Lose Weight=Lose Friends??

cweiler4

I don’t post topics on the forum much but this has been on my mind lately. Obviously our weight is a huge issue for all of us, or we wouldn’t be on this site. Does anyone tend to believe that if we stay fat, we feel that no one will love us, but if we lose weight, our friends or loved ones will be inclined to hate us?

I ask because I have noticed since my decision to change my lifestyle, I feel that I have been ignored or pushed away by some of those good friends that I thought were the closest to me. I am and feel very lucky to have all the support in the world from my husband, kids and family, but yet I am missing that passion and encouragement from my friends. When I started with this change, I knew that I had to make hard and drastic decisions on what was keeping me unhappy and fat. First off I knew I had to watch what I was putting in my mouth. MFP gave me the tools and assistance to get that done. Calorie counting and watching my food intake instantly became addicting to me. Secondly, I had to get on a strict workout regime. Even though I hated working out, I had to do it. This weight wasn’t coming off by diet alone. So when I started training and making those changes, I slowly noticed myself turning down foods that I felt were not within my diet, mainly fast food, anything fried and most sweets. I turned away most alcoholic drinks, and sometimes (I admit) I did decline invitations to hang out because I felt the need stay away from all that was “unhealthy.” But now it seems that all of the invitations, especially the ones to hang out on the weekends have stopped coming in.

Additionally, I understand that spending time around someone who has devoted most of their spare time to losing weight can be a little intolerable to the others who don’t really care about it and find that talking about fitness and nutrition is a bit boring, but I often wonder “Was the social drinker or the unfit bigger version of me that much more fun than what I have become? Is it that we have nothing to talk about since I find talking about a healthier lifestyle more appealing than what’s happening on our favorite television shows, work, or the never ending drama in our friend circle?” :indifferent:

While I love the support and encouragement of my “fitness/weight loss” friends on MFP, I am desperately missing the closeness of my local friend support group. As we struggle to get to or maintain our ideal weight, we all rely on our friends and family to support our efforts. Has anyone experienced how their lifestyle change has put a strain on some of your closest relationships?

ajbeans

If the invitations have stopped, it might be BECAUSE you've turned them down so frequently lately. Why not invite them to your house for a lovely dinner party? Or invite them to go somewhere that's not food-centric, like the movies or a show at the park? Maybe your friends don't really understand why you were turning down the invitations, and mis-read your intentions by thinking that you just don't want to hang out with them. Even if you've explained it to them, sometimes people take things personally when they shouldn't. But if you make the attempt and it seems that they dont' want to hang out anymore, then maybe they're just jealous losers. Before you make that assumption though, extend the olive branch. You might be surprised.

cabul3

i have found that certain friends -- usually the ones that are already heavier than me -- try to sabatoge rather than encoure my diet. they whip out the candies or chips when i come over to visit, or they suggest going out for dinner to a restaurant i can't resist, or they'd rather sit around and watch a movie than join me for a walk or hike. either that, or they give me "that look" when i try to talk about the positive changes i'm making, or pounds i've lost, etc. arg! drives me nuts.

i too, thankfully, have a supportive boyfriend who helps me say NO when i don't want to snack or eat bad food, but also doesn't nag or judge me if i want to eat something tasty and "bad" on my own terms. i love him!

Setof2Keys

either you have the relationship with your friends to ask if you upset them or what's really up, or they're not as close as you thought. If they are not motivating you to be a better person (and they may just need it called to their attenttion) then you need diff friends with similar goals.. Good luck.

Jellyphant

I've lost friends from them losing weight and getting a big head. Not cool.

Kristhin

The ones who really care about you will adapt to your new preferences and still want to hang out with you while keeping in mind you need to be doing activities that you can do as well without having to go outside of the lifestyle you want now.

The ones who don't really care about you and are peice of crap friends will not do this so good to be rid of them anyway.

I went through similar stuff when I went vegan. My family learned to adapt though.

As far as friends, I went to the internet and posted ads for vegan friends and went to vegan meetups to meet other like minded people. Perhaps you could try to same thing, but aim it at fitness and healthy choices rather than veganism.

♥

SarahofTwins

I don’t post topics on the forum much but this has been on my mind lately. Obviously our weight is a huge issue for all of us, or we wouldn’t be on this site. Does anyone tend to believe that if we stay fat, we feel that no one will love us, but if we lose weight, our friends or loved ones will be inclined to hate us?

I ask because I have noticed since my decision to change my lifestyle, I feel that I have been ignored or pushed away by some of those good friends that I thought were the closest to me. I am and feel very lucky to have all the support in the world from my husband, kids and family, but yet I am missing that passion and encouragement from my friends. When I started with this change, I knew that I had to make hard and drastic decisions on what was keeping me unhappy and fat. First off I knew I had to watch what I was putting in my mouth. MFP gave me the tools and assistance to get that done. Calorie counting and watching my food intake instantly became addicting to me. Secondly, I had to get on a strict workout regime. Even though I hated working out, I had to do it. This weight wasn’t coming off by diet alone. So when I started training and making those changes, I slowly noticed myself turning down foods that I felt were not within my diet, mainly fast food, anything fried and most sweets. I turned away most alcoholic drinks, and sometimes (I admit) I did decline invitations to hang out because I felt the need stay away from all that was “unhealthy.” But now it seems that all of the invitations, especially the ones to hang out on the weekends have stopped coming in.

