What I remember about being "Skinny"

MrsBrosco

I was slapped in the face with a few realizations this past weekend. I was sitting back relaxing while floating down the river in a semi-tube tire (what us Michiganders call "Tubing") thinking about how far i've come and how i'm still not (at all) happy with where I'm at in my weight loss journey. I was thinking back to what I felt like when I was 18 years old and 145lbs, when I first met my (now) husband.

On the outside I was:
~Outgoing
~Beautiful
~Confident
~Care Free

On the Inside I was:
~Fat
~My stomach was huge
~My hips were too big
~Feeling judged about everything I was putting in my mouth
~Depressed
~Horrible Anxiety about my appearance at all times

I remember the first time I was going to meet my Husband's family, I was terrified. I thought they would wonder why he was dating a "Big Girl" and not some beautiful slender woman. When we would go out to eat I was so self conscience about everything I ordered wondering when he was going to break up with me because of my appearance. When I met his friends I was beyond mortified, they would be really friendly and wonderful and I would think it was because they wanted to make Dave comfortable with the situation.

While tubing down the river I wanted to cry. What on earth had made me think so lowly of myself for so long? My entire life I have been self conscience. I have never been the small boned size 2 (or size 5 for that matter). In high school I had been a size 9/11 but I had curves and large boobs and I was beautiful! It makes me sick to think about how I thought of myself at that size and time in my life. Those were supposed to be the best years of my life and instead I spent them miserable inside. I did put on a pretty good show on the outside though.

My question.... If I have had this self image of myself my entire life, how do I get past that? How do I start to make myself see myself as beautiful now if I couldn't back then when I was at an ideal weight? I am down to 170lbs from 230lbs, when is it ever going to be good enough for my reflection in the mirror? When will my mentality switch sides?

MrsBrosco

WOW MY SPELLING SUCKS.... sorry!

smkey

Your words express what I'm feeling to a T.
And I grew up in Michigan. We sound pretty parallel from Michigan to high weight to where we are.
Congrats on your weight loss, on your self-reflection, and on keeping it off - because with awareness you will succeed!
Sandi

TheKitsune6

This story sounds a lot like mine.

We have to just focus on the little things - because that's what got us here in the first place. Finding the little things that we hated and blowing them out of proportion. Now we have to find the little things that we like. For example, even though I'm a bigger girl, I like that I still have a defined waist. Or I like how my forearms look slimmer and tanner.

Soon those things will overpower the bad.

sc1572

I just recently graduated high school in 2010 and when I graduated I was around 150. I am now down to about 143 after my first year of college, and still have issues with my self esteem. It's hard to like what you see in the mirror each day, but I remind myself that EVERYBODY has parts of themselves they wish they could change. I hate my stomach, but my friends and family tell me that I have some of the nicest and muscular legs out of everyone they know. It's been hard, but when I started exercising everyday and losing weight, I tell myself that although I wish I could change certain things about myself, there are others I would not want to. You just have to find a balance.

rn_jacki

Honestly, what you are describing sounds like it has aboslutely nothing to do with your actual weight or your actual outward appearance at all. I do not think you will make any kind of mental change simply by altering your eating habits and exercise patterns. I strongly encourage some kind of counseling to figure out where those emotions/feelings have come from and how to change them. While getting healthier physically (losing weight) is an important step for your future so is getting healthier mentally. If you can't do counseling, which I think would be best, you could try self-help books or something on the subject of gaining an image of "self", gaining confidence. I personally don't think it will just COME.

Good luck on your journey. You are worth it!

skinnyhappy

Just change your inner voice! It takes so much practice but be mindful of what you're telling yourself. When you reach for a snack what's the voice in your head saying? If it's something negative, stop the mind-chatter! Smile, recognize that what you've just said to yourself, and tell yourself something positive, instead. With practice, positive thoughts will win out.

KendraLea1277

This is TOTALLY my story too! I am 5'10'' and down to 155 after a year of working very hard. (I honestly don't remember when I've been this thin.) In high school I was very fit and also curvy and I thought I was fat... I'm also struggling with the "image" in the mirror. I keep thinking, "I can lose 5 more..." etc... I don't have an answer but just know you are not alone!!!

deenanna

I know the feeling.... My boyfriend's dad told him that I needed to lose weight. I was ok with myself until that moment. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Hearing that tore me up. I went into depression and ate my feelings. I got to almost 200 pounds. Being 5 foot 5 inches and young, I shouldn't have let myself get like that. During my binge stage my boyfriend expressed concern for my health, NOT my weight. He had been taking me bike riding, and pushing me to be healthier until his vacation in Europe. Now It's MY turn to prove that I can do this for myself and I can take my life into my hands. I feel far more confident than I did and I don't think that I will hear anything negative about my weight from his dad again. My boyfriend will be back from Europe this week or the next and I hope that through my accomplishment of taking my health into my own hands I will make him proud.

andiimarie

I can totally relate to this. Someone posted a picture of me from high school on Facebook this weekend and I couldn't believe how skinny I looked. Then I remembered that I had thought I was fat at that time. I can't believe I spent so much time in high school worrying about how big I was and now look at me... I have over 100 pounds to lose.

