The dreaded FUPA and her fave accessory: varicose veins

cherdan

I really hate this web meme acronym primarily used by pockmarked 20 year old boys on 4CHAN to make themselves feel all big and manly about how they'll never "bone a fat chick," but what it stands for unfortunately is quite accurate.

Fat Upper Pubic (I'll omit the chauvinistic euphemisms for the female genitalia) Area (sometimes 'region' is added).

I found this girls' blog (http://hannahsreductions.blogspot.com/2011/02/fupa-fatupperpubicarea.html) about her quest to rid herself of it. Admirable as that is, having had been overweight from about the age of 8 and obese from 13 til about 24 (274 at my heaviest, up and down about 100 lbs, twice), I know that it's just one of these inevitabilities that come along with dramatic weight fluctuations. I'm starting to think the pregnancy-induced FUPA is less severe.]

Finally, someone (presumably, a plastic surgeon, natch) has laid it all out, pretty much verbatim, on why I hate my abdomen and hips more than ever, even after losing over 50 lbs in the last year:

"With pregnancy and/or excessive weight gain, a number of anatomical changes can occur. The two midline abdominal muscles begin to separate from each other. This separation reduces the efficiency of the abdominal muscular system, and also causes a decrease in the definition of the abdomen. Furthermore, in extreme cases, the abdominal contents can cause a bulge between these two muscles through the stretched region. The skin, which is also stretched with weight gain, has a limited ability to retract back again to its original size, once it has been over-stretched. ‘Stretch marks’ are an indication that the skin has been either over-stretched or stretched too rapidly. The presence of extensive stretch marks indicates the skin in unlikely to ever retract back to its normal shape and size.
Tummy tucks are best suited to patients who have an excess of skin, with or without excess fat, particularly in the lower abdomen and ‘love handles’. The excess tissue can present in a number of different ways leading to a number of slight variations on the exact surgical procedure performed. The important point being that people who are in otherwise good health, almost regardless of age, and who have excess abdominal skin and fat are candidates for one or other variation of tummy tuck.
The best candidates are people who have reached a steady state in terms of their weight and size, and are no longer gaining or losing weight/size. Although the operation can be performed on people who still have some weight to lose, the best results are always seen in people who are already at their best sustainable weight. That is, the weight at which their body gravitates towards when they are performing realistically, long-term, sustainable amounts of exercise and are not actively pursuing a weight-loss diet.
Although it is possible to have a successful pregnancy following an abdominoplasty, this is not advised, as much of the surgical improvements would be lost when the abdomen is enlarged with pregnancy.
People who are not in generally good health should not contemplate this procedure. Diabetes is not a contraindication to having a tummy tuck, although the surgical procedure is altered slightly to make the recovery simpler."

In short, I have two "stomachs."

First, there's this sort-of cute (the way milk spewing out of your nose after a fit of laughter is, "cute"), mini-pooch on my abdomen, followed by the ol standby: oodles of noodle-y stretch marks.

Then, there's my "belly button"/piko (what we call it in Hawaii), which is basically Edward Munch's 'The Scream' magnificently transposed onto human flesh. Know how they say Botox chicks look perpetually surprised? My piko appears to be in a state of perpetual shock. HOLY ****BALLS!!

Last but not least, there's the FUPA. She's been with me since about 12 or 13. Girl's looking worse for the wear. She's kneaded out like petrified pizza dough leftover from the Corleone's last supper. She's the smallest she's ever been now, but she's no wavy and rippled, Metuselah's testicles are in better shape than her. /RIMSHOT

Now that I've reached my official healthy weight for my height, money's on the brain. Never been a proponent of plastic surgery, but I know the tummy tuck is the only solution for the FUPA (provided you keep the weight off for the rest of your natural born life, which I damn well sure intend to do). My other "souvenier" left over from the battle of the bulge? Varicose veins (thanks, Moms!), but only on my left leg, oddly.

I'm a lefty, and so my left side is naturally my sidus mallus.

Elephantiasis-lookin knee. Big ol honkin rippling varicose veins right above said knee, and a little less severe throughout the back of the calf.

I would love to zap those ****ers into oblivion. The tummy tuck is a pauper's pipe dream compared to the varicose laser zapping, so I'm dreamin, dreamin of yooou.

I've been casually dating someone who tells me every day how perfect I am, but those veins were the very reason I was so afraid for him to see me in my swimsuit. I feel like they precede me at the beach.. they're very noticable. All in all, it just feels like the last visible remnant of my former self, know what I mean? Do I have to silently remind people for the rest of my life I 'used to be fat'?? Or is it all in my head??

cherdan

Arrrgh! Ok, I just totally meant to post this as a blog, which I now have. If you could delete this, that would be great. I just can't keep up with the replies here..

sauerkrautpolka

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