Additionally, I understand that spending time around someone who has devoted most of their spare time to losing weight can be a little intolerable to the others who don’t really care about it and find that talking about fitness and nutrition is a bit boring, but I often wonder “Was the social drinker or the unfit bigger version of me that much more fun than what I have become? Is it that we have nothing to talk about since I find talking about a healthier lifestyle more appealing than what’s happening on our favorite television shows, work, or the never ending drama in our friend circle?” :indifferent:

While I love the support and encouragement of my “fitness/weight loss” friends on MFP, I am desperately missing the closeness of my local friend support group. As we struggle to get to or maintain our ideal weight, we all rely on our friends and family to support our efforts. Has anyone experienced how their lifestyle change has put a strain on some of your closest relationships?

I feel like I've been dealing with that quite a bit lately. :ohwell:

I know when I was bigger everyone seemed nicer, more sincere, or like I had crutches or something. Well after feeling down about how big I looked back at the beginning of the year I said okay let me change things and signed up on here. After I've lost most of my weight I have both family and friends who just kind of give me those looks but also say I'm too skinny...even went to the lengths of eating a big mac in front of my face and say "it looks good doesnt it, i bet you want some"...it made me feel disgusted actually, but then I shrugged it off and laughed. Plus weight just always seems like its always the topic too...I just don't get it, I guess others don't want you to succeed and they don't live the lifestyle change that we have grown accustomed to. :drinker:

icandothistrish85

A friend of almost 15 years just ended a friendship with me three days before my birthday in January. We were the "chubby twins" looked identical but she had brown eyes and I had blue. I've had 3 kids and really needed to get back into shape. She barely became pregnant with her first. I'm losing weight, toning up and have really turned my life around, no fast food, no mall food court, no more beloved Olive Garden's bread-sticks LOL. She refused to see that my family and my health were the new priorities in my life and that I wasn't going to be there for her midnight In&Out runs, Starbucks gossip fest or whatever anymore. She couldn't handle that I wasn't at her beck & food call anymore and she claimed I was "different" a kind of different she didn't like and didn't want around her unborn child. Still confuses me. She's the single mother, who doesn't know who the baby's father is that smoked and drank during her pregnancy (I was the best friend, I was there, but I never judged) and all of a sudden she's judging and hating me? WTH man!?! I don't understand why some jealous/unsupportive/stubborn/whatever people can't just grow up and be happy and supportive.

Yocum1219

I hate to say it, but yeah. My friends are either on the bandwagon with me, or have dropped off the face of the earth. Luckily, my closest friends are with me. One of the things I've done is make a few new friends from the times I've worked out at the gym & have started developing relationships that will stay with me through this healthy lifestyle, which I hope to make permanent. Only one or two, but it's made that difference. I'm not a social person to begin with, at least not in person, my kids take up too much of my life outside of work & church. I hope that your friends either have a change of heart or that maybe you find some new friends.

Katbaran

I understand exactly what you are talking about. The whole weight loss/healthier lifestyle HAS strained some of my relationships. Hubby is supportive and also trying to lose and get healthier, so he's not the problem. One of my friends in particular constantly laments that I'm "no fun anymore." Because? I don't want to eat crap food and sit around 3 nights a week drinking wine with her? We stil are friends but it isn't the same. I know its my fault, but she could be a little more supportive. I try not to talk about food/health around her, but it has been a bigger part of my life for the last 6 mos. or so. I think its just that sometimes our old friends don't understand the new us.

Chelly02

Hey!
I know how you feel. Currently I'm the "biggest" of all my closest friends. Ive noticed though that ever since i started working out and actually getting serious about it, my best friends are really not the ones supporting me. People that i consider associates are the ones who help motivate me. My friends are usually who make comments like you look good at this size and etc ( i used to be 130) or encourage me to eat out and drink alcoholic drinks. I don't know if its done on purpose but we've always made jokes about whose the smallest and they all talk bad about their weights constantly (btw they are all in the 120-140 range) but if i make a comment about my size, they're quick to let me know that im fine the way i am. Im slowly starting to stop talking to them about my food intake and exercise because they think im acting "anorexic" but they engage in the same behavior. Its fine if they decide to skip a meal or not eat for the whole day but if i do it, theres something wrong with me or they dont get why my weight is suddenly an issue. I dont know if its just me not getting the support i want from them or if they actually just like the chelly they know now and dont want me tp change but its definitely has impacted my relationship with them.