I am sure those negative feelings towards myself contributed to my weight gain. Boy, if we had it to do over again...

alexoftroy

While I don't have much wisdom to share with you, I do have this: Thank you. Thank you so much. I'm barely 20 and have struggled with an eating disorder/distorted body image since I was 15. I often chastise myself, knowing that I should be enjoying this time in my life and appreciating the body I have. Your story really inspires me and has brightened my morning - It made me feel less alone. I believe you can change your self-talk, and I believe that I can, too. Best wishes!

threeringedgirl

i wish i could help you but in all honesty i was there in that tube w you


thats not true ive been battling

i try to compliment the body parts i like and even those that arent where i want them to be i remind myself that they are strong. that I AM STRONG. i am built like my mother who although shorter than me is a power house we are a lot of muscle built on a small frame.
i was the smallest ever when i graduated highschool but was mentally and physically not in a good place and even THEN i didn't love my body.
one thing i've noticed is that its hard to see change because we see ourselves everday in the mirror the slow progression escapes us. i took 'start' pictures 2 weeks ago and there will be more in a week and in 3 more weeks and in 3 more weeks etc that way i can't dispute all the hard work and eating right are working and that i have the power to change my body

kimmerroze

This is why losing weight is so much more than JUST losing the weight... your brain is over weight too, and the best route you can go to fix that is counceling. I want to start counceling eventually, I don't consider my mind too screwed up (not saying yours is either) but there were things that happend to me growing up, (kids are mean in school) and my family has issues, lol and I have had a damaged self image for as long as I can remember

I too, wonder when I will be able to look in the mirror and say "DAMN! I look good!" And I think that time will only come once I figure out my mental barriers that are warping my eyes.

so that is my suggestion, seek counceling! :flowerforyou:

jjclem07

Amazing how much like me it is too. I am 5'5" and I at my thinnest can only weigh 150 due to my bone structure. My husband is 5' 7" and is much smaller than me. My sister is always been tiny and can wear the tiny cute clothes and it does make you lack confidence within your self. I did sports and I used that to justify my larger size. I wore a size 12 in high school, while most of my girlfriends were a size 5. I understand you...if you look at my wedding pictures too..not true happiness in my eyes either.

But, like you..I am getting there.

bluefox9er

beauty to me is an internal thing. now matter how outwardly 'attractive' you can be on appearance, it's inner beauty that shines...and carrying beauty both inward and outward needs to be done so with a little humility, also. being skinny dosn't mean being beautiful and vice-versa :-)

Maggie_Haleen

I know exactly what you mean! When I think back to my late teens early 20s and remember the body I had, holy crap! I didn't know what I had. I remember hiding myself in shorts and tshirts at the beach, and not wearing clothes that I would love to wear now...but really can't now! I was never a super skinny person, always very athletic so I had a muscular frame which i'm trying to get back!
In University I lived with a girl that was super tiny! We both put a lot of weight on in the first year and her highest weight was probably my weight at my skinniest as an adult! Then in our 2nd year we started to work out and eat right. We both basically ate the same food and worked out the same...and of course she went down to a size zero and I was in an 8. An 8 is amazing when I think about it now...but it was difficult then comparing myself to her. Then one day she told me she was jealous of me, of my curves, my round butt and boobs. She said she would love to have my body! I was shocked! From that day I started looking at the positives that I had. Not everything was perfect...but realized that when I looked at other people I only looked at their positives and would think wow...look at her toned arms. I wasn't looking at their imperfections...so why do I focus on mine? That's when my negative outlook turned to a postive and I would rock a bikini and chant to myself "people are looking at your great boobs and not the cellulite on the back of your legs"....and it worked!! Now that i've had a baby it's a little different. I went to a really negative body image after giving birth and it's taken 8 months to start to turn back to the positive. I decided i'm not going to put a weight goal down for myself. That turns into a battle with the scale every week...and not seeing a result that I wanted would put me in a very negative place (and usually a binge eating frenzy!) Instead I decided I wanted to accomplish things. I wanted to be a runner. Runners always look so fit and have so much energy. So 4 months ago I joined a learn to run group and now i'm training for a 10km. I've run a couple 5km and love it. The feeling of accomplishing a run, faster than my last run is a great measurement. Although I still weigh myself, I don't put pressure on myself because I know i'm gaining much needed muscle to move me faster and further.

