Recovering Addicts Help

boomboom011

So a friend of mine's daughter has been living here with a mutual friend while she goes to school and basically her parents are losers and the mutual friend has pretty much been taking care of her since she was 16.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that said girl (now 19 years old) may or may not be doing drugs. I love this girl to pieces and though she has some serious issues (daddy issues, bio mom left her etc etc) I just have a hard time believing this could happen.

However, none of the stories that are being told to me are adding up. I cant believe anyone and before I blow the whistle i would like to do the right thing. The mutual friend we will call Lulu (for her own privacy) is in NY with her sick sister and this is just something she cant deal with right this moment and i prefer to wait until she gets home this weekend.

I have no idea what im doing so if anyone has any advice on how to handle this please please please give me some input. My gut is telling me something is up. Just for the simple fact that she is lying about a few things that have happened within the past 24 hours. Big deals in my book.
Feel free to ask questions and Im not talking to her parents. They suck. But the mutual friend and her husband really love this girl and so do we all. I dont want to see her ruin her life and be just like her parents.

FearAnLoathing

Im a former drug user,but im not sure what you want to know.If shes lying about stuff that could mean drugs or a million other things.How is she acting is she not sleeping then crashing like the dead is she cranky,lots of mood swings?Not eating these can all be signs of drug use.

edit my drugs of choice were meth and lsd but ive tried just about everything i just know more about the first two

boomboom011

Just basically how to handle dealing with this. I guess im worried im jumping to conclusions but I think there is some truth to this. I have noticed she has lost some weight but i dont want to do or say the wrong things. i dont want to make the situtation any worse.

I guess I also want to know what you all think. Am I jumping the gun? Would you do the same thing? I dont know.

janiecorona

Go with your gut. But if she is an addict, she will deny, deny, deny. Then turn angry at you or come up with something to try and get the attention off herself. It's sad that she has had those issues but definitely get her help and get her the right kind of help before it is too late! My daughter's dad is an addict. He went into rehab last September and was there for 8 months, when all of a sudden he left the rehab and then ended up in jail, where he currently is, in less than a week. Hopefully, it turns out better for you and that poor girl than it did with me and my daughter's dad. But definitely do something if you think something is up, it's better to be safe than sorry.

JDMPWR

I would tell you to act but with out really knowing what you are seeing I can't say a thing.

crobinson53

The "girl" is actually an adult.

She won't get help until she makes up her own mind to get help.

This sometimes means hitting rock bottom. Losing everything.

Addicts are notorious for not listening or running away after an intervention.

Depending on her relationship with her "adoptive parents" I would hope they would sit down with her face to face and confront her with their concerns. Maybe she'll listen and get medical attention/therapy.

Watch. Wait. Don't enable. Show love and encouragement. Offer assistance in finding help for her and then see what she does.

Pinkmaddycat

honesty is best policy.....ask her out right. tell her what your concerns are and give her the chance to explain her self. if she is doing stuff she shouldnt she might be relieved to have been found out....if this is the case do not get angry with her, support her and help make the changes she needs.

if she gets angry that youve asked tell her that you understand that she is mad that youve questioned her but you just wanted to be open with her about your feelings and that you are sorry but her welfare is your number one priority and if she explain her behaviour then this issue can be resolved with no backlash.

Either way make sure you do not get angry and be supportive but be prepared for her to be upset that you have asked or that you have found her out.

i wish you the best of luck.

skinnyhappy

The best you can do is call her up for coffee or dinner, just see how she's been doing lately and remind her you're always there for her. Addicts have to want to change before they'll seek real help. Accusations will NOT help. Just lovingly let her know you're around. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is enough to incite change. GOOD LUCK!

boomboom011

she is so naive and wants people to like her and wants attention so bad. Its sad. I have tried to be a good influence around her and so have all the other "moms" in the hood. She is like one of our own.

I think she does respect me. She is just confused. Im going to go with my gut on this one and if she were MY daughter what I would want my friends to say to me. THE TRUTH.

I asked her if she would object to a drug test and she said no but doesnt coke get out of your system really fast? All i know about is weed. All that other stuff is foreign to me and scary.

