Body Dysmorphia Support

iluvsparkles

I know I am not the only person on MFP suffering through this right now, and to be quite blunt, I could really use some support from people who can actually relate.

if you are not aware of what BDD is, click here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

To spare you the boring details of my situation, I will give you the readers digest version and I encourage you to do the same. (I really want to know I'm not alone in this struggle!)

ok, so I am:
Emily, twin mom, graphic designer and stay at home mom.
The bdd started in high school when I became anorexic. I have fluctuated many times over the years and finally learned the 'healthy way' to lose and maintain by using mfp during my engagement to prepare for the wedding/honeymoon. At my lowest weight ever, I still thought I was fat then. If I only knew...

Then we got pregnant with twins on the honeymoon and my life turned kind of upside down in so many ways. I was always very terrified of what pregnancy would do to my body and doubly so with twins. During the pregnancy I gained about 60 lbs. After the twins were born, I immediately lost about 40 of them, but this last 20 has really done a number on my psyche. I pretty much hate the way I look all together now, and it's starting to affect my life. My husband just can't see why I am so pre-occupied with my flaws and his solution is 'just do some more sit-ups and push-ups" (which my brain interprets as him saying "yea you're right, you could use some work." (for the record, I was 230 the day the babies were born, 190 the week after, 177 now, and 160 is pretty much my goal for now.

This is as heavy as I have ever been (besides during pregnancy), and despite the fact that I have worked harder than ever before to lose this weight, it is just coming off SO SLOWLY. Hubby tells me I'm beautiful, but I don't believe him and convince myself that he is just saying that because he knows it's what I want to hear. I detest seeing myself in the mirror and cry frequently over this issue. I think that this negative self image contributed to what I was thinking were 'baby blues' that never went away, and I feel like these 20 lbs have hijacked my life.

I KNOW that there are underlying issues here, but I am one of the millions of Americans without insurance and so therapy is just not an option for me. Besides that, I have no idea how to proceed, except to keep trucking with watching my calories and exercising, and try to get back to a more confident woman who feels comfortable in her skin. I don't want my husband to have to listen to me gripe and cry over how much I hate my appearance any more, and I certainly don't want to pass this down to my daughter or son.

I thought about posting some 'then and now' photos but then I figured that was just a vain attempt at fishing for compliments that I know won't actually change the way I think about how I look.

Anyway, so that's a brief confession of how I make myself feel horrible every day, and this post is me pulling at strings in an attempt to find someone who understands how uncontrollable a negative body image can be, and how hard it can make life for everyone around.

Any coping tips and similar experiences would be appreciated.

skinnyhappy

Hi!!! I've binged, purged, restricted and cried staring in the mirror too many times to not understand what you're going through. Admittedly, I'm not big, but when I look at my thighs, stomach, all I can do is pinch what fat is there and fret and worry about diabetes, heart disease, cancer, people thinking I'm lazy for being fat. All insane thoughts.

My husband says the same thing, "Do more crunches, run longer." I know he's only trying to help, but like you, I translate it negatively. He's also baffled when we see a girl out in public and I say, "She's smaller than me I'd like to be that size." According to him, I"m waaaaaaaaaaaay off.

Anyway, long story short, yoga has helped with my confidence level. If you can't afford classes, YouTube is a great resource. I really do recommend at least going to a few classes every once in a while for alignment (to avoid injury). Everything in yoga is about learning to be kind to your body, treat it gently, respect it. Some of the poses I do INSTANTLY boost my confidence. Feel free to add me as I have no clue what my body looks like and am learning (SO SLOWLY) how to talk nicely to myself I'm ALWAYS on here so I'm available for support anytime.

annehdavis

Will losing the weight make you happy? Really?

iluvsparkles

i don't know if it will, but its the only starting point I've got.

songbyrdsweet

I understand!! The picture in my avi is from about 2.5 years ago. My boyfriend took that. When I looked at it I said "I don't look like that. It is just the lighting. I'm not that lean yet." He looked at me like I was wearing pants on my head, but I REALLY didn't believe what I was LOOKING right at! I could always pick out something in the mirror, always squeeze fat here or there, always feel guilty if my meals were greater than 300 calories, always pick a new goal weight. I went on like that for over a year, binging and purging either with exercise or (rarely) vomiting. If I didn't work out, I was SURE I would gain 5 LBS that day, even if I only ate 1200 calories. It got worse after he and I broke up, because then, who would want me?

