OT really Bad Joke Thread ;p

jamerz3294

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'You're simply going through the change!
:laugh: :bigsmile: :drinker: :happy:

jamerz3294

A middle-aged woman

Seemed sheepish as she

Visited her gynaecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

'you've been seeing me for years!

There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'

The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you.....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'You're simply going through the change!
:laugh: :bigsmile: :drinker: :happy:

kellch

:noway: :noway: :noway:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: That was funny in a dumb way:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:



Morning MFPer's:flowerforyou:

arewethereyet

mommared53

I knew it!!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

SoupNazi

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Anna_Banana

That was bad.

jamerz3294

Here's one from the land of Oz!
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my *kitten*'

kellch

Here's one from the land of Oz!
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my *kitten*'

I don't feel like reading today :ohwell:

kellch

Ok......I read it :noway:

:laugh: :noway: :laugh: :noway: :laugh:

kellch

Sometimes it is important to take a break from business just to laugh and heal/prepare your self for the rest of the day! THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!! .......and so timely!


While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty fare well and waves while the elevator rises ..

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.

Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

"Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

:bigsmile: :drinker: :laugh:

Katy009

Here's one from the land of Oz!
A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my *kitten*'

:huh: I don't get it :huh:

laurenk182004

lol u guys are silly

Shannon023

A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.

The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway. Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday. So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.

One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.

The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''

The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.



{{ba-dum-dum}}

mommared53

eating lunch. almost choked on food. You might warn a person not to have anything in mouth when they read this joke Shannon. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

ericarey85

why was cinderella so bad at basketball.............





she had a pumpkin for a coach ~~~ :blushing:

kellch

Shannon :smooched:
:noway: And you told me to go find a better one:indifferent:

:smokin:

:smooched:

Or maybe it's just the blonde hair again :ohwell: I don't get it:laugh:

NewMK08

A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.

The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway. Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday. So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.

One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.

The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''

The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''

So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.



{{ba-dum-dum}}

I don't get it...:ohwell:

Shannon023

Shannon :smooched:
:noway: And you told me to go find a better one:indifferent:

:smokin:

:smooched:

Or maybe it's just the blonde hair again :ohwell: I don't get it:laugh:

It's a circumcision joke...:grumble:

jamerz3294

Shannon :smooched:
:noway: And you told me to go find a better one:indifferent:

:smokin:

:smooched:

Or maybe it's just the blonde hair again :ohwell: I don't get it:laugh:

It's a circumcision joke...:grumble:

Ok Kellch... here's one for YOU:
What do they call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence!:laugh: :bigsmile:

jamerz3294

The Rabbit and the Blonde
Yet, Another Blonde Joke...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

jamerz3294

Dear John, Letter Gone Bad

Brings a Tear to the Eye



I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

jamerz3294

Awaits

Where is your Place in Heaven?



A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses that guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joey Shasta, retired pilot, of Pittsburg , PA. "

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he flew, people prayed."

kellch

Shannon :smooched:
:noway: And you told me to go find a better one:indifferent:

:smokin:

:smooched:

Or maybe it's just the blonde hair again :ohwell: I don't get it:laugh:

It's a circumcision joke...:grumble:

Ok Kellch... here's one for YOU:
What do they call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence!:laugh: :bigsmile:

:laugh:

kellch

The Rabbit and the Blonde
Yet, Another Blonde Joke...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Where's Soupy? I need some back up.......

They're talking about us Soupy

whierd

Great thread OP!