FearAnLoathing

Yeah if shes an addict or using she will deny,if something seems funny then it probobly is.There is obviously something going on with her even if its not drugs.If I were you I probobly would bring it up to you're friend that way she can maybe get to the bottom of whats going on with this girl before she gets to far into anything.If she is on drugs its best to try and do something about it early on because you have a better chance of helping then

fionarama

You can try to help addicts but the main thing is there isn't a thing you can do about it, unfortunately some people choose that path and its what they want to do and once they go down it there is nothing you can do to stop them, all you can do is avoid enabling them at all.
I guess with Amy Winehouse there is a great opportunity to discuss the topic in general and see what she thinks about it all.
Might at least open her up without her feeling threatened or attacked in any way.

hikeout470

What kind of things are you noticing? What kind of lies? I had to kick out a former roommate for using, but his behaviour was obvious, acting high every night, passing out an all areas of the house, breaking things, etc.

How about you ask her straight to her face and see what her reaction is.. If she gazes lower left, that is a sign of lying.

FearAnLoathing

she is so naive and wants people to like her and wants attention so bad. Its sad. I have tried to be a good influence around her and so have all the other "moms" in the hood. She is like one of our own.

I think she does respect me. She is just confused. Im going to go with my gut on this one and if she were MY daughter what I would want my friends to say to me. THE TRUTH.

I asked her if she would object to a drug test and she said no but doesnt coke get out of your system really fast? All i know about is weed. All that other stuff is foreign to me and scary.

im not sure how long coke stays in your system,meth is 3 days I think and im not sure about the others.But drug tests are very easy to cheat ive done it before for jobs..I would say if you give her a drug test try to be in the bathroom with her because its much harder to beat a drug test when someone is in there with you

boomboom011

She actually has a pretty good relationship with "adoptive parents" cause they treat her with respect and are good to her. She really loves them.

I have already confronted her. She said she isnt but her stories arent adding up. I told her we would talk later. I did tell her that I will go to bat for her any day but that if she is lying to me we have a problem. Im not here to hurt im here to help and so are all these other people around her.

She has a great support system. She is more than likely just gotten in over her head trying to be cool and have people like her.

jarrettd

Mother of an addict weighing in here. Lies aren't the only sign, but you're right to be suspicious. My daughter was using drugs for a while before I was sure of it and intervened. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. I wish I had moved on my suspicions sooner rather than waiting on "proof". I was too late to keep her from wrecking her life. She is in prison; my husband and I adopted her daughters to keep them from going to strangers.

Stay watchful. Be ready to speak if you feel you need to. Unfortunately, intervening does not always alter the outcome. Addicts usually do what they want to, regardless of the damage it does to themselves or those around them. They don't stop until and unless they decide to, no matter what you do.

Sorry you are stuck in this situation. Best of luck to you.

jarrettd

she is so naive and wants people to like her and wants attention so bad. Its sad. I have tried to be a good influence around her and so have all the other "moms" in the hood. She is like one of our own.

I think she does respect me. She is just confused. Im going to go with my gut on this one and if she were MY daughter what I would want my friends to say to me. THE TRUTH.

I asked her if she would object to a drug test and she said no but doesnt coke get out of your system really fast? All i know about is weed. All that other stuff is foreign to me and scary.

im not sure how long coke stays in your system,meth is 3 days I think and im not sure about the others.But drug tests are very easy to cheat ive done it before for jobs..I would say if you give her a drug test try to be in the bathroom with her because its much harder to beat a drug test when someone is in there with you

My daughter learned a trick called "suitcasing". Hands-free is the only way to make sure it's not being faked.

FearAnLoathing

she is so naive and wants people to like her and wants attention so bad. Its sad. I have tried to be a good influence around her and so have all the other "moms" in the hood. She is like one of our own.

I think she does respect me. She is just confused. Im going to go with my gut on this one and if she were MY daughter what I would want my friends to say to me. THE TRUTH.

