Jokes

Anna_Banana

I was on a Nebraska car dealer assossiation web site and it had tons of jokes, here are a few.

Two young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'


A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher. " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? " The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. " The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. " The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. " The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "


Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” She says. “You’re not kidding,” says Fred. <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->“For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”


“What’s the quickest way from Memorial Stadium to our NEIADA Lincoln office?” “Are you walking or driving?” “I’m driving.” “That’s definitely the quickest way.”


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look! So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."


Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?' 'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.' 'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?' Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.' Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?' 'Four and a half carats.'

Anna_Banana

I was on a Nebraska car dealer assossiation web site and it had tons of jokes, here are a few.

Two young Swedish men from up in Minnesota were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models. Ole says to the Sven 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?' Sven replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!' Ole says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one.' Sven smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.' Three weeks later, Sven asks his friend Ole, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?' Ole replies, 'No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!'


A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. " How much do you want for the mower? " asked the preacher. " I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle, " said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, " Will you take my bike in trade for it? " The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, " Mister, you've got yourself a deal. " The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, " I can't get this mower to start. " The little boy said, " That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started. " The preacher said, " I can't cuss. I'm a preacher and it is something we can't do. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss. " The little boy looked at him happily and said, " You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. "


Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. “What a terrible day,” he tells his wife. “Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee.” “Oh, that’s awful!” She says. “You’re not kidding,” says Fred. <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->“For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry…”


“What’s the quickest way from Memorial Stadium to our NEIADA Lincoln office?” “Are you walking or driving?” “I’m driving.” “That’s definitely the quickest way.”


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up the six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look! So the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."


Benny died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sarah turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Benny would be pleased,' she said. 'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?' 'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Forty thousand.' 'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?' Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.' Jody computed quickly. '$34,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?' 'Four and a half carats.'

firegirlred

My kind of memorial stone!

Phoenix_Rising

"This is for washing our hair." "Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

I thought the punch line would include a pack of smokes, not pretzels.

My kind of memorial stone!

Ditto!!

Anna_Banana

My kind of memorial stone!

That's kind of what I thought.

TheRoadDog

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.