SueInAz

If the invitations have stopped, it might be BECAUSE you've turned them down so frequently lately. Why not invite them to your house for a lovely dinner party? Or invite them to go somewhere that's not food-centric, like the movies or a show at the park? Maybe your friends don't really understand why you were turning down the invitations, and mis-read your intentions by thinking that you just don't want to hang out with them. Even if you've explained it to them, sometimes people take things personally when they shouldn't. But if you make the attempt and it seems that they dont' want to hang out anymore, then maybe they're just jealous losers. Before you make that assumption though, extend the olive branch. You might be surprised.

This is all pretty much exactly what I was going to say. Every point! I might add that it might even be a good idea to invite them over to your house for some healthy eats and drinks (without announcing that everything is healthy) and see if they accept your invitation. If they are still interested in being friends, that should be all that it takes.

Fat2FitAmanda

I can relate to this somewhat. I tried to figure out every which way what I had done to a certain "friend" and couldn't figure it out. Then I've had a few people say that they believe it has a lot to do with me losing weight and that she hasn't. I think it's really immature and uncalled for. I can understand if your friends are trying to make plans with you and you continually are declining, how they'd get upset about it. But at the same time when you're first trying to figure out the whole diet/weight loss thing, you don't want any kind of distractions. Your real friends will be there to support you no matter what, even if all you talk about is how many calories is in something at first! But once you have a grip on what you're doing and know you can make smart choices, then you should definitely go out and have a good time. And show those friends you're just as much fun now as you were before, just healthier! Good job on sticking with it even with the sabbotagers! Keep it up!

TLW77

I recently went through the same thing with a close longtime friend. I still to this day don't quite understand what the heck happened and why. I didn't think our friendship was based on my size. Ok so maybe I would have been jealous if the tables were turned and she was the one losing weight and I wasn't but I would hope that I would never make her feel like I have turned my back on her or couldn't relate to her anymore because she was trying to have a healthier life. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

naneunyeppeuda

When I lost weight before, I dealt with the same issue… It actually made me gain most of my weight back. It wasn't a good thing. My family would support me but my friends were… Jealous much? I've been big for most my life and so were my friends. When I decided to drop from a size 10 to a size 4, a lot of my girl friends disappeared. They said I wasn't the "same" because I didn't do what I used to. I was unhealthy, loved sweets, and ate junk food all day. I also started to get more attention from the opposite sex and a lot of my friends didn't seem to like this… I'm back to a size 8 and trying to lose it again.

I've learned that now that I've grown up a little the same thing is happening… I've been "MIA". My friends have also started to not invite me to things, and it did hurt my feelings at first. However, it's a lot better now. I actually now go to the gym with some of my close friends. Whenever I go out, I have ONE drink instead of the usual large number of beers. I've also invited them to my place and cooked for them instead of going out and eating things I shouldn't. I was also a smoker and quit recently, about 3 weeks, and i've been trying to stay away from them for a while until I can stand with them and not have the urge to smoke. I've had to open up to them and tell them how I'm trying to change my lifestyle. They understood and I truly believe you just need to talk to them.

But please~ Keep your chin up and look straight. You want to be healthy and that's what makes you happy. Do what you want and don't fall to pressure. Your friends are important so make sure you do make time for them. Every once in a while, once a month or once every 2 weeks, GO OUT. Have a day where you can be a social drinker and have a good time with your friends. You don't want to make your friends think they are a burden to your weight loss or a bad influence. This is how my friends felt. :]

Thanks for sharing. Hope everything works out for you!

deniseg31

Hey girl, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's really sad when friends don't see that you are working towards a better life - a better you. Perhaps you need to have a good talk with them to see if there is a problem.

I was actually just talking to my husband about this last night. I've do have a handful of friends that encourage me but the other day my brother gave me "that look" when I grabbed my phone to record something I had eaten at his house and he mumbled something followed by a mocking laugh. When I said "I was only logging the calories I just ate" he came back and said "Who gives a $*#T how many calories are in that?!" I swear I could have cried but I was able to hold it in. :sad:

So last night I asked my husband if I was talking too much about it if I was starting to bore him with my weightloss/calorie talks and he said that I wasn't and not to pay attention to anybody who suggests otherwise.

You ave been doing fantastic...don't let anything stop you from achieving your goals. Keep up all the hard work. A healthy walk is 10 times way better than sitting in a bar drinking away. :flowerforyou:

0112317

Something to keep in mind is this: obsessives (of any stripe, golf, computers, couponers, or weight loss/fitness) are boring and annoying to non-obsessives. Anyone who's had a golf "enthusiast" try to tell them about every shot of a four hour 18 hole round, or had a computer "enthusiast" lecture for 15 minutes on gigs, ram, processors, and open source software has experienced the desire to shoot that person or themselves. I try to let my results speak for themselves and assiduously avoid going into detail about my fitness routine or diet around people that don't care. To us fitness/weight loss obsessives there is nothing more enjoyable than contemplating a new lift to target the rear deltoid, or thinking about what next week's calorie profile is going to look like....most others are cocking their guns. That is why there are communities of enthusiasts, these forums, golf courses, linux user groups.

That being said, if one is letting one's hard work speak for itself and folks are still rude and snide or waving candy in one's face well...then f**k them, they aren't your friends.