I guess there's no specific answer to your questions. Only you will know how to answer those! But I do know that you can change that way of thinking negatively about yourself. You control your thoughts, no one else. You are the only one that has the power to make yourself happy (or sad). Like most people, you probably will never be 100% satisfied with what you see in the mirror...so stop trying to find it! Pick your positive features and love them, pamper them! Guarenteed someone is jealous of what you've got!

sla0814

Isn't that crazy...I was a lot littler in high school and thought I was a whale of a tale! I had a similar moment a couple weeks ago when I went away for a weekend with friends. I went running in the morning and got teary eyed just thinking how far I've come and how blessed I feel to have come SO far.

That weekend I wasn't worried about swimming, or (funny enough, similar to you) going tubing down the river...I was enjoying the time with fun people and not focusing on my legs, arms, etc.

We have to be proud of today, this moment, and be happy for what we've done so far!

God bless

Ssocrrbabe

THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for posting this.. it is so obvious that so many women beat themselves up over their body image. You are not alone,. I think everyone on this sight has probably gone through this and that's why we are here. Thank you for having the courage to post this as I have had these same thoughts and feelings my whole life. But its really hard to change the outside until you've changed the menal state on the inside. I used to hate my body in highsshool (but I was in the best shape of my life). Now I have to remind myself to keep my thoughts positive!
Positive thoughts turn into positive words turn into positive actions!Thanks again!

happymom1197

THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for posting this.. it is so obvious that so many women beat themselves up over their body image. You are not alone,. I think everyone on this sight has probably gone through this and that's why we are here. Thank you for having the courage to post this as I have had these same thoughts and feelings my whole life. But its really hard to change the outside until you've changed the menal state on the inside. I used to hate my body in highsshool (but I was in the best shape of my life). Now I have to remind myself to keep my thoughts positive!
Positive thoughts turn into positive words turn into positive actions!Thanks again!

Yep. Ditto. TY!!!!!!

kapeluza

How this happened to me? It happened by having family members always comparing me to the toothpick of my cousin who was a size 3-5. I was very athletic but NEVER good/skinny enough for my family. When I look back and look at my pictures from junior high and high school I wasn't ****ing fat!!!!!!!!! I was normal FFS!!! They would always call my sister and me, the big girls. When I would get second helpings, they would say "oh just let her eat, she has a huge appetite", of course I did, I was in a lot of sports and always doing exercise! Up to this day, my sister has lost 60lbs + and when I go to family gatherings (Christmas, etc etc) my aunts/uncles tell me how fat I am and how beautiful my sister is and how I should lose weight so I can LOOK BEAUTIFUL TOO...

W.....T........ F. I am sick of this s^it. Do you realize how humiliating this is? Do you realize how it makes my morale drop to the floor? My mom once told me a few months ago before I started my diet, "Oh, Julie, you will always be fat, maybe it's time you start looking for clothes that will go with your body shape and not make you look terrible". UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This time, I am losing weight for my OWN sanity, for my health and because I am sick of people telling me these humiliating stabs. I am working so hard so when I see them in November - Thanksgiving and they are all, "oohhhh ahhhh look at you, look at all the weight you lost" I will tell them. I did it for MYSELF and so people can stop *****ing at me and point their finger on someone else for a change. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

THIS IS HOW SOMEONE CAN COME TO A POINT OF HAVING LITTLE TO NO SELF ESTEEM!!!


Edit : wow, this took a lot to admit. I am at the point of tears

GreenGettingLean

Thank you for having the courage to write this - it practically gave me goosebumps because it's exactly what I've felt every day since I was 13. Every now and then I'll come across an old picture of myself and I'm almost shocked by the thin, attractive person I see, because I know on the inside I dreaded having that picture taken. Social events that require swimwear are my worst nightmare. I've suffered from a distorted body image for years now, and I'm finally trying to fix that in a healthy way, by confronting my low self esteem and really trying to build MYSELF up. I want to actually feel as confident and carefree as everyone thinks I am. Once again, thanks for this, it really made me stop and think about the little bit of progress I have made and if any of you are looking for support, feel free to add me!

NurseLocke

Confidence & sexiness are not an attribute - they are a state of mind. Dream it - be it. I work with the most gorgeous chocolate woman I have ever met. Her smile is big and contagious. Her skin has virtually no flaws. And she always has something nice to say or in the very least, a friendly greeting. She weighs almost 300# and is approx. the same height as me. She's beautiful. Her *kitten* is (and I'm not kidding you) 3x wider than yours (well, what I remember of it anyway) Point of the story, don't rely on the numbers on a scale to make you happy & confident. If you do rely on them, you will never be happy.

You are beautiful. Look in the mirror and say it out loud, 10x. Find one thing a day that you love about your body and focus on that.
You gotta ac-cen-tuate the POSITIVE, e-lim-inate the NEGATIVE....