Support and positive attention....bad?

piperjon

I've had this question for many many years, and unfortunately it will take a litle bit of background. Please bear with me.

I've been big my whole life, and like many, I've had success and failure a the health/weight/body fat struggle. In high school I worked in a factory, ended up in great physical shape, went to college and on the weight came. In the 90s during the low-fat craze I took that up along with powerwalking 5 miles a day, lost tons, got down to a magical 217 (I'm 6"1' and built like a linebacker), and then gave it up for delicious fatty food. Again 6 years ago, took up running (yeah I know...) starting with the Couch to 5K program, I got down to 230, ran 5K each and every day. Healthy as an ox, card carrying vegetarian. Soon after, vadda-foom, I'm back in the 300s.

Each and every time I've succeeded, I would talk about it to people, if they'd ask. I would seek out support, and online help (places similar to here, forums, etc), and I would make friends with other weight-loss junkies as a means of "keeping myself honest." Motivation partners. Exercise friends. And each and every time, I ended up back in my size 50 pants.

So, this time: I started quietly in October of last year, drinking green tea and changing over to healthy foods. Small things. Went vegetariain again for a while, now I'm a proto-flexitarian: I eat meat, but love vegan and vegetarian foods too. Kept it to myself, too. Talked tea with my girlfriend, but never went out of my way to talk about it, and in fact actively avoided conversation about my weight with dismissive gestures and saying "baaaah" a lot. Started in martial arts again, and doing some bikeriding. Started documenting here because I found my PVC's are related to carbohydrate intake, and found that the program is beneficial for a bunch of stuff. I began this at 320 pounds then, and now I'm down to 275. Great, eh?

I'm losing the motivation again. Here it is, all over again. I started here on MFP, started posting, had some interesting conversations. I've had people ask me about the weight loss at work and in my gf's family (paying attention to it, basically), and have had people making very appropriate and encouraging commentary. Even had some flirting with me at work. Yes, FLIRTING!

Now I just feel like quitting.

What. The. Crap??? Herein lies the question: With all the research that shows having an active support network as being crucial to big-time weight loss, why is it that when I GET that support, and I get the positive reinforcement and admiring attention, why in heck do I want to quit?

I don't feel bad, in fact, I feel good. I'm not starving, I eat all the time. I am a bit weary of logging things, as I tend toward OCD kinds of behaviors and perseverating about it, but I was like this several times since October, never really wanted to quit. NOo big whup. But now that there's all this attention, and talking, and reviewing, and posting, and encouragement, why NOW does it feel hopeless???

I don't get it!

And even moreso, how do I tell people to stop mentioning it to me out here in the real world? I had someone almost literally jump out from behind a desk in my path of walking and blurt out "Okay, so how much have you lost?" It evidently has been the topic of conversation. I don't wanna be the topic of conversation! I wanna be left alone to just be a healthier guy!

Okay, sorry for that rant, back to the question at hand.

So, anyone else out there find that attention to your success makes you prone to failure? How do you make people try to not be so dang helpful?

skinnyjeanzbound

I have no answer about why the support seems to derail you, but I can understand the desire to not have people talking about your weight loss. I also don't always like to share my progress with people in the real world or give them details about what I'm doing to lose the weight. In fact, I think that's part of the reason MFP has worked so well for me--b/c I can share with the people here and not talk about it much with non-mfp friends.

I've also found that when people do bring it up face to face, my best bet is to just give straighforward, brief answers and move on with the conversation. For example, last week I ran into a colleague at the school where I teach and she said, "You look great! You've lost a ton of weight." My response was "About 20 lbs. thanks for noticing" and then I just moved forward and asked how her summer was going.

One thing I have discovered about myself recently is that part of the reason I don't like the attention is that it makes me feel judged and ultimately, I was afraid that when I finally failed and gained back the weight, everyone would also notice THAT and be much more critical. Now that I've been doing this for over 5 months, it really does feel more like a lifestyle change than a "diet" which has helped a lot. When people ask what diet I'm on, I can honestly say "No diet, I eat whatever I want, I just make sure my net calories are 1200/day." And it's true; if I want a burger and fries, I make sure I burn enough calories that day to indulge. If I'm not going to get a chance to run or go to the gym, I know I will need to make very healthy choices to stay within my calorie allowance.

I'm not saying this same reasoning applies to you, but perhaps if you figure out WHY support seems to hinder your progress you will be more successful than trying to avoid the support.

Good luck to you and feel friend to friend me--I promise not to be too supportive; in fact, if it will help, I can berate you and tell you what a terrible job you are doing

Alaranio

I think it's because now that they noticed they'll be "watching". You probably feel like they will critique you and feel doomed to fail. I would feel trapped if everyone was ooooing and ahhhing asking me questions. Like never living up to everones expectation now that it's out there for everyone else to see. When it's just you it's like a secret victory. You can kinda show off with out being cocky about your success because you don't push it in their face. I say set some high goals for your self. Something demanding. That way you'll focus and rally the support.

verair

I agree with what's said before. I think a way to get out of this is to set fitness and health goals (like drinking eight glasses of water per day or running 10k 5 days a week) instead of weight goals (like lose 5 pounds in this month). This changes your focus from what everyone else can see to only what you know and so those small victories stay private. You'll still lose weight and people may even still comment but the weight is not your goal... just a healthier lifestyle.

piperjon

Man, y'all are some insightful folks, and you've given me some things to think about.
Which I will be doing tonight when I get home, over some carrot sticks. ;-)
So far, words from responses are resonating, such as "watching, trapped, doomed to fail, expectations, critique."
And especially "set fitness and health goals" and "focus." and "secret victory". And "lifestyle change."

Definitely some things to think about... hmmm.... thanks so much, y'all!
Pj