I asked her if she would object to a drug test and she said no but doesnt coke get out of your system really fast? All i know about is weed. All that other stuff is foreign to me and scary.

im not sure how long coke stays in your system,meth is 3 days I think and im not sure about the others.But drug tests are very easy to cheat ive done it before for jobs..I would say if you give her a drug test try to be in the bathroom with her because its much harder to beat a drug test when someone is in there with you

My daughter learned a trick called "suitcasing". Hands-free is the only way to make sure it's not being faked.

im not sure if its the same thing I would do since ive never heard that term,but basicly if you are going for a drug test for a job they can not go in the bathroom with you so thats all i needed.

anubis609

Express to her that there is a concern with her recent behavioral pattern of lying and such. Addicts use drugs to cope with life details that they're not psychologically equipped to handle. As a recovering addict from meth, lying and loopholes were my specialty. I won't speculate on the idea that she may or may not be on drugs because I don't know the situation. Nor, do I really want to. In general, bringing it up with a firm concern for her well-being and the possible effects she may be causing onto the relationship of the household may put her actions that she may, or may not, be aware of, into perspective.

Blatantly accusing her will only result in a negative reaction, as no one likes to be accused of anything, regardless if they're guilty of it or not. But as stated, do not enable her needs to lash out or if she happens to act out, then as an adult, those are her decisions to act that way.

Every addict wishes deep down that they could solve whatever problem got them started in the first place. Addicts are people as well, so she may just be having problems with personal parts of her life that she may not be divulging. It's up to you to open up a meaningful line of communication as best you can. If it doesn't happen, then don't force it.

I wish you luck with this.

millymoozie

difficult to say being an outsider ,,all i can tell you is to never give her a reason to say your just like the others ,,understanding & love & space is what is required or else you have the danger of pushing her away ,which is when things get from bad to worse ,,talk if she wants to ,,drop hints that you think something is up & that you are there for here & whatever your feelings are about drugs never lose your temper with anything she may or not be doing ,,its still her if she is & depending on what drug & how much they use etc etc ,,its not allways a major issue ,,of course it can turn into an addiction ,get heavy & ruin peoples lives ,,but also hang on to the fact that some people use drugs for recreational use & however disgusting & bizzare that may sound to some people ,,there are also people that use for this reason & its not a problem doesnt affect their lives & they can come out of it quite happily in the future ,,,so my advice is try & delve as much as you can ,but do not invade & just be there as you allready are & dont push things to try & get answers or to end the problem ,,if she is these things have a tendancy to come out in the end ,,just all of you keep your eyes & ears open & watch for the signs of problems & just be there if this should occur
i must add though things are different for different people & the advice you get here will be tailored either from people's feelings on how you should deal with drugs & also personal experiences ,,what is right for one is not right for all
you sound like a good man & im sure you will act accordingly & you will do good regardless of what you do end up doing x

boomboom011

difficult to say being an outsider ,,all i can tell you is to never give her a reason to say your just like the others ,,understanding & love & space is what is required or else you have the danger of pushing her away ,which is when things get from bad to worse ,,talk if she wants to ,,drop hints that you think something is up & that you are there for here & whatever your feelings are about drugs never lose your temper with anything she may or not be doing ,,its still her if she is & depending on what drug & how much they use etc etc ,,its not allways a major issue ,,of course it can turn into an addiction ,get heavy & ruin peoples lives ,,but also hang on to the fact that some people use drugs for recreational use & however disgusting & bizzare that may sound to some people ,,there are also people that use for this reason & its not a problem doesnt affect their lives & they can come out of it quite happily in the future ,,,so my advice is try & delve as much as you can ,but do not invade & just be there as you allready are & dont push things to try & get answers or to end the problem ,,if she is these things have a tendancy to come out in the end ,,just all of you keep your eyes & ears open & watch for the signs of problems & just be there if this should occur
i must add though things are different for different people & the advice you get here will be tailored either from people's feelings on how you should deal with drugs & also personal experiences ,,what is right for one is not right for all
you sound like a good man & im sure you will act accordingly & you will do good regardless of what you do end up doing x

