How (not) to give a complement

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  • MissFit0101
    MissFit0101 Posts: 2,382
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    People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.

    Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...

    Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
    I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...

    Maybe overly sensitive people shouldn't be let out of their homes either.... see you are just as "judgemental" as the next person.
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
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    please tell me these are not real responses from real people. Otherwise, disgusting people.

    All were said to me in the last, say, 3 months. The padlock comment just as recently as last Friday. Ridiculous, right??


    I am SO very sorry! I've had the opposite and people always try to tell me they are just being funny, but its not funny to me. I'm sorry I don't weigh what people think I should weigh, but I DO eat. I do NOT need someone to sit on me and force me to eat. I promise. Ick, people disgust me some times. I do want to say congrats to you!
  • 2candoit
    2candoit Posts: 7
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    While there are insensitive clods in the world, there really are socially delayed folks who have no idea how they make people feel.

    If they are important to you and you care that they understand how hard this is, tell the person you appreciate their support, but this is hard.... but if not, just smile and keep walking or maybe have a little fun....

    Example: You've lost a ton of weight...

    Responses: Really? I wonder where I left it?/ Or I wonder where it fell off? / or .... since I joined the roller derby, the weight just keeps coming off/ or Living at the convent has it's perks/ or You must have me confused with someone who looks like me/ or with a solem look on your face... "I am fasting for world peace.... " or, I really don't want to discuss it.

    What ever you decide, keep up the good work. Ultimately, this goal is yours, and you deserve to win it. Don't be discouraged by stupid people. The world has an unlimited supply.
  • MissFit0101
    MissFit0101 Posts: 2,382
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    People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.

    Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...

    Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
    I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...

    PS... nothing in your original post said anything about people saying you were getting big, but quite the opposite, which is what I was speaking towards... you took this in a whole different direction. And again, you can't really relate to what I said because you've apparently struggled with your weight, and I'm saying i haven't. So you can "buy what I'm saying" or not... it doesn't really matter to me either way. But don't say you can relate unless you've been underweight most of your life and can speak from the experience I can. Even when I joined this site, at my heaviest I was still at the heavier end of my healthy weight.
  • jo_marnes
    jo_marnes Posts: 1,601 Member
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    Am I the only one that doesn't agree? LOL

    I wish someone had told me WHEN I was bigger that I needed to lose weight. That I looked awful. That I was unhealthy. Because I was.

    Yes, people can say things that can sound bad, but usually it touches a nerve - that's why you are offended by it. So what if they say you've lost a ton of weight.... you probably have and good on ya!

    I often see obese people and hope that someone close to them has the balls to tell them to get off their *kitten* and do something about it.
  • honu18
    honu18 Posts: 294 Member
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    Yeah. I got the "wow, you have lost a TON of weight, you look great" the other day, coming from my friend who honestly probably put on 30 lbs in the past year. I never thought I was that fat to begin with, because I wasn't really. Just not skinny or healthy. I've probably lost about 20 lbs since they saw me last summer. It felt good that people noticed but at the same time it kind of hurt that they felt I had a ton to lose. I hadn't seen my boyfriend for like a month and started eating better and working out, I had lost 4 lbs and was just tighter and more fit, and he told me a million times I looked great and not that I didn't look great before, but to keep doing what I was doing. It's just so weird because it's nice to hear that people notice but at the same time it's just like makes me think that everyone likes me better now that I'm thinner. And that's sad. But that's our society and it sucks.
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
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    People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.

    Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...

    Yeah see, I'm not buying that...
    I have put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion but never have I thought that telling someone that they were getting "really big" was productive (or kind) conversation. People that don't realize that this is hurtful or offensive should not be let out of their homes. Certainly nothing against your opinion, I know it's just devil's advocate but...

    Maybe overly sensitive people shouldn't be let out of their homes either.... see you are just as "judgemental" as the next person.

    *locks self in house* :tongue: :happy:
  • bry_all01
    bry_all01 Posts: 3,100 Member
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    guys, I'm guilty. I think I said something that I should not have said to my cousin. She got one of the surgeries, and she told me she lost 150 pounds and that she still had close to 100 left before she would go into maintenance mode. I really was trying to be encouraging when I said "wow that's a person!" I guess that makes me a DB :( sorry

    **and by the way I have battled weight issues on and off throughout most of my life, so I really am sensitive to the commentary. I just had one of those moments where my mouth did not filter what my brain told me to say. Should I apologize to my cousin for being insensitive?

