unwanted houseguest

Grimmerick

I posted in this section because this is Off topic but I have a very unwanted houseguest, it is difficult because he is my fiances daughters fiance haha hope that wasn't confusing. Anyways he is bipolar had a big incident yesterday, they can't afford to stay at a hotel and they have 3 days left here. He wants to apologize and explain but there was no mention of apologizing until they figured out they couldn't afford a hotel. So honestly the apology to me is worthless and I don't trust this guy in my house but I am pressured by my fiance because he wants to see his daughter. I am at work now but I have to go home this evening, and I haven't decided what I should do? Should I just keep my mouth shut, take the apology and sweat it out the next few days? Should I let it slide since he hasn't really had an incident before? Though as I saw yesterday one incident would be all it would take to severely damage our home not to mention Tony's 14 year old is here for the summer. I need some advice?

pjhrt

If it's just three days, I would suck it up. Take the apology (which might be difficult for him) for what it is, count the hours and wish them well. For the sake of three days (or 72 hours) you could seriously damage your relationship with your fiance if you take a heavy-handed approach at this stage. I think you should make it clear this has been a one-off though.

I empathise with you as I've been in a similar situation before...hope it all works out.

MindyLynn77

I think you should talk to your fiance about it and tell him how uncomfortable you are, and see what he thinks..... surely your safety and his sons safety will be his main priority

Tereztaylor07

I would speak up. I know a few bipolar people working in healthcare and when properly managed they have never damaged someone's home. Maybe he isn't treating his bi-polar? Maybe you saying something will force him to find a better treatment, or even take accountability for his actions. He can't "blame" the bi-polar, he still controls his actions. And if you think your home or a people in it are in danger, maybe they should stay somewhere else.

leomom72

bump

Fattack

Speaking as somebody with bipolar, he probably feels crap enough about it, and unless he's a douche, I doubt his apology was a result of him not finding somewhere to stay - he probably felt too embarrassed to apologise sooner or that the incident was too fresh. Turn the other cheek and just try to ignore it. If he's not had regular "incidents" , then it'll probably be fine.

I'm not sure what you mean by "incident" but provided he wasn't dangerous, and his bipolar is controlled, then I wouldn't sweat it too much.

Edit - just read that you're implying he was dangerous / destructive / violent. In which case, speak to your fiance calmly (don't mention that you don't care for the apology) and voice your concern about the safety of your home.

wysmom2000

Can YOU afford a hotel room for them? The expense may be worth the peace of mind you will have.

rwd5046

Emmy, that's a really hard topic and situation to give advice on. Bipolar individuals can be very unstable unless they are on medications not to mention dangerous. Your fiance should respect the fact that its your house and should resepct your wishes. If you are that uncomfortable about the situaton then asking the bipolar individual to leave would seem to be the best solution. However, if the bipolar individual is taking their medications and seems sincere about apologizing then you should at least consider listening but don't be afraid to set some grounds rules with consequences for not following the ground rules. Those rules need to be agreed upon by everyone including your fiance. It's really hard to have a perfect answer to dealing with such situations and I don't know that there is a perfect answer. Just don't be afraid to confront the situation head on and let your feelings be known. Hope this helps but they are just from experiences of my own and not professional advice. Good luck.

wickedcricket

I agree with everyone except pj- nobody has the right to disrupt the harmony of you home- that is YOUR sanctuary, NOT HIS. Have the fiancee cough up the $$ for them to stay in a motel, contact your nearest shelter, whatever - you have to SET BOUNDARIES or ppl will walk the fk all over you - ESPECIALLY mentally ill ppl - no way- this man has NO self control and NO boundaries OR he wouldn't be BROKE & HOMELESS. IF you don't set boundaries now, you could find yourself a guest/hostage in your own home - take it from someone who's been there ~

sheer_abulous

Hi!

First off, I can completely empathise with your situation. My ex was bipolar and used to have this level of incidents all the time, which is why I ended up leaving (smashed crockery, violence, trashed house) but I have other friends with bipolar who are nothing like that.

Firstly, I would hear the guy out, see what he has to say. Hear him out, it's a very complex disorder and takes a great deal of understanding. Then tell them you need some time to think, let them both sweat a bit and go talk it out with your fiance.
What you then need to think is a) do I feel safe with this person in my home? and b) are my family safe with this person in my home. If you cannot 100% say yes to either of the above, then they have to leave. Your fiance shouldn't pressure you either, you're not only thinking of yourself but of his 14 year old too. No one should have to tolerate that in their home, illness or not. He should understand that and yes, he may want to see his daughter but If you aren't comfortable with them staying remember it's your home too! Do try though, to put yourself in your fiances daughters and her fiances shoes, you only have to see him for another 3 days, They both have to live with the illness and believe me it is hard work! The guy probably feels terrible and just wants to make amends.