thank you.
p.s. im a woman lol thats my hubby in the pic! lol

millymoozie

quick read of some of these posts ,,eyes going to left if she is lying ,,going to bathroom to do a drug test ,,,jeez he wants to help not push her away ,,i would strongly in my personal experience & opinion ,,not go by the signs you think are due to lying & no no no to a drug test ,,think you will lose all respect from her like that ,,,yes addicts lie of course they do ,,but the non addict recreational users also lie to some people as its a private thing they do with a circle of friends & its not a problem for them we all have our things we do that we would not want some people to know ,,i dont want to go into my experience in this atall ,,but i know both end of the scales with this & your stuck in a situation here & i really think the only way forward is to watch & see what happens ,,she is an adult ,,allow her the time & space in her life to learn by herself ,it maybe all she is doing is recreational occasional use ,,but if its not & its a serious problem ,,things will break down in her life & go horribly wrong thats when you maybe have a decision to make & for anyone that says why wait till it gets that bad ,,because it doesnt allways get that bad & if you push it & push them away ,you may actually be pushing them into taking it further & into an addiction

millymoozie

difficult to say being an outsider ,,all i can tell you is to never give her a reason to say your just like the others ,,understanding & love & space is what is required or else you have the danger of pushing her away ,which is when things get from bad to worse ,,talk if she wants to ,,drop hints that you think something is up & that you are there for here & whatever your feelings are about drugs never lose your temper with anything she may or not be doing ,,its still her if she is & depending on what drug & how much they use etc etc ,,its not allways a major issue ,,of course it can turn into an addiction ,get heavy & ruin peoples lives ,,but also hang on to the fact that some people use drugs for recreational use & however disgusting & bizzare that may sound to some people ,,there are also people that use for this reason & its not a problem doesnt affect their lives & they can come out of it quite happily in the future ,,,so my advice is try & delve as much as you can ,but do not invade & just be there as you allready are & dont push things to try & get answers or to end the problem ,,if she is these things have a tendancy to come out in the end ,,just all of you keep your eyes & ears open & watch for the signs of problems & just be there if this should occur
i must add though things are different for different people & the advice you get here will be tailored either from people's feelings on how you should deal with drugs & also personal experiences ,,what is right for one is not right for all
you sound like a good man & im sure you will act accordingly & you will do good regardless of what you do end up doing x

thank you.
p.s. im a woman lol thats my hubby in the pic! lol

ooops ok assumed you were him ,,but hello to you & your welcome ,,hope my input helps a little with your decision

boomboom011

difficult to say being an outsider ,,all i can tell you is to never give her a reason to say your just like the others ,,understanding & love & space is what is required or else you have the danger of pushing her away ,which is when things get from bad to worse ,,talk if she wants to ,,drop hints that you think something is up & that you are there for here & whatever your feelings are about drugs never lose your temper with anything she may or not be doing ,,its still her if she is & depending on what drug & how much they use etc etc ,,its not allways a major issue ,,of course it can turn into an addiction ,get heavy & ruin peoples lives ,,but also hang on to the fact that some people use drugs for recreational use & however disgusting & bizzare that may sound to some people ,,there are also people that use for this reason & its not a problem doesnt affect their lives & they can come out of it quite happily in the future ,,,so my advice is try & delve as much as you can ,but do not invade & just be there as you allready are & dont push things to try & get answers or to end the problem ,,if she is these things have a tendancy to come out in the end ,,just all of you keep your eyes & ears open & watch for the signs of problems & just be there if this should occur
i must add though things are different for different people & the advice you get here will be tailored either from people's feelings on how you should deal with drugs & also personal experiences ,,what is right for one is not right for all
you sound like a good man & im sure you will act accordingly & you will do good regardless of what you do end up doing x

thank you.
p.s. im a woman lol thats my hubby in the pic! lol

ooops ok assumed you were him ,,but hello to you & your welcome ,,hope my input helps a little with your decision

its ok lol
and i do appreciate what you are saying. She knows we love her and would do anything. I tell her all the time even before all this that people that have nothing to hide, hide nothing and that if she is always honest and up front with us we can help her even if she gets into trouble. Her adoptive mother will be more compassionate than I am. I am so bugged right now cause I dont understand addiction. I dont want to get into all that but her adoptive mother is in the medical field and understands the techinical parts of it. I just want her to stop and dont do it again. i know that sounds harsh but thats me. We will all be there for her. However I know that how i react can make or break the situation. So thats why im asking for yalls input.