    I think like you said, it was a knee-jerk comment, not a jerk comment....If you think it hurt her feelings, I might explain that was definitely not what you meant, but if you gals are close enough that she knows how you think, etc., then it might be ok...just my opinion.
  • summalovaable
    summalovaable Posts: 287 Member
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    People who have never struggled with a weight issue are oblivious. I am saying that as someone who NEVER had a problem with weight until after I had a baby. In fact, I was underweight most of my life. Very skinny, and I am sure I made comments that I never meant to be hurtful but I had never been in your position before so I didn't really see how it would effect you. I'm sure most people don't say things to be mean or hurt your feelings. Most people just honestly don't realize what they're saying or how it will affect you. Not to excuse their behavior, but please realize that people aren't out to hurt you.

    Now I understand so much more than I did before, because now I've walked a mile in those shoes...

    I actually completely agree. Through personal experiences when it comes to "weight loss" its a free for all on comments. And unless you've struggled with weight you cant REALLY know how it affects someone. But I actually take the fact that people are noticing as a compliment, I mean sure it wasn't said the BEST way possible, but a compliments and compliment right? There's no need to take things to gosh darn seriously! Plus its what people ARENT saying that should worry you! (greatest lesson learned haha)

    I think i actually get more offended if someone DOESNT notice my weight loss then if i get a "you've become so pretty..."

    Just my opinion though :)
  • emma44ny
    emma44ny Posts: 141 Member
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    OMG I never post stuff and now I remember why...

    My point to this post was just to say that complements can be given without being obnoxious or hurtful.
    Additionally, I just want to say that when people are over weight they probably don't really need it pointed out for them. Chances are they are aware they are over weight and are dealing/ struggling with it. Furthermore, If they don't care about getting themselves healthy, why should you? Especially if this is not a conversation being had with immediate family...

    Just be nice. That's all.
  • emma44ny
    emma44ny Posts: 141 Member
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    [/quote]I actually completely agree. Through personal experiences when it comes to "weight loss" its a free for all on comments. And unless you've struggled with weight you cant REALLY know how it affects someone. But I actually take the fact that people are noticing as a compliment, I mean sure it wasn't said the BEST way possible, but a compliments and compliment right? There's no need to take things to gosh darn seriously! Plus its what people ARENT saying that should worry you! (greatest lesson learned haha)

    I think i actually get more offended if someone DOESNT notice my weight loss then if i get a "you've become so pretty..."

    Just my opinion though :)
    [/quote]

    Truthfully I just wish they wouldn't say anything at all! Lol!
  • jon_brady
    jon_brady Posts: 46 Member
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    Here's a good one for you I went away for 8 weeks to a fitness camp lost 54lbs and the first thing my mom said to me when she saw me was "You've got boobs"
  • cici1028
    cici1028 Posts: 799 Member
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    MissFit101 - must be VERY difficult to relate... so just to be clear, you've never really been overweight? You mentioned that in every post... we get it. You weren't ever "fat". So I'm guessing you weren't really getting these comments to start with.

    Some people who make insensitive comments definitely just put a foot in the mouth and make a mistake. I've done it, we all have. Personally, I feel flattered by compliments. It is the backhanded ones that need addressing. Some people make those comments to make themselves feel better or to make others feel worse.
  • ninjakitty419
    ninjakitty419 Posts: 349 Member
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    My husband will tell me "You have such a pretty face." I wish he could say I have pretty other things, too, but I guess that will come soon (I hope!)
  • katkins3
    katkins3 Posts: 1,360 Member
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    My husband lost around 80 pounds and his co-works actually asked him if he has AIDS!
  • cici1028
    cici1028 Posts: 799 Member
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    It will! :) Good job and keep going!
  • PalmettoparkGuy
    PalmettoparkGuy Posts: 212 Member
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    You think those are bad?
    Since I'm a gay dude, I've had several people ask me if I'm sick, or if I'm losing weight by choice!
  • mamacremers
    mamacremers Posts: 183 Member
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    Today I had one, similar to the others. the girl (and I think she's lost and gained like 50 pounds) said: "You look great, haven't you lost like 100 pounds!?" I smiled and said "No, just 55"

    while silently to myself thinking, If I lost 100 pounds, I'd be 100 pounds! I would be considered dangerously underweight!
  • losing_4_life
    losing_4_life Posts: 21 Member
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    I was told just the other day, you're going to be so beautiful when you lose all your weight!! WHAT?? OOOOKKKAAAYYYY.

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