The (Ex)Husband Who Just Can't Do It.

BamaMomma

My husband and I were married November 22, 2008.

We have been having major problems recently. I'm talking BIG problems. Problems with his domestic violence. Problems with his drinking. Problems with his anger.

On the phone, he threatened to kill me in front of the police. A restraining order was placed. He hired a lawyer to keep him out of jail. He cut off my phone, cut off my finances (I have a little boy, he's almost 2), cut off my internet, cut my gym membership, everything. He was angry and I knew it.

I wasn't going to stand for that mess. I'm not going to let someone belittle me, push me around, threaten me, insult me, whatever. So I moved back to where my family is (Mobile, AL) until my husband's grandpa died. I was very close to him so I came back for the funeral, where my husband was. We reconnected on another level, but I realize now that it was because we were blinded with grief.

He was so sweet and kind to me that weekend. So I dropped the domestic violence charges. I moved back. I figured we could maybe try to work it out. After all, there was a bit of love for him left in me. Why not try to rekindle it? So we talked. We set some boundaries. He promised (in tears and all) that he would get help. He would cut back with his drinking and he'd seek anger management and when he got home from his training, together we'd go see a marriage counselor.

I was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder. It took a while to get diagnosed but once I did and I got on medicine, I seemed to be more normal. I went to counseling, too. I will never say I never did anything in my marriage, but I can say most of my behavior is a reaction to HIS behavior. I always feel like I have to be in defense mode, and I shouldn't have to feel like that.

What was I thinking to ask him to cut back his drinking?? That's who he is and if I have learned anything, it's that you cannot change someone. They are going to have to make that decision on their own. I guess I can just hope. He has been so sweet with his words lately, both on the phone and with text messages. I thought he really meant it.

But tonight he calls me, drunk. Very drunk. Very angry. For no reason at all. He's being manipulative and just plain MEAN. He's calling me names, insulting me, blaming me for anything and everything. I have just realized that this man isn't going to change. No matter what he's said that was so nice, I know now it's part of his game. I think I'm a good person. A fun, lovable, sweet, and caring person and I do not deserve this. I apologize for all those who won't agree with me, but I'm not looking for anyone to agree with me.

I just want people to know the second that I realized that he isn't my happily ever after; he's my happily NEVER after.

I don't mind personal messages if you want to know more details. This post is very general. Thanks all.

Section117_Zolos

I know you don't know me, but I was once a victim of domestic violence to. You deserve so much more than that and I understand where you are coming from. I once thought as you had about my ex. I think you are very strong person and I wish you all the best. I'm happy to talk further with you Though if you like.

1horsetown

And your child doesn't need to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is normal and acceptable.

Time to take care of YOU.

Sumijain

It takes strength to come to conclusions like this. You're right, you cannot change him, you can only change what you do. It sounds like you know what the next step should be. You can do it ... you're strong.

TruckerChick

I have been where you find yourself. I was married to a man for 9 years who is an alcoholic. For a long time, I chose to live with his disease. For a little while, he chose to work with me on our marriage. Then something in him snapped. And we were no longer working together. And his anger became a huge issue. He was never physically abusive, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive. But it took him threatening to kill my first born son (not his) and my son running away for me to see that I had to get out of there. I left that day.

I hope you know that you are not alone. There are many more of us out there.
Getting away from him is the best thing you will ever do for you and your son!!

ladybug11

The most important thing in this whole matter is your child. I'm not trying to meddle in your business, but it sounds like you made the right choice to begin with when you walked away. Your child should not be exposed to any more of this violence. I also have a two-year old son and I have been chastised for protecting him from a few family members with serious mental issues. That is my job as a mother, and I don't want to fail him. You sound like you gave it your best shot, and I don't want to read about you in the news - another victim of domestic violence who stuck around one day too long. I wish the best for you and your child and sincerely hope you can escape this situation unharmed.

laureneva15

And your child doesn't need to grow up thinking that kind of behavior is normal and acceptable.

Time to take care of YOU.

^THIS
If not doing it for yourself, then do it for your child, there is nothing more important than that.
Glad you are realised, and made the right choice, not only for your child but also for yourself.
I hope you do find that happily ever after

MelissaE27

I have been where you are and I had 3 small children at the time.. I thought well as long as he never hurts the kids.. well one night he came home drunk and he was so mad and so angry at the world so before I knew it he had me on the ground pounding my face.. well my son (he was 5 at the time) walked in and he just started screaming dont hurt my mommy.. that was it for me... I had already taken him back twice because he said he would change...

Im sorry but its not worth you life or your childs... Move forward.. and find yourself.. and be healthy.. I wont lie it takes time to heal..
but you have take care of you and your son.. Thats NUMBER 1...

theaterfan23

Time to take care of you and your son! You can do it!!

thefishers4

I am sooo sorry and no you shouldn't have to go through this. You found your way out and for that I am proud of you.

welcominganewself

Make yourself very familiar with the cycle of violence (GOOGLE it if you need to)! Go away, be with your family, be strong for your son and for yourself and never look back.

Kalrez

Kudos to you for realizing what's really going on before things get way too crazy. It takes some women multiple trips to the ER with broken bones before they "get it."

I wish you and your child the best of luck. Sure, times may be hard in the future, but it'll be so much better than staying where you're at.

Might I suggest no parental visits for him? I'm not saying that your ex would hurt his own child, but just because he hasn't shown violence toward your son before, doesn't mean he won't as a way to get back at you or as a way to manipulate you somehow. Plus if Daddy moves on and starts abusing his new woman, your son still sees that. Clearly you know your situation way better than any of us could, but I just thought I would throw that out there.

lakenleona

My dad is an alcoholic and was abusive toward my mother and brother. My mom also has depression and bi-polar disorder and living with my dad just made it worse. He refused to let her take her medication and wouldn't let her see a therapist or any doctor at all. They got divorced when I was six, but I still remember a lot of stuff that happened when my dad would come home drunk. You're doing the best thing for your son and yourself. You're strong and you can make it without him. Don't stay for 14 years like my mother did; get out now! You're an amazing person and you deserve so much more! You can make it happen.

ImNotThatBob

Be Strong. Protect yourself and your son. You've got a grand future ahead of you. Move on. Embrace it!