FearAnLoathing

quick read of some of these posts ,,eyes going to left if she is lying ,,going to bathroom to do a drug test ,,,jeez he wants to help not push her away ,,i would strongly in my personal experience & opinion ,,not go by the signs you think are due to lying & no no no to a drug test ,,think you will lose all respect from her like that ,,,yes addicts lie of course they do ,,but the non addict recreational users also lie to some people as its a private thing they do with a circle of friends & its not a problem for them we all have our things we do that we would not want some people to know ,,i dont want to go into my experience in this atall ,,but i know both end of the scales with this & your stuck in a situation here & i really think the only way forward is to watch & see what happens ,,she is an adult ,,allow her the time & space in her life to learn by herself ,it maybe all she is doing is recreational occasional use ,,but if its not & its a serious problem ,,things will break down in her life & go horribly wrong thats when you maybe have a decision to make & for anyone that says why wait till it gets that bad ,,because it doesnt allways get that bad & if you push it & push them away ,you may actually be pushing them into taking it further & into an addiction

MY point was if she were to give her a drug test she should be there when she takes it otherwise dont bother,but the drug test was never my idea.And im sorry but if this was my kid or someone I care about I wouldnt want to wait till their life fell apart or the ended up dead to try and help.My parents took that approach and I went from being a recrational user to a everyday user which is what happens to almost ALL users of anything stronger than pot

TTops76

100 % agree with Fear and Loathing, former meth addict of 10 yrs clean 2. This is going to be really hard for the both of you. I lied to my family for yrs and probably wouldn't have come clean till I was arrested and incarcerated. If it is meth get ready for a tough tough road. It is by far the most addictive drug there is and its use is spreading like wildfire. Unfortunately until she is ready to be honest about it there is little in my opinion that can be done. I'm sorry you and your family are going throuh this. No matter what continue to love her,

millymoozie

quick read of some of these posts ,,eyes going to left if she is lying ,,going to bathroom to do a drug test ,,,jeez he wants to help not push her away ,,i would strongly in my personal experience & opinion ,,not go by the signs you think are due to lying & no no no to a drug test ,,think you will lose all respect from her like that ,,,yes addicts lie of course they do ,,but the non addict recreational users also lie to some people as its a private thing they do with a circle of friends & its not a problem for them we all have our things we do that we would not want some people to know ,,i dont want to go into my experience in this atall ,,but i know both end of the scales with this & your stuck in a situation here & i really think the only way forward is to watch & see what happens ,,she is an adult ,,allow her the time & space in her life to learn by herself ,it maybe all she is doing is recreational occasional use ,,but if its not & its a serious problem ,,things will break down in her life & go horribly wrong thats when you maybe have a decision to make & for anyone that says why wait till it gets that bad ,,because it doesnt allways get that bad & if you push it & push them away ,you may actually be pushing them into taking it further & into an addiction

MY point was if she were to give her a drug test she should be there when she takes it otherwise dont bother,but the drug test was never my idea.And im sorry but if this was my kid or someone I care about I wouldnt want to wait till their life fell apart or the ended up dead to try and help.My parents took that approach and I went from being a recrational user to a everyday user which is what happens to almost ALL users of anything stronger than pot

my apologies misread it ,,,,im sorry youve had a rough time ,,hope all ok in your life now ,,,i have experience with both sides & know for sure there are a big percentage that use & come out of it & i defo dont think that anything above weed & your in trouble ,,,maybe a different generation to mine & a different story with how things are now ,,& of course a different country ,,things can vary so much ,,, this is the thing with something like this ,,which i tried to get across that everyone has there own take on drugs & i dont think there is a right or wrong way to do or deal with it ,but hearing from all sides is crucial in understanding & getting information ,,sorry if i upset you ,,my fault for not reading properly ,,please dont take heart with it ,i had no bad intentions xx

FearAnLoathing

quick read of some of these posts ,,eyes going to left if she is lying ,,going to bathroom to do a drug test ,,,jeez he wants to help not push her away ,,i would strongly in my personal experience & opinion ,,not go by the signs you think are due to lying & no no no to a drug test ,,think you will lose all respect from her like that ,,,yes addicts lie of course they do ,,but the non addict recreational users also lie to some people as its a private thing they do with a circle of friends & its not a problem for them we all have our things we do that we would not want some people to know ,,i dont want to go into my experience in this atall ,,but i know both end of the scales with this & your stuck in a situation here & i really think the only way forward is to watch & see what happens ,,she is an adult ,,allow her the time & space in her life to learn by herself ,it maybe all she is doing is recreational occasional use ,,but if its not & its a serious problem ,,things will break down in her life & go horribly wrong thats when you maybe have a decision to make & for anyone that says why wait till it gets that bad ,,because it doesnt allways get that bad & if you push it & push them away ,you may actually be pushing them into taking it further & into an addiction

