I need a life!

DazednConfoosed

As I contemplate starting what I believe to be my third or fourth attempt at a major diet change in my life I stop and ponder why. The last two major attemps I made were for specific reasons. This time, I'm using a $500.00 challenge as an excuse. I know I need to loose weight for my health and for a better life style. Nevertheless, I can't get over the overwhelming sense of apathy.

Hi, I'm Aaron and I need a life! ("Hi Aaron!", shoults the audience... or at least that's what it feels like should happen.) As I posted on my profile, I have been struggling with depression for years, (if you're going to comment on my depression, please do read my profile first), and it seems to have left me with a huge void in my life. What I miss the most is the part of me which cared.

It is easier to maintain focused on a task at hand if we place goals before us to reach and accomplish. Ok, my goal is to loose weight. My current goal, crazy as it may be, is to loose one hundred pounds in six months. Though it is doable and though I've done equally difficult challenges with my diet and excercise before, this time it's different. I know I can do it, but, I lack a reason for doing it. At least a reason I care about.

I know the health benefits. There are benefits that affect my physical wellbeing. There are benefits to my mental and emotional wellbeing. These benefits would then translate to benefits in my overall lifestyle. However, even knowing all of this, I can't bring myself to care. This isn't, however, a childish attitude or my saying, "what ever!" or "I don't care what people think." It's more than that. It is a genuine and complete lack of any and all interests.

If I truly don't care, why am I don't this? Perhaps the question comes to mind. Honestly, I keep being reassured that if I just go through the motions I will eventually build a routine and perhaps, but only perhaps, interest will come back. So I am going through the motions, but, what is there to motivate me?

I am sick and tired of being in constant turmoil with myself over what needs to get done and what I want, which is everything and nothing respectively. I wish I could just hibernate for a time and wake up to a problem fixed, new life. It sucks to be rational though. Knowing that ignoring problems wont make them go away doesn't help though.

Ugh... I suppose I just wanted to rant and rave, to vent and, also, to see if I make a connection. Then again, I'm not sure of what I want. If you've read this far, thank you. Now you have been formally introduced to the swirling black vortex of chaos and turmoil that is me.