Venting- forget you..so I can forgive you

SuperMoniMonk

I consider myself to be a happy , outgoing , laid-back kinda person, I'm aware that resenment and hatred of others is venom that slowly sucks the life out of us , that is the reason why I get fustrated that there is one person that I can't stand !

We use to be friends until I began to noticed she was not sincere and manipulated me , . To make the story short ..I decided to distant myself from her . We see each other at church and throughout the week on similar activities, She is supposed to be my mentor but there is no trust between us . She has never asked me why I stopped talking to her , we just go along pretending the friction is not there. Deep inside we know that we are hypocrites...and I don't like being one.

If I could give myself advise , I would say " Just talk to her and sort it out , tell her how you feel and it will workout " Unfortunaly I know that if I was to do that, it would just open up a whole can of worms- that will be too painful for me in the end. There a things that are better off not being said.

Time and time again, I tell myself that I need to let go of whatever it is i feel againts her. It does not do me any good. I have decided to stop going to certain meetings where we are side by side because i think that maybe if I just avoid her eventually I will get over it , When we are in the same room ..she usually says or does something that just upsets me even more and I'm back to square one .

I'm not proud of this behaviour , It sounds immature as I type it but it's the truth. I then tell myself that i will deal with this head on, and try to get along and forgive and forget but again my emotions take over and begin to think ..I first need to forget this girl in order to forgive her . I'd like to think I have forgiving her but my attitute towards her shows the opposite. I want to get these awful feelings out of my heart and move on , but I don't think I will be able to until I no longer see her:ohwell:

mandygal13

Tough spot you're in. Hard to avoid some people even when we want to. Sometimes, you have to look at someone and realize that they are God's creations, just like you are (I am--I'm speaking to myself here, too), and that He loves them. Maybe the time away will help. And maybe you eventually realize that you do have to sit down and talk it out. Either way, draw on His strength, mercy and love. Psalm 121

wjewell

You're human : ) It's naturally to feel that way, dealing with it is what counts. You have to deal with it in your own way and if talking to her isn't your way then thats fine : )

abalicious

I think a lot of people will respond and say that you need to talk to her and let your feelings out etc., but honestly this sounds like a relationship where some things are better left unsaid. I know this is different, but sometimes with my boyfriend I don't say certain things to him just because it would cause even more friction and problems. I would honestly just straight up be like, "I don't think our relationship is good" and stop talking to her. The relationship would be healthier if it didn't exist!

amymeenieminymo

I feel you....my husband's cousin (my cousin now too I guess, ugh) and I used to be really good friends, in fact she is how I met my husband. Once he and I were together though she changed, she seemed jealous or something, we had a big blow up, didn't speak for months, then one day started talking again. Things were ok, but that resentment was still there because nothing ever really got resolved.

Things were shakey for a few years but we were still friends, though the resentment was still there. Long story short, she was supposed to be my bridesmaid but we had another huge blow up, she stepped down from the wedding. We still invited her of course, but her and her family (brother and parents) boycotted our wedding, and then when she got married 7 months later she invited everyone except my husband and I. Luckily I have not had to see her as my mother-in-law is currently not getting along with her sister (the cousin's mother), but it seemed every few weeks new drama would come up so it was hard to get over. I was very hurt by her and her whole family and they went out of their way to hurt us when we were just trying to be civil.

Finally her wedding day came....I thought about it all day, still fuming with anger....but now that the wedding is past about 90% of that has lifted. I am still very angry at her and while she is now my family, she and I will never be freinds again. But now that the drama is over I have been able to move past it to the point I don't dwell on it all the time.

So I agree, you need to take yourself out of the position of seeing her all the time as it will just keep fueling how you feel. Give yourself some space to get over things and you'll probably feel a lot better.

muth3rluvx2

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and what I see here is that some time and distance is needed and once that is TRULY achieved (not just socially), then an opportunity will come up where the two of you can talk honestly. Doesn't mean it'll be any easier... but the door will be open. What I think you're sensing is her unwillingness to have that convesation. That will probably change eventually.

Until then, do your best to make peace with teh situation as it stands right now. Things are going how they're supposed to with this person and figure otu what it is you have to learn from the situation.

lmarshel

I have finally reached the point in life where I surround myself only with people who are positive and make my life more positive. If that means I have only a very few close friends, so be it. I can't continue to waste time worried about what other people think about me or my actions. I am accountable to myself and my loved ones ONLY. Do what you need to do to heal yourself and then move on. IMHO - confrontation in this case would not be a good idea.

katema62

HI

I feel for you ...I maybe a lot older than you and one thing I have discovered is life is TOO short. After I was laid off...I also decided to clean house....and soul. I let go of friends and relationships that were one-sided, manipulative and toxic. You learn later on in life so called friends can suck the living life out of you and No Matter what you give you will Never receive the same back. You can't fix them by hoping they change.

I try to practice buddism in all aspects of my life and I realize you don't have to have a knock down drag out discussion...just let it go and respect your friend but leave it at that. You can only control your reaction not hers..and sometimes toxic personalities create conflict to create a reaction from you. If you continue to get into situations where resent builds you may have to keep suppressing the anger she seems to have caused you. , I always wish those friends well and give a friendly hello but I could not be sucked in again because I was not responsible for their manipulative behavior just how I reacted to it.

My life is simplier and now I'm surrounded by healthy happy two sided relationships---it's good to re-evaluate friendships once in awhile.
Good luck!!

SuperMoniMonk

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and what I see here is that some time and distance is needed and once that is TRULY achieved (not just socially), then an opportunity will come up where the two of you can talk honestly. Doesn't mean it'll be any easier... but the door will be open. What I think you're sensing is her unwillingness to have that convesation. That will probably change eventually.

Until then, do your best to make peace with teh situation as it stands right now. Things are going how they're supposed to with this person and figure otu what it is you have to learn from the situation.

Aha! I think that is what bothers me , her unwillingness to acknowledge the harm done. I do have to find peace..I'd like to think that deep inside she is sorry but I can only control me. I have learned that if she manipulated me it's coz I let her. I for myself need to stand up for me and saying no is ok.



Thank you all for your replies, I was caught up in the dilema of taking a time out or just keep trying. Thank you.