After a couple panic attacks (unrelated to my BDD) I was blessed to be able to get a counselor through the university. I was diagnosed with disordered eating, depression, and anxiety. My therapist helped me realize that it wasn't about my weight, but about control. I had so little control in the other areas of my life (finances, school, living situation) that I was fixated on this one thing. And I NEEDED to go to the gym not just to 'protect' myself from fat gain, but because that was the 2 hours a day that DIDN'T SUCK. He also helped me recognize my thought-feeling-action process. Really, the feeling comes first. You recognize it "I feel fat"...and then try to retrace your thoughts to what produced that feeling..."I was thinking about how I don't like the way this shirt fits"...and then you can stop a potentially damaging action like purging. You can also recognize an irrational thought this way. "I must have the fattest legs of anyone else on campus." Have I seen everyone else on campus? When you REALLY think about what you're saying to yourself, most of it is absolutely nonsense! Also, you don't have to THINK every thought. You own your mind and you can control what you're dwelling on. Eventually you will be able to dismiss those thoughts as nonsense.

Now I can look in the mirror and feel really good about what I see. Sure there is some cellulite I want to get rid of, but I have a fab upper body and my legs are really improving. I no longer feel guilty about what I'm eating. I don't binge anymore either, because I let myself indulge when I'm really wanting some ice cream or chocolate. When I know I *can* have it, I don't dwell on wanting it constantly.

I hope some of this will help you. I understand how it feels to look at yourself and see nothing but flaws. Whatever your beliefs, know that it was a MIRACLE that YOU were the one sperm and egg that made it, and you are a whole human being with an amazing and dynamic body. It would be a terrible waste not to love it while you have it. :flowerforyou:

tashjs21

Emily, you do look fabulous! :flowerforyou:

I can totally relate to how you feel. Motherhood is a wonderful thing but not feeling like yourself can make it hard to enjoy it sometimes. :sad:


I know you do a lot of Zumba and I've seen some awesome burns from that. Have you thought about throwing something else in the mix to shake it up? Whenever I (Before pregnancy weight loss me) would hit a plateau and the pounds didn't seem to budge I would switch up something in my workout. It was almost like my body got used to that so although I wasn't gaining I wasn't losing. Switching up the workout would jumpstart the loss again.

I know it is easier said than done but try not to stress about it that will slow your body down too. PM me anytime you want. I can relate to so much in your post Especially the looking back at past photos and remembering that I thought I was fat the time.

iluvsparkles

thanks yall. I really appreciate the support. It is a fine line we walk when there is disordered eating in the mix and I sure am struggling not to topple over the line to either side.

I definitely think that this is sort of like an 'identity crisis' in that not only is my body completely different, but so is my life! It is NOTHING like my old life and I'm struggling to adjust.

I definitely need to work some other workouts into my days. Zumba definitely gives me some major calorie burn, but my body is certainly used to it now that I am an instructor. Before the honeymoon I was doing Zumba and pilates which really did the trick..the thing is, I didn't have 2 toddlers at the time. By the time they are in nap or bed and I have finished teaching Zumba and working on my freelance job, i honestly don't feel like doing more workout, but I know I need to. I miss my 'me' time, so I guess that exercising is just going to have to suffice as my 'me time' now.

TXHunny84

Same here sweetie...I was a big girl in my late childhood early teen years. I was held back in first grade so the second time around I was taller than the other kids and my height made me different from the other kids....and I just wanted to blend in. Then my mom would say oh-they'll catch up it's just cuz they are younger....so I would eat as a comfort... That's when I got heavy. I began doing every fad diet and calorie restriction(anorexia) out there. My weight has yo-yo'd up and down for over a decade now. I have killed my thyroid because of my crazy eating and not-eating ways.... I hate exercise and love junk foods and big portions so this is so hard. I always ONLY lost weight by starving. Then I'd be sooooo hungry I'd binge....then be depressed and angry.....cycle starts over....

