just another Q for the men out there

cabul3

I don't think anything is wrong is going on between me and my boyfriend, but lately he is opting more and more often to sleep on the futon instead of in our bed with me. his explanations sound valid enough: his knees are sore and the couch is just more comfy, or he is tossing/turning and doesn't want to disturb my sleep, or he passed out watching tv in the living room -- but really? 2-3-4x/wk?

whenever he chooses the couch, i silently cry myself to sleep, thinking he doesn't want to be near me because i must not be attractive to him anymore, blah blah blah. i know i'm being silly, but i'm sensitive to these things. and he doesn't know it makes me sad/cry.

when you love your partner, don't you want to share their bed every nite!? i do....

juleseybaby

I would wonder. And I would investigate. And if there is nothing to be found that is 'bad', then I would for sure let him know how it makes you feel.

mrmarius

not neccesarily.. i prefer to sleep by myself, because my wife snores and i'm a light sleeper. i'm working 3rd shift now so i get that. is he pulling away from you in other ways? if he's not wanting to be around you when you're both awake is a better indicator on if something is going on

Rae6503

Not a man but..

Talk to him about it. Ask him why, tell him it hurts your feelings and that you'd like him to sleep with you. Open communication is KEY to relationships.

cabul3

not neccesarily.. i prefer to sleep by myself, because my wife snores and i'm a light sleeper. i'm working 3rd shift now so i get that. is he pulling away from you in other ways? if he's not wanting to be around you when you're both awake is a better indicator on if something is going on

i am a silent sleeper. and he's not pulling away in other ways, just this one.... maybe i worry too much?

Shutterpillar

probably time to talk to him about it. If he knew it upset you, then maybe he would stop. Perhaps you guys can save up for a new bed? one he is comfortable in?

sometimes sacrifices need to be made to make a relationship work, but it should be a situation that you both agree on. communication is the key. talk to him about it.

Kolohe71

Sounds a little off to me. Wife and I have been together for almost 17 years, and we have NEVER slept apart while in the same house.

Trixtabella

You should tell him how it makes you feel, if the bed is that uncomfortable maybe you should suggest saving for a new one.
If he doesn't know you feel upset how is he supposed to reassure you that your just acting crazy :happy: I only say this because I am very insecure in my relationship because of my weight and my boyfriend is forever telling me why keep things to yourself and worry when you can talk to me and I can stop the craziness.

Just a suggestion, you never know it might work

mishelnkiki

my daughters father did that. and then his new gf says that he does that with her too. he says hes just more comfortable on the couch. he doesnt like to sleep in the bed. not a man, just my input.

DiabeticAlien

I would say he's probably telling you the truth. But I would recommend telling him how it makes you feel. One should always be honest with their partner, otherwise it can lead to bad feelings or misunderstandings.

bry_all01

I'm a gal, not a guy, but I sleep on the couch, because its roomy and far more comfortable than trying to fight 2 dogs and hubby for space in the bed. Plus, he goes to bed earlier than I do, and I stay up to watch my "chick" shows and do my crunches and push ups, then pass out. So, I could see comfy as a reason.

cmriverside

Aw. Sorry.

I'm more cynical. I would assume there is a problem. :ohwell: But talking about it may solve your discomfort.






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edit, cuz I was being too hard on the guy......

lodro

I've been married for nearly 25 years now, and for 15 out of those 25 we've slept in separate bedrooms mostly. I can imagine how startled you are, though. At present it is not the norm to sleep separately, and it is often construed as pointing to something being wrong with the relationship, but it doesn't need to be. In former times it was much more common for partners not to share the bed except on special occasions of course. Having said this, I think it is important that you express to him that you like being in one bed with him, and for him to express that he likes being in one bed with you. If it is really difficult for him physically, you might change your mattress.

PalmettoparkGuy

Chill out. A lot of guys like to sleep alone. I hate sleeping with others. Maybe you fart in your sleep.

MrsCon40

Also not a man but I am a newlywed and we sometimes sleep seperately... he's all gangly arms and legs and takes up a lot of room - and sometimes I toss and turn so much...

If all other things are ok I would resist the urge to be female and read too much in to it.

cmriverside

Of course, maybe this is why I'm single I can't sleep with anyone who snores.

amart17

I know that my father ends up on the couch 4-5 nights a week for the simple reason that he gets too warm and tosses and turns in the middle of the night. It doesn't usually bug my mom, but he's always concerned that it will, so if he's too warm to sleep, he just goes to the couch. Oh, and they've been happily married for 25 years, so I'd say as long as the bed is the only issue, it's probably not a huge deal.

jarrettd

I don't pretend to know your whole situation, but I can tell you that men go through cycles where they just need their space. I've been married 26 years, and my husband, now and then, just gets tired of looking at me. He isn't falling out of love with me or falling for someone else...he just needs some downtime. If I nag after him or fuss and pout, he stays "gone" from me longer. If I let him have his space and find something to amuse myself (friends, hobby, etc.) he comes to find me after a while. And we're closer than ever because we actually had time and space to miss each other, plus had some individual experiences which give us something to talk about.

I found the best explanation for it in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by Dr. John Gray (an oldie, but a goodie). The chapter is something like "Men are like rubber bands".

There's also the possibility that he is simply being completely honest with you (and quite considerate, IMHO).

Good luck understanding your man and why he does what he does. Goodness knows, after 26 years, I still mostly don't have a clue about mine!!

Rae6503

why keep things to yourself and worry when you can talk to me and I can stop the craziness.

This is excellent advice!

SmartFunGorgeous

If he doesn't know how much it upsets you, what can he do about it? You need to talk to him. And you need to listen to him when he finally responds. His reasons are probably just as legit for sleeping apart as yours are for being upset about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with sleeping apart, just like there's nothing wrong with your wanting to sleep together. The point is that if you aren't communicating about it, then nothing will ever be resolved.

(p.s. girlfriends can help answer questions like this too!)

rileysowner

My wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms because of various factors. She has restless legs, snores a bit and is usually cold at night. I am a light sleeper who easily gets too warm and needs the blankets off the bed. We are happily married. Every once in a while we try sleeping together, but usually one of us ends up in the guest room. I would suggest, as others have, that you talk to him about how you feel, and realize he is likely not doing this for anything but the reasons he says he is.