MY point was if she were to give her a drug test she should be there when she takes it otherwise dont bother,but the drug test was never my idea.And im sorry but if this was my kid or someone I care about I wouldnt want to wait till their life fell apart or the ended up dead to try and help.My parents took that approach and I went from being a recrational user to a everyday user which is what happens to almost ALL users of anything stronger than pot

my apologies misread it ,,,,im sorry youve had a rough time ,,hope all ok in your life now ,,,i have experience with both sides & know for sure there are a big percentage that use & come out of it & i defo dont think that anything above weed & your in trouble ,,,maybe a different generation to mine & a different story with how things are now ,,& of course a different country ,,things can vary so much ,,, this is the thing with something like this ,,which i tried to get across that everyone has there own take on drugs & i dont think there is a right or wrong way to do or deal with it ,but hearing from all sides is crucial in understanding & getting information ,,sorry if i upset you ,,my fault for not reading properly ,,please dont take heart with it ,i had no bad intentions xx

No worries and yes you're right there is no right or wrong way and it is a very slippery slope.

boomboom011

its coke and my "informant" called and said that she said its been a week since her last use.

She has some issues that need to be dealt with regardless if drugs are involved or not. Im going to have a talk with her and tell her that we care about her and we dont want to see her throw everything away. Cause if this is what she is going to chose to do then thats whats going to happen. Right now she is being given awesome support from my friends. They love her dearly. Its just a big deal and it has to be dealt with especially now that I know. As a parent i would want to know ASAP.

I will see her within the next couple of days and Im going to tell her that she needs to tell my friend and her husband what has been going on or I will and it will go over better if she comes clean and asks for help if she truly wants it. I dont like not telling my friends. I feel like im betraying them by having this information and not saying anything but my friend is in NY with her sister right now. She had to have a double mastectomy. She has enough to deal with at the moment. Im going to give her until Monday (my friend comes home saturday). Is that fair or is that stupid? I really appreciate yalls comments. Its helping me see a different perspective. Right now I want to go grab her and shake her! but its a bigger deal than that ya know?

FearAnLoathing

its coke and my "informant" called and said that she said its been a week since her last use.

She has some issues that need to be dealt with regardless if drugs are involved or not. Im going to have a talk with her and tell her that we care about her and we dont want to see her throw everything away. Cause if this is what she is going to chose to do then thats whats going to happen. Right now she is being given awesome support from my friends. They love her dearly. Its just a big deal and it has to be dealt with especially now that I know. As a parent i would want to know ASAP.

I will see her within the next couple of days and Im going to tell her that she needs to tell my friend and her husband what has been going on or I will and it will go over better if she comes clean and asks for help if she truly wants it. I dont like not telling my friends. I feel like im betraying them by having this information and not saying anything but my friend is in NY with her sister right now. She had to have a double mastectomy. She has enough to deal with at the moment. Im going to give her until Monday (my friend comes home saturday). Is that fair or is that stupid? I really appreciate yalls comments. Its helping me see a different perspective. Right now I want to go grab her and shake her! but its a bigger deal than that ya know?

I think this sounds like a good idea.I think its good to talk to her first before you talk to your friend,but definatly let youre friend know

_beachgirl_

Always trust your gut! What is the worst that can happen if you're wrong? You can show her you care about her well being enough to want to help her? Oh no! What if you don't do anything and your gut reaction was right?

I lived with an addict for over 18 years, and my gut was right about 95% of the time.

boomboom011

Always trust your gut! What is the worst that can happen if you're wrong? You can show her you care about her well being enough to want to help her? Oh no! What if you don't do anything and your gut reaction was right?

I lived with an addict for over 18 years, and my gut was right about 95% of the time.

my gut is usually right! im going with it.