I'm really not big...but I seem myself as a huge cow I guess. I guess it's like I see some thin woman walk by and cuz I'm not as thin as her I feel fatter.... Make sense?.. Like I see how my underarm will jiggle and see hers doesn't...and I'll think did anyone else notice my jiggly under arm?....Does everyone else see I am bigger than this other girl?... Like there is some competition to be thinner or something but it's all in my mind I guess...?

Also I think the size I want to be is just unrealistic. Or I guess how I want to look is unrealistic.... I will see a girl and say I want to be that size and my husband says I couldn't ever be that small cuz of my body build. I am a 5'5" pear shaped girl and I have a longer torso and shorter-ish legs. So I dream of long lean legs.....not short-ish legs with bigger thighs and saddle bags.....

I'm am hoping once I lose 10 pounds and really tone up my thighs so nothing jiggles that I will finally be satisfied and will know I'm not "fat." I think being tight and toned will boost my confidence more than and scale number and jeans size will.

songbyrdsweet

Same here sweetie...I was a big girl in my late childhood early teen years. I was held back in first grade so the second time around I was taller than the other kids and my height made me different from the other kids....and I just wanted to blend in. Then my mom would say oh-they'll catch up it's just cuz they are younger....so I would eat as a comfort... That's when I got heavy. I began doing every fad diet and calorie restriction(anorexia) out there. My weight has yo-yo'd up and down for over a decade now. I have killed my thyroid because of my crazy eating and not-eating ways.... I hate exercise and love junk foods and big portions so this is so hard. I always ONLY lost weight by starving. Then I'd be sooooo hungry I'd binge....then be depressed and angry.....cycle starts over....

I'm really not big...but I seem myself as a huge cow I guess. I guess it's like I see some thin woman walk by and cuz I'm not as thin as her I feel fatter.... Make sense?.. Like I see how my underarm will jiggle and see hers doesn't...and I'll think did anyone else notice my jiggly under arm?....Does everyone else see I am bigger than this other girl?... Like there is some competition to be thinner or something but it's all in my mind I guess...?

Also I think the size I want to be is just unrealistic. Or I guess how I want to look is unrealistic.... I will see a girl and say I want to be that size and my husband says I couldn't ever be that small cuz of my body build. I am a 5'5" pear shaped girl and I have a longer torso and shorter-ish legs. So I dream of long lean legs.....not short-ish legs with bigger thighs and saddle bags.....

I'm am hoping once I lose 10 pounds and really tone up my thighs so nothing jiggles that I will finally be satisfied and will know I'm not "fat." I think being tight and toned will boost my confidence more than and scale number and jeans size will.

I know that feeling of constant comparison! It's been most difficult for me to stop doing that. Sometimes I'll do it in a positive way, (i.e., my butt is bigger than hers but that's because it's so muscular, hehe) but I shouldn't do that either. Knowing your body type and your potential and striving for what looks good on your shape is much healthier, but it's hard! Sometimes we want an entirely different bone structure! I work with a few very tiny, petite girls, all 5'2 and under, and around 100 lbs. I am 5'0 and 136 lbs, but I have done the math based on my body fat, and reaching 100 lbs would not be possible for me without ending up in the hospital.

megz4987

I feel how you feel. I'm trying my damnest not to let it take over again, it's a struggle every day. I know I'll probably never be happy with my weight. From minute to minute I think my nose is too big, then too small, same with my lips and my eyes are just always too small for my face. It sucks but I'm trying.
It's nice to know we're not alone.

songbyrdsweet

I feel how you feel. I'm trying my damnest not to let it take over again, it's a struggle every day. I know I'll probably never be happy with my weight. From minute to minute I think my nose is too big, then too small, same with my lips and my eyes are just always too small for my face. It sucks but I'm trying.
It's nice to know we're not alone.

