Why go out to eat anyway if its just going to be fruit? Grr.... grumble grumble..... guys like that need a reality check! Thats the kind of thing that pushes people into an eating disorder!0
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I feel sorry for your friend. It sounds like her husband is a control freak and is scared that she might be more successful than him. I was in a relationship like that before MFP, and needless to say, it did not end well. I wouldn't suggest talking to her because like you said, you don't want her to have to feel criticized anymore than she already is. I would pay attention to how he treats her though and if you feel like it has gone too far, express your concerns. Just remember that if you do decide to discuss her relationship with her, you may not get the reaction that you are hoping for. It is hard to see a friend go through a bad relationship, but sometimes that is all you can do. That, and be there for them when they need you. Best of luck to you and your friend.0
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I agree with the previous posts! I also wanted to add that you are a great friend! I am sure that hug ment more to her than you realize. I am sure she was very embaressed and you showed that you love her no matter what! Bravo!0
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Kudos to you for biting your tongue! I would have gotten very snippy and possibly lost a friend out of the deal.
Your moral at the end is very true, and a good lesson for all of us. He may have thought he was helping, but his approach was awful! 0 -
This breaks my heart; I feel so bad for Lea. I don't understand why her husband would specifically pick that place if he was going to berate her about anything she ordered there. I don't know the couple, but if his behavior is typical, then that seems like emotional abuse to me. If your friend seems to be having success with her diet, make sure that you are a source of positive support and motivation, since that is obviously not coming from her spouse.
Couldn't have said it better. Poor girl. :brokenheart:0 -
poor friend. please talk to her. nobody deserves that, but to some extent I believe we've all been guilty of wanting to share our knowledge/opinion when no-one has asked for it and we believe we are being helpful. that was an extreme case, I just hope that doesn't happen to her again, and if it does I hope she uses it as motivation. I'm sure she has this under control.0
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Thanks all. I do hope he was just cranky that day, and I've resolved to be there whenever she needs to talk (that's what friends are for, after all).0
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Oh my! I'm sure you won't but I just wanted to say... please don't wait until your friend calls you... check on her and soon. I am not trying to be alarmist here but my gut tells me that this guy is bad news. If he had the audacity to belittle her like that in public I can only imagine how he may behave towards her in private. This is a perfect example of emotional abuse and I wonder if his behavior has potential to exacerbate beyond the emotional. My heart is sick for her. Good luck.0
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