It's interesting to hear about BDD in this form. Normally it's about weight, but it can be just as difficult when it comes to your features! I broke my nose years ago and now I feel like it's HYUUUUGE and the only thing people see on my face. :embarassed:

iluvsparkles

it is kind of neat to hear about others with bdd issues in this setting, because it's true, a good portion of what some of us feel can not in any way be affected by our weight. i.e. my eyes will always be squinty and small, and turn down on the sides, but recently a friend of mine told me that that was one of the things she found endearing to me..and I never really thought of it that way. It's all about who's looking, and I have been finding that I really project how I feel about myself onto my husband, and say "you don't think I'm pretty' when what I really mean is "I hate the way I look right now." I'm so lucky that he doesn't get mad...I think he's more frustrated that he can't help at this point more than anything.

megz4987

I feel how you feel. I'm trying my damnest not to let it take over again, it's a struggle every day. I know I'll probably never be happy with my weight. From minute to minute I think my nose is too big, then too small, same with my lips and my eyes are just always too small for my face. It sucks but I'm trying.
It's nice to know we're not alone.

It's interesting to hear about BDD in this form. Normally it's about weight, but it can be just as difficult when it comes to your features! I broke my nose years ago and now I feel like it's HYUUUUGE and the only thing people see on my face. :embarassed:

I thought I just didn't like my face and that it was normal for someone who didn't find themself attractive. Then someone mentioned I may have BDD and took a measly online quiz and realized that yea, I probably do. So, I'm working on it now that I know it's not normal in anyway to sit infront of the mirror for hours trying to physically measure your features to see if they fit your face and picking and poking and... mess. I just see myself as looking manly. I will not leave the house without makeup on and even then I fear peopel think I'm a tranny.

DorkothyParker

I've been dealing with BDD as well. I have been working at recovering from my eating disorder for about a month. The world is a chaotic place and it feels like we should be able to control our bodies, but in so many ways we can't. I've destroyed patches of skin around my thighs and rear from picking and pulling and scratching at it all the time (mild Dermatillomania) . It's horrible.

My advice is to take things one day at a time. Know your triggers and avoid them. Give yourself a mirror time-limit. I know when I go wash my hands, if I look in the mirror I will start to have very negative thoughts about myself and I will spend 15 minutes pinching my flesh and thinking about how horrible I am. So I don't let myself start. I think "wash, wash wash, dry, goodbye." It's not that extreme every time; a lot of it depends on my mood. So just try to be happy too, I guess?

You're not alone. Best of luck to you. You are more insanely beautiful than you realize.

songbyrdsweet

I've destroyed patches of skin around my thighs and rear from picking and pulling and scratching at it all the time (mild Dermatillomania) . It's horrible.

Oh my goodness...I do this too, but to my scalp. I had no idea there was a name for it. It's so embarrassing because I can't stop scratching even in public sometimes...it just calms me down so much. :embarassed: I usually do it while driving or reading. If I feel any sort of imperfection I have to scratch it. It doesn't hurt too much, but I have had really bad patches of skin in the past from focusing on it too much.

SuperstarDJ

I've destroyed patches of skin around my thighs and rear from picking and pulling and scratching at it all the time (mild Dermatillomania) . It's horrible.

Oh my goodness...I do this too, but to my scalp. I had no idea there was a name for it. It's so embarrassing because I can't stop scratching even in public sometimes...it just calms me down so much. :embarassed: I usually do it while driving or reading. If I feel any sort of imperfection I have to scratch it. It doesn't hurt too much, but I have had really bad patches of skin in the past from focusing on it too much.

I've got dermatillomania too. My face, scalp and legs are destroyed from it

iluvsparkles

oh my goodness you guys have opened my eyes to what dermatillomania is... I had no idea, but I have it too. I continually pick at my bottom lip, scalp and fingers to the point of bleeding on a daily basis. i had absolutely no idea that it is related, but now that I think about it, it's been going on since the ED started in 9th grade.

It really is good to know we are not alone in this. DParker...I like your suggestion about 'wash wash wash done' when washing hands, because I too get fixated on the mirror during the millions of times that I wash my hands each day. I need to put that into practice.

iluvsparkles

Just wanted to bump this for anyone who deals with this and is looking for some more supportive friends on mfp.